Help! something awful has happened

[Siablue]

Last night my husband shouted at our baby he pulled his high chair towards him and shouted in his face. I phoned the NSPCC and the police came.

It was awful. They advised that he spent the night away from the house. He just came back and said I know you called the police and called me a monster. He was really upset and sobbing. You know I would never hurt my child. He thinks I am the problem and I am just trying to take our son away. He doesn’t realise the harm he has caused.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying I am meant to be in work today. How do I explain this to my boss.

Maybe the police round will frighten him into not doing it again.
If he does I would get rid for the baby`s sake.

@Siablue you have done the right thing for you and your baby. And you sound stronger already.

Every little step you take , every time you realise that not only CAN you do this, but you ARE doing this, will see you grow a little bit stronger, a little bit further away from his influence.

That's not to say it's going to be easy. If you feel up to it, I recommend reading Jamais 'sulking husband' threads, as well as Awesmums threads. They are truly inspiring, and give lots of helpful advice.

Oh @Siablue I’m so sad to read your thread. I’ve been there with the shouting H. Please get out, get support. It’s SO MUCH better without the shouting & stress in your life. I’m 6 months out & it is taking time to come to terms with it all.
Write down everything you can remember that has happened. It’s so helpful when they turn up the emotion to be able to see what life really was like with them. Sending you strength xx

I hope that either Womens Aid or a local DA agency is supporting you, OP.

You may need to make your child available for contact eventually, but let your husband go to court to apply for this. Do not do anything until you have had the appointment with your solicitor.

I would advise that you do not answer your phone to H, but insist that if he has to contact you, that he does so in writing. (If you have engaged a solicitor, you can ask H to communicate direct with them. The police may have advised H not to contact you, hopefully.

Stay safe. Get good support. And know that you have done the best thing for you and your child - however hard it feels.

Onceuponamidnightbeery I have been reading those threads. Those ladies are so strong. I don’t think I could cope as well as they are.

Moffa I am so pleased to hear it has got better for you. You went through a really difficult time. I probably do need some time to come to terms with it. I feel sad that my pregnancy and the whole of my baby’s life has been such an unhappy time for me. I will never get that back and I will never have another baby. DS is such a gorgeous and happy little boy so I must have protected him but I feel so guilty.
gottastopeatingchocolate I am getting support from women’s aid. I know I shouldn’t but I did answer the phone to him. He sounded really remorseful and was sobbing down the phone. He is going to get help with his mental health. He wants me to come back. I shouldn’t talk to him as it makes me weaker but I am scared he will kill himself and it will be my fault.

He has threatened to kill himself a lot (especially when I was pregnant) and there was one awful time when he had a knife and wouldn’t let me call 999. I know that suicide threats are a form of emotional abuse.

I dread him having any form of contact with DS. I am really afraid of going to court as they will probably go nuts and award him 50:50. I hope they take into account the police report I made. Hopefully I will get some good advice from my solicitor.

I shouldn’t talk to him as it makes me weaker but I am scared he will kill himself and it will be my fault.

If he kills himself, it will NOT be your fault. It will be because he has chosen to do it.

But I don't think he will. I think he's using the threat of suicide to control you and look, it's working! You're blaming yourself already for something he hasn't even done.

You're right. You need to stop talking to him. The more distance you can build between the two of you the better you'll start to feel.

He has threatened to kill himself a lot (especially when I was pregnant) and there was one awful time when he had a knife and wouldn’t let me call 999. I know that suicide threats are a form of emotional abuse.

That's horrifying, Siablue. I hope you reported that to the police. And you're right, he is still abusing you and controlling you by making these threats, and by sobbing down the phone at you and so on.

Stop speaking to him. Make sure the police and everyone else knows that he's threatening to kill himself, and that he's held you hostage with a knife. Trust the courts to do their job. It's all you can do.

His suicide threats are a form of manipulation, another form of emotional abuse. If he chooses to harm himself rather than to get help then that is down to him alone.

He needs to get help for his mental health and his anger management as a priority, don’t give in to his sobs, if you do he probably won’t get himself any help and he will know that there is no point in trying to change because he can always get you to come back. So I think he will get worse.

Stay strong.

When you speak to him you are exposing your child to his harm - as he will emotionally distress and disturb you and your child with absorb and internalise your pain. You will also be preoccupied negatively with your DH nonsense which means you will not be 100% emotionally available for your child. Don’t let him deplete your child anymore.

His calls are all about him and manipulating you to come back for his own needs - he is not concerned about the needs of your child.

Please block him now and keep accessing support in RL. You are giving your child an amazing gift of emotional and physical safety and security.

