**trigger warning, mentions incest porn** I don't know how to deal with this

[robotsocks]

I apologise for this, but I can't talk to people in real life and I don't know what to do. Ive name changed obviously.

A few weeks ago we were having a clear out, DH went to the tip but left his phone at home. I picked it up to google something.
I can't remember now what I was googling or what popped up in the search bar that made me check his history, but I did.
I probably have checked his history at some point before, but I know he clears his history often because he tells me it's recommended, he's commented when hes seen my billion tabs etc.
The night before, he had spent the night downstairs with our youngest toddler (we have several children) to give me a break.
His history showed that he had watched some normal porn videos (I personally don't like him watching porn but that's not everyone's opinion I know) but he'd been visiting sort of sex stories online. The way they were written was disgusting, the way they talked about the women. Again, not the end of the world.
But he'd been looking at Incest stories. Ive got to stress there were no children involved, it was all adults. But the one that I can't get out of my head involved a man having sex with his sister, then his mother, his aunt was involved too and the thing is the names were literally letters away from our family members. Not using real names but the sister/our daughter were like Eliza/Elisabeth and they are both uncommon names, the mother/DH mother like Annie/Anna, the aunt like Rachel, DH sister is Rach
At first I honestly thought maybe he wrote it, that's how close the names are. I almost threw up.
We have had conversations in the past because his relationship with his mother had crossed some lines, even his family members had commented on it to me. She enjoyed the fact that they were sometimes mistaken for a couple. He assures me that it looks bad but there was no inappropriate contact between them.
I told my dad at the time because I asked DH to go stay at theirs, I couldn't even look at him for days. My dad basically said blokes do things like this, it doesn't mean anything, just fantasy etc.

I let DH back in, but my head is such a mess. There were no child abuse stories but does his interest in this make him a risk to our children?? Even if my Dad is right and men do shit like this, I don't believe that men are just animals with no self control so that excuse really pisses me off. He admitted masturbating to that story, I called him sick and I can't help it I still feel that way. We have been intimate since but even the thought of kissing him makes me sick to my stomach.
What the fuck do I do with this?

Can you find out if he did write the story ?

I would feel the same way you do OP.

If you feel that sick, why would you continue to sleep with him?

i dont think he did because there were no spelling mistakes. God that sounds rediculous.

@Sparklymagpie because hes my bloody husband and it was actually mid July it happened. I did it once and felt so wretched I havent done it again! What am I supposed to do? Do I divorce him? Wait? what?

I was only asking because if this was my husband and just the thought of him making me feel physically sick, and as you said the thought of kissing him,I wouldn't be sleeping with him. But maybe that's just me

I don't know what you should do.

That'd be too much for me

@SparklyMagpie I'm sorry for losing my cool.
I'm trying to get the kids sorted for back to school.
Posting has actually made me think maybe I'm not overreacting, maybe I need to look at finding some kind of couples therapy to work out if this is something I can't move on from.

Could he have submitted it for publication and then it was proof read/edited so the spelling mistakes are taken out but the names remain? It sounds like this is a likely scenario. You have to dig deeper to find this out surely? I would have to know the whole truth. Your spidey senses are already working overtime with his mothers behaviour so it's not that much of a stretch really.

If he didn't write it (so therefore didn't intentionally use your children's names) and it doesn't involve child abuse, no-one was hurt, it is just sexual fantasy - it doesn't mean he wants to actually act it out. His fantasies are his own personal business not really anything to do with you. I wouldn't divorce him over it. People have far worse sexual fantasies.

The thing I do find concerning is that he was minding your toddler while he read the story snd yet you say he had a wank over this story. I hope the toddler was in bed at that point!!

I don’t think you’re overreacting. That would be it for me I’m afraid. The fact that it happened a few weeks back and you’re still feeling the way you do speaks volumes. Your (justified) repulsion isn’t just a knee jerk reaction and I’m sorry but I don’t think this is ‘something that blokes just do’, particularly making the names so close to your families names. That would be the final nail in the coffin for me.
I guess you have to ask yourself, is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Can you live with this?

Norbert how would I find that out? Wpuld the website tell me?
@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad yes it is his business, but would you really want to have sex with someone who you knew fantasizes about having sex with their mother and sister???
The toddler was downstairs, he says he went to the bathroom.
This is so fucked up.

I don't care if it makes me pathetic or if people think its not my business, just telling people, saying it out loud in a way, has started me crying and there's a lump in my throat.

There’s a lot of porn about that implies incest, ‘stepmom’ ‘stepsister’, just on your big standard porn sites. So your dad could be kind of right in that there’s obviously a lot of interest in this so your husband probably isn’t a one off. That doesn’t make it right of course.

