Dating thread 169: You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body...

[JeSuisPrest]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

Thread 169 open for business, roll up, roll up...

Thanks everyone - I don't quite know what to think but it's definitely all over. I don't know if you remember that he lost his mum and I think this has affected him more than both of us thought. I don't hate him but feel very hurt and heartbroken. He says he's very sorry but can't be in a relationship with anyone at the moment

@CassettesAreCool look up Avoidant Attachment. Some of it might resonate. If not, no harm done.

Schema Therapy is great at breaking patterns that you think could be holding you back. It's a pretty advanced psychological practice though, so it's usually more on the expensive side. It helped me immensely though.

Thanks rick. I'm pretty sure I have a secure personality from childhood and I have no problems with self-esteem or relationships with my DC, wider family, friends and colleagues. I think my problems are trust and fear of being made a fool of again by a 'partner', so I self-sabotage potential relationships. If I called up a counsellor, how do you think I would phrase that?

onlyme I'm so sorry to hear about you and Mr Tall. It's no comfort I know but almost everyone I know who has lost their DM really struggled with their relationship in the immediate aftermath, me included. Is it possible that he just needs some time on his own but will come back?

@cassettes that’s what I do all the time - sabotage relationships so I can’t get hurt.
Trouble is it still does hurt me and usually the other person too. But feels safer to be doing it than wait for it to be done to you. If that makes sense?
I have spent 2 years doing this - but now I am more aware I am consciously working on not doing it. Hence asking for support above...

It may well be worth talking it through with a counsellor but in my opinion now you are aware of it it will be easier to work on

@CassettesAreCool I know he's struggling being an orphan. I don't know if he'll come back and not sure I'd want him back as he's really hurt me and made me worry unnecessarily last night. He basically went offline and didn't let me know he was ok. I've always put honesty above everything else and he knows that. We've parted on good terms but don't think there's a future

Thanks savoretti, I'm sure you are right re acknowledging self-sabotage as being the biggest step. Does Mr Tri know your issues and that you are a flight risk as a result? It must be a good thing that he shared with you, and as simon says, she is his ex for a reason.

onlyme I'm sorry for what you been through .

Out on 2nd date with Miss Eyes tonight. Does anyone else get more nervous on date two than date one? Cos that's me right now 😬😁

Re sabotaging and attachment. Your attachment issues dont need to reach back into childhood. They can be temporary or as the result of painful relationships. I'd probably put it under the bracket of fearful avoidance. I do it. Well did it once. Our attachment styles can shift in response to someone else's also.

Thanks supercali that’s very helpful

Oh and good luck tonight rick

@Azadewow www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/happy-one-day-chopped-the-next-when-they-breakup-and-vanish/

may be useful ?

Relax in the knowledge that you've dodged someone contemptible and cowardly.

@Savoretti That experience may have opened him up to himself and he has in turn been honest with you about things. He doesn't regard you as second best, rather you should consider yourself very highly regarded because he's recognised the unsuitability of the ex and told you that.

@onlymebutdifferent I really feel for you having been there recently. You really will RuleOk very soon even though you are probably feeling sick to the stomach now. I'm pretty secure and stable but I have to admit it really hit those parts of me pretty hard. I couldn't quite understand how I had got things so wrong nor whether I could trust myself to not get things so wrong again. But once things settled, I took away from it that I'd been able to make that leap of faith that troubles so many in online dating, and I feel sure I can do it again. That's something I hadn't been able to do in a long, long time post LTR. So if you do find yourself full of doubts and confusion right now, I hope you will in short time believe in yourself again.

Thanks @HairyArsedMan that's exactly what I needed to hear. I will rule again but it's going to take some time as it was quite unexpected and I know he feels dreadful about it.

I’m so sorry to hear about all the troubles tonight! for everyone.

Except Rick who is going to have a fab date fingers crossed!

@WhatWhyWhen it was a fab date, lots of kissing and dtd 🙈. God I get lost in her eyes and holy hell she's fun to be around. We are really similar people and on the same page, so we just click.

Not sure if I can do this anymore been ghosted by 2 daters now.. I don't get it..Why chat or date and then disappear.. I know it happens . Off to diet page to add weight loss and see if that helps....

@notmrscookie Weight has nothing to do with it sweetheart. Nearly all of us on here having experienced ghosting at all stages of OLD - some will do it after matching and chatting, some will do it after a couple of dates, some will do it after a couple of months. It's who they are, not who you are. Keep swiping and matching, you will be right for the right person. 🌻

@RickDeckard Sounds like things are going well for you! 😀

@onlymebutdifferent Feel so much for you, it's horrible when things end unexpectedly, but he has been very honest with you and I believe if he thought he could manage to give 100% to being in a relationship it would be with you, but he needs to deal with his grief first. You were so supportive to him when his mum passed away, he knows how lucky he was to have you to lean on and I'm sure he'll always be grateful for you being in his life then.

