**trigger warning, mentions incest porn** I don't know how to deal with this

[robotsocks]

I apologise for this, but I can't talk to people in real life and I don't know what to do. Ive name changed obviously.

A few weeks ago we were having a clear out, DH went to the tip but left his phone at home. I picked it up to google something.
I can't remember now what I was googling or what popped up in the search bar that made me check his history, but I did.
I probably have checked his history at some point before, but I know he clears his history often because he tells me it's recommended, he's commented when hes seen my billion tabs etc.
The night before, he had spent the night downstairs with our youngest toddler (we have several children) to give me a break.
His history showed that he had watched some normal porn videos (I personally don't like him watching porn but that's not everyone's opinion I know) but he'd been visiting sort of sex stories online. The way they were written was disgusting, the way they talked about the women. Again, not the end of the world.
But he'd been looking at Incest stories. Ive got to stress there were no children involved, it was all adults. But the one that I can't get out of my head involved a man having sex with his sister, then his mother, his aunt was involved too and the thing is the names were literally letters away from our family members. Not using real names but the sister/our daughter were like Eliza/Elisabeth and they are both uncommon names, the mother/DH mother like Annie/Anna, the aunt like Rachel, DH sister is Rach
At first I honestly thought maybe he wrote it, that's how close the names are. I almost threw up.
We have had conversations in the past because his relationship with his mother had crossed some lines, even his family members had commented on it to me. She enjoyed the fact that they were sometimes mistaken for a couple. He assures me that it looks bad but there was no inappropriate contact between them.
I told my dad at the time because I asked DH to go stay at theirs, I couldn't even look at him for days. My dad basically said blokes do things like this, it doesn't mean anything, just fantasy etc.

I let DH back in, but my head is such a mess. There were no child abuse stories but does his interest in this make him a risk to our children?? Even if my Dad is right and men do shit like this, I don't believe that men are just animals with no self control so that excuse really pisses me off. He admitted masturbating to that story, I called him sick and I can't help it I still feel that way. We have been intimate since but even the thought of kissing him makes me sick to my stomach.
What the fuck do I do with this?

I hate video porn but read written porn regularly (I have also written a hard core novel). I can only speak for myself - obviously - but I've never considered acting out anything I've read about or my own writings. Complete fantasy world.

Ok, you’re grossed out. I completely understand and I would be too. But do you want to salvage the relationship and get back to a place where you feel like you can trust him? If so this is going to take a lot of communication.

If we assume this was linked to his experience growing up and not random fantasy porn searching... Would the fact that he was quite possibly emotionally and physically abused by his mother for years not leave the door open for some sympathy for how much that can impact a person psychologically?

If a father was controlling his daughter in the same way and she posted on these boards about how it’s left her confused sexually I think she’d get a ton of support.

If you can talk to him about it I think your idea of counselling is a good one.

Either way if you don’t have a good, thorough, truthful discussion you’ll never be able to get over it. You’re posting in September and this happened in July so you haven’t resolved anything by avoiding the talk.

I used to listen to a podcast called the mental illness happy hour and the host (I think his name is Paul Gilmartin?) would talk about how he is NC with his mum because of this sort of thing. And also he was quite frank about how it impacted some of his relationships. Not sure if that’s worth a listen for you or your DH.

Good luck OP

I’m usually quite when on threads like this people start claiming red flags everywhere (I think there’s a lot of reactionary responses on here sometimes)

...BUT...

OP this is SERIOUSLY troubling. Your DH has been sleeping alone in the basement with your toddler and whilst doing this has been searching for incest porn which appears to be referencing his own family members and masturbating. All whilst in sole overnight charge of your toddler in a basement.

I’m sorry OP. This is all extremely harrowing and alarming. Please, please, please seek help and advice from NSPCC/social services/police. This is NOT about whether you feel you can get past your husband’s porn proclivities, it is about the immediate need to safeguard your young children.

well, we don't have a basement. He was downstairs as in the livingroom. The downstairs bathroom is a hallway and kitchen away from the living room, 3 doors.

@DBML For what it's worth, I agree with you.

