Can anyone explain what I'm looking at?

[HeadLikeSpaghetti]

Hi all. I'm new to mumsnet and was pointed here by a friend.
This could really be something or nothing and I'm so confused. I've been married for years. Really happily, I've never had one issue with him in all the time we've been together. But... on Sunday I was walking past the spare room where his laptop is when I saw him quickly click out of an email account that didn't look like his. When I asked he got all flustered and said of course it was but Ive got a terrible feeling about his reaction.
This morning I still hadn't shaken it so started digging. I put his phone no in various providers and it was linked to gmail. (His isn't gmail). Now this is where it could be nothing. I can also get into this gmail with his other (usual) email. It then gives the option to convert his usual account to gmail. So I'm guessing it may be innocent but could anyone explain the following please

1. He has a few passwords he uses. The one to get into this gmail is different from his email one
2. There is a username that is not mentioned anywhere on his usual account
3. This username with gmail.com on the end is a recognised email address but the same password doesn't work with it
4. There are options to look at internet history and location history (this one says paused) but I can't seem to look at anything.

I'm just so confused with what I'm looking at. I've always trusted him and feel bad for even writing this but then keep thinking what if?
I know not all perfect husbands are what they seem!

So sorry OP, but you are being amazing - I’d have absolutely lost it. If you can take anything away from this situation, it’s that you are incredibly calm in a crisis. Sending so much love

I can’t believe how you are maintaining a calm persona......

I would have gone crazy.

I’m so sorry to hear this update. You just knew though. You just knew so well done for digging and finding your evidence.

Definitely see a solicitor and be prepared for him to lie and minimise even when confronted.

Sending you strength, a clear head and some rest OP - hope you can get out in front of someone tomorrow- a friend-GP or Solicitor for guidance and support

How are you doing today @HeadLikeSpaghetti? Hope you’ve managed some sleep.

So sorry to read this, sadly your gut instinct was right all along.. it's never wrong to be fair!

Take some time to get your sh*t together, then make him aware of what you know. I'd love to hear his excuses (don't buy it the lies will be fabulous)! As for the children, they need to know very little at this point, when they are older and able to deal with the full truth of his lies it will at least be the final jigsaw piece. Hope you got some sleep last night, I know that feeling well, take care of yourself xx

How are you today @HeadLikeSpaghetti ? Must be just so hard having your world turned upside down like this 💔

I just stumbled across this post. I genuinely was so shocked. I really thought you were going to be proved wrong @HeadLikeSpaghetti I am so sorry you have to go through this! X

Thank you for the messages. I’m as ok as I can be, I managed to get some sleep last night. I think The google account must have logged him out when I logged in as there’s nothing there although I know he was looking at holidays yesterday. I know I don’t an ounce more proof but I want to know for myself what he’s looking at. His laptop auto filled a hotmail email address but not the password. I had a look on social media, Skype, palypal etc and there are about 10 accounts that say this email is active. I guess the google will tell me what he is looking at with regards to these. I just to know everything. I’m still trying to get all the paperwork copied which is hard when he’s always here.
Someone said I would slowly absorb this and they are right. I want to be over the shock before I confront him so I can think straight.
I don’t know what to tell my girls when it’s time. They are 17 and 14. I don’t want to say that we decided to separate as we don’t get in - because we do! But I don’t want them to hate him. Like someone said he has been a great dad and they live him. (Great dads don’t do this clearly, but they think he’s great)

At 17 and 14 you don't need to necessarily lie!
I wouldn't want them knowing it was prostitutes though.
I would just let them know that dad did something that you find unforgivable and he agrees and he is moving out.
They will figure out for themselves that it is cheating but I really hope they never find out what a low-life, scumbag, vile, creepy, misogynist their dad really is!?

You sound strong(ish) OP.
This must be horrendous.
I absolutely understand the wanting the know 'everything'
You never will though.
You'll never get the truly full picture.
Some of that may be a blessing.
Just keep snooping when you can.
Get your paperwork sorted - when you can.
Keep going OP.
We are all here if you need to vent or rant or cry or scream!!!

I agree that you shouldn't hide the truth. At that age they need a vague honest explanation as to what happened.

I was traumatised by my mum telling me what my dad had done between the ages of 11 to 15, so I think they need protecting as their brains are still growing.

Let them find out much later.... I think your 14 year old could be harmed by finding this out.

I had to have counselling later on in life. I know it is not your fault, but unless he tells him - and he would be a jerk to do so - this is not their cross to bear. Not ever really....

You’re doing bloody brilliantly @HeadLikeSpaghetti. We are all here for you.

Have you spoken with your friend any more? I hope she can be a good support for you in real life. You’ll need someone to pour the wine and hug. Xx

I would just let them know that dad did something you find unforgivable and he agrees and he is moving out.

This is a sensible way of handling it.

Although, I think your husband should be the one telling the girls he’s done something unforgivable and he needs to move out. He MUST be accountable for his actions.

Yes, please avoid telling them. In fact I wouldn't even say he did something unforgivable. This makes their brains work overtime. It's unfair. This isn't their weight to take on. He is a great dad just a shitty husband.

The other thing you can do is go to the App Store on his phone or iPad... type ‘sex’ into the search bar and any apps he has downloaded will show the cloud with the arrow (if iPhone or Apple iPad) also search for ‘hook ups’ ‘dating’ etc. I did this with my ex and tons of hook-up, dating & sex related sites came up.

I wouldn't tell the girls - if you say it's unagreeable they will just go on and on until they get the truth. I agree with the poster who said their brains will just work overtime
Big hugs ❤️

Also, you could look on Fab Swingers and see if he is on there. You don’t have to put pics or info on your profile to search. Advanced search, women looking for men, assume if he’s on there he’s said he’s younger so set age range younger and to his actual age, your postcode and set area to 20 miles.

Again, my vile ex was on there. Be warned though, it’s pretty grim & graphic on there.

sending you lots of support OP, youve been amazingly strong

Please don't tell your children he gas done anything wrong. It could open up a Pandoras box of future mental health issues especially for the 14 year old

there is a page when you sign up to gmail that allows you to use your own email address to access google services (youtube etc) and means you do not have to have a gmail account at all. So in your husbands case has he not done that using his yahoo details, so he can access google servies?

It allowed me to sign up using my outlook email, and I can use all of googles services without needing a gmail account. If i try to sign in to gmail using my outlook email it tells me to create a gmail account but I have access to everything else such as youtube, google account, contacts etc.

OP wont tell her kids, she was just wondering how the fk this Is going to be announced to them without anyone being the bad guy .... I mean we know who the bad guy is but by protecting the kids she has to come up with something good sp they remain happy but something that does not make her look bad or of confuse them . Us mums are the protectors to the end eh x

Us mums are the protectors to the end eh

How true.
XH - violent
DH - long term affair

All DCs blissfully unaware

Have just seen this thread and read start to finish. Sadly sounds a similar story to a friend a few years back. Her and her 2 girls (a bit younger than yours OP) are all very happy and doing well now. It's been a tough few years but they got through it. Best of luck x

@SO21 ... same here .. well one ex that was every bad thing under the sun .. but never not once did I want my children to be hurt or think he didnt give a shit. Turned out he didnt give a shit . They were both at high school when we split and he does not even bother with them .. I'm a proud nannny now .. and 'he' .. well 'he' is fuck all !!