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Original poster

BF secret vasectomy

136 replies

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:09

my self and my boyfriend have been together for a year he has kids from a previous relationship and I have one. we have discussed having one more between us in the future but not anytime soon. Anyway I just found out he went behind my back and got a vasectomy. I feel like my world has crashed down around me and am completely torn as to what to do it how to react. I obviously love him and want to be with him but I don't know if I could be with someone that deceived me about something so important. would love some advice I'm so conflicted. thank you

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:05

I really don’t think it is to be honest, you gave the information.

He doesn’t owe you anything, he obviously doesn’t value your opinion or feelings as much as you do his.

CleopatraTomato · 29/08/2019 16:07

OP that is very hard. (I had a BF/DP avoid having kids for seven years having always promised we would - I left. luckily had DC with another man later but ex BF never did have kids).

I am sorry this happened to you OP and hope that you can find someone worthy of you soon

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:07

You’re taking the relationship age quite personally in a negative way-
I was hoping it might wake you up a bit?

You’re 30, he doesn’t owe you anything, you don’t owe anything to him. It’s only been a year, your not really lost much.

You clearly have more care and respect for him than he does you- which is a pretty clear power imbalance, for such an intense relationship in such a small amount of time, if that wasn’t concerning that would be more of an issue.

AmIThough · 29/08/2019 16:08

@Jellybeansincognito how can you possibly know whether you want to be with someone if you don't know what they want from their future?

Wheelerdeeler · 29/08/2019 16:09

He lied.

He made a big decision that would impact your life too without discussing it with you.

Dealbreaker.

Myriade · 29/08/2019 16:10

@jellybeansincognito, after 1 year, DH and I had agreed to get married (which we did 6 months later). A discussion like this, about children etc... would certainly have been normal for us at that point in our relationship. Every relationhsip is different.

The 'he doesnt owe you anything' is plainly wrong imo. Because HE talked about having children (big commitment). Becuase they have an exclusive relationship. And because all the signs were that both of them wanted to build something together. Besides, even wo, he OWES the OP some plain respect. And doing something as big as that behind the ack of someone, esp when youve told them you want a child woth them and convinced them to do so, is the opposite of respect.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:10

@AmIThough of course, but to be so demented to these conversations during a time frame of getting to know one another of a year? For op to say her world is literally falling apart... worryingly intense.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:11

Demented? Don’t know what happened there..

Myriade · 29/08/2019 16:11

It’s only been a year, your not really lost much.

She has. She has lost her plans fpor the future. She las trust in her partner, the one she was lanning to create a family with. By anyone standrds, its a lot.
Of course, if you only evaluate importance as a matter of time....

WalkofShame · 29/08/2019 16:12

@Jellybeansincognito
I don’t think there’s anything off about the OPs relationship / reaction. I find yours more strange to be honest.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:12

Myriade

@jellybeansincognito, after 1 year, DH and I had agreed to get married (which we did 6 months later). A discussion like this, about children etc... would certainly have been normal for us at that point in our relationship. Every relationhsip is different.

The 'he doesnt owe you anything' is plainly wrong imo. Because HE talked about having children (big commitment). Becuase they have an exclusive relationship. And because all the signs were that both of them wanted to build something together. Besides, even wo, he OWES the OP some plain respect. And doing something as big as that behind the ack of someone, esp when youve told them you want a child woth them and convinced them to do so, is the opposite of respect.

^^

Discussions are fine, they’re discussions however, you’re allowed to change your mind. Discussions are not a contract.
Marriage at 18 months into a relationship is pretty intense, don’t you think?

Myriade · 29/08/2019 16:13

@Jellybeansincognito, my world would have fallen apart at that time too because, as stated before, i was planning a wedding at that point and my whole life with DH.

So yes if DH hd done that, my worlkd wouod have fallen apart. As well as the future I have envisaged and was strating to create.

