No relationship for years and no children. I’m in a hole. Was this ever you?

[Dustingdown]

I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do to find someone and I have no problem getting dates and meeting people who want to see me again. I’ve just never met someone I feel for and want to progress with.

It’s now at the point where I have accepted this is unlikely to ever happen for me. I’m not even sad anymore, just totally empty. I know I don’t want to live like this always and I would prefer to not be around than to grow old with my life like this.

I do all the reccomended things to meet someone and so I am not looking for suggestions or advice on that but suggestions as to how to go on with my life as it is when I am totally empty. I have a lot of hobbies, see friends, my calendar is full. But it will never be enough and it never was enough. How do I deal with this?

@ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser There is absolutely nothing in the OP's posts that suggest that she is borderline suicidal. There is a big difference between feeling a certain emptiness in your life and just wanting to end it.

I dont believe longing for a husband and children means you have very low self esteem either.

OP, I know several people who were in the same situation as you. Mid thirties and single, believing that they wouldnt find anyone. They are all happily married with kids now.

@ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser

Absolutely no way does OP sound suicidal 😂 what a strange conclusion to jump to?!

Yes lots and lots of people Marty people they don’t really live and settle for.
That’s just a fact of life.

Marry

If I were you I'd consider being a single mum.. or waiting a couple more years to find the right man.

Don't settle if it's not right for you.

Absolutely. I am now 38 - when I was 35 I decided to go and get counselling to see if there was something that I was subconsciously doing to sabotage what I wanted. it turned out I had rather a lot to uncover and so spent about 2/3 years in counselling till I was in a better place.

I dated, but also took time to get involved in my local area, I made friends rather than lovers - I would recommend investing time doing this. I spent less time with old friends, I still see them regularly but they understood my need to branch out. In short, I got my mind sorted and invested in myself.

I would recommend counselling to anyway in your position, because you just never know and it has changed my life. I am now with someone and very happy - I might have kids, I might not. It's early days but i'm so pleased that I took the time to do those things.

I totally get what you’re saying. It’s bloody hard but keep being proactive. One of my friends (who’s 37) who met her (now) DH on a dating app said it’s a numbers game - you have to wade through a lot of shitty dates before you find the right person.
Have you tried the app Hinge? Lots of interesting men on there who have similar a outlook to you: hobbies, travel, well educated. (Sorry, I know you’re not looking for advice on how to meet someone but thought I would mention it)
I’m in the same boat as you and I too would like to get married and have a baby. All of my friends are settled down with kids so I know how you feel.

I hadn’t lowered my standards as I was hoping for that real spark

FWIW, I was dating someone else when I met my husband (they both knew, we were all young, noone cared) and it was the other guy I felt like I had a spark with. But so often, a spark is just meeting someone who is charming. That guy was, in reality, a complete arsehole with good lines. My husband, meanwhile, is kind, funny, hot, loyal, and inspires me every day with his bravery and determination. I will forever be grateful to my mum for helping me see this. We've been together over 10 years and I love him more every year. Don't write off a lack of spark if the person ticks other boxes, it's not settling.

You are only 35. If you were 45 I could understand you feeling like this but you still have time. Get out there and meet as many people as possible. Forget thinking about marriage because that scares men off, it's too needy. Focus on just having fun, living your best life. I think you might be surprised by what happens.
For what it's worth, I'm recently separated and just turned 41. If I should get swept off my feet by a genuine lovely man in the next couple of years then I certainly wouldn't dismiss the possibility of another baby myself.

I'm not suggesting she hooks up with a serial killer, just that she sets aside the "spark" factor. Marriages fail whether there's a spark or not.

Depends on how you are defining "spark" really. I definitely have a spark with my DH and he is kind, hard-working, reliable, hard working etc. Spark doesn't necessarily mean charming but feckless. Sometimes when life's stresses are at their worst owing to bereavement, job stress, house move, new baby etc, it can be that spark that keeps you both going.

Your examples aren't particularly good.
Again that is your opinion Irmafaylear and fwiw I find your posting style quite rude.

Would your first couple have been happy if they hadn't been able to have dcs
Actually yes I think they would

It's all very well "waiting it out" till you're 42 and finally finding the elusive spark, but you're also bound to be sitting in an IVF clinic with the spark very much dampened.
Yes, that is precisely why I chose to highlight that particular example alongside the positive ones. No one can guarantee a fairytale. But for some, it does work out as several other posters on here have testified.

I have been there, did not get my first bf until I was 21! I could not understand why I never seemed to have luck with men or finding ones I liked. Ive only ever had two bfs. One thing I learned is attraction does not always come instantly and that does not work for me. Get to know the person, give them time. Think of the good qualities you want in a man. I find the friends that are still single, are the ones that chose the wrong men to like - bad boys or they were too picky. No one is perfect, you have to settle in some ways.

