No relationship for years and no children. I’m in a hole. Was this ever you?

[Dustingdown]

I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do to find someone and I have no problem getting dates and meeting people who want to see me again. I’ve just never met someone I feel for and want to progress with.

It’s now at the point where I have accepted this is unlikely to ever happen for me. I’m not even sad anymore, just totally empty. I know I don’t want to live like this always and I would prefer to not be around than to grow old with my life like this.

I do all the reccomended things to meet someone and so I am not looking for suggestions or advice on that but suggestions as to how to go on with my life as it is when I am totally empty. I have a lot of hobbies, see friends, my calendar is full. But it will never be enough and it never was enough. How do I deal with this?

a hunky carpenter (but actually a disillusioned top human rights lawyer), with a labrador and lives in a quirky small town.

I can picture Cameron Diaz as the love interest. She walked in on her fiance cheating on her and has left the big city to start an artisan business in the sticks.

one husband beats and rapes his wife

Can noone help get her out of there?

I recently read Lori Gottlieb's book "Mr Good Enough: The case for choosing a Real Man over holding out for Mr Perfect" ( link here ) and I was ready to self-righteously hate every second of it.

I actually found myself close to tears at points with recognition and relief.

Well worth a read, OP – it might cut a bit close to the nerve at points, but it's refreshing, too...

The poster that said sparks go is right.

Settle with Mr. Nice and if it really doesn't work out, separate decently and at least you'll have your kids. You could go on to meet Mr spark eventually but if it hasn't happened by now and you want the marriage and family, may as well do it and see how it works out.

You're also idealising things btw.

OP you haven’t answered the questions on this thread from previous posters regarding standards.

Please try this exercise. It would be helpful for us nosy types if you did it here!

Write down TWENTY things you want in your ideal partner. Be as specific as you like. But make sure you do 20 so it’s exhaustive.

Then pick 5 out that are absolutely essential, that you won’t budge on. And that is what to look for.

Don’t discount anyone till you’ve snogged them. That’s where the chemistry is.

Away ya go!

I don’t think I could think of five criteria let alone twenty!

Ok I’d say dealbreakers would be: need to be settled in their own home (owned or rented, not bothered which), have a decent job and be relatively ambitious, educated and into a good debate, good sense of humour, can laugh at himself and doesn’t look down on people, is at least the same height as me.

They’re the only things I can think of. Having said that, one of my ex’s I loved very much didn’t fit all that criteria so I wouldn’t rule anyone out as long as we clicked.

Are these unreasonable? I don’t think they are but open to other views!

Not unreasonable but a bit vague. See, the more specific you are, the better you can work out where to find people matching your criteria - a target-rich environment, to use the marketing speil.

What exactly are you doing to meet men like this? Are you arranging your life so that you cross paths?

How is it vague?! Genuine question! What would be 5 hypothetical specific things?

Does guy who would probably settle down with you not meet the criteria (or a decent portion of them)?

Yes he does but he’s also very very patronising. Thinks his job is far far more important, thinks he’s right in literally any situation. If I accepted that without it bothering me then it would be fine. I find it hard to ignore.

Well for example, my deal breakers were, has to have a stable career, must be able to go for a pint with my Dad, must want the same things as me (marriage and kids), has to be kind, has to be bigger built than me. So similar, but formed up a bit.

Everything else I was willing to flex on.

Have you snogged him?

Yes i have. It’s all perfectly fine, except that I feel completely patronised and unheard in his presence. He’s also a very suspicious person which isn’t difficult to handle sometimes. And I’m not one to be overly sensitive or needy in general but these things do irritate me

*is difficult!

I agree that Lori Gottleib’s books are amazing for getting perspective

Some people would put up with that/let it run off them (a la duck's back) but I can fully understand why someone wouldn't. Sounds really pompous and irritating.

Well, back to tirelessly seeking out potential partners then. Old, agencies, intro service, friend's intros, hobbies, activities, change and widen social scene til you meet potentials - it takes work.

I learned to sail in order to meet someone (not with someone through sailing now but did get into Lt relationship through it), that involved getting dunked in cold water, cracked on the head by booms, aching muscles, occasional terror ... Apparently hiking and rock climbing is good for meeting people if you don't fancy that level of physical stress and life endangerment.

Also photography classes.

Also there was the occasional single bloke at kayaking when I went.

And tennis.

Usually half or more blokes.

What about a secondment abroad - preferably to some city/area with high pop of professional males eg banking, IT etc. - I'd that possible with your job.

*is that possible

Yeah I did think about that but not really much of a thing in my line of work.

I feel as if at this point I should be accepting I am alone instead of trying pointlessly to find someone. The reality is that it doesn’t happen for everyone and that could very well be the situation for me.

Reverse it.

You want someone who is willing to fund your non working lifestyle for 40 years! What are you offering?

Not many men find SAHM wannabes appealing.

I don’t want to be a sahm?

I’d just like a family

Actually I think there is someone (in fact several someones) for everyone.

The only reason not to look is if you genuinely can't be bothered and don't want a relationship/family. And sorry to bring the ol bio clock into it, but you're best to do your looking sooner rather than later so you have time to build a relationship, tackle any fertility issues if they crop up, get pregnant, recover from the sleep deprivation and stress for long enough to actually consider getting pregnant again etc.

You sound like you'd really like to have a partner and family so you wouldn't be pointlessly looking for someone; it would be very pointed indeed.

There are lots of potentials out there for you, you need to keep looking - or s better way of putting it - out yourself in places and scenarios where you are likely to meet them,vehicle enjoying yourself and broadening your life.

Or you get together with Mr always right and buy a very good set of ear plugs.