No relationship for years and no children. I’m in a hole. Was this ever you?

[Dustingdown]

I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do to find someone and I have no problem getting dates and meeting people who want to see me again. I’ve just never met someone I feel for and want to progress with.

It’s now at the point where I have accepted this is unlikely to ever happen for me. I’m not even sad anymore, just totally empty. I know I don’t want to live like this always and I would prefer to not be around than to grow old with my life like this.

I do all the reccomended things to meet someone and so I am not looking for suggestions or advice on that but suggestions as to how to go on with my life as it is when I am totally empty. I have a lot of hobbies, see friends, my calendar is full. But it will never be enough and it never was enough. How do I deal with this?

Met my now husband and his 3 kids at about your age. Careful what you wish for. 15 years on, married, house but far fewer hobbies friends and holidays.

I compromised a lot on what I thought I wanted. Still not entirely sure.

I understand what you’re saying but it doesn’t make me want it any less. I’m sure I could have done it and totally resent my life now. But you do have your family and if you didn’t who knows how you would feel

I met my husband when I was 36. I now have 2 step sons and 2 daughters. You've still got time. Maybe you need to compromise. Not every relationship is sparks and fireworks.

my life will never feel fulfilled without a husband and family.

Have you tried feminism?

You want an ideal and very few of us get those. It comes down to what are you prepared to compromise on, to get what you want? So far, your answer has always been nothing.

If you really want a family, on the traditional level, then pick a kind man who loves you and make a commitment to him and to yourself to make it work. Marriage is generally hard work and compromise whether there's an initial spark or not.

Sparks don't last anyway.

I agree with a pp that you may have to make some compromises regarding a partner. An amazing love story is great, but if the truth be told I'm sure many, many people are married to a nice, decent, family-minded spouse and they got together because that's what both parties wanted at that time.

If you are certain you want the whole family package then you have to prioritise that over finding Mr Movies24 who is a hunky carpenter (but actually a disillusioned top human rights lawyer), with a labrador and lives in a quirky small town.

I would date with a vengeance but sift on "suitability as family man" rather than "spark".

Do you think you have overly high standards and prerequisites for what you want in a partner?

A previous thread a few months ago was very similar the OP however also stated that she would never consider a relationship with someone who earned less than a certain amount.....

I seriously think it's just a numbers game. You have to keep on dating and trying and you've very likely to find that spark.

If you're depressed OP that's going to make it much harder to find someone.

Always a fucking carpenter. They should make porno mags for middle aged women with pictures of men who work with their hands. Fully clothed. T-shirt. Stubble. Big smile. Apparently it's what we all dream of! He absolutely must have a rescued dog too or I can't orgasm.

No advice but fwiw I think you are totally right not to lower your standards and to keep looking for the spark! Good luck

And for the "spark" I didn't mean it in a Hollywood ridiculous way, just that you will know it when you find it.

MorrisZapp

Rubbish advice, Solitarycaddis! The chances of finding sexy man with high-paying job and no baggage, and who at that point wants marriage and family - well, of course they're out there, but it could be a long old search.

MorrisZapp - my next dh will be a handyman able to fix anything in the house. He will of course at all times be wearing a t-shirt with a flannel shirt over it. Rescue dog a necessity. And it will be helpful if he is a former architect, previous University Challenge captain and in possession of large inheritance from distant uncle.

Yes that was me, I was single (after long term relationship that began in my teens) from 29 to 36. I had short term relationships in that time but nothing lasted.

Actually I had a ball. Travelled, great friends, beloved pet, Close family and loved being a very involved auntie. I did get lonely and sad and desperately wanted a family of my own, and I was seriously looking into having a baby on my own when I met DP at 36. I wouldn’t say there were sparks flying when I met him, but I’m just not a sparks and butterflies kind of girl. He is lovely and makes me happy and crucially, as I established on the second date, wanted the same things as me in a similar time frame including to start a family. Sadly we may have left it too late, currently undergoing fertility treatment.

