Humiliated by dh in middle of Costco

[Mummy20192]

I feel humiliated and broken... went out shopping with Dds and dh to Costco. Heaving with ppl. We qued up to pay for shopping, when dh asked to return trolley. On my way back with dds after putting trolley back, we were stopped by a promotional lady sampling eczema creams.. youngest dd suffers from horrendous eczema so we stopped to sample a bit of cream.. we were away maybe for 5 min tops... my phone was on silent so didn’t hear dhs missed calls.

He saw us standing and started shouting top of his lungs do my wallet with my Costco cards, I was shocked everyone stopped and stared at me.. I was like “I’m sorry I’m coming” he blasted back “well answer your phone”.

I was so embarrassed, everyone close by stopped at stared at me being screamed at.. the lady who was showing the sample was so embarrassed, she apologised. I have never been humiliated so badly in my life.

He said sorry for shouting, but I’m heartbroken and this infront of the dds.

Blimey. Last few posts have been a right 'woe is me'.

It's gone from a raised voice, and thus you feel you weren't given enough MN sympathy, to shouting and humiliating. Which is it?

What did he actually shout? If it was a string of expletives or name calling or something equally abusive then no that's completely unacceptable. If it was 'Mummy! Seriously what are you playing at? I need the cards! I've been phoning you! Come on, hurry up!'
Then whilst it might be less than idyllic, it's not necessarily abusive unless there's a pattern of behaviour where he regularly shouts at you and makes you feel small in public. As a one-off, is out it down to feeling pressured at the checkout and frustrated because you'd wandered off and were oblivious to his phone calls because your phone was on silent. Again it depends on the wider context.

'Is out it' should be 'I'd put it' - sorry - fat fingers!

It's gone from a raised voice, and thus you feel you weren't given enough MN sympathy, to shouting and humiliating. Which is it?

Now actually it's went to him literally screaming in her face.

Either she's in an abusive relationship and needs to get out, and I'm surprised the police or staff weren't involved from what she describes, or she's on line line lying and over exaggerating, accusing her own husband if something that didn't happen. And he needs to get out.

Either way it needs to end.

@chickenyhead everyone’s life and their experiences are subjective to them.
I’m not comparing my life to others, as I know Millions of women are in worse situations than me. But saying that no one has the right to judge my feelings and make derogatory comments

Why won't you tell us the exact words he shouted?

Yes it was heartbreaking cos I would never embarrass anyone publicly, I don’t shout and tell off my children or anyone in public. I have never done it and I would have thought it’s disrespectful, but looks like majority thinks it’s acceptable behaviour, so I’m definitely oblivious

If calling across to someone holding a queue up is the height of embarrassment then that person needs to get a grip and consider not holding the queue up.

The issue is that many of us have said theres a whole range of things and not all are the same:

• shouting across that you need the cards and wallet as your DP is mindlessly browsing whilst you're stuck in the queue - totally reasonable and understandably a cause of irritation
• shouting across the store all sorts of personal insults and being unpleasant- totally not ok
• walking over to someone screaming and bellowing at someone - obviously not ok

Across the thread it's gone from the first one to the final one.

I entirely understand why you may have felt embarrassed being shouted back, but you went to take the trolley back and then spent 5 mins sampling creams leaving him in the queue (and have even been a bit funny with people who've said that's not an ok amount of time & could have been done after). Sometimes we get embarrassed in life, just like sometimes we feel awkward and embarrassed in front of other people (for example being at the front of a queue and not having what we need because we've been left).
If there are bigger issues in the relationship then that's something to explore further, but his frustration in this situation was entirely normal.

@Mummy20192

I can see that.

I think that you need to consider whether this is a symptom of a wider picture or a one off.

What I really do believe though is that if this was as traumatic to you as you indicate, then there isn't really any way back. He will do it again in the same situation and you will start feeling wary of him incase he escalates.

This is no way to live, always waiting for the next assault and you DC both seeing his behaviour and your reaction is unhealthy.

I got out, I own my part in damaging my kids through my reaction to abuse, you will be accountable for yours if you enable it to continue.

"Relay team tag! "

No one ever shouts at Costco. I've been going for donkeys years and have frequented loads of different stores - Reading, Watford, Croydon etc.

It's all Uber civilised and a bit too naice. A man shouting at the top of his lungs, I would notice, if I was in the queue for the mammoth hotdog and pizza and chicken burger etc for £1.99.

I'm actually off to Costco in a minute.....

Bet it won't be this exciting!

OP, does he regularly shout horrible things at you? Does he scare you? Does he hit you?

Or is it just this one time where he lost it after feeling like he was holding up loads of people, and you were off somewhere in a world of your own?

If he's abusing you then you need to plan to leave. People here can help with that - maybe on a new thread.

