DH breaking my heart

[Debrons]

Can anyone please give me some advice. Married a long time with small kids. We’ve had troubles over the last few years. Bickering and lack of communication. That type of thing. Nothings ever really been resolved. It’s got to the point now where my OH is snapping my head off everytime I try and talk to him about any issues/problems. I can’t raise anything. At all. Ever. If I say “can we talk about *** (whatever the thing is)” he immediately jumps down my throat. Becomes dramatic. Uses snappy retort and waving hands...that type of thing. I’m finding it really tough. If I email him to try and resolve an issue he just ignores it. I don’t know what else to do! It breaks my heart a little every time he talks to me in the way/tone of voice he does. Surely a married couple has to be able to discuss and resolve issues/differences? Do I just let him do what he wants, whenever he wants and keep quiet and smile serenely just to keep the peace? It’s got to the point where he barely touches me, snaps my head off, won’t communicate other than politeness and fake smiles. Does anyone have any insights or any ideas please!!! I’m desperate here. If I try and say “I feel” and raise anything in that way he just storms off. What can I do?

What Hillfarmer said.

His treatment of you is an effective form
of torture and pretty soon your health will suffer badly if it hasn't already.

There's no magic words that will turn him in to a decent, caring husband, op.
I've been where you are, it took years for the final straw to break my
back. My advice is to get out, get rid of him and start the process
of recovery.

You leave him.

@Debrons Please check out the freedom programme either in person or online, it's very enlightening. I was in a similar situation to you, and on 27/02/18 I decided I had had enough. I told him on 02/03/18 that "I'm done" he tried bullying me, coaxing me, threatening me and persuading me sometimes all in the one conversation

I stayed firm and I have zero regrets. It took over 6 months for him to leave the family home and that was after I got a barring order & the police out to him. Now 12 months later family home is sold and myself and dc will be moving out in next few months.

He met someone fairly quickly after moving out and seems much happier. My life improved from the moment he moved out and in last couple of months he has even been relatively easy to deal with regarding access and sale of house too.

I met someone at start of this year and just introduced dc at the weekend.
You only get one life you've got to live it.

I didn't want my children learning that this is how a relationship should be.

Best of luck with your decision

I’m also looking for some advice.. myDH was caught out messaging 2 other women about 2 and half years ago , I forgave him as he swore it was nothing else and didn’t mean anything just he want drunk and we have three young kids. Then on Friday at my works do (again lots of alcohol) he was caught with another woman in the ladies toilets. I am really torn/humiliated etc but am I right to say never again and that’s it or should I at least talk
Any thoughts would be good 😀

@Tay1234 leave him. He won’t change

OP, your husband sounds like a wanker. It doesn’t matter how nice he is to other people or your children, he is treating you in an unacceptable way.

I think it’s a mistake starting a conversation with “can we talk about”. You should be saying “I want to discuss” and then telling him what is wrong. If I were you, I would keep it short and clear.

“We need to discuss our marriage, because I WILL NOT continue like this” stand up for yourself and stop asking his permission to air your grievances. When you speak directly, he will either realise it’s make or break and fix it, or it is time for you to think about divorce.

Life is too short to live with someone who doesn’t like you

Neither of you sound happy. Really, you have to decide for yourself whether you might be happier without him.

OP my husband behaved like this, I ended up asking him to leave.

people like this never change, really. even if they do go to counselling they will manipulate the session, lie, or else say whatever they need to say to get you hooked in again. I had to leave my emotionally abusive husband after going through counselling etc. i waited too long. you don't deserve this . If you make a plan to leave make sure he doesn't know about it or he will try to sabotage you in any way possible - prepare everything you can first, important documents, bank accounts separated etc and get a good solicitor who is trained in domestic abuse. i wish you all the best - its hard to come to terms with but realistically he won't change and you deserve better.

It sounds like you’re stuck in that place where you think that if you just figure out the right way to talk to him or the right way to make a suggestion or dream up the right words he will suddenly understand and everything will fall into place and change for the better.
I don’t think it will though particularly as he was gaslighting you in counselling and twisting what happened.
My exh was nice to people outside the home too.

He's being nasty to you because he's an arsehole and too much of a coward to tell you he doesn't love you any more, not because you are a 'trigger'. No you absolutely shouldn't just put up and shut up or amend your behaviour in a vain attempt to make him behave like a decent human being to you. It's so sad to see women blaming themselves for their abusive partners' behaviour.

I would give him an ultimatum- he either speaks to you calmly about his behaviour, or you split up.

My ex was the same. Please read Lundy Bancroft- ‘Why does he do that?’
Your husband is destroying your self esteem and worth. This is not love and commitment, it is emotional abuse.

i second reading lundy bancroft it helped me clarify so much

@Hillfarmer, such a good explanation.

Op, please read the post. The reason you are struggling to understand is because abuse is not rational. It is not caused by your behaviour, his stress, circumstances etc.
I had the exact same situation and we had the potential of a good life but Ex was personality disordered (covert narcissist) due to his abusive childhood & genes.

There maybe a pattern to his behaviour, usually the cycle is idolise, devalue & discard. The idolise phase is early days where you are perfect and can do no wrong, often marriage happens in this stage. Once you are commited by marriage or children (or a power inbalance such you are lower wage earner) the devalue starts which sounds like where you are now.
In this phase everything you do is wrong unless you give up your needs completely to serve him. He holds you in contempt which isn't your fault. He will be highly reactive and defensive to any suggestion of your equality and tactics used are silent treatment, gaslighting, blaming you, projecting.
Ultimately you walk on eggshells and the stress can cause you to get physically ill as your adrenal glands will be affected.

