**trigger warning, mentions incest porn** I don't know how to deal with this

[robotsocks]

I apologise for this, but I can't talk to people in real life and I don't know what to do. Ive name changed obviously.

A few weeks ago we were having a clear out, DH went to the tip but left his phone at home. I picked it up to google something.
I can't remember now what I was googling or what popped up in the search bar that made me check his history, but I did.
I probably have checked his history at some point before, but I know he clears his history often because he tells me it's recommended, he's commented when hes seen my billion tabs etc.
The night before, he had spent the night downstairs with our youngest toddler (we have several children) to give me a break.
His history showed that he had watched some normal porn videos (I personally don't like him watching porn but that's not everyone's opinion I know) but he'd been visiting sort of sex stories online. The way they were written was disgusting, the way they talked about the women. Again, not the end of the world.
But he'd been looking at Incest stories. Ive got to stress there were no children involved, it was all adults. But the one that I can't get out of my head involved a man having sex with his sister, then his mother, his aunt was involved too and the thing is the names were literally letters away from our family members. Not using real names but the sister/our daughter were like Eliza/Elisabeth and they are both uncommon names, the mother/DH mother like Annie/Anna, the aunt like Rachel, DH sister is Rach
At first I honestly thought maybe he wrote it, that's how close the names are. I almost threw up.
We have had conversations in the past because his relationship with his mother had crossed some lines, even his family members had commented on it to me. She enjoyed the fact that they were sometimes mistaken for a couple. He assures me that it looks bad but there was no inappropriate contact between them.
I told my dad at the time because I asked DH to go stay at theirs, I couldn't even look at him for days. My dad basically said blokes do things like this, it doesn't mean anything, just fantasy etc.

I let DH back in, but my head is such a mess. There were no child abuse stories but does his interest in this make him a risk to our children?? Even if my Dad is right and men do shit like this, I don't believe that men are just animals with no self control so that excuse really pisses me off. He admitted masturbating to that story, I called him sick and I can't help it I still feel that way. We have been intimate since but even the thought of kissing him makes me sick to my stomach.
What the fuck do I do with this?

As someone who reads a lot, the names on the story are likely irrelevant.

@DBML
This is what I'm thinking lol.

I'm sure the names were the last thing he was thinking about lol.

I'm not insinuating anything.
I meant it when I said I appreciate all the comments.
Different people, different opinions, different points of view.

I think it’s fair enough that fantasy is a private thing. But I do think that there is a fair bit of deluded thinking here as to the privacy aspect. It’s not as private as you might think - if you end up in trouble with the police for any reason, particularly for domestic crime like violence or stalking, the authorities are going to be interested in your porn habits, when you access it, whether you are accessing it when in the care of children. It’s not irrelevant to someone’s mentality - actually it is often very relevant.

It’s okay to take a critical eye about someone’s habits. We all do. Pornography use is revealing. There is no point in pretending otherwise. You are either relaxed about or not. But you don’t have to approve, and it’s ridiculous to pretend it’s a total matter of privacy if you are in a relationship.

@ohtheholidays I'm sorry that happened to you x

I think counseling is a good idea. Dealing with your (and his) childhood trauma is the best place to start. I don't think you'll be able to make a decision about the future without first doing this.

I'm not excusing it, but the story was about adults. If you google that kind of porn you may get information that will make you feel better. I'm no expert but for some people it's not fantasy as much as punishment for what has hurt them. Inappropriate guilt, maybe?

You'll be hypervigilant now, and to ever feel feel comfortable with each other again you both need to deal with all of it. It will be painful, but so is what you're going through now. And if what you suspect about his family life is true, he may be suppressing a lot of painful memories and feelings too.

I hope you find your way through this. 💙

Searching for incest porn would be very difficult for me to get past.
It's the incest part that's so sickening, isn't it. And that that is his interest.
Definitely would be a step too far for me I think. And I'm pretty liberal.

It’s possible that your husband has been the victim of ‘covert incest’ sometimes known as ‘emotional incest’ from his mother which is boundary crossing behaviour from the parent to a child. There’s a good book on this called Silently Seduced.

www.amazon.co.uk/Silently-Seduced-Revised-Updated-Children/dp/0757315879/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Unfortunately this kind of dysfunction can wire into your brain as a growing child and get fused into your sexuality. It has probably caused your DH a lot of shame.

That said, you are definitely entitled to draw a line under your relationship if/when you see fit - and your responsibility is of course to your child and not to your man.

Shit situation and you must feel sick about it. Hope you find a way through.

Also just to add, there is a podcast called the Mental Illness Happy Hour where ‘covert incest’ is discussed fairly frequently, there was a very recent episode interviewing a man who was a victim of this as a child. Might help to gather an overall understanding of the subject. Good luck.

I think your instincts are correct - it’s sick and disgusting to see that your DH has been searching for incest porn.

I think with his background, he has issues that need to be discussed with a professional.

The fact that you had sex with him “because he’s my bloody husband” demonstrates a power imbalance IMO. You shouldn’t have sex with someone feel sick about, just because you’re married.

I honestly don’t know if I would leave him. But I would absolutely not carry on as we were. This is too shocking and too disgusting, and too problematic given his background to ignore.