ColdAndSad I am pleased that you think it is horrific because I often think what happened to me was not that bad and I should forgive him.

I know he is manipulating me. I know I shouldn’t speak to him but I think on one level all I want is for the abuse to stop and for him to love me.

He will be lost without me and DS. The thing that I can’t understand is if we are all he had why did he treat us so badly.

It would be good to get him to state that he intends to kill himself by text. Keep any such texts safe and backed up.

This would be very useful for when you are having to arrange access as it can be shown in court as evidence of coercive control OR mental instability.

He will be lost without me and DS. The thing that I can’t understand is if we are all he had why did he treat us so badly.

Because he is a broken, damaged man. He isn't a rational, normal person. He is dangerous. In fact he is so dangerous, damaged and broken that you will be required by SS to demonstrate that you are keeping your child safe from him.

You need to demonstrate actively that you can put your child's safety before your need for him to 'love' you. Child first, your neediness last. You are a mother.

'Understanding' him is not possible unless you are a trained psychiatrist.

ColdAndSad I am pleased that you think it is horrific because I often think what happened to me was not that bad and I should forgive him.

It was horrific. It was that bad. Forgive him if it will make you feel better: but don't let him back into your life, because he will only hurt you. You cannot trust him to treat you as you deserve to be treated.

I know he is manipulating me. I know I shouldn’t speak to him but I think on one level all I want is for the abuse to stop and for him to love me.

That is never, ever going to happen. Never. You have to do all you can to remember that the real him is the one who threatens and abuses you. That he doesn't love or respect you, because if he did he wouldn't have done these things.

He will be lost without me and DS. The thing that I can’t understand is if we are all he had why did he treat us so badly

You don't have to understand why he has done this. All you have to remember is that he HAS done these things, he IS abusive, and he WILL NOT CHANGE.

You deserve so much better. You deserve to be loved, and to be happy. You won't be loved by him. You won't be happy if you stay with him. He will only ever hurt and manipulate you. Leave him. Don't look back.

Get out. It’s not normal behaviour. It’s a form of out of control behaviour. Has he ever been violent. That’s the next step.

I needed to hear it. I am so used to appeasing him when he is upset (which is all the time) that I have to strongly fight the urge to do it. I also have it in my head that my needs and wants are unreasonable which is what he told me all the time.

I feel so much calmer without him. DS is sleeping better too which might be related. Keeping him safe is my priority. I think that is the most difficult aspect of this situation is that his life is always going to be compromised in some way because of his dad.

Now I am panicking a bit about social services. They closed my case without doing assessment because I moved away. Does that mean I am still on file somewhere as an unfit mother? Could they still take my child? What if they find out that I answered the phone to him? Does that mean I can never go back to my house? The main reason I went to the police was to prevent him taking DS from me now I am at risk of Social Services taking him because I did go to the police.

Social services can't take your child. Police can take children for 72 hours if the child is in immediate danger. Social services can apply to court to remove children, but only if they are at serious risk of harm and the parents haven't taken any real steps to change. Are either of those scenarios you?

Social services closed your file because you had taken action to protect your DC.

They will only act further if they receive another referral.

Stay strong and don't give in to the emotional blackmail. Keep moving forward for a better life for you and your DC

I am feeling stronger and calmer since I have left but am having moments of panic.

I know I am protecting my child. I keep panicking that he will be taken away from me. I think it was because he threatened to take him away from me when I was pregnant or told me that because of my health problems social services would think I am an unfit mum.

I am starting to realise how much he chipped away at my sense of self and that a lot of what I thought was normal really isn’t.

Well done for leaving (and for reporting him/contacting NSPCC).

It might be worth getting in touch - or asking the police for a referral to - the NCDV. Ask them (or your solicitor) about a Prohibited Steps Order (court order that stops a parent from doing certain things with a child without the express permission of the other parent). In my case, it was to stop ex having unsupervised contact with our daughter (including dropping her off/picking her up from school etc). Reason for this was his unstable behaviour due to alcohol/drug abuse (I found out that he was drink driving/drinking when he was meant to be looking after our daughter).

I was able to get an emergency initial hearing ex parte (without ex's knowledge and without him needing to be there). At the first hearing, the Judge ordered that a Child Arrangements Order be made at the same time, where he ordered that our daughter lives with me. The second hearing was about 3 weeks later, and the Judge extended the Prohibited Steps Order by 12 months.

I also did a self referral to SS, and they were brilliant with me. They won't think you're an unfit mum, I promise. You've taken steps to protect your baby. PM if you ever want to xx

TicTac that sound brilliant. It exactly what I need. I hope that with me going to the police that will give me enough evidence to get one.