Are there any truly decent men out there?

[LemonFritz]

I thought I had an amazing husband, minor flaws and human, but wonderful. Turns out he is not.

Are there any truly decent men out there who are considerate, genuinely view women as equals in all ways and are not porn addicts?

Just discovered ‘nice guy syndrome’, I feel as though I now understand.

I sadly am also working through ‘nice girl syndrome’. What a mess.

I sadly am also working through ‘nice girl syndrome’. What a mess.

I know I shouldn't grin, but...

Actually, I don't go with the notion that Nice should automatically owe someone romantic interest whether Nice Guy or Nice Girl. And I don't think "Women only go for bar stewards" or "Men only go for bimbos". But I do think there's more at play in what attracts us to people than the noble qualities we aspire towards. I've read we often get attracted to qualities we associate with those who were role models for us growing up. So if you had a bit of a disfunctional youth (and, lets be honest, who doesn't?) there's going to be a bit of disfunction in those qualities too.

I know 2 but they're both terrified of women.

Personally I believe I struggle to meet someone decent because I have now learned about all the red flags over the years. Now at 43, I'm not prepared to accept the same behaviours as I did at 23 (back when there were lots of available men to choose from).
I dumped a few really lovely guys in my youth because their 'kind,nice,lovely' natures didn't do anything for me. I went for looks and a bit of a 'bad boy' and its come back to bite me now!
Sadly all those 'nice guys' are taken and I'm not prepared to date someone who treats me bad, even if he looked like Brad Pitt.
So, in short, my struggle to meet someone decent is hampered by my new found boundaries!

On the bright side, these men who are after your friends aren't nice blokes, and you've avoided them.

Yeah - but there's no men that don't do this. Hence why I say, there aren't any nice ones.

I've given up really. At work last week a perfectly nice (seeming) male colleague was talking to me at lunch. He asked if I "believe in equality between the sexes". What a strange thing to say. He then said he didn't think men should get paid as much as women, because "women get drinks bought for them on dates". Therefore any equal pay for equal work legislation is unfair.

So not only is this seemingly nice guy a sexist dinosaur, he feels free to express these views to a) a women and b) at work.

You might say this is just one guy, but every man I've ever known who seemed nice has come out with something just like it. Men hate women, they just do.

Not many but there is. I kissed a lot of frogs to find my prince but a prince I did find and we are absolutely each other’s equal, we adore each other and have the same morals and expectations.... expect nothing but get everything in return. You will find him when your not looking

My husband is decent but he is also a prick. So go figure.

My DH is proof that amazing men exist. I can’t quite put him into words! Although handsome, kind, considerate, thoughtful, fun and supportive would be a good start. There is a lot of trash in the pond but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still good guys out there.

I would say yes they are out there, but they're decent not perfect.
My dp is definitely a decent man, he is far from perfect, but he's perfect for me, we compliment eachother in personality and he is my best friend (very cliche I know)

He annoys the hell out of me sometimes, and I'm sure I do the same to him, and I'm under no illusion that I put up with things other women wouldn't. But as pp has said, everyone's bounderies are different.
I have always done the majority of the housework, which if you read threads on here, most users totally disagree with. I'm currently on maternity leave so it makes sense for me to now, but even working full time I did the bulk because I have a routine and he's slotted into my life, so it works for us.
He's big on online gaming and I lose him to his pc fairly regularly, which means I have control of the tv or the music that is playing in the house, but he always comes off if I ask.
He's also brilliant at taking over our son, he has expressed bottle feeds in the evening and my dp does those evening feeds so I can get on with dinner/have a nap.

Honestly - No.
There's a proviso in their world - That if they can get away with it, they (men) would absolultey cross any line/pull up a ton of red flags. You only have to read UKPUNTING to know none of use are safe and no man can be trusted. Protect yourself, your heart and your mental health and never believe anything they say ever. Always trust your instincts.

You know, this is really extreme, and in the past I'd of said similar to above posters, that I had a good one too. Also similar to above posters I found that out not to be true. Not UK punting but lies, gaslighting, abuse.

The only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope is my 22yr ds, and I'm not a "not my Nigel" type of mother, my eyes are OPEN. But so far he's decent, respectful and kind, and doesn't leer or ogle anyone.

I find myself very disillusioned with the male race and their attitudes towards women.

My exH is lovely and up for grabs if anyone wants him. He Will make a brilliant husband for someone who isn't me. Kind, faithful, solvent, tall, dark, good looking, great dad, intelligent, loyal and funny. Sadly, we stopped being in love but there are good men out there. It was his lack of initiative which killed it for me. He was into porn a bit but not in a big way.

I do have to laugh at people who says that their partners don't look at other women. Surely we ALL look at other attractive people? Its window shopping, as long as no one actually buys, then who cares? I notice hot men. My DP notices hot women. Big deal.