You are only 35. If you were 45 I could understand you feeling like this but you still have time.

You’re ignoring biology
There’s not a gulf between a woman of 35 and 45 when it comes to fertility.

If I were in your shoes I’d be freezing my eggs. And if in no relationship by 38, I’d do it alone

I say this from perspective of single other of 2. As long as you are financially solid, as I am, you’ll be fine.

If you want children, I can’t imagine anything more devastating than reaching the point when you realise that the door really has closed on that.

I met my husband when I was 34. I had also 100% had enough of men and was fully happy being single.

I really believe that's the only way I could ever have met someone worthwhile. I had to be ok by myself first.

Myself and most of my friends have all hit 50 now so our fertility boat has sailed. I have known one since she was 5 years old . So have seen many ups and downs in their lives.

The ones that seem more successful in relationships and did end up with children are honestly the ones who didn’t make it their be all and end all. It was never their number one ambition. I put myself in that section of my friends as well. Please concentrate on enjoying and developing yourself.

I have had two men in my life when younger and all I can describe is magnetism behind belief, gives me the tingles 25 years later just thinking about it. You know what they would both have been dreadful as long term partners, seriously terrible. I didn’t even date them though I was pursued relentlessly. One guy never settled I heard about him a couple of years ago via a mutual friend.

Try doing a process of elimination of the available men to you. Instead of focusing on what you want in man, look at and write down things that are none negotiable. Things you rather not compromise on but you rather avoid. Because to me everything else is extra. Just base it on your own personal views. To me that is not settling as everyone changes, no human remains constant. Spark is something that some people experience at beginning, middle or even after a relationship concludes. So it is not reliable and reliability was not something I was willing on compromising.

I was single throughout my twenties. I was slim and conventionally pretty. Zero interest from men other than wanting a one night stand. I was so unbearably lonely. Then I met DH through a friend and that was it. Instant attraction. Proposed six months later. Married within 18 months, and been together 26 years now. But had problems conceiving, so didn't have DC until I was 39.

You do still have time. Who is the person who would settle down with you? Do they want marriage and kids? What's the reason you could never love this person who might give you what you want?

I agree with other posters that there are different kinds of spark. I've been out with men who I had more of a physical spark with than DH, but they made me miserable. After 25 years, it's the other sparks that you rely on to stay together happily. DH and I have a lot in common - shared interests and goals, shared values and similar sense of humour. We love doing the same things, so we are out and about together. I know friends whose husbands are always at the golf course or training for long cycle races - they seem to have nothing in common. DH has been a brilliant dad and he makes me laugh every day. I did definitely get a tingle of 'He's the one' the minute I set eyes on him, but it wasn't at all the same spark you get when you are blinded by lust.

There’s not a gulf between a woman of 35 and 45 when it comes to fertility.

That's not true actually. The 35 fertility cliff has been widely dismissed now (being based on a 300 year old study of French parish records, look it up), experts now agree it is closer to 40. 82 percent of women aged 35-39 conceive within a year - that's not that much less than women in their 20s (96 percent)

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/amp/entry/how-easy-is-it-to-get-pregnant-at-37-like-meghan-markleukk_5bc46366e4b040bb4e840e95/

After 40 it starts dropping considerably. Conception rates have changed a lot in recent years due to improved health and longer lifespans. The NHS no longer considers women over 35 to be of advanced maternal age, it's 40 now (I'm 38 and got pregnant on my first night of trying, my London hospital told me I was one of their younger ones).

So you do have time OP, it's not guaranteed (but then it never has been) but at least until 40 you've got a very good chance of conceiving naturally. The 35 cliff edge myth has done a lot of women a great disservice.

That's my main fear really, the idea that my fertility is now almost gone.

35 is always the point at which it is seemingly game over. the link is helpful thank you

So, how are you feeling now OP? Any better?

There's a few dating sites which are aimed at those looking for serious relationships (avoid the free ones, they are too shallow), otherwise try the real life approach, hobbies, church, sports???

Maybe you are just not the type of person who falls in love?

I’m ok.

Maybe not the type to fall in love but I have been in love before. Perhaps that was it for me. It is just hard accepting a life you never wanted.

It’s hard. Really hard. I am alone this weekend at an event. I am the only one alone.
But in the group, one husband beats and rapes his wife, one cheats on his wife, one is really happy, one is just ok.

They all have kids though. But 50% will be fucked up kids

I tell myself when I am low, at least I am not them but they probably think that about me