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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to spoil husbands illicit weekend - ideas please!

270 replies

WGC3 · 11/09/2019 22:55

We are still together but on verge of separating. I know where and when he is going, cant stop it happening but would like to make sure it is less than perfect - any advice??

OP posts:
RavenLG · 12/09/2019 15:20

There are two types of people on this thread and it's actually quite worrying.

And eye for an eye makes the world go blind. Remember that OP.

Will doing a petty act of revenge make you feel better? For a few hours maybe, but then after you'll feel even more annoyed, sad and upset.

I'm sorry your husband has already checked out, why do you so desperately want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with you? You deserve better than that, come on! And does anyone think some chilli powder or a flat tyre will stop a man wanting to get his end away? Of course it wont! They'll quickly resolve the situation and then carry on.

All the posters suggesting all these batshit ways to get revenge, please book yourselves in for counselling as you have unresolved issues you need to work out before you do something very dangerous to someone who crosses you (or you're all just sat behind your keyboard, whipping up drama and wouldn't dream of doing any of this in real life. But think someone's actual life is akin to a soap opera and want to stir up issues for more posts from OP, which if that's the case, also needs some therapy).

JudgyPantsAndAMartyrBra · 12/09/2019 15:36

Seriously though, you need to look to yourself as to why he’s having this weekend away.
Where did it go wrong ? Then talk to him and fix it.
I’ve done what he’s doing many times. It will not end well unless you make a move to mend things. I wish I could turn back time.

Hang on. The OP needs to look to herself as to why he's about to fuck someone else? She needs to start tying to mend things or it won't end well?

He's the one in control of who he sticks his dick into and as he's the one planning on fucking someone else maybe the advise to make a move and mend thing before it's too late is better aimed at him.

You say you've cheated many times. That's on YOU, not your spouse, you should have tried to fix things yourself, if you didn't speak to your spouse and either worked through or ended the marriage BEFORE you went and cheated many times then that's your choice not your spouses.

The only person who can stop this Dh from fucking someone else is HIM, just like you were responsible for the choices you made too.

StealthPolarBear · 12/09/2019 16:12

I love the thought of a king prawn in his trouser hem but I suspect he might notice the weight...

glitterfarts · 12/09/2019 16:40

I think I'd mail his passport back to the home address....

A88ie1 · 12/09/2019 16:47

Get his cards blocked, report him for drug use or a vulnerable person. Drug tag his car, do some dodgy shopping on his account and get it frozen. Find his bank cards and melt them down in a saucepan and put them back in his wallet hot so it can cool in the creases. Cut holes in all clothes and when he returns have a man in your bed with you :D

U2HasTheEdge · 12/09/2019 16:52

TBH if a person's first response to 'I am leaving you and the relationship is over' is 'how can I hurt you, make you ill and damage your belongings'? then it's kind of... not unreasonable that the other partner wants out of the relationship. Petty, vindictive people don't make good partners.

I am sure OP 's husband isn't having an affair because OP is a petty and vindictive person. Way to put the blame onto her though. When people are hurting the desire of wanting to hurt back is completely understandable and that does not mean she is at fault for her husband wanting to cheat. I am sure it wasn't her first response either and she most certainly didn't ask for advice on how to make him ill.

OP I am so sorry you are in this position. Of course revenge feels like a good idea right now, but like others have pointed out it really isn't.

Tell him it’s over, as you know what is happening at the weekend, then start telling everyone (including her husband or partner if she has one). People are usually kinder to the betrayed partner than the cheater and you need the support. Affairs lose their attraction once everyone knows.

I think this is very sensible advice, OP.

U2HasTheEdge · 12/09/2019 16:54

Seriously though, you need to look to yourself as to why he’s having this weekend away.
Where did it go wrong ? Then talk to him and fix it.

She really doesn't.

You sound like a complete arsehole.

pintoffginplz · 12/09/2019 17:08

Op I really can imagine what you are going through but honestly leave them to it.

My ex cheated on me with a good friend/ work colleague. And we lived on the actual work premises! When I found out, I wanted to kick off, get revenge. But something stopped me

Years later and I'm so glad I didn't do anything I walked away with dignity and my head held high. Get rid of him

GinNotGym19 · 12/09/2019 17:11

I hope pp that said report him for drug use is joking?! I doubt op wants social services and the police knocking at her door!

iklboo · 12/09/2019 17:12

Seriously though, you need to look to yourself as to why he’s having this weekend away.

Because he's a philandering twat?

pintoffginplz · 12/09/2019 17:12

Just to add that I told him I knew, and that we were done. Informed him he could do what the f##k he wants as me and the kids are off!

He's miserable with her now and I'm happy as anything Grin

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2019 17:45

I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom but If he's already having an emotional affair then it's pretty bloody likely it's going to go further on an away trip.
I don't know how long you've been together or what the current situation is but I'd be tempted to be upfront with him and tell him if he feels the need to shag someone else then don't bother coming home.
Let him know that you know what he's up to.
Sorry Thanks

ittakes2 · 12/09/2019 17:55

Temporarily block his number, turn your phone off so he cant get hold of you and make he wonder what you are up to.

Ginger1982 · 12/09/2019 18:09

So were you happily married (as far as you were concerned) until you found out he was having an emotional affair? Are you assuming he's going to leave you for her? Don't do anything petty. Tell him you know where he's going and why and tell him not to come back and then get yourself sorted financially and try to move on. Doesn't sound as if he's going to beg you for a second chance.

