Humiliated by dh in middle of Costco

[Mummy20192]

I feel humiliated and broken... went out shopping with Dds and dh to Costco. Heaving with ppl. We qued up to pay for shopping, when dh asked to return trolley. On my way back with dds after putting trolley back, we were stopped by a promotional lady sampling eczema creams.. youngest dd suffers from horrendous eczema so we stopped to sample a bit of cream.. we were away maybe for 5 min tops... my phone was on silent so didn’t hear dhs missed calls.

He saw us standing and started shouting top of his lungs do my wallet with my Costco cards, I was shocked everyone stopped and stared at me.. I was like “I’m sorry I’m coming” he blasted back “well answer your phone”.

I was so embarrassed, everyone close by stopped at stared at me being screamed at.. the lady who was showing the sample was so embarrassed, she apologised. I have never been humiliated so badly in my life.

He said sorry for shouting, but I’m heartbroken and this infront of the dds.

Did you not post the other day about staying at your parents because he had hit you in front of your eldest daughter?

Why didn’t you come back with the card?

I think you’ve unnecessarily created this situation

To be fair, he was in a busy shop, getting ready to pay and then you're off somewhere else sampling creams (which could just as easily be done after you'd paid on the way out).
Whilst you're sampling creams, he has a queue behind him

Sorry OP but I have to agree with this.

Haven't there been quite a few humiliated in public posts lately?

@CandyLeBonBon

I still think she was the one who screamed in the Sistine chapel!
Excellent comment!

You were in the wrong. You stopped for a sample when you knew your DH was in the queue. 5 minutes is a long time in that scenario. I’d have shouted at you to hurry up as well

If my DH wandered off with the Costco card whilst I was at the front of the queue I would be fuming too, especially if it was so busy! You could have told the lady you'd come back and sample the cream after you had paid.

On the face of it your do was getting panicky about holding the queue up and it sounds like he over reacted, however your use of words also seem like a huge over reaction.

From what you've said, this sounds as if it's is part of a much bigger problem where he constantly belittles you and humiliates you?
I think the difference is that whilst you put up with this a lot, this time it was in public? If this is right then obviously it's unacceptable so maybe this might be the trigger point where you begin to think about whether you need to leave him or not? Sometimes it takes a lightbulb moment to open our eyes to something.

This thread has baffled me.

When is is acceptable to shout loudly at someone in this situation? I would not have liked it and would not do this to someone. I have taught my toddler to not do this as it is rude and aggressive. You move closer to someone and use your normal voice, not bellow instructions!

If I saw this in public, (depending on tone) one of my first thoughts would be that there is domestic violence/ power imbalance in that relationship. It is not pleasant interactions between adults.

OP I am sensing this is not a one off event. You need to talk to your husband about any behaviours that upset you.

*"But in every situation where they may be abuse present, I prefer to ensure that it definitely isn't the case, than to automatically kneejerk dismiss it. It's safer. And kinder."

But you were the one who kneejerk assumed it?"*

Did you miss the bit where I said "I'm not saying the OP is heading to DV btw. "

OK I'll qualify my first remark. I would assume that there was a high probability of abuse being present in that relationship.

Bottom line is that it is not acceptable to yell so loudly in public at someone that you humiliate them and telling women that it is, contributes to the general climate where domestic violence and abusive relationships are more common than they should be.

The OP may have behaved like a prat or not (it's not clear). But we're not discussing her behaviour, we're discussing her husband's response to her behaviour. He may have had a genuine grievance. But anyone who can blithely say that his behaviour was OK, has an unhealthy approach to relationships quite frankly.

And yeah, there's a whiff of mean girls getting drunk on a friday night about this thread, it's distasteful.

i didn’t take the card to him, he cane upto me? screamed and he and grabbed it off me..

So now he screamed and grabbed it off you.
You keep changing your story to try to get the response you want.

If he really did scream at you and humiliate you in Costco (what exactly did he say by the way? What were his exact words?) then you should LTB.
Is that what you want to hear? Leave him - he's an abusive arsehole.

So what are you going to do about it now?

I think you need to work on your resilience if someone shouting at you is “heartbreaking”. It sounds like one of those situations where people get a bit stressy in crowded shops and unless it’s a usual pattern of behaviour in your relationship, I’d move on

There's a difference between speaking loudly to get someone's attention across a crowded and busy shop and screaming abusively. The waters are muddied here because the facts keep changing so I can't work out if the op is being overly dramatic and a bit over sensitive or has a genuine reason to feel that her husband's behaviour is abusive or aggressive.

Because there doesn't appear to be clarity or objectivity it's really hard to get a true picture of the reality of the situation.

My mum is always wandering off if we go shopping with her and it drives me nuts because she doesn't say 'oh I'm just going to pop into xyz shop, she just goes and after 10 mins of looking for her and becoming a bit frustrated, she tells us that she assumed we saw where she went. It's really irritating. I've had to phone her on more than one occasion because she's nowhere in sight (it's not dementia by the way).

