**trigger warning, mentions incest porn** I don't know how to deal with this

[robotsocks]

I apologise for this, but I can't talk to people in real life and I don't know what to do. Ive name changed obviously.

A few weeks ago we were having a clear out, DH went to the tip but left his phone at home. I picked it up to google something.
I can't remember now what I was googling or what popped up in the search bar that made me check his history, but I did.
I probably have checked his history at some point before, but I know he clears his history often because he tells me it's recommended, he's commented when hes seen my billion tabs etc.
The night before, he had spent the night downstairs with our youngest toddler (we have several children) to give me a break.
His history showed that he had watched some normal porn videos (I personally don't like him watching porn but that's not everyone's opinion I know) but he'd been visiting sort of sex stories online. The way they were written was disgusting, the way they talked about the women. Again, not the end of the world.
But he'd been looking at Incest stories. Ive got to stress there were no children involved, it was all adults. But the one that I can't get out of my head involved a man having sex with his sister, then his mother, his aunt was involved too and the thing is the names were literally letters away from our family members. Not using real names but the sister/our daughter were like Eliza/Elisabeth and they are both uncommon names, the mother/DH mother like Annie/Anna, the aunt like Rachel, DH sister is Rach
At first I honestly thought maybe he wrote it, that's how close the names are. I almost threw up.
We have had conversations in the past because his relationship with his mother had crossed some lines, even his family members had commented on it to me. She enjoyed the fact that they were sometimes mistaken for a couple. He assures me that it looks bad but there was no inappropriate contact between them.
I told my dad at the time because I asked DH to go stay at theirs, I couldn't even look at him for days. My dad basically said blokes do things like this, it doesn't mean anything, just fantasy etc.

I let DH back in, but my head is such a mess. There were no child abuse stories but does his interest in this make him a risk to our children?? Even if my Dad is right and men do shit like this, I don't believe that men are just animals with no self control so that excuse really pisses me off. He admitted masturbating to that story, I called him sick and I can't help it I still feel that way. We have been intimate since but even the thought of kissing him makes me sick to my stomach.
What the fuck do I do with this?

I would feel very disturbed about this too. I really wouldn't like the thought that whilst looking after your children he was reading porn and going off to masturbate in a toilet. That's not what I would regard as being present whilst caring for a child. It's just not appropriate and quite revolting.

I'm not sure it can be assumed that fantasy converts into reality - but clearly on occasion it does. My XH had teen porn on his computer and for some very dark moments I wondered whether he had abused my little girl. In the end I didn't believe so but it changed my view of him - but it's hard to disentangle that fact on its own since he had also been having an affair and visited a prostitute.

What can any of us say but express our sympathy with you. It's a very difficult situation and I personally would feel like you. Couples counselling is a way forwards but only you can decide whether you can live with it. It really depends what your DP says and does now and how the counselling enables you to process your feelings and determine the way forwards.

This isn't just about porn though is it?

We have had conversations in the past because his relationship with his mother had crossed some lines, even his family members had commented on it to me. She enjoyed the fact that they were sometimes mistaken for a couple. He assures me that it looks bad but there was no inappropriate contact between them

It's the backstory to this that takes this from 'just porn' to a whole other level.
He has serious boundary issues....and his mother could well have abused and groomed him into this attitude and behaviour.

The disturbing red flags are staring you in the face - and yet everyone is brushing it under the carpet.

My dad basically said blokes do things like this, it doesn't mean anything, just fantasy etc
Did you ask you Dad point blank whether he has sexual fantasies about you and other family members?
I know you didn't. You should have though
Cos this is NOT normal and most blokes DON'T do this.

This doesn’t mean that he actually fantasises about his mother and sister. Some people enjoy incest poem for the perversity but wouldn’t touch their own family with s barge pole.

It’s fantasy. Men detach from reality when watching porn.
I have some unusual preferences myself, none of which I would engage with in reality.
It does not make your husband a risk to your children any more than if he was watching normal pornography.

Your husband is entitled to fantasise. He hasn’t hurt anyone in real life and I kind of feel sorry for him that you’ve intrudes on his fantasy and shared it with your family. It’s a complete over reaction.

It’s true that if it bothers you it bothers you. Then make a decision as to whether you want to be with your husband. I think the problem here is yours though and not his. I think you owe him an apology.

But as I said above Boggles, it’s a fine line when you know stuff like this to losing attraction for someone, I do appreciate some women wouldnt care, but for a lot of women attraction to someone is an all round kind of thing, looks, morals, views, behaviour etc.

@SavingSpaces2019 exactly.
DH claimed not to have noticed the names were almost identical to our daughter, his sister and mother but I'll never know if thats true.

The thing is though, when men watch or read porn are they actually taking it literally? Was my DH reading a story about a guy having sex with his sister and mother... Or was my DH actually picturing himself having sex with his own sister and mother.
I hate that he has put these thoughts in my fucking head! I'm so sick of hearing bullshit excuses from men for their shitty behaviour and now I'm stuck in the middle of this insane scenario.
Its like life is going on almost as normal around me but ive got this dirty secret. I cant tell anyone in real life because they would never look at him the same way again. Part of me feels that is the answer right there, if I feel its that bad.
How can he have done this ? I was abused by a family member as a child and for other reasons related to things ive had to go through with my ex recently (who is father to 2 of my children) its just unfucking believable that he would do this.

You are really overthinking this.

Was my DH reading a story about a guy having sex with his sister and mother... Or was my DH actually picturing himself having sex with his own sister and mother
I think a bit of both. Perhaps fantasising that he was another man with different relations so not actually explicitly fantasising about his own

How is she overthinking this DBMIL?
Her husband had an inappropriate relationship with his mother - to the extent that it was commented on by other family members.

THAT backstory shines a different light on his current behavior.