That there’s no children involved in these stories must be a relief but to me it would plant a seed in my head that seeing as incest was an ‘interest’ his own offspring might eventually be looked at in a sexual way. Not saying that this is the case at all but that would be it for me.

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I would feel the same I imagine.

I think you need to get booked in for some therapy and I would also try to dig deeper to see if he wrote that

I don't think it does mean he fantasises about his mum and sister, he was reading about someone else with their mum and sister. And while it's not great, I don't think a fantasy means he would want this to happen in real life.

It’s all very well saying these are fantasies. They are. But of course if you are repulsed by it, then you don’t have to get over it.

Lots of men engage with porn and fantasy, but the real test of them is the degree of engagement if they are in relationship. Writing or producing it reflects on their mindset. This man is a loser. Even if these fantasies weren’t repulsive, the chances that your sex life won’t be ruined by it are small. And you don’t want to be one of those women who stays together with her porn addled husband - that’s a ticket to resentment and a lesser life for you.

I don’t think you need people hectoring you about sleeping with him. I do think you need time and space to work out how you feel about this. Your dad telling you this is normal is also not helpful (and says more about him, sadly, than it does about other men he claims are like that). Lots of horrible things are normal. Doesn’t mean we have to like them.
Underpinning your dads remark is a belief you have to put up with thus if you want a man, and of course you have to have a man. Newsflash, dada - you don’t.

I think your disgust is..acceptable a reaction. i think the most distressing thing in your post is the bit about his own mum crossing lines
\comments others made.i dont actually think i want further definition on that. I think it sounds like You know in your gut,theres a problem there. ..just not how big\bad it is.

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but I do think I would feel the same as you. Couples counselling may be the way to go.
Also, him going to masturbate in a toilet, when your child is in his care would bother me immensely.

This is a very difficult situation, I can imagine you are feeling very uncomfortable, upset and worried about this.

It's such an incredibly sensitive issue and I agree I would feel quite sickened if I were in your position, it really does cross a line and I'm not sure how much of what your dad says about 'men do this sort of stuff' applies here because you are already uncomfortable about DH's relationship and past with his own mother.

It might appear as there are some deep routed issues with your DH and for you to both move on successfully from this - it needs to be addressed otherwise you'll never stop thinking about it or being in turmoil.

I think you would benefit from therapy, together and individually. Unless you feel you can both talk through together? I think that you have to deal with it and not brush it under the carpet (not suggesting you are) but you will never stop thinking about it if you don't come to a conclusion.

Very best of luck to you.

OP please don’t take this the wrong way but I think this is genuinely one of those cases where it doesn’t really matter what anyone else would think or do or whether they think you’re over reacting.

Fantasies can be disturbing, they really can. I read once it’s a common fantasy for women that they’re being raped. Anything that is taboo, illegal etc can appear more exciting. In that context the many people would say it’s a fantasy, it’s harmless. Equally many wouldn’t be able to get past it.

I think you need to explore whether you can, and that may take some time.

@robotsocks no worries and apologies, I've only just had my morning coffee whilst DS gives me 2 minutes peace lol. I wasn't trying to have a go :)

Tbh I know people have all sorts of of fantasies but this would be too much for me personally.
I also know porn is FULL of the step parent/step sibling set ups. But reading something like that, no I couldn't be with someone who was into it

And I'd be bloody furious if I'd found out my partner/husband whatever was doing this when looking after any child let alone my children

That's absolutely sick!!

Also OP, it doesn't really matter what any of us lot think or what we'd do

If it makes YOU feel uncomfortable etc then that's what matters, only you can decide whether you could carry on with something that makes you feel this uncomfortable

It's common for men to fantasise about sex with their mothers?

His mum would be pleased when out and about he was taken for her partner? Other family members had commented there was something funny with it all?

That's off the scale weird.

he accessed some porn and then he went to the toilet for a wank whole he was supposed to be looking after your child?! Wtf!

Yuk..... and he was supposed to be taking care of his child and looking at ANY porn during childcare is JUST GROSS.

I have no objection to porn generally, but incest would worry me a fair bit. I wouldn't assume it means he is dangerous.... he may have been abused as a child and has something "stuck" in his head about what happened. It doesn't mean he would be an abuser. And it could have been random.

But the porn during childcare... that would be the end for me without the incest business. WTF was he thinking? Any opportunity for a wank???

Unfortunately your dad is right. It’s a big category on porn sites and just seems to keep growing in popularity.
As a PP said, it’s a fantasy in terms of that it’s taboo. It doesn’t mean men and women actually want to shag their relatives.

However, I think the worrying thing (and this would be the dealbreaker for me) would be if he’d written it. Especially with the names.

It could go two ways

• he wrote it....I’d probably leave if I were you.

-he didn’t write it.....I’d stay with him.