What I’ve learned from having a long term relationship all through my 20s (and late teens) then being long term single and now back to being in a relationship is - you’re just as happy/sad just as often either way. Don’t get me wrong I’d far rather have DP in my life than not because I love him, but I get just as anxious/stressed/ down/ feel unfulfilled or whatever as I ever did when I was single, it just tends to be about different things. I’m still me, and having another person in my life doesn’t magically fix everything and make everything ok, and actually there are some advantages of being single I sometimes miss.

It's up to the op to decide whether it's rubbish advice or not surely Irmafaylear?

I personally don't think compromising ever works. I know one person who did this and although it worked while they were childless, once children came along, they were too different and it ended in misery for everyone.

Two of my friends waited it out and married later in life though. One had her first child aged 42 yrs, second one 18 months later. She and her dh are very happy indeed.

The other couple aren't working out so well admittedly as they had fertility probs and IVF and (very sadly) miscarriages put a huge strain on them I think. They are still together a decade later (just) but it's not looking good. But they were properly in love at the outset and met in their late thirties.

I think the problem with dating these days is we have to decide if there's a "spark" based on just a few dates. I've been married for 16 years to a really amazing man, but I cant actually remember the first time we met as he was so far from what I thought I wanted. I certainly didn't fancy him when we first met or even think we'd be friends. And yet once we got to know each other... Many many sparks! 2 children and 20 years later, 16 of them married, we're still going strong. I would never in a million years have gone on more than 1 or 2 dates with him if that was what I was having to base a possible relationship on. And yet we have a better relationship than most people I know. I guess what I'm saying is that you definitely do not need to lower your hopes of meeting someone amazing and having a loving marriage based on a spark, but you may need to spend a lot more time getting to know the men you date before ruling them out. Otherwise you might rule out the guy who could have turned out to be just right for you.

I was single for a decade before I met DH at 35, married at 36. Baby due now at 41.
You have time.

Sending OP

If it's any consolation I met my forever DP when I gave up & stopped looking. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but please don't settle for second best ( the person who would settle down with you but you aren't feeling it ) You would probably regret that, it's a gut feeling, when you know you know & you know that doesn't feel right.

Sorry I can't give you any more advice than that, I hope you find what you are looking for.

P.S I know it's difficult but stop looking! It's an old wives tale that it happens when you have stopped looking & it happens when you least expect it.

I'm not suggesting she hooks up with a serial killer, just that she sets aside the "spark" factor. Marriages fail whether there's a spark or not.

Your examples aren't particularly good. Would your first couple have been happy if they hadn't been able to have dcs? It's all very well "waiting it out" till you're 42 and finally finding the elusive spark, but you're also bound to be sitting in an IVF clinic with the spark very much dampened.

Tbh you either want a 'spark' and a therefore turbulent relationship thatll more than likely end in disaster.

Or you want an actual family. Someone who will respect you, listen to you, and ultimately commit to you & what you want from life.

The two generally arent synonymous except in very rare cases. Especially since your "ideal" man comes with so many prerequisites.

If you don't get a bit of perspective and lower your expectations you'll really struggle to meet someone.

Thank you for the posts xx

I don’t get why wanting a family and husband makes me an anti feminist? I’m not ashamed to say that those are the things I want most in life. With respect to that poster, i am very independent and I am very much a feminist. I don’t need a man, I want one.

As for the standards...I absolutely don’t go for looks, it is always personality. I do always look for that connection though. The most dates I have had is 3 because by then if I don’t feel anything I don’t see the point. I’ve noticed men tend to want to take things more seriously after three dates and a few weeks of talking, so it feels insincere to carry it on.

The idea of finding someone who practically wants the same as me seems sad and pointless. Do people really do that, get married when they’re not really in love but simply want the same things?

I have noticed people often get married for practical reasons and minimal spark.

I know you've said you don't want to have kids alone but in the future you might change your mind or you meet the one at 42 and find out conceiving is out the question. If you have the means would you consider egg freezing? Obvs it's no guarantee, you might never decide to go down that road but to leave yourself that wiggle room might help you feel better.

@Ounce - people are looking at me in McDonalds now, because that made me laugh out loud.