I hate to say it, but I’d worry about boundaries between him and his children, even though it was all adults in the porn. It just feels wrong on so many levels, that I couldn’t just be relaxed about it all.

I do agree with a PP that telling your dad about your DH’s darkest taboo fantasies is probably crossing a line. I would expect your DH to be massively pissed off about that.

Good luck

Also, for what it’s worth, I don’t consider myself a prude. I’d prefer my DP didn’t watch porn, because I am a feminist and I worry about a lot of the messages behind porn, but I accept that it’s a part of life and people will inevitably watch it.

It’s the incest that is the sticking point for me.

As cassette has posted about, my dh was a victim of emotional incest- the difference here is that he was utterly appalled by his Mother’s behaviour. We have been NC for many years now.

My MIL acted very much like a betrayed/ cheated upon wife, my dh would ask his dm if he could bring me over for the weekend (I would hear him asking as he was on the phone at the time and she would sweetly say of course) and when we arrived his dm would act like she had caught him cheating on her, screaming and shouting at him for bringing me into her home- how could he do that- she would also display her lingerie everywhere. Lingerie dh said was never up unless he brought a girl home to meet her. When she calmed down she would try to monopolise his time, demanding a foot rub, shoulder rub as only he could do it properly.

Then there was the fact that she had FIL threaten his ex’s and demand they stay away from their son. Oh and when she asked dh ‘why do you need a girlfriend, you have me’- that really messed with dh’s head! When we got engaged it was like a bomb went off in the family- she tried to lock him in the house to keep him away from me, he had to physically lift her out of the way so he could leave, she then told him it was me or her. Dh chose me so she pretty much disowned him. I could write so much more but the above is the most related to the emotional incest!

I would be physically sick in your shoes OP! Firstly it is completely inappropriate to be masturbating to porn in the vicinity of your toddler. Particularly when your dh chose porn with identical names to his own family members- including your little girl. Please contact the nspcc for advice on this, there could be a whole lot more disturbing content that he has accessed and frankly I would need to know that he hadn’t been fantasising about our children!

My dh was very embarrassed about the situation with his Mum, he did not reciprocate any incestual feelings. I would be very concerned that your dh may have underlying incestual feelings for his Mother. I would not want your MIL anywhere near your dc, you need counselling together and separately to work out the toxic dynamic of the toxic relationship dynamic in your dh’s family.

@SparklyMagpie if I like a video regardless of the title of it I'll watch it. Ffs I know it's bloody porn stars doesn't mean I want to fuck any parent or sibling!
OP maybe your partner liked a certain person in a video but couldn't remember their name so he tried searching for the video instead. Watching porn doesn't make him a pedo ffs.

@travellersglitch have you actually read my posts?

@travellersglitch I agree!

Its a pretty low standard for anyone if the best you can say if that they aren’t a paedophile when it comes to their porn habits.

*HulksPurplePanties

Just to chime in. As others have said, it is a pretty popular form of porn and doesn't necessarily mean he wants to shag his mum. It's like women who fantasize about rape (also very popular) don't actually want to be raped. It's about the taboo.

Obviously, you have every right to feel the way you want to about his porn use, but there is no need to be overly worried about it being incest porn or worried he wants to act it out*

This.

Sounds like it's al fantasy even if it's revolting it's only a tale. Something taboo something that you wouldn't do in real life.
We all have sexual fantasies but most of the time don't involve our family.
It's a shame for both of you as it's most likely harmless.
I'm just sad it upset you. I probably would have mock my husband no end but I have a different sensitivity to you.
You have two choices move on and take as tasteless but harmless or you consider your future with him.
Some people love porn or porn stories and a lot of them play scenarios like that.
Not sure why is a turn on but in my mind it's fantasy.

So you're saying if you're interested in sex or sex acts etc with kids you have certain porn you look at and certain porn you don't?
So incest porn. . What else?,
Rape scenes? Girl on girl? Young and old? Foot fetish porn? What other genre of porn videos make you an instant paedophile 🧐🙄

@Thornhill58 I 100% agree with you.. and would have mocked my OH also lol.

why are people talking about paedophiles? If Incest porn containing adults made me think he was a risk to dd it wpuldnt be until she was older? I dont think hes a risk to her? God this is just awful

"I dont think hes a risk to her?"

I agree.

@HereWEgoAGAINnamechange and @CassetteTapes your posts have been really really helpful. Ive just looked at covert incest and it is what was going on with DH. I didnt know the word for it, but she had made him a surrogate partner. They even had a puppy that she cradled like a baby all the time and called herself its mummy and my DH its daddy. Like "mummy will take you for a walk, go see daddy to get your dinner"

op I don't profess to be normal..to be honest,i don't even try to be. However, I have never had a conversation with a boyfriend or partner which included being "assured there was no sexual element"in relationship with their own mother! I cant actually imagine how hellish considering it as a possibility would feel. Porn sites can have all sorts of "no thankyou" stories which may appear through a search. term/ You have indicated his specific search was "incest" That,for me would be all the evidence required,whether he wrote it,read it and certainly if he admitted sexually gratifying himself "enhanced by it" .

In op
As far as I am aware incest stories are not illegal.