Help! something awful has happened

[Siablue]

Last night my husband shouted at our baby he pulled his high chair towards him and shouted in his face. I phoned the NSPCC and the police came.

It was awful. They advised that he spent the night away from the house. He just came back and said I know you called the police and called me a monster. He was really upset and sobbing. You know I would never hurt my child. He thinks I am the problem and I am just trying to take our son away. He doesn’t realise the harm he has caused.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying I am meant to be in work today. How do I explain this to my boss.

@Siablue

I’ve read your other threads and the police have really let you down here. They should of arrested him...you only went and reported him in August.

Please, go to your family. Don’t return, you’ll get another job and ring rights of women/WA/DV helpline.

You need to do this for your child

He shouted at your baby for throwing food. My dd was a terrible food thrower. I used to give her one item at a time because of it because she threw most of it on the floor.

Children develop personalities. Your partner is already objecting to your ds’s personality and toddling around . This will get worse. Children rebel against their parents it starts in the twos. If your ds doesn’t it’s because he’s too scared of his father. Would you like that to happen?

Your h is scum for doing what he did and you know you need to leave to protect your child.

What is stopping you from leaving? You can get another home, job or partner but you can’t replace your child. The high chair could easily have tipped over and injured the baby when it was being pulled around.

Get an urgent appointment with your GP and ask for as much support and help as you possibly can get. You need to ringfence yourself and baby and have support in doing so.
Toddlers throw food on the floor and toddle. That's normal. Directing anger for this and calling your baby names absolutely isn't. Imagine the response from dp when your baby actually does do something naughty.. It doesn't bear thinking about. Please put your baby first..

You have 2 choices
Stay with this abusive vile man or leave.
Whichever way his behaviour will only escalate now.
So be prepared for a lot more vile treatment.
Felling sorry for him is a total waste of your own emotional energy.
Your main responsibility is to keep you and your baby safe and that is not going to happen if you stay. You are in real danger here.
It will not end well.

When I read your post at first, I thought your reaction had been over the top, but having read the rest of your story, I really think that you need to leave. My husband is 75 and his sister is 73. When they get together or they talk on the phone, the subject always gets around to their father. He was a hard working man, he never hit them, but they were both scared of him, because he constantly criticized them and shouted a lot. They were constantly walking on eggshells, and felt they could never do anything right. My husband joined the forces when he was 16 to get away, and suffered a lack of self confidence, despite being intelligent, funny, and a thoroughly nice person. He remembers his mum with love, but feels sad that she never got away. don't let your baby grow up like my husband and his sister did, frightened to be themselves. It will damage him.

The police said they won’t involve SS. They weren’t interested the last time. They referred me to the health visitor.

I have spoken to my boss’s daughter the lady from women’s aid. I can’t get a slot with their legal clinic until next week.

I know I have to leave but it’s going to awful. I really fear that everyone will take his side. He is very charming to outsiders. The police said they were sure he would be alright in the morning.

Well you know him and you know you need to protect yourself and your DC.
You can involve SS yourself if you want to.
Tell your health visitor everything you have told us and she can help you as well.
Do you see your HV alone?
If you can't say it all to her then just hand her a piece of paper with a link to this thread.
Legal clinic next week will be good.

Is there any way you can escape back to family and friends?
Do you drive?
Have access to money?

*I going to leave when I went with to stay with my sister a few weeks ago. I came back because I hadn’t heard from the police.

I like the idea of going somewhere normal like a park or cafe. It all feels unreal.

I am going to talk to my friend later. I live very far from my family and close friends so it is hard to get support from them.*

Yes the unreal feeling is most likely shock. Getting grounded will help you and going into a normal, safe environment away from your home will help.

I saw the email someone suggested you send to your boss and I think that's a very good idea, that's another immediate problem solved.

Don't let the reactions of the police make you think you don't have a valid reason for what you did, you know what you did and why you had to do it.

I know it's really hard but reach out to family and friends and anyone who you feel you can trust to help you and be open and honest with them. You need all the support you can get. Don't be afraid to ask.

If any of my family or friends were in a similar position we would not hesitate to take them in, even though we don't really have the room. Keep coming here!

The police said they won’t involve SS. They weren’t interested the last time. They referred me to the health visitor.

This isn't right. They have a duty to refer it to social services. Any call where there are children in the home.

Op as a police officer I would expect that a referral should be made - a child concern form - If this came from nspcc to police you can be sure this will happen. It doesn't mean that social services will wade in but they need to know . If I attended something like this I would be directed to submit a child concern by a Sgt if I didn't take the initiative myself.
Your baby is at risk.

