Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?

[HeadLikeSpaghetti]

Hi all. I'm new to mumsnet and was pointed here by a friend.
This could really be something or nothing and I'm so confused. I've been married for years. Really happily, I've never had one issue with him in all the time we've been together. But... on Sunday I was walking past the spare room where his laptop is when I saw him quickly click out of an email account that didn't look like his. When I asked he got all flustered and said of course it was but Ive got a terrible feeling about his reaction.
This morning I still hadn't shaken it so started digging. I put his phone no in various providers and it was linked to gmail. (His isn't gmail). Now this is where it could be nothing. I can also get into this gmail with his other (usual) email. It then gives the option to convert his usual account to gmail. So I'm guessing it may be innocent but could anyone explain the following please

1. He has a few passwords he uses. The one to get into this gmail is different from his email one
2. There is a username that is not mentioned anywhere on his usual account
3. This username with gmail.com on the end is a recognised email address but the same password doesn't work with it
4. There are options to look at internet history and location history (this one says paused) but I can't seem to look at anything.

I'm just so confused with what I'm looking at. I've always trusted him and feel bad for even writing this but then keep thinking what if?
I know not all perfect husbands are what they seem!

Of course his mum's going to believe everything he says. You'll have to stay strong when she starts pleading with you to take her poor baby back. But you ARE stronger than you think OP. Good luck x

@HeadLikeSpaghetti you are doing all the right things. Let him wallow in what has happened for the week. I'm so glad you called his mother, it's what I did as soon as I found out about my ex and his cheating. However, she did (for a time) believe everything he said, but came round eventually with a tearful apology.

Telling your DC their dad is working away is a great plan too. Gives you some time and space to think on what to do next. So pleased you have your friend supporting you. My best friend was a gem in my split, couldn't have got through it without her. Hope it goes well finding a solicitor today. You are amazing, don't forget that....and he isn't worth 100 of you xx

It's sickening when someone pulls the rug out from under you like this. To go from thinking you're going to be with someone forever to finding who they really are puts you into emotional freefall and it's so scary.

You're doing so well - you've got the power now, you're making the decisions. Stay strong and keep posting for support when you need it, sadly so many of us have been on the same rollercoaster.

Also loving that you told his mum and that she appears to be taking you seriously.

Take care of you

You go OP! That's the way to be. Screw him, seriously. He's in a mess? She says it like you should actually feel sorry for him when you've not done anything to him.

I hope you manage to heal from this OP, you deserve so much better.

@eenymeenyminyme I know, betrayal is huge isn’t it. I never realised how devastating it can be. Trust is the very bedrock of our being. We need to know who people are, in order to make our own decisions. Having children and relationships are a serious business.

Take good care of yourself. You’ve been hugely betrayed.

However like others have said. You are not the betrayer. You are not the one with a big problem. You are trustworthy. Hold your head high you have done nothing wrong. You have been left with the mess of it, however you don’t have to clear it up for him. You just have to forge ahead one day at a time, leaving his sorry mess behind.

And with his mother, at least you know he’s got someone there. I know I felt so angry at my Ex but also strangely worried too, you can’t turn off love overnight so that OP can hand over this worry to his mother is fantastic. Because she really doesn’t need to be thinking of his needs right now!

You rock!

I love that you told his mother as well though I feel sorry for her having such a shithead for a son. Certain types of STI can be become fatal to a foetus so if he was screwing prostitutes throughout your marriage he put you and his own children at risk and maybe Granny should chew on that information next time she sends any more messages defending him. He put you all at that kind of risk and just to get off.

Also Granny is talking shite. How can a sex addiction be present and require immediate counselling when he's not having any sexual contact with them and never did? That's like me saying I'm addicted to alcohol but I've always been a tee-totaller and never touched a drop.
I've never heard of an addict or recovering addict addicted to something that they never ever sampled.

It's less that his mum believes it, more she's trying to help her son out. She's hardly likely to say he's been shagging toms for years.

You’re doing a cracking job, OP. Please hold your head high. I wish I had half your strength!
It’s fucking hilarious your husband is trying to deny it. He’ll be wildly desperate & invent all sorts of fantastic excuses. He’s now realised the enormity of his pathetic actions & that it’s cost him his beautiful family.

Stay strong, there will be times where you feel sorry for him. But power on through, keep that momentum going and lean on your friends and family. They’ll be there to help you through it.

Your friend sounds like a rock. Champion for phoning in sick today! Give her a huge hug from all of us. I’m so happy you have support in real life. Xx

You are doing great head.

I'm so glad you have told your friend and have someone in real life to support you.

