DH breaking my heart

[Debrons]

Can anyone please give me some advice. Married a long time with small kids. We’ve had troubles over the last few years. Bickering and lack of communication. That type of thing. Nothings ever really been resolved. It’s got to the point now where my OH is snapping my head off everytime I try and talk to him about any issues/problems. I can’t raise anything. At all. Ever. If I say “can we talk about *** (whatever the thing is)” he immediately jumps down my throat. Becomes dramatic. Uses snappy retort and waving hands...that type of thing. I’m finding it really tough. If I email him to try and resolve an issue he just ignores it. I don’t know what else to do! It breaks my heart a little every time he talks to me in the way/tone of voice he does. Surely a married couple has to be able to discuss and resolve issues/differences? Do I just let him do what he wants, whenever he wants and keep quiet and smile serenely just to keep the peace? It’s got to the point where he barely touches me, snaps my head off, won’t communicate other than politeness and fake smiles. Does anyone have any insights or any ideas please!!! I’m desperate here. If I try and say “I feel” and raise anything in that way he just storms off. What can I do?

My DH was like that, so I asked him for a divorce. Amazingly he changed.

Are you still together?

Tell him to grow up and act like a decent human being or feck off.

Did you ever get to the bottom of why he was like that? Mine is so nice and charming and sweet to strangers/friends. That breaks my heart too when he’s so wonderful to other people and then not like that with me.

What can I do?

You can, and should, refuse to be treated like this. You can refuse to allow your children being exposed to such abusive behaviour which will stain their lives forever.

This is no way to live. Ask him once to join you in trying to save your marriage, and if he refuses, get yourself a solicitor and file for divorce.

I agree with Aquamarine. Ask him to agree to couples counselling to get to the root of the issues and save the marriage. He is being emotionally and verbally abusive and it's not only awful for you but it will be affecting the lives of your children. They will pick up on things, even if they're not physically present when he is sounding off. If he won't agree to counselling then it's the MN mantra: get your ducks in a row and prepare to go it alone.

What Aquamarine wrote.

Its not your fault he is abusive and you did not make him that way.
Abusers can also be quite plausible to those in the outside world. It is only often behind closed doors that their true nature emerges. Do not forget either that abuse is about power and control, it is NOT about a perceived lack of communication. He can clearly hear what you're saying but he is shutting you down. He is showing you a complete lack of respect and he does not care about you at all.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. I would consider counselling on your own to discuss all this.

He’s not like it with the kids though. He’s not like it with anyone else apart from me! Should I just stop raising any issues? Has anyone else been through this? We tried counselling but we got nowhere with it. He just lied to the counsellor about things that had happened. I spent my entire time having to say “but that’s not what happened” and “that’s not what I said” etc etc
I’m having my own counselling and have been for a year. She says that his language is abusive. My OH refuses to engage and try and work beyond this though. He chucks the attitude/bad words and then dips out of the interaction! How do I manage that?

No decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you in the same room together. Couples counselling here is a non starter because of the verbal abuse he metes out.

How many people have to tell you the same thing until you'll believe it? You are in an abusive marriage and it's time to end it.

You manage it by leaving the abusive twat.

When you’re in with your counsellor and you hear that his language is abusive where would you like to go with that? At the moment he’s doing it, you’re asking him to stop, and he’s not only not listening but he’s shutting you down.

I hear that you’d like him to stop. But he’s not interested in stopping.

So what’s next? You either go on as you are or you stop living like this.

He is giving the children mixed emotional messages by being overtly nice towards them and at the same time horrible towards you as their mother.

Not at all surprised to see that joint counselling failed; it was a non starter anyway. He feels entitled to act like this (and pregnancy and birth are known triggers for abusers to start showing their true colours).

Ultimately you need to separate from him. It may be a step too far for you to actually do at this stage but the fact is you (and in turn your children) are being abused by him. Your children are perceptive and will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here, if they are not already.

Do consider talking to Womens Aid; they are helpful and all calls to them are confidential. They won't make you do anything you are not sure about. Such men like your H do not change, he feels entitled to behave like this and such behaviour too is often learnt from parental example.

You manage it by divorcing him. You cannot change his behaviour, no matter how hard you try and how much you want it. Only he can and it's quite clear that he doesn't want to. The only thing you can do is change your response to it ie live with it or walk away.

He’s absolutely fine if I’m not questioning him and letting him do what he wants though. Oh god, that sounds awful! I just think I’m obviously the trigger. I’m obviously not doing this or communicating in the right way. I don’t know how to communicate in a way that doesn’t trigger a negative response? My language is probably too brusque at times but that’s my accent! I’m feeling very confused right now

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like your relationship has run its course. If he is unwilling to discuss your issues then nothing can be resolved. You will be expected to sit there like a compliant little wifey and not say a word.

What type of life is that for you and what example are you setting your children.

I would try and go to stay somewhere for a few days with/without the children. Don't tell him, if and when he finally contacts you explain you can't live like this any longer and you need some space.

OP, seriously having an accent isn't a reason for your dh to verbally abuse you or refuse to discuss issues with you.
Do you realize how ridiculous that actually sounds when you say it out loud?
If he doesn't treat you with an respect, counseling has failed and he won't even talk to you what do you think the next steps should be?
Please don't say elocution lessons.

Its not you, its him. You cannot reason with an abuser. He chooses to act like this towards you.

Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you. It is NOT about communication or a perceived lack thereof.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Is this what you envisaged marriage to be like?. Would you want your children to have a relationship like this, no you would not and its not good enough for you either.

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course with such men as well. He will continue to confuse and otherwise befuddle you; this is his intention.

You are not the trigger i the sense that you are the cause of his behaviour.
As your counsellor say HE is been abusive and that is HIS responsibility. It so happens that he is having some issues with you but it could be anyone else.

Dont think that somehow its your fault and there is something wrog with you. Because there is NOTHING WRONG about trying to solve a problem or say you disagree witn xyz.

He might suddenly snap out of it oif you tell him you want to get divorced. Or he might not in which case you will feel happier wo him.

Btw telling him you disagree with him or xyz is NOT questioning him.
Its expressing a disagreemnet or a different pov.

You should not keep quiet to keep the peace. You aren't the trigger for his abusive behaviour, you are just the one the pathetic man dares to treat like shit.

I'd send him an email saying you are seeing a solicitor in the morning to start divorce preceedings next time he treats you like shit.

Did you ever get to the bottom of why he was like that? Mine is so nice and charming and sweet to strangers/friends. That breaks my heart too when he’s so wonderful to other people and then not like that with me

He's not like that with them because of a little thing called "consequences". With you, he can treat you like shit because there's no consequences to his actions. Speak to his boss like that? Gets fired. Speak to a stranger like that? Probably a punch to the face. Speak to a mate like that? No more mate.

He speaks to you like that, because he can.

It's not your fault he's a coward.

Well he basically hates you.
And that is heart breaking.
What you need to do is put a plan in place to separate.
Tell him bluntly that you won't have this anymore.
That you want a divorce and you need to discuss separation.
If he won't discuss that then get to a lawyer and serve divorce papers.
I think it might be the wake up he needs but you must follow through if he won't discuss it!
Don't live like this.
It's awful.
Don't enable him to treat like this.
Take back control!