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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First date and embarrassment

159 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 17:23

So went on first date, seemed a nice guy, he wanted to kiss me in the pub but people were around and I didn't want an audience so we went to a quiet area. Anyway the kiss was fab.
When we said goodbye by my car we kissed again and he got a stiffy (fair enough), he was embarrassed to walk to his car, people were around with it being quite a large car park, could have been kids but I wasn't sure. For some reason, he had to show me that he had a stiffy and put my hand on it over his jeans.
We did the normal texting when we got home, saying we enjoyed the date etc and I said that I was a bit embarrassed he did that. He said that he should not have done it and that he was sorry and hoped he'd not screwed it up.
Feel a bit [shocked] and a bit annoyed!
Should I lighten up, how would it make you feel?

OP posts:
Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 18:02

If I send him a whatsapp and then immediately block him will he still see it?

OP posts:
ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 31/08/2019 18:03

It is possible that he thought (hoped) you wanted to move to somewhere more private so he could do exactly that. Not that you could be expected to know or predict that train of thought! I'd avoid him in future.

proseccoaficionado · 31/08/2019 18:03

Bleurgh. Run. Fast.

SleepWarrior · 31/08/2019 18:04

Yes, there is porn, sexting etc but it doesn't mean it's OK to inflict that on those that haven't indicated they are up for it. And this is a step further than those things.

Saying you merely felt embarrassed by what was essentially someone's else's inappropriate sexual advance seems like a massive undereaction to me.

It puts the problem as yours, not theirs. Embarrassed is when he pays you a compliment and you're not used to accepting them and end up feeling silly. I suppose you might feel embarrassed by a horrible flasher, but if you choose to focus on that it completely ignores the cause of the embarrassment which was their awful and unsolicited sexual conduct.

So I don't think embarrassment is even relevant. He made you touch his genitals! Really surprised at the suggestion to go on another date from a pp to be honest.

MattBerrysHair · 31/08/2019 18:05

I'd call the police but that's just what I'd do personally. If you don't want to then that's fair enough. I've been at the receiving end of such behaviour in the past and didn't call them out on it as I was too worried about 'causing a fuss' and being impolite. If it were to happen to me in the future I'd report it for the behaviour it is as defined by UK law: sexual assault.

Silverman · 31/08/2019 18:06

Can I ask why you feel you need to send him a message? I would just block and forget all about it.

If you do send a message I'd tell him what a ville, creep he is.
You do realise this is something you could tell the police about. Of course you don't need to but I'm just trying to show you how serious it is.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 18:06

Well I shall say lighten up. You were snogging him, talking about being turned on, told him you didn't want sex, I don't see any real issue that he moved your hand down there, he hardly forced you and you could have pulled your hand away. Personally I would not have had an issue if I'd taken it that far, But I'd also not be moving to a quiet area in a pub to snog someone I'd just met and telling him how he was turning me on.

Silverman · 31/08/2019 18:07

.... I'm actually getting angry for you!

18TilIDie · 31/08/2019 18:08

Please don't see him again, horrible and inappropriate. On a first date, that's wholly unacceptable behaviour.

TwentyEight12 · 31/08/2019 18:09

May I suggest you give yourself some time to digest it all before making a decision. May I suggest that you talk to some of your friends in real life before taking the word of several strangers on a forum you have never met before?

It is looking like you have no belief in your own feelings or decisions. Please step back a little and listen to your own gut and instincts.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 18:09

You do realise this is something you could tell the police about. Of course you don't need to but I'm just trying to show you how serious it is.

What? This is mind boggling. I can't even imagine you wrote that with a straight face.

Hi officer, so I met this guy in a pub for a first date. He wanted to snog so I moved to a quieter area of the pub, snogged his face of and told him how much he was turning me on.

I then got in his car and snogged him some more. He moved my hand down over his erection, he didn't force it, and I could have removed my hand or stopped it at any time. I think it's a sex crime and want to report him.

Cmon now. That can't be serious.

Silverman · 31/08/2019 18:09

Bluntness100 just like to say that when I have snogged a date for the first time I haven't shoved their hand in my knickers because it's inappropriate and I know the boundaries

LemonAddict · 31/08/2019 18:09

Tbh I’d want to report it to the police, but I probably wouldn’t, and the response from Bluntness is a perfect demonstration of why reporting of rape and sexual assault is so low in this country.

SleepWarrior · 31/08/2019 18:10

"Really not interested in seeing someone again who thinks it's ok to massively overstep sexual boundaries on a first date and then just apologise after the fact. I know I said I was embarrassed but that's not even the point - what you did was NOT OK. Goodbye."

I don't know about police, only you were there to know whether he was just an idiot who had convinced himself you might like that or whether he was intent on having you touch him regardless. For me that would decide whether to tell the police. But no way would I be seeing him again and I would be sending him that message to let him know why.

Hoodiesallsummer · 31/08/2019 18:11

I wouldn’t have liked it and I would send a text saying I don’t want to see him again. The police wouldn’t have entered my head.

Silverman · 31/08/2019 18:11

I didn't say go to the police. Jesus.
Sounds a bit like you're saying anyone who gets into such a situation deserves it, probably she was wearing a skirt so was up for it Hmm

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 18:11

He didn't shove or force her hand in his underwear. Ffs.
She never said that. And she could have stopped it at any time. She was telling him how turned on she was, he showed her how turned on he was. There was no force. This was not sexual assault.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 18:13

I really can't believe people ar comparing this to rape and suggesting the police 😱

Silverman · 31/08/2019 18:13

Bluntness100 missing the point. The OP felt uncomfortable therefore what happened was inappropriate. For someone to make another person uncomfortable in the context of consent is not on.
Men know what they are doing and some push it which is not on.

Silverman · 31/08/2019 18:14

Not comparing it to rape. We're trying to show that old fashioned attitudes towards women ensure men get away with many things sexually.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2019 18:15

I agree if she felt uncomfortable then it as inappropriate and he read the signs wrong. I do not agree it's a police matter or comparable to rape

AriadneCrete · 31/08/2019 18:17

I wouldn’t call the police but I definitely wouldn’t see him again. I don’t even think you need to message him, just block and delete.

MattBerrysHair · 31/08/2019 18:17

Bluntness100

Who has compared it to rape? It was non-consensual sexual contact which is sexual assault.

RelaisBlu · 31/08/2019 18:17

He's 42?? I was imagining some gauche teenager!

Original poster
loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2019 18:19

OK some of you don't seem to follow. I kissed him in the pub, I told him it turned me on in the pub, I told him I don't shag on the first date in the pub. I did NOT get in the car, we kissed outside the car, he DID force my hand there, and i DID pull away. Thanks to the people who have left supportive comments.

OP posts:
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