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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

428 replies

Eggid · 04/09/2019 18:59

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 13/09/2019 18:35

*comparable

S021 · 13/09/2019 18:56

I believe there is often merit in getting through it. It takes strength and understanding.

Obviously, the hurt of the person who cheated isn’t comparable but to suggest they’re untouched negatively is very naive.

S021 · 13/09/2019 19:00

I can obviously only comment on my own marriage and situation though.

CIareIsland · 13/09/2019 19:19

I never said that they were untouched negatively after being caught and I am not naive.

I did say that pre D-day they are more emotionally bolstered by their affair than the wife and that they have all of this emotional credit at their disposal to neutralise their shame, regret etc around the fall out.

S021 · 13/09/2019 21:42

All they have to do is a “there, there” to the wife which must be easy when you have all of this credit built up from the affair in the emotional bank - with zero consequences - and they still have their own flashbacks to the affair to maintain their ecstasy and fantasy when the wife becomes emotionally draining

Yeah right

CIareIsland · 13/09/2019 21:46

Is that an uncomfortable possibility for you S0?

S021 · 13/09/2019 21:51

Absolutely not.

It does indicate that you do believe they’re untouched negatively though.

Norabloom · 13/09/2019 21:52

I think the person who had the affair may be remorseful, sorry, anxious to make amends - all that - but it may not be enough.
I’m pretty sure my DH is very sorry but I dont know If I can overlook this shit.
When the chips were down he chose OW. That’s his burden.

S021 · 13/09/2019 21:52

It’s also extremely insulting to those who have decided to stay and work through it.

Yet, if I say I’m not surprised many fail, it’s considered bad form

category12 · 13/09/2019 21:58

It's difficult, isn't it? When you say "it takes strength and understanding" to work through and stay, it's easy to take that as criticism of those who don't decide to stay or who try and find it's not worth the candle.

S021 · 13/09/2019 22:05

It takes strength and understanding to leave or stay.
However, posts saying they only have to say ‘there there’ to the wife are insulting. As are the ridiculous ‘boo hoo’ comments by GilbertMarkham.

Many, many people in life are devastated by bad decisions they’ve made and the consequences.

Norabloom · 13/09/2019 22:23

Whether you stay or go it’s tough.
I have nothing but admiration for women who stay. I only hope I can be that strong.

category12 · 13/09/2019 22:27

I'm not sure what the pay-off is. Stick it out for what?

S021 · 13/09/2019 23:26

Assuming you’ve been in this situation category12, I think if you’re having to ask that question, then you probably made the right decision to break up.

category12 · 13/09/2019 23:32

In retrospect, yes. At the time, it seemed worth it. It's a bit of the sunk costs fallacy perhaps. Having stuck it out for several years, the relief of not was a bit of a surprise.

welliesarefuntowear · 14/09/2019 06:32

@Norabloom I hope you don't mind me asking, have you decided to stay? I can remember reading your thread. I've been on a rollercoaster since my dp has come back. I found your thread helpful, I could see many parallels to my own situation.

YouJustDoYou · 14/09/2019 07:09

I think a lot of it completely depends on the one who had the affair - how prepared are THEY to making this work out? How dedicated are THEY to proving themselves for the rest of your lives together? It CAN be done. In 10 years, dh has never once changed back, or slipped up, has always let me rant if I need, never told me to stop talking about it...etc etc. Does he understand how long the healing process takes? Does he realise that for you this is no simple thing of just sweeping everything under the mat? You may be asking him questions for years to come, and if you find out he's tried to lie about ANYTHING, how much of a deal breaker that can be for you? Is he prepared to understand you may be suspicious of any, ANY, female friendship he ever has, ever again?

It can be a very slow, long road....but it is possible. But it depends on HIM. His willingness to support you, be there for you, not tell you to "forget it", or "you need to move on". He needs to understand what this has done to YOU - and that it is not about him.

welliesarefuntowear · 14/09/2019 07:42

@Norabloom I've just found your post earlier in the thread. Again I feel exactly the same. Just taking it day by day.

I have found this thread so helpful. My DP had an affair that was with a woman he'd known from a long time ago. I could see the change in him the minute I realised she was in contact with him. He was clearly planning on leaving but i found out he'd opened a joint bank account with her. So he'd been forced to go by me before he was ready. He came back and it's been difficult. He knows I'm struggling to forgive him. I'll never forget this. He utterly regrets his actions but it's been tinged with a certain amount of feelings by him that I drove him to it. His admittance just this week that this is utter bollocks is the only reason he's still here.

TheStuffedPenguin · 14/09/2019 08:02

In 10 years, dh has never once changed back, or slipped up, has always let me rant if I need, never told me to stop talking about it...etc etc.

For me this would not be the way I would want to live . Years more of it Sad

Nononoandno · 14/09/2019 08:09

So Sorry op you are going through this it’s utterly shit.

My husband had an affair (telling text mesg) we had been together 15 years and had a six month old. We stayed together for four years before I called time, he didn’t try in my eyes, I didn’t trust him and the resentment and lack of trust broke my spirit to the point I felt nothing for him or anyone, to me it felt like because we had stayed together he just carried on with day to day life like nothing had happened and I was carrying so much pain and waiting for it to happen again, it was me that was left suffering. I called time after 4 years..... the irony is he blames me to this day for destroying his “family” and he quickly moved on to his next victim. I’ve stayed single and ten years have passed but then I have been working hard to keep a roof/raise child on my own. Would I wind back time and change my mind? No it was killing me slowly being true to myself was what got me through it, but you don’t go from unhappy to happy after you leave/call time..... but it’s calm, peaceful and no longer carrying the pain and waiting for it to happen again and happiness for me has been fulfilled in my friendships and family and it feels like it’s enough, someone once said to me for a marriage to work after an affair it has to be better than before and it very rarely is.
Good luck op take the time to decide and you will find your answers xx

Nononoandno · 14/09/2019 08:18

The stuffed penguin I agree completely!
The innocent party is the one that carries the pain day I day out and suffers relentlessly and it never goes away.

Winterlife · 14/09/2019 08:32

OP, I haven’t read all the posts in this thread, but have you sought counselling to sort through your feelings?

CIareIsland · 14/09/2019 08:41

Nonon yes this is v true - and on top of this the cheater has until D-day been having having his both cock and ego stroked in the glorious bubble of an affair for many months or maybe years, so therefore comes to the healing process with significantly more emotional collateral at their disposal.

YouJustDoYou I totally agree any chance of the marriage surviving depends 100% on how the cheater chooses to behave after D-day - ie how much they choose to actively dedicate their enhanced emotional collateral to healing the deep emotional injury they have caused their wife.

S021 · 14/09/2019 09:05

My DH has been similar to YouJustDoYous

Just because he’s prepared to not dismiss it years later does not mean that’s how we’re living ours lives - it’s not years more of it.
Those of you who made a different decision are still talking about it. It never goes away either way. I still cry at times and talk to DH about losing my Dad 15 years ago but it doesn’t dominate my life.

TheStuffedPenguin · 14/09/2019 09:54

Well we are talking about it as this thread is what it's all about ! However in my new life I never think about him - other than the fact that he did me the best favour ever .

There is no need to defend your choice SO21 if you are happy with it . I did it for 4 years after but it was a miserable life - even simple things like getting a birthday card or whatever to "My H" - the words stick in your throat .

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