From the OP's other threads I think there's more to her husband's behaviour than we are seeing here so it's been very hard to take seriously the dramatic language based on something that, on first appearance could be innocuous from a different perspective.

If he's behaving aggressively on a regular basis op, then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. If it's a one off, then stating you're 'broken' etc is probably a bit of an intense reaction.

Oh I'd have have been angry with you too! Who thinks it's OK to start sampling creams when you know you need to be back at the queue and ready to pay? 5 minutes is a long time in a situation like that.

I would bet a lot of money that he didn't scream, he just raised his voice so that you could hear and make it clear that there was some urgency as you seem to lack awareness of it.

I wouldn't want to be held up in Costco by a couple in front who hadn't got their shit together and were fancying around with creams. He prob got annoyed as queue was moving and you were away with the fairies

OP, I've just found your thread about you feeling like a doormat (isn't advanced search great).
I thought you were being over-dramatic on this thread but I think maybe this was the last straw. It sounds like your 'D'H wasn't treating you properly when you had your in laws there in June. So it seems to be part of a pattern.
You need to think about whether you really want to live like this. This relationship doesn't sound good for you.

But my dh doesn’t even speak to me, if he does he just snaps or just ignores me like I’m the hired help...
I work, do school run, entertain his parents and doesn’t even bother asking how I am... I feel invisible... I’m doing everything for him and he can’t even show appreciation... I’m so fed up...I feel like I have no place in his life now that his parents are here... his dad only speaks to me when he’s not around... in evening / weekend its like I don’t exsist.. I just feel like a doormat at the moment

conniedescending
I agree. It's inconsiderate to the person at the till and everyone else who is waiting in a busy shop. The ever changing story doesn't help either.

If there's an overall trend of unpleasant behaviour in their relationship the Op would be better off posting with it all / enough for actual advice. Otherwise in this instance it's fairly clear why someone in a busy shop would shout across at someone else frustrated because they're in a queue and their other half is sampling creams on a sales stand (which could be done quite easily after the checkout was completed).

I’m not changing my story... it’s still the same.. I didn’t say I was in the right to stop and sample cream. I never said I intentionally took the cards, or decided to hold the queue. Yes I was absent minded and didn’t think that the checkout would have moved on so fast.

I am not changing any story, I’m just adding details as asked...

@CandyLeBonBon Not everyone can communicate on your level, but getting a point across politely isn’t very difficult, as many have posted on this thread.

@Drabarni no need to get on high horse, because you caught out my grammatical errors.. it doesn’t make me any less of a person because of spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, I hadn’t realised a prerequisite to posting on mumsnet was holding a degree in English.

What is surprising that so many of these lovely mumsnetters think publicly being shouted is acceptable behaviour! I might have been a oblivious and whatever else that I have been called on here but from some of these “educated” and “in tuned” ladies who sat in their houses have on purposefully thought it’s acceptable to mock other people...

Ok @Mummy20192 but the information you've given is conflicting and doesn't make sense. And as I said there's a difference between perhaps being frustrated and raising your voice across a busy shop fliorcto get someone's attention, and screaming abuse at them. So I'll continue to politely ask you to clarify because what you've written is hard to make sense of and seems a strange thing to be heartbroken over. That's not mocking, that's trying to understand clearly what's happened. As another pp said, perhaps this is part of a wider picture?

I have children so I know the difference between shouted at and raised voice.

I just don’t think it’s right to shout in a telling off manor towards a grown women infront of children and other people.

Some of the lovely ladies on here have vast personal experience of domestic violence and abuse. I haven't read your other threads, but the language used to describe the most humiliating experience of your life is OTT.

being a victim of domestic violence sucks and if you are living with that then please seek help.

The most humiliating thing that has happened to some of us is being urinated on in public, so apologies but your language about being heartbroken at a situation you causedmakes a mockery of many others experiences.

Ok op so what do you want to do? If you're unhappy with this man and you feel he treats you badly then you probably need to get out?

Yes it was heartbreaking cos I would never embarrass anyone publicly, I don’t shout and tell off my children or anyone in public. I have never done it and I would have thought it’s disrespectful, but looks like majority thinks it’s acceptable behaviour, so I’m definitely oblivious

'This is just very odd op, it started off with you going off for five mins, holding up the queue, you're husband trying to phone you, so then shouting over at you for his wallet and cards. Literally that. You even attempted to write what he shouted,

It's now turned into him publicly screaming in your face, shouting belittling things, screaming, grabbing it off you and basically verbally and physically abusing you in public when people expressed how frustrating it is for soemeone to fuck off without warning and to be holding up the queue waiting for them.

I don't know which version is the truth, but if you say he was literally screaming, grabbing, shouting belittling things you need to end thr relationship. If you're over exaggerating you need to think about why you're doing this.