If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

Yet, if I say I’m not surprised many fail, it’s considered bad form.

Of course most attempts to reconcile fail. Literally everyone agrees with you.

@welliesarefuntowear I haven’t made a decision to go or stay yet. I have agreed to go to couples counselling (although I’m reluctant) and I have decided that it will take me a long time to feel better or get over it so I’m not going to pressure myself to decide. I’m waiting to find out how i’ll feel.
DH is making the right noises but I don’t trust him, forgive him or even like him very much. I’m prepared to give him s chance at the moment.
The pain never goes away. Some days are better than others. Sometimes it just hits me that he actually drove her to my house in her car so she could spend the night with him in my bed and I just want to die.
On the other hand why should I lose my house etc. because of OW?
It’s all a mess. I kind of feel he can never apologise enough so I’ll probably end up leaving eventually.

SO21, I only talk about it here when I see women that have been getting the almost identical flannel I got from my ex. We all kinda think our own stories are unique, I think, and finding out it's not, is a good thing on the whole.

Day to day I don't think of him or what happened. I'm happy and the pain went with him.

Norabloom Take as long as you like to decide. Your dh must give you the room to deal with the trauma. Even when he thinks you are 'over it' you could burst into tears, scream at him or withdraw at any point. I can understand why you are in so much pain.

Seems the conclusion is that staying together or breaking hard are both hard (though can lead to positive changes), and you'll probably have the affair on your mind for years, whether you stay or go.

I'm on here talking about it as I don't have any experience of e.g. domestic abuse so don't discuss that subject. And I do still find the forum useful to sort my thoughts out. IRL I don't think about it much, 5 years on. Out of sight, out of mind. But, for example, my bf was away for 2 weeks and it crossed my mind that he could be sleeping with other women. That wouldn't have occurred to me at all previously. It's not that I don't trust him in particular; I just don't trust anyone that much any more.

@Norabloom , than k you for your response. Your story helped me to rationalise my own thoughts on my situation so I'm grateful to you. There are no,winners in this situation are there, whether you stay or go. My brother died in a car accident 20 years ago. My mum died suddenly in January. The trauma of this is equal. Even if I make him understand, will it make any difference? Probably not.

"It's taken a decade, literally that long. It broke me at first. For years, I was just broken. I remember finding myself curled against the back door, sobs and noises just coming out of me. I had to retrain myself not to think about it. Literally physically made me ill, forcing and forcing and forcing myself not to think about it. I was drunk, a lot. That helped blank it out. Not a healthy way at all, obviously. I was messed up.

The pain still stabs at me sometimes out of nowhere"

This. It has taken me over 10 years. He is now on his 4th soulmate. She does his admin for him. I really can see now that we were all just flying monkeys.

@welliesarefuntowear I guess there could be winners - if you stayed and the relationship was better than before (I can’t see a way to achieve that but other people on here have done it so it’s possible), or if you leave and your life turns out better without DH.
I suspect we just have to get through this pain. Might take months might take years. As I said at the moment I’m dealing with the pain with drugs and alcohol and counselling- not healthy but I can’t do otherwise.

Absolutely take the drugs and alcohol, plenty of time.. let it all sink in and then decide what you want! Me.. nearly two years on 🤔 I'm planning the best way to get outa this sham. No one does this to my head and gets away with it! Hugs xx

Oh and the relationship is apparently stronger if you speak to my husband.. to me it's all fecking lies and I hate it

@thepinkp I agree that it’s all lies and sham. My DH is now saying he would be devastated if I left him but I can’t believe anything he says.

I have a counselling session tomorrow. Where do I even start?

Re believing what our dhs’ tell us - in short, I don’t :(. Prior to all this, I would’ve staked my life on him being a truthful sort.

I just feel like a completely different person and I don’t want to be.

