If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

[EvenPhilip]

Your last post makes me wince and I think that living with questions, doubt and lack of trust is not the way to spend the latter part of your life.

[Eggid]

Mylife I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. You sound very strong. I’d like to think that I too would’ve chucked him out if he hadn’t have been remorseful. But he is - or claims to be. Of course, the prospect of everyone knowing and of having to live in a rented room might be fuelling his remorse. I simply don’t know what to believe any more.

[category12]

Personally I found not being able to trust him and that I felt he had shat on everything we had that was good just ate away at me. Ashes in my mouth.

I stayed with him the first time. Now I don't know if I could have ever recovered from what he did, because my ex kept letting me down - maybe it's possible if he's capable of being faithful.

I would also be concerned as pp said that this isn't the first time. I mean, 16 months of lies..

[Eggid]

Mylife sorry to be insensitive but what is your thread titled?

[Justmuddlingalong]

No one can tell you to stay or leave. However, I think working on it for the past 10 months, is a fair crack of the whip. What will happen in the future to change how you feel? If you stay, make it be because you love, trust and like him. Staying together out of fear of the unknown is not the reason. 💐

[SongforSal]

No one will like this answer. But I would sleep with another man. And tell him. Let him feel the weight of that pain after such a long marriage.

OK, not a healthy suggestion. But a lesson for him that you can take control of your life on a whim to.

[Wineiscooling]

My husband had an affair lasting a few weeks whilst working abroad. It devastated me. I tried to work through it but 4 years on our relationship is not the same and I view him very differently. I wish I'd left 4 years a go. I don't know why I didn't other than we had very young children and I thought I was doing the right thing by them.
There is no shame in trying at your marriage if that's what you want to do but prepare for a very rocky few years ahead. I recommend counselling together, that will help you both have horrible conversations in a controlled way. Ultimately, many people will tell you to "leave the bastard" but you can only do that when and if you're ready. Life isn't black and white. Maybe you will work through this. I wish you luck

[Eggid]

category I’m sorry you’ve been through it too. I’m sorry for everyone who has, it’s likd the foundations of your life crumbling and you don’t know which bits are safe to cling on to.

I thought he’d always be faithful. And if I had have had any suspicions, I didn’t think he’d have had any opportunities. But he found them just the same.

And as a pp has mentioned, if I hadn’t have found the texts would they still be seeing each other?

[NotStayingIn]

I’m so sorry OP this must be so hard.

Re Can I really go on to have a better life though

I think if you compare a new life or even a new relationship with what you had then it will be very hard to imagine anything better. Which is why it hadn’t been your choice to end what you had.

But the sad truth is what you had is gone and you will never get it back. Or at least not the same how it used to be. So you need to decide whether you can envisage a better life then what you are now left with.

I would leave as I truly believe being single would be better then living with someone who hurt and betrayed me this badly. But only you can decide.

[Kiddofreddo80]

You deserve so much better. I’d have kicked him out months ago. It was more than just a one night mistake

[Eggid]

Sal I don’t think I could do that . Without wanting to sound crass I’ve had several opportunities over the years, and never once was I tempted.

It’s so shit. This time last year my life was my life. Now - I don’t know where I am or who I am or who I’m married too or what it’s all been about. I know that sounds melodramatic and I’m sorry :(

[81Byerley]

I didn't chuck my husband out, didn't tell anyone, and it was hell. After a year we separated and within a few months he married her. It wasn't a happy marriage and now he's remarried. I remarried aged 55, and could not be happier. It isn't too late for you, and I can tell you falling in love in later years is wonderful! My regret is that one year when we struggled on. Not one minute of it was happy for either of us.

[Nanamilly]

Let him feel the weight of that pain after such a long marriage.

What makes you think he would care?

[SunshineCake]

No one truly knows what they would do when faced with this situation until they are. It is always going to be different dependant on if you have children or not, how long you have been together, how long the affair was, if they confessed or were found out, etc.