Artandlove · 12/09/2019 18:10

@SunshineAngel Just wondering if your friend still with his wife now? I completely disagree with this, whilst I can understand how this man helped you heal and overcome things from your past - what about the turmoil your relationship cause in his personal life? Why not become friends with the wife as well? What about how you confiding in another woman’s husband to help your situation was destroying somebody else’s marriage and causing another woman great unhappiness and insecurity in her relationship? Why not direct this man back to his wife rather than removing the emotional connection between them? Sorry but I’m not buying your innocence in your story one bit!

SunshineAngel · 12/09/2019 18:40

@Artandlove Yes they're still together. Ignoring the rest of your post as there's no point in replying seeing as you "don't buy my innocence story".. which is no skin off my nose.

Ginger1982 · 12/09/2019 18:42

@SunshineAngel sorry, but that sounds like an emotional affair to me.

Artandlove · 12/09/2019 18:51

@SunshineAngel. Which translates to no I am not friends with his wife and providing the relationship works for my needs then I couldn’t care less what it is doing to other people.

SunshineAngel · 12/09/2019 18:56

@Artandlove I actually used to be friends with his wife, FWIW, and if that makes any difference. We actually fell out because I wouldn't take time off work to look after her DCs for the weekend (I had looked after them overnight before but I couldn't take the day after off work on this occasion) .. but that's a totally different and very long story haha.

I honestly don't mind what people on here think about me, but just remember you only have a very very small fragment of a story. I only wrote the general gist for the purposes of this thread, as it's not my thread, but quite obviously there is a hell of a lot that's been missed out.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 12/09/2019 18:57

"Revenge is a dish best eaten cold"
Whilst he's away copy all relevant paperwork and book a session with a solicitor. I'd also say change the locks but not sure legally if you can do that if you both own it.

FeemyMacdermot · 12/09/2019 19:53

@WGC3

I know you were being lighthearted with your OP, but your situation is very much not lighthearted.

There is some very bad advice on this thread (still reeling from the idea that someone would become pregnant, "lol", as revenge on an errant spouse).

FWIW, and in response to PPs' suggestions, you can't change the locks unless you are the sole owner of your home. Plus 'evidence' is irrelevant if you end up divorcing. The law wouldn't give a toss if your DH had been molesting children. The law is interested only in what is best for any children of a marriage. Even if you had no 'evidence' of infidelity, what he has done thus far, even if he doesn't shag the OW, could be categorised as 'unreasonable behaviour', should it get to that point. You don't have to go into detail on a petition.

Now a different perspective (and have NC for this, obviously).

I had a very longstanding EA when I was married. By the time XH and I separated, the OM was the only man in my life. We never had sex while XH and I were still living in the same house. This (and I am being very honest under cover of anonymity here) is because OM never offered it at that stage. If he had, I would have bitten his hand off. I used to fantasise about working with him and going away on a work trip that ended up with us sleeping together. Or even just kissing. Anything at all.

XH knew that I had feelings for my EA, but never really said anything beyond barbed comments.

The difference between our situations - and it's a big one - is that I had come to loathe XH because of his behaviour towards our children. There was no way on Earth that I was going to go near anyone who could do that.

Leaving that aside (which did play a big role)... thinking now about how XH handled my EA, I think he did the wrong thing.

He should have done is put his cards on the table and say that he knew that I had feelings for EA, and that he wasn't willing to live like that any more. He should have asked me to cut off all contact with EA so that we could work on our marriage.

As it was, he just sniped at me about EA. If he had done as I mentioned above, I would have been scared, but would perhaps have been grateful to him for getting it out into the open, and we could have had an honest conversation about what had gone wrong.

I think it can be very hard to come back from this sort of thing - but I don't think it's impossible, if there's no other impediment. In my case, there was a massive impediment, in the form of XH's behaviour towards the DC, which propelled me to the EA. In your case, though, it doesn't seem that there is any major thing driving the EA.

That being the case, try being honest with your DH. If it ends up with him telling you he no longer loves you and wants to end the marriage, that's horrendous. But arguably less horrendous than being kept in uncertainty.

Sorry for the essay.

FeemyMacdermot · 12/09/2019 19:55

Now clarifying myself 😂

The law wouldn't give a toss if your DH had been molesting children

I mean this solely in terms of the division of assets. Not, obviously, in terms of child arrangement orders!

WGC3 · 12/09/2019 20:29

Thank you everyone for your kind posts, I will try to ignore the less kind ones, but there's lots to learn here.Clearly I am not up to speed with how to start a thread since it was so widely misinterpreted.. I wasn't asking for advice/judgment on my relationship (although Im thinking about a lot of the advice Ive received). I love the idea of a bouquet for the lovely lady - might do that - and perhaps a bottle of champagne for my DH. The backstory is complicated and not to share, but obviously we have both contributed to getting to this place. I have made it clear that I recognise my part in that and am very willing to change, but although he doesn't want to leave the home and family, he is not actually willing to change his behaviour in return. It probably comes as no surprise that he basically wants his cake and eat it too. Guess that says it all, but in a very very long standing relationship with kids involved, I still believe you have to be the adult and try everything you can to find a less destructive path. Ive tried to do that, but accept that it is a two-way street, and if he does not feel able to make that commitment, then I will have to accept that and move on. But part of that moving on may need to be a farewell gift to the happy couple, which is where my original post came in.
So thanks again for the empathy and kindness, those of you who rush to judge, perhaps you might want to look at yourselves a little bit - life is never that simple. x

OP posts:
AMAM8916 · 12/09/2019 20:30

Make him a cup of tea or coffee he goes and put laxatives in it. Not enough to make his arse totally explode but enough to keep him on the toilet for most of the evening

AMAM8916 · 12/09/2019 20:32

I meant to say before he goes!

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