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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First date and embarrassment

159 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 17:23

So went on first date, seemed a nice guy, he wanted to kiss me in the pub but people were around and I didn't want an audience so we went to a quiet area. Anyway the kiss was fab.
When we said goodbye by my car we kissed again and he got a stiffy (fair enough), he was embarrassed to walk to his car, people were around with it being quite a large car park, could have been kids but I wasn't sure. For some reason, he had to show me that he had a stiffy and put my hand on it over his jeans.
We did the normal texting when we got home, saying we enjoyed the date etc and I said that I was a bit embarrassed he did that. He said that he should not have done it and that he was sorry and hoped he'd not screwed it up.
Feel a bit [shocked] and a bit annoyed!
Should I lighten up, how would it make you feel?

OP posts:
IamtheOA · 31/08/2019 18:46

Actually, as soon as I typed that, I started to ask myself at what age someone " wouldn't know better" ...... even most toddlers know not to do that

Limt · 31/08/2019 18:48

I remember this happening when I was sixteen, but not since. 42 you say?

Roselilly36 · 31/08/2019 18:49

Surely you aren’t considering seeing him again OP? I dread to think what his next trick might be. Huge red flag.

gilliansgardenbench · 31/08/2019 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rachelover40 · 31/08/2019 18:54

When I read your opening post, I thought the guy was probably a teenager. 42 year olds don't generally behave like that! It was quite shocking.

I wouldn't phone the police but do block him, Lovey. You can do without someone like that.

NoodlesMcGee · 31/08/2019 18:56

Also OP - note the double-standards of him mentioning this other woman who sent him nudes, when he physically made you touch him. Why mention her / nude photos on your date at all?

Alarm bells ringing.

He's probably one of these "I'm such a nice guy" types, who turn out to be nothing of the sort.

You should leave a first date with butterflies and be giddy thinking about seeing the other person again. Not confused about a weird encounter.

Don't compromise your boundaries for kindness or second chances with this one.

HollowTalk · 31/08/2019 18:56

You don't need to call the police but you do need to send him a message saying "Best if we call it a day now. I didn't appreciate you pushing my hand onto your erection. If you can't control yourself then stay indoors on your own."

Then block him immediately.

TheCatsACunt · 31/08/2019 19:01

I just think it's so gross to do it in a pub car park, there were definitely people around as I could hear them

I think it’s so gross for two grown adults to snog in pubs like teenagers, and discuss being turned on.

Ick.

Redshoesandtheblues · 31/08/2019 19:05

I would not bother the police.

But I'd 'police' my own boundaries in this matter.
How much did it really bother you?

You were willing to snog in a pub, and up against his car. Maybe you gave mixed messages and he chanced his arm. Or something. Wink

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 19:07

FFS people are just making things up now....

OP posts:
HattieMcNastie · 31/08/2019 19:07

I can't believe people are saying all the police.

He was obviously just trying it on a bit. I would have laughed. I'm a woman and have done the same or maybe worse on a tipsy date.

Did you feel scared or forced? Did he continue to hold your hand there when you pulled back?

If no, its just him trying his chances and being told no.

It's not assault and its an insylult to women who have been genuinely assaulted.

HobbyIsCodeForDogging · 31/08/2019 19:08

Snogging in the pub and the pub car park and a guy putting your hand on his jeans or whatever to feel his boner is all very teenage type stuff. I thought you might say 21/22 at most, not 42!

Yes, move on. This is absolutely not a police matter. It's not much wonder the force is so overstretched if some people would go to the police for every slight against them or every time someone overstepped a boundary. I'd far rather the police were left for serious matters, not having to do paperwork because some 42 year old still acts like he's 16.

Lunafortheloveogod · 31/08/2019 19:12

Its grim, there’s a reason he’s very single.

  1. wouldn’t have snogged him after he spoke about another date and her nudes.. that’s basically a will you send me some? Of course he doesn’t like it from women he hasn’t met but he’s met you now.
  1. Unfortunately there’s a number of men who won’t believe the “I don’t do sex on the first date” thing.. more so after mentioning you’re turn on.
  1. Some men are stuck as weird teenagers where they’re still rather proud of their bits doing things and must announce or show it.. they’ve been told off before it rarely works or helps, infact some probably like it being “wrong”.
  1. You don’t have to message him again, he’s 42 if he had a single shred of respect he wouldnt have made you touch his genitals in a public
  1. He wanted a quick shag.

Run.

Arnoldthecat · 31/08/2019 19:14

I am a man though my name is not Arnold....I would have to say that i probably wouldnt feel empowered enough to kiss a female on a first date let alone celebrate an erection with her !

FFS what is going on? I thought first dates were about saying hi,getting to know eachother,having a meal/some fun ?

The closest id get is a reassuring hug. Maybe ive been missing out all these years and should fast forward to the erection inspection?

scoobydoo1971 · 31/08/2019 19:17

He didn't slap his willy out on the pub table for your perusal alongside the salted peanuts, but it is very clumsy behaviour from a man of his years. I speculate he isn't mind-blowing in bed if that is his warm up technique. He just thought you would be turned out by his arousal and change your mind about sex, which is what he was after. No man who wants to sincerely court you as a potential partner would behave this way. They may want to ravage you lustfully, but will fight the urge to give a good first impression. His lothario routine may have worked on someone, at some stage in his dating history. Just chalk this up to experience, and don't get to kissy kissy in public with first dates, as some men don't understand boundaries sadly.

KUGA · 31/08/2019 19:17

He`s a 42 year old wanker .
Avoid at all costs.
I think he could be dangerous.

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 19:19

I feel really stupid now because I didn't even want to kiss him in the pub but I went ahead and did it. I need to think about why I ignored my instincts and act differently next time.
I'm not calling the police, it's not something I thought of doing. I just feel ashamed that he did that in the car park in front of people. He's now blocked.

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 31/08/2019 19:23

Don't feel stupid because you're not. People can be horrible and it's not always obvious until you've gone along with it.

Chalk it up as a useful lesson in listening to your gut and be glad that your spidey senses are in good working order - just Pau attention to them in future!

Dawninglory · 31/08/2019 19:29

That's good Op, he sounds like a bit of a chancer.
Sometimes when people ask for a kiss you think not yet I don't really know you, but then you think it's just a kiss I don't want to appear to be a frigid old maid do I?! If you don't feel comfortable don't do it, if the guy likes you he'll wait. 😊

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 19:31

Thank you SleepWarrior

OP posts:
gilliansgardenbench · 31/08/2019 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bobbins19 · 31/08/2019 19:34

Did you literally use the words "I don't SHAG on the first date "

If so neither of you sound very classy Hmm

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 19:35

No, I said I don't have sex on the first date.

OP posts:
Zakana · 31/08/2019 19:39

Agree that he has been incredibly gauche, immature and needy. Just tell him, block him and chalk up to experience, don’t believe the rozzers are needed on this occasion, but just eewwwww, 🤢. Wouldn’t do a lot for me, his clumsy attempts at romance! I might have cupped his balls gently, then squeezed until his eyes popped out, whilst yanking upwards.....he might think twice in future. Move on OP and don’t let it put you off looking.

TheCatsACunt · 31/08/2019 19:39

How did you even get on to the subject of sex?