WITHOUT the backstory it would be slightly different.

You are really overthinking this That is for the OP to decide and live with that decision.

OP I think you are not going to get the answers you need here, some people are fine with any kind of porn use, others are more conservative and most fall in the middle somewhere between those two points and really it doesn't matter what "we" as a collective think it is you that has to live with this. I would recommend a session with a therapist if you can, there is a lot to unpick here, not just his porn use and the lack of boundaries with his mother but your own feelings about your past abuse and if it is colouring how you feel about this issue and if you have appropriate boundaries for what is acceptable to you. Whatever you decide I wish you well, take care.

Jesus @DBML I should apologise?
All the rest of it aside, finding out the man I have children with is searching for incest porn, damn right I'm looking into that! Fucking irresponsible not to.
I should apologise for turning to my dad when I discovered my husband wanking over incest porn that had almost exactly our daughter's name? I nearly fucking threw up on my bedroom carpet.
Awesome for you that you would handle that differently.

I'm honestly not sure if he would have been taking it literally, I'd like to say no, but there's no way of ever really knowing because we're not inside his head.

I do think it's odd, with porn videos I'm sure a lot of people just click to watch and don't care much about the title. But he was reading erotica and I feel like if you're reading a story it's different because you have to create the image in your head from what your reading. I certainly wouldn't be into reading about fucking one of my brother's or someone else doing it. I also wouldn't be comfortable with DP doing it.

I don't envy you op, it's a really shit situation youve found yourself in. I don't think it makes him a risk to your children, I think that's a bit of an over exaggeration but I can see why people are saying it. I hope you find a solution that makes you happy.

I would not be leaving this man alone with your children.

I do wonder if he or someone else wrote the story for him. The names are to much of an c

How can he have done this ? I was abused by a family member as a child

That is heart of the matter really, OP do you feel that in his preference for this kind of porn that he is minimizing what happened to you as a child? It must feel like another violation that this awful thing happened to you and now your partner views this kind of porn for his own curiosity/entertainment/gratification. (And before anyone starts in that the incest porn is "not real" just labelled that way and performed by actors, well duh, and the fact is that it is being labelled that way for those interested in fantasying about that taboo)

1. What was this inappropriate relationship with his mother? How was it ‘inappropriate’? Being close or tied to apron strings isn’t close. His mother being flattered people think she looks like she could have a boyfriend her son’s age isn’t inappropriate. You make it sound like he’s having sex with his mother and he’s already had the embarrassment of being asked this directly. He said he wasn’t. Where’s this sordid back story?

1. It’s HIS private fantasy which he is entitled to. As long as he doesn’t hurt anyone, it’s a non issue. If my husband confronted me about my fantasy and told his parents, I’d be kicking HIM out.

1. Thinking the children are at risk because he’s looked at a popular category of porn is an overreaction. Incest stories are a dime a dozen. It might be a bit of a tasteless topic for many people, but it’s nothing more than something a bit taboo to jack off to. It’s meaningless.

He watches incest porn with character names very similar to his family....he’s had to reassure you he hasn’t had sex with his mother??? I’m positively agog reading this! I’d find it very hard to look at him!

If someone intruded in my fantasy by snooping through my phone and then told my parents, I’d be pissed.
And I’d expect an apology.
You’ve gone way over the top.

What is it exactly that led to him denying he and his mother didn’t have a sexual element to their relationship? I guess all of that gives all the context on whether or not you have something serious to worry about. Did specific things happen, or did you witness? You could tweak the details for anonymity.

So sorry OP I don’t think I’d be about to continue the marriage.

@DBML she didn’t tell HIS parents, she talked to HER dad about it.

@Felix

Even worse.

I do appreciate everyone's comments, even the ones I don't agree with.
The conflicting comments kind of echo some of my conflicting feelings.
@DBML I'm really sorry this has struck a nerve with you. I do find it interesting though that you think I was out of order telling my own father, but think I should go into detail about his mother online.
For what it's worth, there is a difference between family members being close, and family members behaving in a way that makes other people uncomfortable. Behaviour doesn't need to be overtly sexual to be inappropriate.
This is just batshit.

@DBML You think that me telling my dad, was worse than telling my MIL he'd been wanking to a story of a guy fucking his mother WITH HER NAME (one letter difference)
What planet are you on?

I’m not sure what you’re trying to insinuate.

Look, you posted asking for opinions. I gave you mine. When you’ve calmed down and had a chance to think, you might actually see my point (or at least some of it) and it might help you forgive your husband, for the perceived ills.

If everyone said LTB, you’d feel ashamed staying with him.
He really hasn’t done anything wrong and my view is that everyone is entitled to their private fantasies, without fear of humiliation.

I hope you manage to see this for what it is and are able to get on with your life.

I don't understand why if the thought of kissing him making you feel like that why you would have sex with him... I know you say "but he's my husband..." So?

Also.. It was a porn story, he got off on it. He's not about to go have sex with his mum and sister and aunt.
Incest porn is very popular- don't ask me why but it is. It's on every porn site for a reason.
Don't look into it so much. I'm sure he's looked at worse and he's deleted it before you've seen lol.

Men AND WOMEN look at all sorts for fantasy or fetish.
That's all it is.
He is no way a risk to your kids being he had a wank to a taboo porn story.

For me it would be the end of the relationship,the incest porn is bad enough,but the fact that he admitted getting of to it when the names were not only so close to his own Mum's and Sisters but that of his own Daughter and he wanked to this porn whilst looking after your young son.

I wouldn't want him or trust him anywhere near my DC!

I was abused for years as a young child OP and I wouldn't have been if my parents had paid attention to the bad feelings they had about someone,I would be removing him from the house today and I'd be speaking to the NSPCC about my worries as well.