DH breaking my heart

[Debrons]

Can anyone please give me some advice. Married a long time with small kids. We’ve had troubles over the last few years. Bickering and lack of communication. That type of thing. Nothings ever really been resolved. It’s got to the point now where my OH is snapping my head off everytime I try and talk to him about any issues/problems. I can’t raise anything. At all. Ever. If I say “can we talk about *** (whatever the thing is)” he immediately jumps down my throat. Becomes dramatic. Uses snappy retort and waving hands...that type of thing. I’m finding it really tough. If I email him to try and resolve an issue he just ignores it. I don’t know what else to do! It breaks my heart a little every time he talks to me in the way/tone of voice he does. Surely a married couple has to be able to discuss and resolve issues/differences? Do I just let him do what he wants, whenever he wants and keep quiet and smile serenely just to keep the peace? It’s got to the point where he barely touches me, snaps my head off, won’t communicate other than politeness and fake smiles. Does anyone have any insights or any ideas please!!! I’m desperate here. If I try and say “I feel” and raise anything in that way he just storms off. What can I do?

You have not done anything wrong. It sounds like he has emotionally 'checked out' he does not sound like he cares abiyt your happiness and well being. He just wants you to put up and shut up and i assume look after the kids?
When you say he does what he wants do you mean he is doing things independently? Going out etc.
If so you may need to bring matters to a head and threaten/tell him you want a separation and don't want to continue living like this.
It sounds awful for you. Has he always treated you with such little respect? As someone else said he does it because he can. He would not speak to others like that because he can't

This is no way to live. Ask him once to join you in trying to save your marriage, and if he refuses, get yourself a solicitor and file for divorce.

This is the only answer unless you want to spend your whole life tip toeing around trying not to upset someone........that is no life, what a waste.

Do I just let him do what he wants, whenever he wants and keep quiet and smile serenely just to keep the peace

What do you think, do you think that would work?

There is no right way you can ask him. There is no right way you can reach out to him. Your counsellor says he’s abusive.

You say he isn’t currently abusing your children.

But he is teaching them that it’s perfectly okay in a relationship to treat your partner like shit.

And (sorry to put it this way, I’m not judging you - just speaking from painful experience) you are teaching your children that they should continue to try to fix a relationship when someone is abusing them.

I realised this when my fifteen year old son got into an appalling relationship, and was desperately hurt, yet seemed unable to do the healthy thing and walk away.

I got out finally. I could and should have walked out after my first. Hike was born, but spent years thinking that he was depressed, or had experienced an awful childhood and couldn’t help it, or that if I could only love him steadily enough, he would finally see.

He didn’t. I’m way happier without him dragging me down.

First child, not full stop Hike...

You tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable. That you are not a verbal punching bag for whatever it is that's eating at him. Tell him that the two of you need to go to counseling separately to start working on your marriage and then joint counseling when the counselor deems it appropriate. If he refuses to go, go without him.

Let me caution you, do NOT issue an ultimatum unless you are prepared to carry it out. So do not say "We do counseling or I'm out of here" unless you are 100% prepared to leave. Not carrying through with an ultimatum blunts your weapons forevermore. He will know he can act like an arse and although you will bluster and threaten, you'll do nothing. And he will never change.

What kind of issues are you trying to talk to him about ? Are they serious things that need urgent addressing or are they small every day things that happen ?

If they are serious things, could it be that he is unable to handle them and not know a solution and by walking away and not dealing with them he doesn't have to face them ?

If they are minor things could it be that he just doesn't have the mind space to deal with them? Lots of people don't like things like small talk or trivial every day things.

Or he could just not be interested in the relationship anymore. Only he knows this.

The only way you can find out is to be blunt and to the point. Just say " do you want to be in this marriage" .. one question one answer. If he rants and walks away then you know he doesn't. If he says yes, then say "when you are ready to talk I'm here".

There is nothing about the way you are communicating that is triggering this.

Being nice to everyone else is part of the abuse. It wears you down, makes you think that the problem is you, traps you in a cycle of trying to change to make him happy, tries to ensure that others won't believe you if you tell them about the abuse.

Massive hugs to you, OP.

He’s absolutely fine if I’m not questioning him and letting him do what he wants though. Oh god, that sounds awful! I just think I’m obviously the trigger. I’m obviously not doing this or communicating in the right way. I don’t know how to communicate in a way that doesn’t trigger a negative response? My language is probably too brusque at times but that’s my accent! I’m feeling very confused right now

This is really hard to read. You are speaking textbook abuse victim language. 'It's my fault, I push his buttons, I say the wrong thing in the wrong way, If only I could tiptoe through these eggshells better without breaking any'. He's abusing you and the only way to get it to stop is to leave him.

OP - this sounds like my marriage. If l ever said l was unhappy he'd say "you know where the door is". My love for him died piece by piece each time he was horrid to me.

When he was doing what he wanted he was fine, as soon as ...shock horror...family life got in the way he became miserable, shortempered, monosyllabic. I walked on eggshells constantly trying to not set him off. My anxiety was heightened all the time.

I would constantly try and do stuff to make him pleased with me eg buy him stuff - because I knew for a couple of days he'd be nice.

He then left me for an OW.