I do think that the vast majority of men, when faced with a naked woman in front of them, would go with it if they could guarantee that they wouldn't be caught. My exH wouldn't. But most men would.

So, it makes me wonder......if most men would, what would be better, hypothetically speaking? If a man was unfaithful to his partner and she never knew? OR if he was open with her about it so that there were at least no lies?

I wonder if the bar is higher if we're looking in later life? I wouldn't want someone who is "decent but a bit of a prick" (as a pp said about their dp) really. Or someone who is into gaming, or porn even a little bit.

Maybe our standards are too high the second time round. Our boundaries are better and our tolerances are lower. I think it infinitely preferable to be single than in these relationships.

Anyway, to answer the question: no I don't think so. Even the seemingly happily married ones hit on people like me. (yes they do and it's shit). And the ones in the dating pool range from full on pyschopaths to extremely avoidant people.

My friends who are coupled up (long term) put up with some crap in order to stay coupled up. I think I genuinely know only one person who is married to a lovely lovely guy. Then again, maybe the men put up with lots of crap from us women too.

Yes my DH 💓

And before the men start moaning, yes we are well aware there is probably a shortage of decent women too but that isn't what the OP asked!

Too late

Tbh, OP, I haven't met any either. Or rather, I might have, had I been willing to 'woman' properly.

I've found that most men are 'decent' and 'respectful' as long you are compliant, docile and willing to turn a blind eye.

As soon as you are a fully functioning human, though, that all changes. And I've found that to be fairly consistent regardless of social status; educational background; income; intelligence; interests and personal values.

I only know one man who I would describe as truly decent and he has been married for 20 years (he's 43 now).

I'm mid 40s and I'm no longer even looking and I have zero expectations of ever meeting anyone I'd consider relationship worthy.

Even the seemingly happily married ones hit on people like me. (yes they do and it's shit)

Totally agree with this!

The number of married men who have hit on me over the years - colleagues; dads at school; friends' husbands... absolutely shocking. And most of them hardworking, kind and decent family men. Men who do the majority of the housework and rarely go out. Men who are brilliant, involved dads and men who take their responsibilities as a husband and father very seriously. On the surface.

But also men who, when presented with a single 30/40something women they imagine might be desperate for a bit of male attention, reveal a rather less desirable side to themselves.

Put it like this, I know a few women who describe their 'wonderful' husbands as some women on here describe their 'wonderful' husbands and a fair few of them have tried it on with me.

And a last one from me, my biggest dating issue has been that I appear to be far more attractive to lots of married men than I ever have been to a single single one.

I think misogyny is deeply, deeply ingrained into the fabric of our society for both men and women. This permits or even encourages certain behaviour in otherwise decent people.

Also, no one is perfect. I've done some utterly awful things. I still try to be a good person and a good wife and mother.

I'm the mother of a son and a daughter and I worry much more about my son. He is an absolute darling boy, so sweet and gentle in nature. His innocence overwhelms me at times. I can't bear the idea of him growing up under the influence of the world we live in.

Yes, definitely. They just might not be who you expect. Keep searching!

Strange. I'm averagely attractive (nothing to write home about but not quasimodo either), was single for several years in my mid-30s and only one coupled-up man has ever made a pass at me.

I would have thought no based on my own experience but my sons treat their Gf wonderfully and my dad was lovely to my mum throughout their marriage. My DD has a lovely BF too.

At work though I work in an all male team and they are all married and with the exception of one of them the others talk about their DW in a way that makes it clear they would cheat if the person was right. One of them though says nothing but lovely things about his DW and had been married 15 years. So my assumption is there are a few out there but I suppose the same could be said about women too. I have decided to stay single as I don’t want to go through the roller coast of pain again.

Also I am attracted to not typically good looking men. In fact the opposite and yet they still treat you as if they are gods gift to women and you are lucky to have them. In fact both of them used the exact phrase “you’re lucky to have me aren’t you” and then one was emotionally abusive and the other made it clear he was looking for someone better after the love bombing period ended. It’s shit isn’t it.

Strange. I'm averagely attractive (nothing to write home about but not quasimodo either), was single for several years in my mid-30s and only one coupled-up man has ever made a pass at me.

Believe me, you're not missing anything!

Unless your post means that you don't believe it happens?

I'm sure it happens but I don't think it's as systematic as you're making out.

And I'm only 'averagely attractive' too. Hence getting very little interest from single men.

In the few years that I've been single, the only men I've dated, I've asked out. I've been actively pursued by 2 single men and about 10 married/attached men and that's not including the random married chancers who tried it on with everyone - like the landlord of my local or the DJ etc...

And I've found the married men are far more 'diligent' in their pursuits. They are the only ones who have ever tried to 'woo' me - apparently, you're supposed to be charmed by small token gifts that are simply designed to say, "I was thinking of you when I was at home with my wife".

Oh, and neither does it include the men who haven't actively pursued but who have made it clear that they'd be up for it if I was. No questions asked.