People keep referring to invest porn being popular/common but in my observation it's never "true" incest, it's always step.

Therefore not genetically related; taboo because of family relationships/intermarriage etc. but not genetic incest.

It's always hot "step mother, step daughter, (very common) step sister" .. developing from said female wandering around in skimpy clothing, showering etc in the same house.

I have quite honestly never seen 'real' related to each other/genetic incest on eg porn hub ..(of course I could've missed it and I certainly wasn't searching for it). It's always about step relatives .. which is why I find op's dp's behaviour disturbing and font think the "oh its common" is actually true.

*don't think

As an aside his mother clearly made him a substitute partber and is clearly somewhat fked in the head.
Glad he escaped her and feel sorry for the young him; but this is weird and disturbing (even if the names being similar is pure coincidence).

Wait hang on,can I ask why some PP's are making out like OP should do all the work and sort it out?

People have fantasies and kinks yeah, but some PP's are giving the impression that its something the OP needs to look into and somehow excuse him

If she doesn't feel comfortable with his "fantasies" then she doesn't feel comfortable END OF

@sparklymagpie I don't think the op is at a place she has any choice in what or if work needs to be done. I haven't read anyone support his actions,or herald his innocence.i agree,she doesn't have to feel comfortable. .she has to live with herself,her attitudes,and opinions...the dh is optional,but that's a huge stand to take. I think her dad was far more "understanding"than mine would have been. .that said,shes lucky she felt safe telling him...and he supported her action\reaction..
pp have given views,interpretations etc. ...theres been some pretty reasonable responses that contrast with my abhorrence of the thought(of incest). Id concede that make believe visual..or ficticious..fantasies aren't necessairily a sign of anything other than...fantasy....or stimulation on a level I fail to..want involved with.
I understand that reading a story\video watching doesn't make him incestuous( ...or my boyfriend\partner would be a full blown harcore lesbian for sure) OP says Had she seen dh with his mother\around her she would never have married him.which blows the fantasy being so close to already queried reality I utterly sympathasize with her discovering the history of entertainment.its disturbing,at best.. Her reservations were not introduced until fully commited.i imagine-the content,heightened by similar names is as close to "guilt" as she can stomach. on top of which shes doubt her interpretations of right and wrong..thats always a shit dance,no matter which tune s playing.

OP if your husband said to you that had you seen him with his mother before you married him you would not have married him that is the biggest red flag of all as it would suggest to me that he was involved in an incestuous sexual relationship with her.

I think you need to sit him down and ask him if this was the case and try and remain calm for as long as it takes to get the truth. Go ballistic afterwards by all means but you need to find out where the truth lies here before you can move on.

well, we don't have a basement. He was downstairs as in the livingroom. The downstairs bathroom is a hallway and kitchen away from the living room, 3 doors.

Sorry for the confusion. I misread one of your posts that said basement.

However, whether it was the basement or the ground floor, he was masturbating to incest porn whilst in charge of your toddler who you say was sleeping on the sofa whilst this was happening. OP, I’m not in the slightest trying to make you feel bad or finger-point here, I’m merely reflecting back to you the things you’ve already highlighted and trying to help you see it for the troubling scenario it appears to me to be. I really feel for you as this whole thing must be horrendous for you, and potentially for your DC’s.

I agree with ritmoratmo.
If I was in the same room as a child I wouldn't be looking for something to masturbate over whether it's incestuous or otherwise. The names thing is extremely troubling.
Please safeguard your family.

I agree with Ritmo-

please also do not listen to those on this thread who are claiming this is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Listen to your gut! Us Mama’s are very good at knowing if something is wrong- even if it has nothing to do with his family members (which I seriously doubt) he has crossed a line and your feelings of disgust are VALID!

You are under no obligation to accept your husbands kinks, this would be a boundary smasher in my marriage. There could be no return to a normal life and I could never see my husband in the same light again!

As much as some posters want you to believe that this is innocent or normal- your gut knows better! You know that this goes beyond anything you can accept! Please DO NOT force yourself to be intimate with your husband, your body feels disgust for a valid reason- mine would too! Just because you are married does not mean he is entitled to intimacy!