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Relationships

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Original poster

BF secret vasectomy

136 replies

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:09

my self and my boyfriend have been together for a year he has kids from a previous relationship and I have one. we have discussed having one more between us in the future but not anytime soon. Anyway I just found out he went behind my back and got a vasectomy. I feel like my world has crashed down around me and am completely torn as to what to do it how to react. I obviously love him and want to be with him but I don't know if I could be with someone that deceived me about something so important. would love some advice I'm so conflicted. thank you

OP posts:

sunshinesupermum · 29/08/2019 15:15

How can you ever trust him now. Such an important issue and he does that. Don't waste any more time with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2019 15:18

I don't know if I could be with someone that deceived me about something so important.

I couldn't. Because this is a premeditated choice to continue to lie to you about something fundamental over time. And take your choices away from you. Was he planning on telling you when it was 'too late' or just lie forever?

Mum4Fergus · 29/08/2019 15:18

I totally get your disappointment and loss of trust, but at the end of the day, it's his body/his decision.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2019 15:19

He is free to make this decision, and you are free to decide to end the relationship because of it. If you feel your trust in him is gone, you need to end it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2019 15:20

it's his body/his decision.

That's not the point. The point is that he's lied, not that he's had a vasectomy. When he's telling the OP they will have a baby together.

Original poster

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:20

I completely agree that's it's his body and his decision but if he had the decency to discuss this with me beforehand handling it now wouldn't be so difficult to get over now.

OP posts:

Jesaminecollins · 29/08/2019 15:21

Sounds like he has decided he doesn't want any more children. If you do want children you might have to look around for a new partner.

Original poster

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:22

I basically guessed what he had done and took two full days of me thinking I was being paranoid for him to eventually admit it

OP posts:

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 29/08/2019 15:23

I would find this too much of a betrayal. Only you know whether you could get past this.

Original poster

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:25

and that's it I feel totally betrayed he sold me the dream of having one more between us when I didn't want any when we first got together and I fell for it hook line and sinker

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 29/08/2019 15:26

It does seem bizarre to just up and do that. When did he do it?

His sometime in the future might have been just a vague answer for him.

If you want more children, I don't think there is anymore you can do than end this and try to find someone else who wants DC.

cees · 29/08/2019 15:26

If you want more children and he knows that then he was selfish to do it without telling you first. I dont think i could forgive the way he went about it all.

CleopatraTomato · 29/08/2019 15:29

Good for him for doing it but not for lying. He has kids already, one more would affect them, (financially, emotionally), and you have one already. He might be worried that you would "forget" your pill or that there would be a "contraceptive fail" and he would suddenly be in a position he didn't want to be. Since you have only been together a year and you have both agreed there is no question of kids yet he may not see it as relevant.

But yes, the dishonesty would be a dealbreaker for me too.

curiouslypacific · 29/08/2019 15:33

If he's bareface lied to you about that what else has he lied to you about?

I'd never trust him again, so the relationship would be done, regardless of whether I could accept not having more kids. Trust and respect are my two non-negotiables in a relationship. Either of them are gone? Game over.

Original poster

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:36

@CleopatraTomato I did mention was that a worry of his and he said no. I know I would eventually come to terms with not having more kids it just would have been nice to have that option. I am 30 and he is 40 so I do understand the theory behind it I just feel so raw and hurt and the moment that I can't see how we can ever be the same again

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2019 15:45

If you're 30 he could string you along for a couple of years then 'try' for a few, then you have no choices left. I don't think knowingly removing someone else's fundamental life choices is something forgivable.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 15:51

I feel quite concerned that you’ve both discussed all of this and you feel like your world is crashing down around you after only being with this person for a year.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2019 15:52

He deceived you, when was he planning to tell you? He probably wasn’t and was going to pass off not getting pregnant as bad luck. There’s no coming back from this.

AmIThough · 29/08/2019 15:56

@Jellybeansincognito why would it be weird after a year? She knows she loves this man and they discussed children in the future.
She saw them having a future, and a child, and he let her believe it would happen.

@Belles22 it's such a shame. Did you desperately want another child or did you think you'd like to have a baby with this man but it wasn't necessarily a NEED?

If the child wasn't a dealbreaker, has he explained why he chose not to discuss the vasectomy? Or even just say 'actually I don't want any more kids'?
Do you think you could trust him again?

Original poster

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:56

@Jellybeansincognito as I said above he sold me the dream we took this at his pace. But thanks for pointing that out

@AgentJohnson he told me he was getting a cyst removed so I can only imagine he would have concocted up a story about there being complications somewhere down the line

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 15:58

It’s extremely intense after a year to say that your world is falling apart around you after he’s sterilised himself in secret.

Doesn’t seem right to me, that’s ok?

Original poster

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 16:00

@AmIThough no desperately no but really thought of what life would be like with another. He did say even if we did discuss it before hand he would have done it anyway and I think thats fair enough

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:00

But that’s weird too! You’re supposed to fall in love with a person, not the ‘dream’ they’re spinning you.

It just seems awfully intense after a year, I dunno. Perhaps it’s the words you’ve used to describe how you’re feeling? They’re pretty hard hitting.

It’s been a year, you’re not tied to this person forever, gosh I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years and know how true that is myself.

Your partner of a year has been sterilised, the world hasn’t ended. You’re right to be a bit annoyed he did this in secret, but the rest is a bit concerning to me.

Original poster

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 16:02

@Jellybeansincognito the length of time we have been together is actually irrelevant here.

OP posts:

Myriade · 29/08/2019 16:04

He lied to you. How wil you ever be abel to trsut he isnt going to do something that works for him but moght be a deal breaker for you (or ill have massive effects on your life - like the vasectomy)?

The issue here is that he broked the trust between you and no ampunt of love is going to repair that.

You are only 30yo. Dont stay in a relationhsip where your partner has no respect for you.

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