If you found out your dh had had an affair for 16 months would you ...

[Eggid]

Throw him out? Even if he’s all you’ve ever known and you’ve been together for nearly 40 years? Even if he’s spent the 10 months since you found out doing all in his power to put things right?

Some days I want to kill myself. Some days I want to kill him. Most days I just don’t know what to do.

Please tell me what you would do given that we’ve been together since we were teenagers. Dc are all grown up and gone, and they don’t know anything.

Thank you.

zoflora I think your point about having to care for a sick man when that man showed zero care for you is spot on. It was certainly a key factor in me letting my XH go, plus I knew that if the roles were reversed he would not look after me effectively.

My friend who has kept her cheating DH made that same point to me - but her angle is that she will delight in enjoying watching him suffer 😱. I understand her sadness and bitterness but I so want her to cut herself loose from him and not live out her life punishing him. It’s so so negative. But the die is cast now I’m afraid.

I’m sure I could arrange care for DH if necessary. I certainly won’t be doing it myself whatever happens. The day he decided time with OW was more important than supporting me through breast cancer means I don’t owe him any care ever.

I agree cassettes what happens if YOU become frail or ill - to be powerless, trapped and suffering whilst being physically and emotionally neglected/abused (yet again) by someone you sacrificed your life for doesn’t bare think about.

OP, I'm 10 years on from finding out. I never, ever thought he would betray me like that. I adored him - down to his bones, we'd been together since I was 19, I was as loyal as anyone could be to their partner. But for pretty simple reasons he ended up cheating for a couple of years - maybe more. I will never know the full truth of it. None of us will ever know the full truth of what went on.

It was horrific, the aftermath years. He did everything he could to "make it up" to me; bought self help books to "find out why" he cheated (it was pretty obvious the ego boost and sex were an addiction for him, but whatever), gave me all passwords, bla h blah blah. I had horrifc nightmares about it for the next 7 or 8 YEARS - I would wake up shaking and crying. It 's faded recently, but a decade down the line, you never quite ever trust them the same. Everything changes. You change. They are not who you though they were - they are now proven dishonest, disgusting, vile liars. They lie, easily - and well. So, you will never know, for the rest of your lives together, what is real and what isn't.

I agree with pp - I became the kind of woman who just looked at him and thought, "do what you fucking want. Because, you;ve scarred me so deeply, I now feel numb about you. Do what you want - I just don;t care the same anymore". The betrayal is so awful, so horrific, so utterly lifechanging, that the scars that form can never be healed.

Do I wish I'd left? I honestly couldn;t leave him at the time,for financial/work reasons. In one way, I'm glad I stayed, because it got me my beloved children. They are my world. They are all I care about. But it's obviously different for you as yours are grown. Had "d"h done it to me after the kids had grown...yes. I would've left. And never looked back. I also would've never trusted any man ever again - I;ve seen it happen too many times, to too many of my female friends and relatives. It may be an "irrational" feeling, but I would never, ever enter a relationship with one again because I honestly feel they have their normal, every day persona, and then there's the dark hidden side, the ego, lust side of a man that is just an absolute Hyde to the Jekl of the side they show friends/family etc.

If you can afford to leave (financially), leave. Do not waste another precious minute of your life with a cheater.

I became the kind of woman who just looked at him and thought, "do what you fucking want. Because, you;ve scarred me so deeply, I now feel numb about you. Do what you want - I just don;t care the same anymore". The betrayal is so awful, so horrific, so utterly lifechanging, that the scars that form can never be healed.

#truth

@YouJustDoYou that was such a good post thank you for sharing. I can't imagine someone cheating on me for such a long period of time, but I did take back a serial cheater several times. I should have walked the first time. Apart from the trust issue, I 'm worth more and letting him do that to me even once and getting away with it, just gives licence to it happening again (which it did). I don't have kids with mine, but I still can't see how you could get back what you had. ever.

Youjustdoyou Discovering your dh has been sleeping with other women for two years is enough to send any women mad. I commend you for your strength and the fact that you are still with him. I hope he appreciates this.

My dh snogged a woman and on discovery I wanted to die. Dh broke down and confessed. On other threads I mentioned thoughts of suicide came upon me for the first month after discovery. I felt physical pain and nausea. Both left after a few months. Though it was not sex it was still a betrayal and I considered leaving dh. I am glad I chose not to. After a year we are very good, better than before. Pain is no longer associated with the odd thought I get.

I do not know if I could cope staying with dh if he slept with another woman. The images would consume me. How do/did you fight back images of them dtd?

I think some women are more upset about the fact they were focusing on someone else, texting, etc. Personally I would have found a one night stand much easier to cope with than what I got, which was finding a pile of heartfelt songs/poems all about someone else, but maybe that’s just me

"How do/did you fight back images of them dtd"

It's taken a decade, literally that long. It broke me at first. For years, I was just broken. I remember finding myself curled against the back door, sobs and noises just coming out of me. I had to retrain myself not to think about it. Literally physically made me ill, forcing and forcing and forcing myself not to think about it. I was drunk, a lot. That helped blank it out. Not a healthy way at all, obviously. I was messed up.

The pain still stabs at me sometimes out of nowhere if I even so much as see a tiny amount of sexual stuff on tv - I haven't been able to watch a man and a woman even kissing since that day I found out for sure ten years ago. It just reminds me of him kissing them etc. Let alone porn - there's no way I could even see two people having sex.