[Eggid]

Re counselling - this is probably a good idea, just for me at first though, I haven’t really been able to tell anyone all the details. Partly because I don’t want anything getting back to our dc yet, and partly because I just don’t have the energy to dissect it all right now. I have told one friend a lot of stuff though and she’s probably the only reason I’m still able to get out of bed every day :(. In fact, she was the person to suggest seeking advice from here. And I’m so glad she did - I’m grateful for all your thoughts.

[Rubicon80]

@Eggid Mid-50s is hardly old. You could have as many years ahead of you as you've been married.

The truth is that you really have no idea how many people he's cheated with. It's unlikely that this is the only one.

You say you loved him from the day you met - you didn't know him on the day you met him, and you don't really know him now.

Yes, there is a better life possible than this one, which is half in shadow and clouded by mistrust.

[Nanamilly]

Now - I don’t know where I am or who I am

There are many women here who've gone on to great happiness after they've ended decades long marriages well into their 50's due to a partners infidelity. Im one of them and I well understand what you've said above. Six years on Im very happy, Im not interested in meeting anyone else, and Ive made a lovely life for myself. More than that though I know where I am and who I am. I decided to end my marriage after realising I'd led most of my life and it was up to me to make my middle age and old age as good it can be. There more than likely wasnt enough years left to get over what had gone on and there was absolutely no way I was giving my husband the chance to hurt me again. Would I have made the same decision when I was in my 30's etc? Who knows. Id have still had many years to recover from things but at this age my remaining years were going to be for me and my children to be happy.

[Faith50]

I am so sorry

16 months is a long affair. I presume it was physical and emotional. 40 years is a long marriage.

Did your dh confess?

Until you find yourself in a situation, you cannot be totally sure of what action you would take. Infidelity is painful and causes incredible damage.

I recall wanting to die when I found out dh got close to colleague. Sex was not involved but it still killed me.

[Eggid]

Rubicon - so true about not knowing him now. I thought we had grown up together. I thought I knew every single microscopic part of him, I thought I knew him inside out. I thought I was his reason to be, as he is/was mine. Turns out I was wrong.

[Eggid]

nana that’s a very inspiring post - thank you.

Faith he only confessed because I saw texts. I spent about 4 days/nights solid digging and digging via bank statements, his phone and all the info on it (eg, WhatsApp, Maps, Pinterest etc). I’m still not sure I know everything. Yes it was physical.

[BobbyPuck]

Wow. FORTY years?! I'm so sorry OP

[AnnonniMoose]

I agree with @LochJessMonster.

If you hadn't discovered it no doubt it would still be going on. He's betrayed your trust and made a mockery of your marriage. 16 Months is a long affair conducted with careful planning if you didn't even have a clue.

I work on one principle in any relationship: if he does it once and you forgive him, he'll probably do it again as he will think he'll be forgiven again. I couldn't stay with a man who betrayed me like that.

[Faith50]

Eggid I would struggle to forgive an affair that went on for 16 months but it does not mean I would not try. 16 months of deceit, secret texting, meeting, planning to meet, sleeping together is low.

If you had not investigated, the affair would still be going on. Can you live with knowing this?

[Oct18mummy]

Sorry you are going through this and after such a long time together. I have nothing to add timber previous pp haven’t already said but I think you should try counselling there must be so much stuff you both need to speak about in order to move forward properly.

Are you able to do something nice for you? A weekend away or time with friends. It sounds like you need some rest, space and relaxation after all of this shock news x

[Eggid]

Faith I really don’t know, I change my mind daily - sometimes hourly.

There have been pockets of “good” in the last ten months. Eg, we went away for a week and it was good, really good. I came home feeling optimistic. Then I remembered our holiday last year which was also really good - and from which he was texting her (unbeknownst to me at the time of course).

We’ve been trying to do more as well, things like going out for a drink or to eat just because, ie not for any particular reason. And I’ve enjoyed myself. Until I remember he did the same with her. I don’t even let myself think about the sex between them if I can help it because the pain is too much,