Don't engage with him or anyone else like his mum.

Just focus on yourself and the things you need to get in place.

Stay strong and think that one day all this will be your past and until then you just need to get your head down and get through it.

You are doing all the right things. Well done you for being so strong and not believing his bullshit.
Look after yourself, I wish you all the luck and happiness you deserve xx

Compile a dossier of all your joint finances such as income, expenditure, pensions, assets, debts etc. See citizens advice too as they can give you lots of useful info. Check all the drawers for paper records of everything. I'm guessing you will have him move out rather than you moving out. I still think it is a bad idea to tell your girls exactly what has happened but is your decision.

Am sorry you have gone through this OP. How awful for you.

This is so awful! So sorry you are going through this nightmare

@HeadLikeSpaghetti

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It has to be a terrible shock. I admire how you've handled everything. Telling your mother-in-law was exactly the right thing to do. You warned her about his threat of self-harm, and she knows why you've made him leave.

The biggest concern I've seen mentioned is whether or not to tell your children.

As an early teen, I knew why my parents' marriage was ending. I never had to wonder why she made him leave. I think knowing helped the four of us (kids & mom) grow stronger as our family changed. My sweet, trusting, accomodating mother transformed into a warrior. She protected us, loved us fiercely and we knew we were the most important things in her life. I learned that strong women don't accept that kind of treartment. I never blamed her. She wasn't the one to destroy our family.

You've done nothing wrong. It's all on him. The damage began the first time he went looking. He knew the chance he was taking, but continued for years. Even if you'd never found out, he was still hurting the family All that time and energy focused on hiding his secrets, not to mention the risks he was exposing you all to.

A close friend's husband was arrested during a raid on a massage parlor. All his dirty little secrets were exposed, but somehow they managed to hide all of it from their young adult children. He was a "good" father and when she divorced him, her kids blamed her for destroying their family. They had so much sympathy for their father and none for her. Three years later, after his 2nd wife left, she finally told them because they still expected her to reconcile. It was his shameful behavior, both parents lied to them, but they still blame their mother.

I know you'll think carefully about what to tell them, but your kids are old enough that they'll know something is very wrong. Especially if they haven't seen a lot of fights and arguments over the years. They don't have to know all the details but they need an explanation.

It's a harmful, destructive secret, but you can't protect them forever. There's a good chance they'll find out later, and the lies will hurt them all over again. Remember, you didn't do this. He did. Family counseling may help, and you'll be there for them every step of the way. Your lives will change, but you'll get through it together.

I've included some links to resources with (hopefully) helpful information about what to tell teenagers. But if you can, get professional guidance on how to tell them.

Sending you hugs and strength!

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-infidelity/201305/should-the-children-know-youve-had-affair

beyondaffairs.com/2013-archives/tell-your-children-about-the-affair/

Thanks for the continued support everyone. I’ve been reading your messages over and over.
I too am glad he is at home mums. He’s ruined everything but I’m glad he’s not going to hurt himself. I miss him so much, or at least the husband I thought I had. It almost feels like he has died and I am grieving him. I cried this morning when I absentmindedly got 2 cups down for coffee. I just don’t understand why he would do this.
I’m deleting every message that comes through before I read it. The first couple of words are I’m sorry or I love you but I don’t read past that.
Thank you for the links ‘been where you are’, I will have a good read through as this is my biggest worry and I want to make sure I get it right. As you say, I can’t say we’ve grown apart because we got on like a house in fire, but I don’t want them to hate him.
I feel like this week he’s ‘working away’ is the eye of the storm. It’s deathly calm but I know what’s coming.
Thanks again everyone. Your support, advice and experience and helping me more than I can say

Hi @HeadLikeSpaghetti

I've read the whole thread and am yet to comment but I have to say I'm blown away by you. You have managed this with such grace and focus, I think you're amazing! You have completely done the right thing, especially telling his mum!

Sounds like you have a great friend and you will get through this, you are doing your dc proud. So, just well done! He is a prick and you are wonderful.

One thing another poster said OP related to telling children. When my 1st marriage split my boys were 8 and 5 and they stayed with their dad.(mutual decision for all kinds of reasons) I never told them the reasons why we split , just fudged it and consequently I was always seen as the wrong one that just wanted to leave and I’ve not had a strong relationship with them. . It’s my biggest regret in life.

Totally different circumstances to yours, but when a friend split and divorced she told the basic, top level truths with a "I will tell you details when your older"

So dad has left, their is another woman involved and it's a betrayal we cant get past" is all they need to know. There is no lie then and no hurtful details. Or words along those lines. Just keep reminding them it's about dad, not them.

