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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! something awful has happened

170 replies

Siablue · 03/09/2019 07:37

Last night my husband shouted at our baby he pulled his high chair towards him and shouted in his face. I phoned the NSPCC and the police came.

It was awful. They advised that he spent the night away from the house. He just came back and said I know you called the police and called me a monster. He was really upset and sobbing. You know I would never hurt my child. He thinks I am the problem and I am just trying to take our son away. He doesn’t realise the harm he has caused.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying I am meant to be in work today. How do I explain this to my boss.

OP posts:
SalitaeDiscesa · 03/09/2019 08:01

Absolutely not an over-reaction. You did the right thing.

pog100 · 03/09/2019 08:04

OP you have several threads about this man and the situation. You have women's aid, police and social services involved. You have at least once moved to your sister. It won't ever get better while you live with him.
You need to leave permanently and start a different direction. You work, you can be financially independent. Please do it.

Original poster
Siablue · 03/09/2019 08:04

He was angry because the baby threw his food on the floor. He also gets cross with me when he toddles around the house. He calls him naughty.

I don’t mean to drip feed. He has had problems with anger for a while. He is also quite controlling. I know it is due to anxiety so I do feel sorry for him. I have tried to pursuade him to get help. He won’t.

OP posts:
shinynewapple · 03/09/2019 08:05

So this isn't a one off.

If he doesn't think he has done anything wrong then he's not going to change.

I think you need to put some space between you and baby and your partner.

It is possible to come back from this but he has to accept he has a problem and get some counselling around domestic abuse perpetrator, or anger management. If he is using his anger to shout at you and belittle you that's DV rather than anger management which would be more general.

Do you have any support in real life, somewhere you can stay, any money? I would recommend phoning Women's Aid, if only for some advice and insight into his behaviour.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 03/09/2019 08:06

Fgs op, this is a regular occurrence. You did the right thing, now the next right thing is get the hell out of there or get him out. Enough is enough and this should be the straw that broke the camels back.

Stop feeling sorry for him, he is a man of his own making. Protect yourself and your baby. He can look after himself.

Ohyesiam · 03/09/2019 08:07

Oh love, Flowers I’m so sorry he shouts at you every day. Nobody should have to live like that.
Everyone deserves respect and understanding.
You need to leave him.
Do you have anywhere you can go? Family?
Find your strength and get out.

KatherineJaneway · 03/09/2019 08:07

You've done the right thing as this is ongoing behaviour.

Ignore his sobbing and the whole 'I'd never hurt my child' line, just his way of trying to get you and the Police off his back so he can go on as before.

Have you anywhere you can go?

Clutterbugsmum · 03/09/2019 08:07

He just came back and said I know you called the police and called me a monster. He was really upset and sobbing. And yet instead of apologising for HIS behaviour HE blamed you.

Mysexyfeet · 03/09/2019 08:07

That is not due to anxiety. No way. That’s just an excuse. Feel sorry for your baby, not the bully.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 03/09/2019 08:07

It is not due to anxiety. It is due to him being used to bully you and now he's started on your toddler - for simply being a toddler. You cannot save this man, but you can and must save yourself and your child.

isabellerossignol · 03/09/2019 08:07

I know it is due to anxiety so I do feel sorry for him.

No it's not. Loads of people have anxiety and don't behave like this. He is using anxiety as an excuse but that's because he wants you to feel sorry for him.

I has such severe post natal anxiety that I used to just sit on the sofa for hours at a time shaking from head to toe, I was utterly terrified of life in every way. I managed not to abuse my husband or baby though.

MashedSpud · 03/09/2019 08:08

He won’t get help.

You have two choices:

  1. Leave for your sake and your child’s,
  2. Stay and live a life of fear and treading on eggshells, ruining your child’s mental health and giving them the wrong idea of what a good relationship should be.
MarianaMoatedGrange · 03/09/2019 08:08

*bullying you.

Tonnerre · 03/09/2019 08:09

No matter how sorry you feel for your husband, you absolutely have to put your baby first. Have Women's Aid referred you to a solicitor?

Magnoliamagic · 03/09/2019 08:10

Leave. lost of people have a bad temper (including me) and toddlers and children can push us to our limits, but babies?? in a highchair?? that must have been so frightening for the baby and you.
I think the tears are just his panic and realisation that he has gone over the line and he will now be under the radar of the police and I would think social services.
If he shouts at you daily and now he has turned on the baby, he obviously isn't happy and can't control his behaviour and you never know what the net step will be .....

maltesersgalore · 03/09/2019 08:13

@Siablue his behaviour is escalating isn't it.
You know he's abusive as you've been starting threads over the last few weeks about him. You're already in touch with woman's aid, listen to their advice.

