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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! something awful has happened

170 replies

Siablue · 03/09/2019 07:37

Last night my husband shouted at our baby he pulled his high chair towards him and shouted in his face. I phoned the NSPCC and the police came.

It was awful. They advised that he spent the night away from the house. He just came back and said I know you called the police and called me a monster. He was really upset and sobbing. You know I would never hurt my child. He thinks I am the problem and I am just trying to take our son away. He doesn’t realise the harm he has caused.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying I am meant to be in work today. How do I explain this to my boss.

OP posts:
Original poster
Siablue · 03/09/2019 08:59

whenaretheholidaysover I going to leave when I went with to stay with my sister a few weeks ago. I came back because I hadn’t heard from the police.

I like the idea of going somewhere normal like a park or cafe. It all feels unreal.

I am going to talk to my friend later. I live very far from my family and close friends so it is hard to get support from them.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/09/2019 09:03

I live very far from my family and close friends
Why am I not surprised to see this.
More abuse in isolating you from friends and family.
Can you back to your friends and family?
Would they help and support you?
I doubt they like him anyway so they may be relieved to see you home!
Take the steps to get away and do it quickly before this escalates and you become another statistic!

Phimma · 03/09/2019 09:04

Following as have afamily member who shouts at his toddler.

Steerpike902 · 03/09/2019 09:07

I can see why you called the police if she shouts at you every day and scares you and then targets a baby who can do nothing to defend itself.
My husband sometimes loses his temper at our toddler and doesn't scream in his face or anything but you do need to nip it in the bud else it becomes normal rather than a one off. I think you were very brave and need to leave him.

Iwantacookie · 03/09/2019 09:14

Oh op I've been there.
Firstly well done. You've taken the first step.
I would ring your boss or as a pp suggested email.
You need their support. My boss was great told me to take the day off go see the doctor and she would cover me for the next week for now and longer if needed.
That gave me some breathing space which was a huge load off my mind.
Now the police are involved ss will be too, if you keep taking him back ss will assume you've picked your dh over you dc. Put you dc and yourself first and stay away from that monster.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 03/09/2019 09:19

No, pulling a baby's high chair toward him and shouting in his face is absolutely not normal, despite what some PPs are trying to tell you. Please don't listen. You've done absolutely the right thing as a loving mother. Your baby will have been terrified, and this kind of thing can have a huge long-term impact. You have a duty to protect your child and you've done it. You deserve applause.

Never doubt yourself.

What a horrible situation you are in. Hugs, Flowers Cake for you.

TanMateix · 03/09/2019 09:25

Op, you don’t need people to live near to support you, you need them to keep you strong and they can do that over the phone and social media.

If you have no friends or family nearby, no social life, what keeps you there? Unless you have a job that is providing a great salary or lots of satisfaction, go to where your network of support is, you can find another job there.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 03/09/2019 09:26

Sorry OP, he’s a controlling bastard.
I’m so glad you called the NSPCC and the police were involved.
He wasn’t crying because he feels remorse; he was crying for himself because he got caught.

So many red flags in your situation. Being isolated, is a typical sign of being abused / controlled.
Please find a friend in RL to confide in.
DO NOT tell your H you are planning to leave. ( leaving is a dangerous time for victims in domestic abuse situations)
As possible have said, please get advice from women’s aid.

gorrisandhorace · 03/09/2019 09:26

You know ... they all say "I’d never to
anything to hurt my child".
Until they do.
And then afterwards, they STILL say
"I’d never do anything to hurt my child"
Op you need to leave, and quickly, before his anger at you for getting the police involved leads to a worse incident.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 03/09/2019 09:32

Classic DARVO - he's minimising it and making you out to be the transgressor. Does he have form for this?

CrispMornings · 03/09/2019 09:43

OP children grown now. I'm a shouter and shouted at ds at least three times a year. DH once. DD never because she was more sensitive and cried if I did. I'm not proud of being a shouter. I never, ever shouted in their faces and never when they were helpless babies and never over things like dropping food on the floor. Maybe at DS at three after he'd filled a guitar with marbles, opened the piano and pured juice over the keys and fiddled so much with a radio aerial he snapped it off even after it was moved. In one day. I'm not proud.

Leave. Now.

Span1elsRock · 03/09/2019 09:43

You need to step up here, stop making excuses for his behaviour and be the parent that your baby deserves.

He's a pitiful excuse of a man that you don't need in your life.

ColdAndSad · 03/09/2019 09:48

You did the right thing in phoning the police.

Don't let your partner switch the blame for any of this onto you: he shouted at your baby. That's just not acceptable.