I am so much happier...and he is too. Our relationship had become wrong and it needed to end. I wasn't strong enough to end it though and always held on to the hope that thing's would improve....but l think l knew really that we had long past that point.

Best of luck OP.

I f you were to say to your husband, that it would be best to separate, as you are upset, confused all the time,about his behaviour,what do you think he would say or do. He seems to have some anger issues with you,that you don't understand, and it's no way to have a happy life at the moment.

Some people need a shock,or reality check to make them see sense.

I'm afraid you can't 'manage' his behaviour, only he can change how he react, but it doesn't sound like he's at all interested in changing to me :(

You just need to choose whether you're prepared to put up with being treated so badly ( and damaging your kids perception of what a marriage looks like) and being deliberately hurt by him, or you choose to NOT put up with it and tell him you want to separate/ divorce. :(

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. x

You sound as though you have been emotionally abused for a long time.

How much longer?

Has anyone else gone through this? Yes. Loads of us. Me included.

Yes, he’s breaking your heart. Your logical response is ‘How could he? How could he do this to me?’ Been there. Next stage is spending months or years wondering ‘Why is he doing this to me?’ And you wonder about their childhood, whether they were abused or damaged. Or whether it’s just that you are not forming your sentences with words that he understands. Then you realise that everyone else in your life manages to understand you perfectly when you communicate with them.

Then, you start to think ‘he is treating me as if he hates me. How come. He doesn’t treat other people like that, only me. He’s nice to the children and other people.’

He has declared war on you without telling you. He is treating you like shit because he believes you are less than him. It is nothing you have done. He probably has mother issues - but that is almost irrelevant, as the WHY is beside the point...the fact that he can bring himself to be cruel to you, the mother of his children, shows you who he is. He wants to shut you up. He wants you to creep around him, worried about putting a foot wrong as that keeps you in your place. He wants total control. It is awful and it it not your fault.

He is abusive.

You are in an abusive relationship. It is a shock. But it’s the only thing that makes sense. He justifies his treatment of you to himself because he doesn’t respect you. He’ll deny, but he doesn’t love or respect you for whatever reason. He wouldn’t be able to treat you like this if he did care about you - that’s the only conclusion you can come to. It’s the only thing that adds up.

The way to end this torture is to end the relationship. I would secretly go to a tough family lawyer and get some advice. Give him an ultimatum if you want...but I think you need to think about ending it for you and your children’s sake.

Doesn't sound as though he even likes you very much
Can you walk away?

Hi Debrons,

It's a horrible situation, there is nothing worse being treat like this, I feel my heart in my throat when my partner is like that with me.

You have been abused so long you don't even see it anymore.

He chooses to treat you this way. He knows by flapping his hands and being short with you that you will just shut up.

He chooses to be nice to other people. He chooses to treat you like shit.

He is super nice to the children as a taunt to show you how nice he could be to you if only you would shut the fuck up, realise you do not matter and it is all about him. It is incredibly sad.

I would look at the realities of separating and you need to do that for your own sake but also your children. They will see how he treats you even if you think you hide it from them.

You can't go on like this, he has no respect for you and just wants to be left alone to do as he pleases.
I also find it a bit worrying that he avoids you, no touching etc, my husband did that shortly before he left - any excuse to avoid me then engineered an argument to leave in a strop and never came back.
Could he be having an affair?
Maybe he wants to leave but is waiting for the right time.
Whatever it is you can't go on like this. I'd say to him you plan to file for divorce and see what he says.

I just think I’m obviously the trigger. I’m obviously not doing this or communicating in the right way.
He's doing this to you (and just you) because he thinks he will get away with it. Because he thinks he's got total control over you, so he can treat you how he likes. It has nothing to do with the way you talk. Someone else with your accent would talk to him and he'd treat them nicely, because he would want them to have a good impression of him. He doesn't care about you, so he doesn't care what you think, and makes no effort to impress you. It's him who's doing things the wrong way.

Do I just let him do what he wants, whenever he wants and keep quiet and smile serenely just to keep the peace

No no no! That is no way to live. You deserve better than that. He is an abusive knob and he's not going to change.You need to get out of this relationship.

Look, you will never be able to make yourself small enough, obedient enough, servile enough to stop this man abusing you. He enjoys abusing you; that's why he does it. Yes, he wants you to be well aware of your inferiority and your unimportance, but at the same time, absolute submission would bore him: he gets a kick out of you attempting to assert yourself.
Get rid of him. Your counsellor will help you get yourself together to throw him out and move on.

I'd re-look yourself at the language you're using that keeps putting blame for his behaviour onto you.

He's an adult and you definitely have options together to look at how you interact as a couple. It looks like you have tried that though and he refuses to participate, in which case you don't have control of that anymore, that's him pushing the relationship away and saying 'take it or leave it'.

I would normally be one to be careful banding around the word abuse but really it does sound like abuse and, not only that, your counsellor is also identifying it for you.

The next step is yours in terms of what you do with that? Given you're in an abusive relationship, what do you want to do? Not to help him, not to get him better, not to make you better for him....what do you want for you?

Why don`t men say calmly look I do not love you anymore in fact I hate you so we should get a divorce? It cannot be harder than being in a relationship like this.