If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

ravenmum I presume you were referring to my post. I like the illustration you used.

@Faith50 yes - that's the problem for me. Telling myself that we were together for 20 years and he was only shagging another woman and slaggin me off to her for a year and a half before I got evidence of it did not put things in perspective 😂

magicpaintbrush I agree that the wayward spouse cannot comprehend the pain they have caused. They see and hear your pain on a daily basis but they do not know how it physically feels to have your heart ripped out and as though you have been punched in the gut. If they are truly remorseful, their pain is having to look into your eyes, wondering if you are thinking about it even when you do not mention it, not knowing if you stayed for the right reasons, living with themselves, their guilt, shame, worthlessness.

ravenmum I understand. Slagging you off whilst cheating was in very poor taste.

I left my XH because, despite there being no infidelity, I didn’t like the way he treated me. It should have been far harder to leave him than DH because I had a small child, we had debt and I had nowhere to go. Although obviously, I was a lot younger.
However, I stayed with DH after his affair despite the fact I could afford to leave and our DCs were late teens. In over 20 years, it was the only bad thing he’d done and I felt we deserved another chance.

Infidelity is abuse. I really wish people called intimate betrayal for what it is.

NOTHING will ever traumatise me as much as having my innocence, trust and belief in being a lovable person blown up in my face. Everything I valued and had invested in, taken away like that. Nothing, and I have had quite a roller coaster life.

However irrational on one level I know it is, I feel dirty, ugly and completely unattractive, I must be for someone to treat me this way.

Screaminglady The first few months after discovering the kiss I felt worthless and questioned over and over what was it I did not have that she had. As it stands the ow is not as attractive or as polished as me but I still compared myself to her initially. She made it known she liked dh and he fell. He needed to feel wanted and at that time I did not fulfil this need. Bad behaviour but it highlighted just how weak and vulnerable he was. The ow could have been anyone at the time - I know this now after stupidly seeing her as 'special'. I rarely think of her now. She is not part of the equation.

Someone mentioned a person's childhood shapes their ability to cheat. Dh was not shown any physical affection as a child at all from his parents. He has always been over affectionate - wanting to hold and touch me. It used to irritate me and he took it as rejection.

Screaminglady I go through times of feeling worthless and ugly as well. ‘my’ OW is not as pretty as me but she is tall and thin (I’m a curvy size 12) and for a while I couldn’t eat thinking I had to be thinner than her (crazy I know).
DH days she made him feel great because she paid him a lot of attention, seemed to really like him, listened to all his woes and showed him a lot of affection. He said she was always cheerful and smiling.
Unlike me - who was doing a demanding job including travelling, overseeing the house renovations and being treated for breast cancer.
I read somewhere that a mans attraction to the OW is not about that person so much, it’s about how the OW made them feel. So basically it’s about flattery and attention.

my life would be completely empty without him.

So sorry you are facing this.

If you have never really known an adult life without him, it must be very difficult to imagine surviving without him. The right councillor (try a few to find one with whom you gel) may be just the thing to help you make a real choice of how your life is going to be from now on.

Some counselling to work out what you want from your life might be really helpful.

he thinks that, because he’s dropped her, I should infer that I am indeed good enough and that he chose me.

He may even think that you have therefore won some sort of prize. For this alone, I would be inclined to say goodbye. I think saying thanks but no thanks would help my self esteem more that taking him back after all. There is no need to rush any decision focus on yourself and get yourself into a position that that financially and emotionally you could leave. Then you would be in a position to decide what to do.

On another point...

The male of the couple was a cheat, and another character was talking about how the woman stayed with him - because even though she was apparently very glamorous, the sad fact was (according to this other character) that women of that age had few options

Please, please find some better books to read. Especially when you are at a low ebb, that sort of nonsense will get into your brain and be there at the back of your mind

There is lots of glorious literature around , make it a point t to only read 'mighty girl' stuff.

Norabloom You have hit it on the nail. It has very little to do with ow appearance wise and a lot to do with the need they are meeting at that time. If the ow is generally attracted to dh it stands to reason she would present well; good listener, singing his praises, always smiling and laughing. Being married to someone you see every side of them. A colleague at work or mutual friend can show you as much or little as they want.