The first stage is awareness however it is common to not quite believe what is happening. I spend several years in this cycle but the behaviour got worse. It always does. Outwardly he would be charming and no one believed that he was awful to me. I finally left when I realised he was turning the DC against me. Had I stayed I would have been portrayed as the crazy mum who got upset. I recall asking him a question and he reacted with such contempt that I was shocked. DC came in and asked the same question and he was super charming in his response. I knew then that he had total control of his behaviour and he reserved his contempt for me.

Keep a journal and write down incidents. It is very important to believe you are not being unreasonable and to know that you don't deserve it.
Useful books are by Lundy and Patricia Evans as they explain the power dynamic that operates.

Do you have family? Are you financially reliant on him?

I’m not financially reliant, thank goodness. I recognise everything in your post Techway. The portrayal of “crazy mum” especially. I have a lot of serious thinking to do

Techway how were things after you left? Does he still portray you as crazy Mum?

you make a plan to leave make sure he doesn't know about it or he will try to sabotage you in any way possible - prepare everything you can first, important documents, bank accounts separated etc and get a good solicitor who is trained in domestic abuse

This is very important. I stupidly thought he would let me go as obviously hated me but I didn't know about NPD then. He reacted very, very badly when I left and he was extremely vindictive. Breathtakingly so..I was reeling from how he wanted to destroy me but I got through and all of my family & friends saw who he was.I am now very content and life is no longer full of fear. I didn't realise how much I had changed until months later. I laugh now and am genuinely happy and I can be myself.

He also turned on the DC post separation as he had to control someone and I eventually went no contact. They finally saw what I had suffered. He was also lining up another woman as our marriage ended.
Again this is very common and he is now in the lovebombing stages with her. She thinks he is perfect and of course I am this awful woman who controlled him and made him so unhappy. I forgot to mention they are superb victims. They will fool solicitors, mediators and anyone that they can line up against you..it is superficial though.

I recommend you start to read about abusive relationships (also YouTube) so that you validate your feelings and don't blame yourself. I was naive as my instincts did warn me something was "off" but I ignored them.

It is not worth calling him out on his behaviour. He will not take responsibility and often once they know you are growing strength the level of abuse will escalate.

Get support from whatever sources you can and don't feel you are alone as many of us have gone through it.

Everything techway says is exactly as it was with me, down to the love stage with new woman. My dm wonders how he can be so different now, I said that's how he operates, he'll turn on her too, she doesn't get it

Attack was my XHs form of defence. It was infuriating. Note the X.

What I don’t understand is why attack rather than just having a conversation? Eg. This is my point of view now you say your point of view and then we come to an agreement. Why does it get nasty and personal? Everything he does and says about me or to me (eg referring to me with the kids) has a negative slant. He’ll put words in my mouth with a negative slant eg oh you’d better do what mummy says or she’ll go crazy. No I won’t. I never have. I’m not built that way. I adore my kids and I give them everything they want so why would I go “crazy”. Does anybody understand this? It’s so frustrating and undeserved because I’ve never spoken about him like that. I always build everybody up. Everybody. Even strangers. If somebody tells me they are starting a new project for example then I go “brilliant. That sounds amazing” but if you heard him speak about me then I’m crazy, volatile, psycho, fragile, temperamental...that is NOT who I am! I’ve got friends that I’ve had for almost 30 years who tell me I’m kind and a doormat but this negative rhetoric has severely damaged my self esteem and confidence. I now can’t make new friends because why would anybody want to me my friend when I’m so awful. I need this to stop.

I guess I don’t understand what he’s getting out of this.

Honestly? I think he wants to end it but doesn’t want to look like the shit who left his wife and kids.

Sounds like someone I know. Some people are mean and don't know how to talk. They'll be nice when they want something but once they've got what they need they turn exactly like how you've described.
And guess what? You are an amazing person. You'll only realise that when you get away from them.
Yes he can change if he chooses to but I've seen so many men are childish and refuse to talk like decent humans.

Op, I have a thread on here, I’m not sure how to attach the link but it’s called “manipulative or abusive?”. It sounds like you are in a very similar situation to me, I honestly have had my eyes opened since posting in a fit of despair a few weeks ago.

Read up about emotional abuse, the abuse cycle and passive aggressive behaviour. I was totally oblivious to it and not I have educated myself I can’t believe how blinded I was to it! I can’t not see it now though, and I can’t put up with it anymore.

I started logging things he said or did under a hidden note on my phone, and honestly reading them back is breathtaking! But this kind of stuff has gone on for years I just somehow who forget about it or questioned whether it was real, I was being paranoid, etc. So I definitely recommend keeping a log or recording conversations on a dictaphone app, it really focuses the mind!

Bottom line is he is a very insecure angry man and there’s nothing you can do to change that. He doesn’t know or has never learnt to manage his own anger so he projects it on to you. You will notice he’s probably never happier than when he has got you angry. You can drive yourself wild trying to understand it.

I am pacing myself and getting my head in the right place first and getting my ‘ducks in a row’ while trying to not alert him that I’m on to him!