You are a strong, intelligent woman who is a fantastic and loving mum.

Now - get the hell out of your marriage and leave that piece of filth (your H).

You can do it, you must do it. For your son and for yourself. You both deserve so much more.

Mary1935 · 03/09/2019 08:13

Hi oP very sorry you are going through this. You do need to leave him. He is doing your child emotional damage and impacting her development.
The police will contact social services and they will make contact with you.
His behaviour is not acceptable and he will not change.
Thousand of women hope they do, try to fix them and love them.
Sadly this really is who he is.
Have you got family you can turn too.
They do cry, it’s part of the script. They love you - they beg you not to go - but when you don’t do what they want - they get angry.
He could be dangerous when you leave.
Speak to women’s aid if you can.
Protect your child.🌺

hotwaterbottle12 · 03/09/2019 08:14

You did the right thing. You can't allow him to scream at your baby. Your baby would have been terrified. You need to keep moving forward and protect yourself and child.

CodenameVillanelle · 03/09/2019 08:15

Look. He may have anxiety but he's ALSO abusive. You already have social services involved and now the police have been called. If you don't take action to protect your baby from witnessing his abuse of you and being abused himself then you run the real risk of social services taking you both to court which is stressful beyond belief - and even taking him away from you, potentially permanently. Open your eyes.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2019 08:16

He has been awful to me for a long time. I am at breaking point
He is an abuser and you should not allow your DC to be brought up with an abuser.
You did the right thing calling the police.
He is now turning his abuse towards a baby and that is not OK.
You need to split from this person but you need to do it safely.
As PP's have said 0808 2000 247 or google 'Womens Aid' and see if you have one local to you that you can call.

If you keep your baby in this environment he will grow up to be an abuser or be a victim like you.
You are the only person who can protect your DC.
So do it.

He is not abusive and controlling due to his anxiety.
Stop pittying this controlling abusive bully.
He is controlling and abusive because he is an abuser.
That's the bottom line.
They do NOT change.
Get away and do it fast.

Do you have family or friends you can go to or has he isolated you from those as well?

Windygate · 03/09/2019 08:16

This isn't a one off, it's an escalation of abusive and controlling behaviour. Well done OP on seeking help. The police will do a referral to SS, take all the help you can.

SeeTe · 03/09/2019 08:20

Do not let him use anxiety as an excuse to abuse you. Plenty of people suffer with and plenty of people don't abuse their partners.

I'm on anti depressants for anxiety. It was so bad I was scratching my skin until it bled most days and having anxiety attacks often. I've never screamed in a babies face or used it as an excuse to treat my H like shit though.

Some people will use MH as an excuse to be an arsehole. Don't let them.

Original poster
Siablue · 03/09/2019 08:20

I know all that. I just need to find a way to get through the day.

I am really struggling with making decisions at the moment.

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 03/09/2019 08:21

Well done for taking on here. Well done for contacting WA. Well done for listening and learning. Well done for calling the police. You have taken many brave steps - you need to just take the next one. Police, SS and WA need the dots joined. You need RL protection and support. Do not believe he will change. Swap the pity you have for him to your baby.

He is doing massive emotional injury and long term damage to your baby. First by the domestic abuse of you which your baby will see, hear, feel, absorb and internalise into total fear - and now directly at her.

Myriade · 03/09/2019 08:21

Contact Women Aid.
And don’t let him back in the hOuse (or if he doesn’t want to leave, then leave yourself, at least for a bit)

It might be that he is anxious BUT this doesn’t allow him to treat you or your ds the way he does.
You can feel sorry for him for the hurt or his anxiety. But this doesn’t mean that you ca allow yourself or your ds to be his emotional punching ball.

You MUST put yourself first. You MUST put the needs of your ds before the ones of your DH.
Your DH is a grown man who can look after himself. If he was that sorry, he would I be running to the GP to get some help and stop been aggressive towards you and his ds. He is CHOOSING not to. And that says it all. It says that he doesn’t care about you or his ds. Only him and how he looks like in front of others, like the Police.

You have to get support in RL. Talk to your family, friends.
Ask him to spend some time away at some friends or family whilst everyone calms down.
If he refuses, go and spend time away at friends or family house.
In the mean time, talk to Women Aid. Talk to you friends, people you trust about what has happened and the way he treats you.
But PROTECT YOURSELF first and foremost. Even if this means y u are breaking his heart. Because you and your ds are worth just as much as he is. And your loyalties are towards yourself and your dc much before they are towards him.