I'm really sorry that the police have not taken this any more seriously. Please don't let that stop you from contacting them again if you need to in future. It's possible that NSPCC have made a referral to SS , possibly the same time that they contacted police.

Would you be able to visit and stay with your family for a while? I realise this may impact upon your job. Does your baby go to nursery / childminder while you work? If so could you drop them off while you try to make some arrangements.

Women's Aid may be able to offer you a refuge place with your child, indeed if you leave your DH due to DV and present at housing as homeless they ought to provide you with some temporary accommodation, but this may differ area to area.

Your health visitor may also be able to provide some signposting advice for you with regards where to go for help as all agencies working with children and families are supposed to work together- we all know this doesn't always happen.

Hopefully you will be able to get some help first through your own family.

You only have the
Op word the police haven't taken this more seriously. I'd be very very surprised if no referral is made. Policing now is mostly about arse covering.

OP, you convince yourself that you're iminaging things - I did and you minimise to convince yourself that it's ok to stay. I did that too.

As a passive-ish 21-year old newly-married to an agressive 28 year old, I did nothing when he punched me in the head less than 3 months after our marriage. His reason, he had to do it to get me to talk to him. He used sufficient force that the knuckle of his little finger was permanently pushed back out of alignment with the others.

He insisted on having sex with me, even if I said no, even if it hurt me he said he couldn't feel anything, it didn't hurt him, and continued.

Angry with me for being in a car accident, not my fault, he 'banged' my head in to the headboard of our bed, knowing that I had broken spines in my neck.

When I dared to leave him, he 'helped' me, putting a piece of worktop in the car so, that on doing a u-turn around a roundabout it would have hit my neck at its most vulnerable point.

Please leave, and don't do what I did. I'm so stupid, I stayed 40 years before I left. I could have met someone else who loved me, cherished me and valued me.

What monster shouts at a baby? No matter how stressful babies are, the thought of a grown man shouting in a baby’s face is hideous.

His temper sounds unhealthy and upsetting. It must be so stressful for you. If you don't want to split maybe tell him to get anger management to prove he's working on it.
Unless he wants his child to be afraid of him?

Hellenbackagain I work as an administrator in children's services and would certainly expect to see a referral come through from police if there were children present at DV incident, however, I am never clear about what is policy in my local authority area and what is nationwide expectations or a legal obligation.

The police told me they weren’t going to inform social services.

I do think that I am in shock. I feel like everything is happening in slow motion.

Where are you and where is he now?
Are you safe? Have you contacted anyone else in RL today and told them?

Op
Was a dash risk assessment done at the visit?
Were you asked a lot of questions ?

Eg
Did the incident result in injury
Are you very frightened of him
What are you frightened of
Are you isolated from family and friends
Are
You depressed or suicidal
Etc etc

If you were not asked the DASH and if the officer did not tell you a referral to social care would be made I would be very worried and surprised- both for you and that officers job quite frankly.

So he manages not to shout in anyone’s face except yours and your babies.
He makes that choice.
He can control himself when he wants to.
Leave him, he will never change.

Please, please OP go to A+E and say that your dh's agression has put you in a state of shock because you can't stop shaking.

Please go, either tonight or tomorrow when he's at work.

I'm in France, and I found it works so differently here, however if I'd called the ambulance people when I was shaking from head to foot, he'd probably be in prison now. I was too shocked to realise, and just thankful I'd managed to get him out of my rented house.

Once he knew I was leaving, he played mr nice guy, and so I relaxed - more fool me! He got to visit my rented house, was present at the inventory, helped me move in - broke an oak dining table, and then tried to break my neck all the time 'helping' me put things in my car.

Because I didn't act soon enough, and go to hospital, I didn't have an independant witness to the agression - which the shakes would have done - and so the moment was lost. My blood pressure and heart rate would have been through the roof, but the moment was lost.

You might even get a diagnosis of PTSD if appropriate.

Take care

You make a decision based on what is best for your child and you not what it is easiest which would be staying with an abusive husband and father vs leaving him

helenbackagain thank you for all your advice. He did do the DASH assessment. I think it was different questions to the one in the police station. They told me they weren’t going to refer to social services and that it was recorded as a domestic violence non crime. They also commented on how nice our house was.

I would actually like social services to be involved as it would make it easier to protect my son.

He did seem very shaken by the police involvement when he came in last night. He is very upset but has no insight into his behaviour. It is all about him.

I need to find somewhere for me and DS to live.

Get in touch with SS yourself. Be proactive. Keep up the momentum. The DC life may depend on what you do next. Tell SS EVERYTHING he has done and that you see this as an escalation.