Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH breaking my heart

86 replies

Debrons · 10/09/2019 14:25

Can anyone please give me some advice. Married a long time with small kids. We’ve had troubles over the last few years. Bickering and lack of communication. That type of thing. Nothings ever really been resolved. It’s got to the point now where my OH is snapping my head off everytime I try and talk to him about any issues/problems. I can’t raise anything. At all. Ever. If I say “can we talk about *** (whatever the thing is)” he immediately jumps down my throat. Becomes dramatic. Uses snappy retort and waving hands...that type of thing. I’m finding it really tough. If I email him to try and resolve an issue he just ignores it. I don’t know what else to do! It breaks my heart a little every time he talks to me in the way/tone of voice he does. Surely a married couple has to be able to discuss and resolve issues/differences? Do I just let him do what he wants, whenever he wants and keep quiet and smile serenely just to keep the peace? It’s got to the point where he barely touches me, snaps my head off, won’t communicate other than politeness and fake smiles. Does anyone have any insights or any ideas please!!! I’m desperate here. If I try and say “I feel” and raise anything in that way he just storms off. What can I do?

OP posts:
Chunkers · 11/09/2019 09:45

This is feelingconfused’s thread. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3679865-Manipulative-or-abusive

Pinkbonbon · 11/09/2019 10:20

What he's getting out of it is to make you feel the way you are feeling now.

Think of the bully on the playground, that's what he is. He has to step on other people to feel good about himself. He likes the power of it.

That's really all there is to it. There are vile humans in this world that don't think like us. They are wired differently. They play on our honesty, our need for conflict resolution, our assumption that everyone else wants peace and compromise. He doesn't, he just wants you to suffer, it makes him happy. Because he is a predator.

Feelingconfusedandunsure · 11/09/2019 10:21

Thanks @Chunkers, I have no idea how to do that! Flowers

pointythings · 11/09/2019 11:20

He does it because he wants to. Because he likes it. Because it satisfies something in him that he lacks - decency, empathy, compassion, generosity. He is a deeply inadequate human being who needs to abuse you to cover up the flaws in him.

You can't change him. You should leave him. Then you will be the happy strong mum you are and you and your DC will thrive

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/09/2019 11:59

What he is getting out of it is projection and power.

If he can dump feelings on contempt on to you, then he experiences power and relief.

Please look at narcissism on YouTube: Dr Ramani and Dr Les Carter.

They break your heart @Debrons.

" I’m kind and a doormat but this negative rhetoric has severely damaged my self esteem and confidence. I now can’t make new friends because why would anybody want to me my friend when I’m so awful. " -

this is what they get you to believe! It's awful. Yet actually I am the popular one with lots of friends, he just has the latest Flying Monkey soulmate. Like the others my tipping point came when I saw he was awful to me but super nice to the children - I would say something, and he would just ignore it and then speak to the children.

Could he be having an affair? It sounds like it tbh, this extreme contempt and discard. He could be comparing you to someone else (who of course is perfect).

ScreamingLadySutch · 11/09/2019 12:01
loobylou10 · 11/09/2019 12:10

Stop trying to understand his actions. Stop allowing him to treat you like this - he does it because you are letting him. It's not you, it's him!

Take control OP.

Techway · 11/09/2019 16:56

Doesn't surprise me that you are kind as most targets of these individuals are empathic. Looking back, did he have a victim story? Often is a good test to draw an empatic person in.
Once the lightbulb goes on you will see his behaviour in a different light..but be warned that he will pick up on this and he may . Does he have any secret behaviours with phones etc?

The"why" is a deep question and generally the cause is still unknown although scans reveal that disordered individuals have different brain patterns, specifically lacking in empathy. A healthy mind can't understand or relate to an unhealthy mind so you may never fully get it it was the same with me..why would he want conflict?

Lundy's book is called "Why does he do that" because it is a question so many women ask.

I would also recommend a short book by Anna McCrea as it is very succinct in describing her experiences. She also hosts a website & fb support page.

Understanding his behaviour may help you to prepare for his reactions. I found the phrase observe & not absorb helpful. However this is a man you married and had children with so no amount of analysis stops the hurt.

As pink says..imagine the bully, rationally you know why they behave like this but ultimately you can't relate to it because you would never act like this.

Techway · 11/09/2019 17:14
  • he may ramp up abuse.
Hederex · 11/09/2019 17:24

I've just read this thread from the start to where we are currently and you can already get a much stronger sense of you and who you are from your most recent post.
You are also obviously thinking all this stuff through rather than discarding it in a defensive way.
That's enough to tell me, not that there was any doubt, that this isn't you, and that the strong happy version of you is still there.

Techway · 13/09/2019 13:18

@Debrons, how are you?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page