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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! something awful has happened

170 replies

Siablue · 03/09/2019 07:37

Last night my husband shouted at our baby he pulled his high chair towards him and shouted in his face. I phoned the NSPCC and the police came.

It was awful. They advised that he spent the night away from the house. He just came back and said I know you called the police and called me a monster. He was really upset and sobbing. You know I would never hurt my child. He thinks I am the problem and I am just trying to take our son away. He doesn’t realise the harm he has caused.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying I am meant to be in work today. How do I explain this to my boss.

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 03/09/2019 08:21

I’ve been where you are OP. I know how hard it is, this bully has worn you down so you barely know who you are anymore and what is normal behaviour. Please stop feeling sorry for him and protect yourself and your child. I finally left my abusive husband when I noticed my toddler cowering in fear from his father. It wasn’t easy but it was absolutely the right thing to do. Stay strong Flowers

AmIThough · 03/09/2019 08:21

You're struggling to make decisions? There's no decision to make. You HAVE to protect your baby.

SinkGirl · 03/09/2019 08:24

I’ve seen your previous posts OP, you did the right thing Flowers

IceColdLemonade · 03/09/2019 08:24

Have you told anyone close to you, family or friend? You need external influence and help to help you see clearly and talk out how you feel.Flowers

Jenasaurus · 03/09/2019 08:29

The fact you felt the need to contact NSPCC makes me think you know this is likely to escalate and you did the right thing. You have put your child first and sent a

MrsBertBibby · 03/09/2019 08:32

You need to get yourself and baby away from this man, OP. Did you tell the police everything, about him shouting at you?

toadabode · 03/09/2019 08:32

Take some responsibility for the safety of your child and leave

Jenasaurus · 03/09/2019 08:33

Sorry posted to soon. Meant to say sent a clear message to your DH that it’s not acceptable. I went through similar and can tell from experience it does escalate. My ex started of shouting and ended with an injunction taken out by my 17 year old DD years later.

CIareIsland · 03/09/2019 08:33

You are 100% right - you just need to get through the day.

You just need to get through the next 10mins.

Talk to someone again - then it will take on its own momentum - this has a process police, nscpcc (call them), wa

Where is he now?

Jenasaurus · 03/09/2019 08:35

One way to think of it is would it be acceptable to shout at anyone else like that? Imagine him pulling his bosses chair over and shouting in his face. It’s so much worse against a tiny child. You did the right thing

Lweji · 03/09/2019 08:37

I am really struggling with making decisions at the moment.

Your priority is your safety and the safety of your baby.
Focus on that.

Feel sorry for both of you, not him.

IceColdLemonade · 03/09/2019 08:37

Can you get you and your baby out for a walk in the park or to a coffee shop or something? Somewhere you can be in a 'normal' environment and help to clear your head? The last thing I would want is to be in the house at the moment.

AMAM8916 · 03/09/2019 08:37

I'm totally with you here OP. You did the right thing and it doesn't matter if it was a one off or not, yanking at a babys (a baby, a tiny little persons) highchair and shouting in their face would be scary to see and you also have to wonder if this would be the start of constant shouting at the baby, pulling at him and just generally being over the top. I've read that he always shouts at you as well and seems to get frustrated very easily?

He needs to pack that in asap or you need to leave him. A parent will never be a good parent with a short fuse. Part of being a parent is to learn patience. Of course we all have our moments where our children test our patience, usually not as babies though, more so when they are cheeky, answer back and have tantrums. You maybe get a little agitated and tell them off then take a breather in the kitchen for a moment or something.

If he is anxious and this causes the shouting and frustration, he NEEDS to address it right now as you can't take risks. I would say to him that if he doesn't make an appointment for help with it right away, you need to split up as you don't want your child or you walking on eggshells and being scared of when he might blow up

CrispMornings · 03/09/2019 08:39

Change the locks. Call your mum. Love your child. See the GP, get signed off for a fortnight. Go to a solicitor. Start the rest of your better life without him.