@SBD1 Hope you manage to find the perfect outfit for your date tonight. Primani also do some v.nice underwear- just saying 😉

@Coffeeandchocolate9 Hopefully you're well rested, drugged up and on the mend soon 🤞🏻

@MoreNiceCereal Where are you at arranging a date with MrViking? It's always a risk that you won't have the spark in real life even of you do whilst messaging and I think both men and women accept that as part of OLD, which is why you either need to have the skin of a rhino if you message a lot for a long time before meeting up or meet quickly so you don't overinvest. I honestly tried to meet most of my irons within a few days of matching, even for a 30 minute coffee in Costas, but most of mine were v.local.

@Savoretti Start today with the attitude that MrTri thinks you are pretty fanfuckingtastic and forget about "competing" with his ex. Be your best version of you. The one that makes him wonder what he ever saw in her and how he thanks his lucky stars she dumped him which allowed you to come into his life.

@Neverexpected2 Did you get a second date arranged with MrWade? Strike whilst the iron is hot and all that.

@sunshineandflipflops You so deserve to be treated. Remember MrAd is showing you how he feels - he wants to impress you, wants to make sure you know that you are a priority in his life even if it is early days. He sounds like a very caring soul and certainly not the type to play games with you.

Things continue to go well for me and MrC(ornish). DD and I are heading down to his for the weekend. He's very sweet and asked her last time they met what her top 5 meals were. Suffice to say at least 2 of them are being made by him this weekend. He's not daft 😂. I get to help him clear the loft of 100 years worth of crap, yeah we're definitely in couple territory now but we just love being together, whatever we're doing 🤷‍♀️. He may feel differently after he's sat through Strictly for the first time tonight- DD and I are big fans 😂🕺💃🏽

Coffee I hope you're on the mend soon.

I hope I get all the names right now!!

Savoretti I do understand the feeling of being second best. But we most of us have exes and he is with you now. I've struggled a bit with this with Mr BC (who's wife died).

only/kermit I'm sorry. He's been honest and obviously needs time to get his head together.

Cassettes I'm absolutely sure you don't have to diagnose yourself - I've had counselling for quite a while and have talked about a range of things. You could just contact a counsellor and say you feel you are having issues with relationships.

Rick sounds like that went well!

JeSuis glad all is well with you and MrC. MrBC has no idea that my missing Strictly tonight (am recording it, obvs) is testament to how I feel about him 😂

shit you sound a bit more positive about the whole Mr B/ex/hospital situation now.

Enjoy your day out Sunshine.

@JeSuisPrest
We are seeing each other next Sunday. We matched just as both our lives sort of went kaboom with various things, making us ridiculously busy.

I agree with what you are saying, and I do try to meet up with an iron asap but we just can't coordinate until then. Ah well.

I decided to stop myself from getting overinvested, I went in a date with someone else. I'll call him Mr Uni. It was a very short coffee but I seemed to make an all right impression, as he asked me out again. We don't have anything arranged yet so I'll see if he messages over the weekend. He was at a work leaving do yesterday so it might be a while before he reappears!

Morning all.

rick glad to hear the date went well 😉

sunshine hope you have a fab day out today.

JeSuis he messaged last night asking to see me this evening. Hes doing something this afternoon so is going to check timings and then we'll sort something for later. Cant wait to see him again 😊 Glad everything still going well for you and MrC ☺️

Haven't caught up properly but thanks for the well wishes...I'm on the train now to meet MrAd for our London date.
@JeSuisPrest he is a caring soul and it's taking some getting used to as I'm just not used to it. I'm enjoying the journey though 😊
@RickDeckard Great news on your date!

I forgot about Strictly! I'll be home by then...won't I?!

Sunshine think it might be catch up tv for strictly!

Never and jesuis have lovely days!

Rick that sounds wonderful!

I however spent the entire night talking to Mrcomplicated (nee HFuck) he’s actually very straight up, but I just still click with him so easily. Not happening though, he made that clear weeks ago when he ended it.

Had a terrible day yesterday with a friend playing mind games but managed to not sabotage all my irons which I usually do when I’m in the bad place!

MrEP is working hard, hasn’t come back with when we can meet, but still messaging so I need to just see how it plays out not worry about it. MrRugby is still as lovely as always and I do think I want to organise date 2.

And oddly after thinking about him last night my Irish iron Mrnottotallysureheisntmarried has messaged this morning after 2 weeks of silence.

I however after yesterday’s shit day am in avoidance mode, have avoided going online on WA, ignored all of my good morning messages and am going to switch my phone off and focus on the kids for the day.

Hope nobody gets annoyed but I need to 🤷🏻‍♀️ might cave at some point.