Im struggling to see how this is intense. Not everyone takes years before deciding to have children, have a family and build a future together.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:14

WalkofShame

@Jellybeansincognito
I don’t think there’s anything off about the OPs relationship / reaction. I find yours more strange to be honest.

Why? Because I wouldn’t suck myself onto someone after such a short space of time? You barely know someone after a year, it’s the honeymoon phase of a relationship and such intense expectations and feelings about someone are clearly not healthy.

Myriade · 29/08/2019 16:15

Nope I dont as i just did that @Jellybeansincognito.

And plenty of other people have very sucessfully done the same (or have had a child etc... which is exactky the same).
Its not beause YOU thinks its quick that it is for everyone.

Eg try and say that to a 40yo who is desperate for a child. Do you think she will wait 2 or 3 years to talk about having a family??

Contraceptionismyfriend · 29/08/2019 16:16

Regardless of wether or not children were a dealbreaker I'd end the relationship on his lies.

He would've had appointments and the procedure. So it's not just one massive lie. It's continuous deception.

I wouldn't believe anything that left his mouth again.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:18

There’s nothing wrong with talking about it, there’s a difference to me- between talking about something, and having your world fall apart if someone changes their mind. For someone of such an age, who already has children- it’s intense.

Relationships that are like this so quickly are more often than not abusive, alarm bells for me!

WalkofShame · 29/08/2019 16:23

Relationships that are like this so quickly are more often than not abusive, alarm bells for me!

Blimey Confused

That’s a bit of a leap 😂

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:24

It is shit that he didn’t discuss it with her, but after such a time in a relationship and especially if they don’t live together, it’s not that bad as say....

Having these conversations regularly for years and then your partner not wanting a child. You know?

Your world has only fallen apart if you let it op, if you want another child he’s obviously not for you! He’s a liar anyway, lucky escape? No?

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:25

They are though! I was only reading something yesterday about the pattern of abuse, one of the main things is people who get into such intense relationships so quickly.

It’s not really funny is it?

WalkofShame · 29/08/2019 16:29

Don’t try and twist things, your leap of logic is what’s funny. Nothing else.

I’m stepping away now, I get the sense that you’re not really up for a rational conversation.

NameChangeNugget · 29/08/2019 16:31

I personally think he should have told you. It’s only been a year but, if he knows children are important to you, it’s bad form on his part

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:34

@WalkofShame I haven’t twisted anything, my comments have all been along the same lines.

My first comment was about how intense the relationship was after only a year concerned me, I still stand by that. It’s not healthy.

At least I can have an opinion on something without having to insult someone’s intelligence or ‘logic’ and hold that without having to flounce a thread.

Enjoy your evening- perhaps you agree it’s a bit of a weird reaction after only a year?

I’ve said before, to be annoyed by the deceit and lies yes, to think your world has ended? No.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 16:36

Hopefully you don’t 😂 face anymore comments that regard abusive relationships too.

Perhaps if people recognised the signs they’d be more on guard and tread carefully rather than head first and in a similar situation to op where her world has fallen apart because her partner of just a year has sterilised himself, despite the fact kids weren’t on the radar anytime soon.

Derbee · 29/08/2019 16:36

Your boyfriend lied about a massively life changing decision.
He took away your future choices without discussing it with you.
He has no respect for you.
Even when he admitted that he and lied, it took 2 days before he admitted it.

I don’t understand how you could even contemplate staying with him. He has shown himself to be a liar, with no respect for you.

If he can lie to you about such big things, he is capable of anything.

AuntieStella · 29/08/2019 16:39

The lie was that he might want DC one day, when he really, really didn't. And was making sure there would be no 'accidents' whilst he was stringing you along with a faked future (a way of going about things which shows a really low opinion of you)

If you think you might want more DC, then this is nit the man for you. It's easier to walk away after oniy a year than it would have been if he'd been able to string you along with 'maybe soon, but not yet' for further months and years.

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