I stayed with my, now ex dh, for 3 years following me finding out about his affair. It ruined the relationship, because it continued over a year every occasions brought back memories and was ruined, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas (the list goes on), every time we hit a ‘date’ I’d be consumed by ‘he was with the OW last Valentine’s Day, what did they do/say’ it was awful. I should have left straight away, i simply couldn’t get past it.

user147 Knowing your dh had deep feelings for ow is hard to bare. Most men would have no problems sleeping with someone they feel nothing for. It meets a physical need. Feelings brings it to a whole new level.

Youjustdoyou Just how you got through that pain I do not know. I actually pictured you rolled up in a ball - bloody awful place to be in. I completely understand you using alcohol as a crutch. It helped to push the disgusting images further back.

I avoid watching kissing and tend to make an excuse to leave the room. I have no problem watching couples holding hands, foreplay and full on sex in films as dh did not do either with ow.

I think that it is possible,to forgive a partner who has cheated,and broken all the vows so to speak. They did wrong and have caused misery and upset. I can see from reading on here,that most women would not be forgiving for a person cheating though.

I think that when I was much younger,I would have not forgiven a lot of things, but now being an oldie,I see things differently, and just how much you stand to lose if you just dismiss a person,after being together for a long time.

If a person has been found out as a cheat in the marriage,it doesn't mean they will do the same thing again,as people say they will. But it's in a persons heart,and mind,what they will do about this situation now.

Whoknew that’s precisely how I feel - every day I’m doing the whole “this time last year he was cheating. Was it a day he saw her? What were they saying to each other?”

Youjustdo I am full of admiration for your staying power, especially in the face of such pain. I too am drinking more than I ever used to, and I too feel the pain as an actual physical pain. I feel sick nearly every day, and often get pierced by stabbing pains when an unwelcome thought enters my head.

The pain is awful. Literally unbearable.

1forall74 I think you are very sensible. It’s not always possible - or the best thing - to walk away especially after many years.
I am sure my DH wouldn’t cheat again but my problem is that a part of me now hates him for what he did and I don’t know if I can live with someone I hate or have hated.

Eggid Do you feel the physical pain daily? Do you still think about it often? You have been traumatised and are drinking to get through the day. It is an awful way to live your life and so unfair especially after a year in

Eggid having stayed after the first time and decided to leave when he was in contact again I can say the dates get better after you decide to leave. So for example the first wedding anniversary after DDay 2 was awful but the second was mostly fine as I'd filed for divorce and I could think well it's not as bad as last year and next year will be better again. Without being with him, I could start moving forward into my own recovery and centre myself in my own life rather than be thinking about them. It's like bereavement in that the first round of dates is the worst then a bit better the following year etc but while you're still with them you're stuck. You have to either suck it up and get over it or get out and move on. There aren't any pain free choices in my experience but I did get to choose which pain to have. Personally I think I like the pain of divorce better after trying both.

Faith50 you show an almost unnatural interest in other people's situations to the gory details . Your posts about your own situation show different sides to the story at times. Better than ever but lead your own life ?

Eggid Do you feel the physical pain daily? Do you still think about it often? You have been traumatised and are drinking to get through the day.

@NomDeQwerty you give me hope! @Eggid I've got that constant sh*t going on in my head. Yeah I've hit the bottle harder just to help me forget and get to sleep.. personally I know it's not going away. The man I married is gone., I've told him as much to. I'm holding on for a lottery win or inheritance (which ever comes first) then I'm gone and will never look back. If I could rewind to Dday I would chuck his sorry arse out and deal with the fallout

They have no idea the pain it causes. No idea at all. Physical, actually physical stabbing pains, hair greying, stomach stabs of shocking sickening pain, insomnia, the list goes on. The nightmares too- waking shaking and crying from nightmares like a child. For years. Please don't stay because you feel you have to - I would say my position was more unique in that I literally couldn't leave due to strange financial and personal conditions. If I'd already had children, if I'd had anyway I Could be had enough money to support myself (Had a poor paying long hours job in a very expensive county with no where and no one else I could've possibly gone to), I would've left. In a HEARTBEAT, I would've left.

Thestuffedpenguin I cannot argue with your opinion. I too know the physical pain that infidelity causes regardless of the level of betrayal.

Sometimes you can believe you are the only one who is suffering and forums such as these show just how many lives are destroyed by infidelity.

It’s refreshing to see the support and acceptance of others decisions on this thread. When I discovered my DHs affair I didn’t post on MN as all the threads I read were very different to this one.

I literally got no sleep last night, none :(. Most nights these days I only get about 4 hours but every so often I get a night like last night. I’m so sick of feeling this way. Don’t know how much longer my sanity will hold on for. But even if we separate the pain will still be there, I’m so torn.

The consensus on the thread seems to be that people either would or have left cheating partners. And those who have stayed mostly wish they hadn’t. I just don’t feel strong enough at the minute to start out all over on my own. I was reading a book a few days back (admittedly a crappy one because I can’t concentrate on anything at the minute), and there was a couple in it who were in their 60’s. The male of the couple was a cheat, and another character was talking about how the woman stayed with him - because even though she was apparently very glamorous, the sad fact was (according to this other character) that women of that age had few options . Thoroughly depressing

I’ve also been there.
That curled up sobbing ball on the shower/bathroom floor.

Did I think I would be that person? Never.
He wouldn’t do that to us ...... I would chuck him out ....... etc etc. That’s why I totally ignore any poster who comments about what they would do, because they don’t know.

Eggid
I don’t regret staying x