Try to get outside today, and do nice, happy, normal things. And then once you're feeling a bit better you'll be able to plan for the future--preferably a future without this awful man in it.

AnyOldPrion · 03/09/2019 09:49

Siablue, you said in your OP that something awful had happened. If you mean it was awful that he shouted at your baby, then you’re right.

But if you mean that contacting the NSPCC and the police coming, then that wasn’t something awful. That was you taking the first enormous step towards leaving an abusive man.

I took mine about six months ago. My son’s much older than yours, but he didn’t deserve to be shouted at in a threatening way either. It was the last straw for me. A friend directed me towards my local shelter/help centre and I took a deep breath and went to talk to them.

When I was there, I was told if I didn’t do something, they would report me to social services. They also told me if I needed to leave now for our safety, that we could.

I am so glad for the tough love. I was terrified because having taken that step, there was no going back.

Now my son and I are safe, living in a lovely little flat, on our own. I have so much time with my son, and don’t have to live with the fear of knowing his dad will be coming in, worrying about what mood he’s in tonight.

Take the next step. I know it’s terrifying. But post here and people will help you. I did. It’s going to be okay.

CuriousMama · 03/09/2019 09:55

Hope you decide on your next move soon?

QueefLatifah · 03/09/2019 09:56

This is worrying

Lovemusic33 · 03/09/2019 10:11

OP, please don’t ever feel sorry for him, when you do feel sorry for him picture what he did to your baby, what he does to you.

Many of us have been in similar situations and it’s so hard to see what’s happening when it’s happening to you, if it was one of your friends being treated like this you know what your advice would be to them? You have to do what’s best for your baby and for you, things won’t improve, they are more likely to get worse. You need to leave and you need help and support to do so.

AMAM8916 · 03/09/2019 10:13

I just want to say to the women commenting here that they've shouted at their toddlers or older children and feel bad about it, don't! Toddlers are really testing and so can older children be and part of disciplining them is to show them emotion and let them see that they have crossed a line as they can understand it. A baby though? We all agree (thank god) that shouting at a baby is wrong. They don't understand and can't possibly be misbehaving! A baby can't misbehave. Losing your cool and giving your toddler or older child a little bolocking is par for the course of being a parent, as long as it's controlled and only in serious situations where they've totally crossed a line like ran out into a road, showed forks in the toaster and those sorts of things

tolerable · 03/09/2019 10:17

sweetheart,can you look up the local(to you)womens aid? they will have a call no and email address that you can contact.Rather than go to the park i really think you should pop in(its allowed).They will help you,you and baby will be safe and supported.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 03/09/2019 10:20

Hi OP,
Read some of your earlier posts, and from them I understand that police and social services are already involved in your situation.

You need to either make your home safe (i.e. have him leave) or get to a safe place. You have options - family (far away is sometimes the best option), refuge.

Sorry to say, but it sometimes happen that SS view it badly if a woman stays in an abusive home as they deem that you are unable to protect your child. The fact that you feel unable to make decisions plays in to this. Let someone else guide you. Go back to the police or Women's Aid and start the process to a better life. It will be challenging, and you can't second guess everything that will happen. Just take the first step and get people around you that you trust to support and guide you.

yellowallpaper · 03/09/2019 10:24

End the relationship as soon as you can. This behaviour is not going to stop and it's harming your child.

Defeated10 · 03/09/2019 10:29

I think you need to put your child first now as you have seen what he is capable towards a baby and I'm sorry to say it could get alot worse towards them. So you need to leave now to spare your child from harm. If SS are already involved and you don't leave after this event then I'm sorry to say you will have your child taken away if you cannot put them in a safe enviroment. Because the police will tell SS what happened last night. So you say you cannot make decisions atm I think the only decision you need to make is to protect your child by leaving!

Montydoo · 03/09/2019 10:30

I would expect that the police will contact Social Services, and you will get help, IMO you need to leave this man, the damage he will do to your son will have massive consequences. Yes he is sorry now, but it WILL happen again - don't be a headline in the news. Be strong, think of your baby.

Scorpiovenus · 03/09/2019 10:30

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Gilead · 03/09/2019 10:35

I felt sorry for my ex. I let him come back. He was sweet for about a week and then he was the victim. The police had been awful to him, how could I do this to him, he was traumatised by the whole thing etc. Nothing, nothing about how he had behaved toward the dc or to me, it was all about him and it was all my fault. I put up with another four months of hell before he was arrested again. That was three years ago. I have my own place a long way from him and we're all safer and happier. I coped for over twenty years. Please get out now. He will promise the moon and will be back to his usual self in no time.