Your husband was likely standing in the queue and his turn was getting closer and closer and he knows that they need to scan the costco card first. He called you twice, no answer. Then he spotted you over sampling creams and panicked that his turn was going to come and he wouldn't have the card ready and would have to leave the queue and queue again when you decided to come back. He was likely feeling disrespected that you went off with the card and seemed to be messing around, acting oblivious so he did what a lot of people do when they're stressed and slightly annoyed and shouted over to get you to come back and give him the card. How else was he going to get your attention? He did try to call first but you were oblivious to the fact he was almost at the front of the queue and he needed the card. Maybe your dithering and being oblivious has landed up in him looking stupid before? I know my husband has taken my debit card many times and not put it back and I've ended up in petrol stations having filled up and no means to pay because he can't put a card back when I've asked him repeatedly to! Yes I've blown up in those situations because it's made me late for work and not to mention, totally embarrassing.

Drama llama I'm afraid. I bet you he was waving and trying to attract your attention before having to shout to you.

The fact that you've trickled out more "details" to make him look bad enough that the MN masses will begin the LTBs is very suspicious.

I suggest you have a real think about what the real problems are in your relationship and why you feel justified in trying to vilify your husband on MN.

Op, is simply what's happened here is your husband is pissed off that you fucked off in Costco and then your extreme reaction to him shouting to get your attention, so you decided to come onto mumsnet to seek validation you were in the right, and when you didn't get that got caught up and started changing it and escalating to it to him now screaming in your face, shouting belittling things, and grabbing off of you in an attempt to get people to agree with you that you were right and he was wrong?

Completely missing the point of the OP, but it’s queue, not que.

@BlockedAndDeleted you’ve nailed it.
To those who are saying that women are bullying by calling out OP here, I think you’ve missed the subtle language used to manipulate readers. It’s something I am VERY familiar with and it’s dangerous because so many get sucked in.
There is clever slight changes to details and use of specific words that would have had me believing her at one point. I’m a bit wiser now and see it a mile off. Not nasty to call this out.

Hah! I said that earlier. I kept reading 'que' and channelling Manuel from Fawlty towers!

Sorry you had to experience that I would've either screamed back or waited a few minutes and gone nuclear on him

You really like making a mountain out of a molehill by the sounds of it OP.

OP I can't work out what has actually gone on at Costco BUT if you're not happy in your relationship you need to work out whether you want to spend time fixing it or leave (if he is abusive leave). The problem with writing about one incident is sometimes it's the straw that broke the camel's back and can be really small and everyone can think you are overreacting but if your DH continually shouts or belittles you it feels much much worse.

If this is completely a one-off incident, i will give you my view - DSis is completely unaware of everyone else, although she would say she is aware of others. I don't go shopping with her now but when I used to I would be your DH as I knew she would wander off and leave me embarrassed at the front of the queue and always had an attitude of 'it's only a few minutes' whilst I had been stood there getting increasingly stressed, so I would shout at her to get a move on before it got to this stage. But I have a feeling it's not just about this incident.

I have been on MN a long time and only once have I ever witnessed an unnecessary pile on like this. Lost a bit of respect for MN now actually. Not sure why hq let threads like this run. It's just been an excuse for people to have a good laugh and bitch at someone else's expense.
I would be fucking livid if my dp shouted at me in public like I was some sort of naughty child, because he wanted a card I didn't even know I had, especially after sending me away to put a trolly back, knowing I had the card. Regardless of the language the OP used about how she felt, it would have been bloody embarrassing and by the sounds of it there is more going on than just this one incident.
Honestly this is the kind of treatment that make people, who may already be a bit vulnerable, think about suicide.
If the OP does have bigger problems at home and has come to, possibly the only place she might get some support, she had been severely let down.
Fucking disgraceful.

I am VERY familiar with and it’s dangerous because so many get sucked in.
There is clever slight changes to details and use of specific words that would have had me believing her at one point.

Care to explain what makes you so VERY familiar with it?

I totally agree Drogosnextwife, this is an awful thread.

There is clever slight changes to details and use of specific words that would have had me believing her at one point

Yeah I felt the same on reading the lines of nasty, bitchy bullies twisting OPs every word, re-questioning every little point as if she's in a court of law, aiming to confuse and mock her then have a good laugh agreeing that feeling like shit after being shouted at in public by her husband is nothing. Her feelings don't matter, it serves her right.

I saw a post recently mocking the other site as for 'Huns'. As if MN taken over by a bunch of snarling harpies who can't wait to make a woman feel terrible and likely could say fuck all to a goose in real life, is some kind of badge of honour. Misery loves making others miserable. If you got the answers you fully deserve after that display you'd squeal and hit the Report button at speed.

Mean Girls x1000 idiotic follow-fashion group behaviour

I think I would holler at you too op if you had the cards and were stood there sampling creams! Some people have no sense of time or when they make others wait!

Tell him not to shout in future, it was uncalled for. However you shouldn't have gone off doing your own thing if you had his wallet and cards.

Grocery shopping is a pain, there are more rows in shopping queues than anywhere else. Ordering online is easier.