I think discovering infidelity is not just the fact that they’ve cheated its the shock that they are not who you thought they were. I remember the end of my marriage as being like a bereavement - exh ended marriage abruptly and that was that. I was grief stricken as he became someone else. A stranger who did something i thought he’d never do ie cheat. BUT i survived and so will you OP. It’s made me self reliant and i’m better for it. It takes time but counselling helped me lots and it will for you. Take your time say what you feel and of you dont gel with the counsellor find another. You have to be kind to yourself your hurting and you need to heal .

The counselling is really helpful because they help you think about you - not just the marriage.
I feel so depleted and awful and with no self esteem. That has to be built up again totally independent of your husband. The therapist will help with that.
Think about yourself OP. You haven’t caused any of this shit. You need to feel better. 🌹

@beenwhereyouare WOW that told her 😐 I have to agree though.. you cheated then got cheated on, karma! As someone who knows the pain and head fck it causes I absolutely couldn't never do this to someone let alone the love of your life!! Hope your OK @Eggid* 💐

Don’t feel like the counselling was very helpful - found it hard to open up. I know I haven’t done anything wrong but I feel like such a fool. So completely stupid :(.

Dh seems to be going on with his life as if nothing has changed. Me - I feel like I’m just going through the motions. He speaks very openly when I question him but I just look at him now and wonder if I can believe a single word he says. All these years together and I never knew what a good liar he was :(.

Sometimes it takes a while with counselling Eggid and although you don’t feel it’s doing any good at the time, when you look back you can see it has. You are not a fool and the counsellor will have heard it all before 💐

He should not be going about his life as if nothing has changed though! What’s going on there? He should be devastated and jumping through hoops x

Counselling does take a while, but also see how well you get on with the counsellor, and if you don't feel happy then get another one.
What do you feel stupid about?

I didn't. I posted a thread on the AMA board about it if you want more info. It's taken a lot of work from him and some from me to move us through it. We are probably stronger than we've ever been now.

We are younger and the affair was 6 months and emotionally involved but it causes as much devastation.

I urge you to direct him to look at affairrecovery.com and you letterstomyhusbandsaffair.wordpress.com for where to start.

Counselling for both of you separate and together is important.

Please dont feel stupid you aren’t - you just didnt know what was going on on his mind and what he was doing. Persevere with the counselling sometimes it takes time to relax into it. You’re probably not used to thinking about yourself .. you must think about you !

That feeling of "I'm stupid" is you trying to make sense of all the lies. Of course you're not stupid. This is a massive thing to try and take in. That this man that you have spent your whole life with has lied to you and betrayed you in every way. I just want to say, don't ever think this was your fault. You did not deserve this. It's all on him. And it took me a while to get here, but the other woman is irrelevant. Don't waste too much time obsessing about her although it might be something you need to get out of your system. I have every respect for you trying to work through this but everything has to be on your terms in order to regain the trust. He has to understand the damage done. He cannot pretend this is just something that you have to get over. It's changed everything for the rest of your life.

Do you think him being open and calm with you is him being genuinely remorseful or him trying to control the situation and to come back on his terms? It's almost like he's read the instructions on how to repair your relationship without feeling any pain caused.

I don't think I would give up on such a long marriage and all my memories for this.
It will get better. Maybe it was one last fling in the fading days of the summer of his life.
But only you can decide.
I wouldn't leave for that one ting.
I have friends who have forgiven and gone on to live long happy lives together.
But he has to understand that everything has changed now and that's down to him and healing will take a long time.
Have you considered counselling before making any life changing decisions?

Op, it may take a good few weeks of counselling before you have an epiphany. And sometimes is not a comforting epiphany, in my case was a clear decision that I needed to leave no matter what.

What do you want OP, whether you stay or go, your life will not be the same. This is about learning to trust a person you thought you knew but no longer trust. Can you do it? Is it worth it? What do you get out of it? What’s in it for you?

If it is just about keeping appearances or fear of being poor(er) after the split, please be re assured that being a divorced person it is not as bad people believes.