I wish you strength for telling them. You are absolutely right not telling them now. Get your head straight first. Think about your words. Make sure no one tells them anything before you do.

Morning @HeadLikeSpaghetti. You’re continuing to amaze us all!
I agree with @beenwhereyouare’s beautifully-worded post. Your girls are old enough to understand betrayal in a relationship. I was a teenager (16) when I found out about my mother’s infidelity and it helped my brother and I (then 14) understand there was no chance my parents would reconcile.
They sat us down together and it was my mum who broke the news to us. She took ownership of her actions and sought our forgiveness.
While it did hurt my relationship with my mum temporarily, I was able grow, forgive and eventually move past it. I never hated my mother. As a teenager, I was pleased my parents thought me mature enough to know the truth... and as it turns out, I now have a wonderful relationship with both my parents.
I know you’ll choose your words carefully & obviously won’t go into the horrid details, but I do think it’s worth being honest with your girls. Otherwise, there is a risk they’ll blame you for breaking up the happy family.
How did you go organising a solicitor?
X

There’s probably a balance between outright saying to your children ‘your Dad has visited prostitutes for years’ - which has massive consequences for their own view of themselves and morals etc...

...To saying it’s just differences and they wander what on Earth is going on, and will see their Dad weak, upset and kicked out, and you rallying on. Sometimes easy then to make up where blame lies.

I think in your position, which I have been our child was only 2, I’d say that their father has cheated on you with other women. And say you don’t want to go into details, but that they can ask you anything. They will have many questions.

I’d go through beforehand though with your family I think and even maybe a session with a trained therapist who is expert in this field first. So you have wider support and also so your children can ask others.

It does need bought into the light but I’d probably take my time on this one. Wait a week at least or more.

Urgh so horrible. So tragic. Such a waste. Poor you.

Glad you don’t feel responsible for his upset and he has his mum. My ex got very very low. Shame is a huge one. He has to face up to himself and his base selfish actions that harmed you, harm the family, harm the prostitutes. It’s the only way he can go forward is by bearing that himself over a long time. My ex felt so bad he had to go to the doctor etc, which looking back I think that the least they owe us is growing up and bearing their own pain well away from us. Because they caused it. I think my Ex felt so bad about himself, yet 6 months later he was testing women again. I think if they’ve been doing this a long time it’s a very long road for them to get out of. If they ever do.

You need space and time to bear your own pain and humiliation. It’s awful. You need the focus and the support and not be thinking about him. Glad you’ve deleted the messages. It might be worth telling him to stop contact for at least a month. You can sort out access once a week for his kids through his mother. No talk about him and excuses. That conversation goes nowhere and should be off the table. You need protected time.

Long long, so are you saying that he felt so bad he had to go to the doctor for treatment but ultimately he went back to using prostitutes because that's what made him feel good about himself?

He’s disgusting. Keep strong op 😘

@bombomboobah my ex wasn’t using prostitutes, although who knows really, however I was just trying to say, in a poorly put way, that OPs DH might be incredibly low for a while, but that he needs to sort this away from her. It’s so easy to get pulled in to their excuses and grief after the secret is out but all that does is detract from OPs own need to go through her own grief.

My Ex was genuinely very low, after I found out he’d been seeing women from online websites while I was pregnant and for months. He was so low I was quite worried, he was full of guilt. So ashamed. I think it was the lowest point in his life.

I actually took him back after 4 months. Went to counseling. However what it is that enabled him to compartmentalise and cross that line in the first place, was obviously not ‘fixed’. 6 months later he was doing it again. No idea exactly why but I don’t really care why. That’s entirely his responsibility. I care about the devastating effects on me and my family which I have to carry with me for the rest of my life. Does make you stronger though.

@Longlongsummer I'm genuinely sorry to hear that happened to you. I tried to take someone back who claimed they were getting help, once upon a time, but they never changed.

It's shocking how people can use certain things as an excuse, such as mental illness. Mental illness is never an excuse. I have schizoaffective disorder and I wouldn't dream of doing something so wicked to someone and hurting them in this way.

@NoThankYouSatan thank you. Your story is pretty heartbreaking too. It really brings it home doesn’t it. Taking them back is like opening and wound and making it deeper. It’s so hard to realize that the person we loved and trusted enough to have children with, could hurt and let us down so badly. Which is probably why they try and label it as an illness to not face themselves. If you can’t truly face yourself and the consequences of what you’ve done, you are likely to do it again, as we’ve painfully found out.

What this poor OP is going through. It’s awful.