TanMateix · 03/09/2019 08:41

If your child goes to nursery, go to work. I know it is upsetting but it can help you both. You will be able to get distracted and probably get some support from colleagues at work. Your kid will be much better spending time not worrying about seeing his mum so sad and stressed, it will take him away from the drama while you take decisions you need to take and compose yourself.

I think that you need to leave, this is an escalation of abusive/aggressive behaviour but leaving is not ever easy, particularly when you have been conditioned for years to thing living afraid and his tempers are normal. You can NOT negotiate with an abuser, with them is their way or the highway. Take the highway, you won’t believe how pleasant life can be in it.

Samosaurus · 03/09/2019 08:42

So he is scared of the police, but not scared of shouting at his wife and child? He sounds like a real cowardly piece of work. Well done for calling the police, sounds like it was a long time coming.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 03/09/2019 08:46

OP if the police arrested him, they will contact SS as this incident involved your child.

I’m not saying this to scare you, but SS will force you to make a decision that protects your son. They will expect you to keep him safe (and yourself), therefore will expect you to leave this abusive arsehole (anxiety my arse). If you don’t, then they will place your child in a safer environment.

Please call WA and leave him. Don’t fall for his manipulative tears, declarations of love or suicide threats.

This will escalate.

gingersausage · 03/09/2019 08:46

It isn’t anxiety. He is telling you it is caused by anxiety to manipulate you. It’s obviously working as you feel sorry for him which is what he wants. He’s doing this to mess with your head and make you blame yourself because he is evil. There is no other word for it.

Don’t listen to the people on here who will also blame you. This is not your fault. It’s all his fault. He is a bad person, you are not ok!

It must be very very difficult to just up and leave everything, and it’s very easy for people on here to furiously type at you without any idea of the logistics involved. I hope someone who has been through this in real life can reach out to you and give you some practical help and support by PM with the phone numbers that you need. I hope you can find the strength to phone those numbers and get yourself and your baby out of this awful situation.

Whenaretheholidaysover · 03/09/2019 08:46

In one of your previous threads you said you had a plan to leave in a few days. What happened?

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 03/09/2019 08:47

He shouts at you and now he's moving on to shout at his child. You were right to call for help. You are breaking the cycle and protecting your child. He may be upset but you've been upset for a long time, and I expect your child was very upset being shouted at. I hope this is the turning point for him getting help to manage his anger. If not there's not a future worth having with him. I'm sorry OP, it sounds really hard.Flowers

eladen · 03/09/2019 08:48

You did the right thing.

Remember that him getting you to feel sorry for him is a way of controlling you. It stops you from feeling able to protect yourself properly.

Do you feel sorry for your baby or yourself being treated like this? Who here needs the most protection?

The police let you down by only getting him out of the house for one night. They've put you at risk.

I do have an idea of what it's like when the thought of leaving makes you feel such intense guilt it's like a physical pain. I nearly stayed because of it, but then I imagined myself still there in five years and that made me feel like I would die, frankly.

Sometimes you have to choose the least worst option and do something temporarily scary and upsetting in order to get somewhere permanently better and safer. If you can't imagine yet how things can be better, then use the knowledge of how bad things are and will be to drive you instead.

Will you let Women's Aid and others help you?

You did the right thing.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2019 08:52

Do you have support, OP? Family, friends?

WeAreStardustWeAreGolden · 03/09/2019 08:54

Get rid of the c..t

Angiemum24 · 03/09/2019 08:56

I would call woman’s aid 0800 2000 247 and talk to them. If you phoned the nspcc then there is something else happening and you and your baby are not safe to stay.

NoSquirrels · 03/09/2019 08:58

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying I am meant to be in work today. How do I explain this to my boss.

First things first.

Can you email your boss? (I know you are supposed to call in but you might find it easier in writing initially).
Can you say

"I can't come to work today because last night the police were involved in a domestic dispute at my house when my husband lost his temper. I'm extremely shaken up and can't stop crying and that's why I'm emailing not calling - I can speak to you if needed but I wanted to explain in writing first. I need to make plans to protect baby and me. Please could you call me if I need to speak to you in person. I will keep you updated."

If you have an HR department, cc them to the email.