ScreamingLadySutch 💐
That’s so sad and awful that you feel like that. His affair is not a reflection on you, it’s all about him. I also don’t believe it’s a necessarily a reflection on the relationship, ours was good and DH admits it.

Faith50 - I find that time balance of length of marriage vs affair ludicrous - where is the logical conclusion ? to leave when it tips to 51% cheating to 49% faithful?

It assumes that all married years are the same - it doesn’t acknowledge or count the years and years of pain afterwards - or potentially the detachment and plotting before.

The cheater is always in the better place coming out of this probably enriched by the affair.

They have had a thrilling time throughout the affair, must have massive confidence and a sense of entitlement to start it, then their ego and sexuality boosted by their AP and when they get caught they don’t have the pain thats their world was not reality - they haven’t been broken and shattered.

All they have to do is a “there, there” to the wife which must be easy when you have all of this credit built up from the affair in the emotional bank - with zero consequences - and they still have their own flashbacks to the affair to maintain their ecstasy and fantasy when the wife becomes emotionally draining.

Here's a lovely cup of tea. It is 99% tea and just 1% faeces

How true ravenmum.

*He needed to feel wanted and at that time I did not fulfil this need. Bad behaviour but it highlighted just how weak and vulnerable he was. The ow could have been anyone at the time - I know this now after stupidly seeing her as 'special'. I rarely think of her now. She is not part of the equation.

Someone mentioned a person's childhood shapes their ability to cheat. Dh was not shown any physical affection as a child at all from his parents. He has always been over affectionate - wanting to hold and touch me. It used to irritate me and he took it as rejection.*

"You didn't pay me enough attention" and "my childhood issues, boo boo" .

Wow, he didn't stray far from the script, did he. Suppose they don't when it works do well.

*boo hoo rather (or wah waah) or whatever toddler crying noise is most appropriate.

well said ClareIsland

You're only 50. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

If you hadn't found out he'd still be fucking her.

Is he sorry for the affair....or just sorry you found out?

The cheater is always in the better place coming out of this probably enriched by the affair. etc

I don’t believe this is true for one moment.
Many affair partners are filled with pain and remorse at what they have done. Ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed in themselves and full of regret.

I’m not surprised so many couples fail to get through this judging by some of the comments on here

The thing is ( and although I've not been able to put into words very well so far)
I genuinely feel that 99.9 percent of men are just sorry they got caught!
Not for the pain or anguish caused but because they were found out!
I can honestly that is my opinion

fail to get through this

Hang on @S021, referring to a failure to get through it seems to me to suggest that there is some merit in doing so. Why would there be?

The failure in my eyes is the inability to keep to the marriage vows. Once these have been broken, surely all bets are off.

Gilbert No I guess not. Dh is not proud of what he did. He said he feels ashamed and unworthy of me and DC. His shame exists whether I discuss the issue or not, whether I am smiling or not. He knows I do not look at him in the same way and I am far more focused on my happiness and joy.

I think the thing is that the idea it must be a crap marriage or they don’t love you is a total fallacy in plenty of cases. In many cases where they aren’t actually out there ‘seeking others’ it’s pure opportunity and they don’t think they will get caught and simply getting totally carried away away with the ego boost etc. However whilst some can get past it there are many factors involved I think , not least the personalities involved and their ability to move on or chew stuff over for years on the betrayed persons side and the ability to show remorse, empathise , accept their partner might not feel the same about them, accept they may not feel like sex etc and certainly won’t trust them for a long while on the betrayers side. It’s one thing to forgive to some extent, it’s another thing to still feel 100% about them .

*The cheater is always in the better place coming out of this probably enriched by the affair. etc

I don’t believe this is true for one moment.
Many affair partners are filled with pain and remorse at what they have done. Ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed in themselves and full of regret.*

S041 - I agree some cheaters feel shame, embarrassment, disappointment and regret.
But they may well mild and transient feelings and they are often mostly about their own ego.

Before D-day of course they were way more emotionally bolstered than the wife.

I haven’t seen any evidence or ever heard from a woman that her cheater was emotionally obliterated for years - that they ended up screaming, sobbing, curled up in the floor, were suicidal, insomniac, ptsd, depression on ADs.

It’s very disingenuous to suggest that the uncomfortable squirming feelings of the cheater are in any way compatible to the deep lasting trauma inflicted on the wife.