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BF secret vasectomy

136 replies

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:09

my self and my boyfriend have been together for a year he has kids from a previous relationship and I have one. we have discussed having one more between us in the future but not anytime soon. Anyway I just found out he went behind my back and got a vasectomy. I feel like my world has crashed down around me and am completely torn as to what to do it how to react. I obviously love him and want to be with him but I don't know if I could be with someone that deceived me about something so important. would love some advice I'm so conflicted. thank you

OP posts:
Scott72 · 30/08/2019 08:53

LexMetior a vasectomy isn't really "neutering". Anyhow I wonder what his intention was here. Having the operation done in secret is bad enough. Was he then going to spin this not telling you out as long possible while you tried to conceive? That's narcissistic, maybe even sociopathic, behavior.

AgentJohnson · 30/08/2019 09:03

Future faked her about having kids, then set up a fake operation to hide his vasectomy.

Why lie about a possible future he never wanted? Because he doesn’t respect you enough to respect your right to have input on your shared future.

I would think very carefully how you proceed. These are a succession of monumental lies, God knows what other lies he’s gotten away with or are in your future together.

Mummacake · 30/08/2019 09:28

His behaviour has red flags all over it. He doesn't respect you and therefore cannot love you. He's future faked you and that future is no longer. If you're willing to give all that up and subject your future to lies and deceit, then that's the choice you have here. You are only 30 - time to start looking for someone that truly loves & respects you.

category12 · 30/08/2019 10:14

His high-flown promises mean nothing. How can you possibly believe him?

He pretended he was on the same page as you about more children, and then did the complete opposite. He didn't trust you with his true feelings and treated like the enemy to be circumvented.

He was prepared to concoct an elaborate lie to deceive you and cheat you of the information crucial to informed decision-making about your future.

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 30/08/2019 10:21

Tbh, it's the lying that would be the issue for me too.

Telling you he saw children in the future with you whilst planning a vasectomy with an alternative explanation given for his hospital visit is far too calculated for me and shows a complete lack of respect for you and what you want from your life.

This si such a big thing to lie about and clearly shows he has no problems with lying to you if it gets him the outcome he wants.

I'd walk.

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 30/08/2019 10:28

It would be easier if he cheated aS the decision would be more clear cut

But it's the lies and betrayal of trust that make cheating a dealbreaker for many.

He has lied to you and betrayed your trust.

It's no different as far as I can see.

I'd be taking a few days away on my own if I were you to re-evaluate how you feel about the relationship. He's made his decision, now you need to make yours.

Scoobydoobywho · 30/08/2019 10:36

I think it's fine if he wanted the vasectomy and had been honest with what he wanted. But I would say the fact that he lied about it would make me consider being with him. How long was he going to keep it from you, was he ever going to?

dottiedodah · 30/08/2019 10:59

I think he has removed any trust between you TBH. Apart from obvious life choices for you being taken away. What else could he be lying about!.Also sorry to say this ,but another reason SOME NOT ALL men have the snip ,is so they can have a free pass to sleep with other women W/O having worries about unwanted pregnancies!.Either way I think you should dump him and look for someone more trustworthy!

Belles22 · 30/08/2019 11:02

He said he didn't know how long he was going to lie to me about it for as he didn't see past the next day. Today every this is still raw and I just feel quite angry about the whole situation even though I wouldn't naturally be an angry person. The not having kids part I know I Will eventually get over.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 11:13

He said he didn't know how long he was going to lie to me about it for as he didn't see past the next day.

BULLSHIT! He has to go see a doctor at least twice about this, once to get the referral and once to go and get it. He planned to lie about it as long as he could get away with it, that's why he didn't tell you.

The not having kids part I know I Will eventually get over.

The fact that you're willing to stay with a total liar who future faked you and deceived you big time is tragic. It's a green light to him to do whatever he wants, after all, you'll swallow any lie.

Just wow. NO man is worth giving up your fertility for if you want more kids, and especially not a liar like this.

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 30/08/2019 11:24

The not having kids part I know I Will eventually get over

Well, I think you're a fool.

Once he knows he can lie with impunity, he will do.

Not that I would ever lie to anyone (certainly not on this scale - I might deny having watched the next episode of Killing Eve without them), but if I did, I couldn't respect someone who was willing to just accept being treated so badly. People will do what they know they can get away with.

I mean, how little would someone have to think of themselves to go from discussing and being excited at the prospect of children with someone to accepting that same person lying about having a vasectomy in secret?

You are prioritising a liar over the plans you had for your own life. That's just unfathomable to me.

And the sad thing is that, when you are another decade or so down the line, I think it's a decision you will come to regret.

Even if you made peace with not having children, you would eventually come to resent the fact that he did this and you allowed yourself to accept it.

You tend to see disrespectful behaviour through less sympathetic eyes the older you get.

AgentJohnson · 30/08/2019 11:34

He said he didn't know how long he was going to lie to me about it for as he didn't see past the next day.

I call bullshit on this too. He would have lied for as long as he could have got away with. Vasectomies aren’t spontaneous decisions or procedures, nor is concocting an elaborate cover stories.

Think of the dynamic you’re signing up to if you stay. You can no longer place face value on what he says, you’ll probably feel the need to question anything he says, just in case. There’s still no explanation why the truth appeared not to be an option for him and don’t get me started on the future faking.

This isn’t an incident you can isolate, it speaks to a character/ value system that is fundamentally at odds with your own.

You’re right, you may get over not having a child but it will be harder to forgive his deliberate and calculating behaviour, that led you to believe one might be possible when it never was.

villamariavintrapp · 30/08/2019 11:42

I wouldn't be able to get past this. He lied to you because he wanted you to keep believing in something he wasn't prepared to give. He knew if he told you the truth you could still choose to have a baby with someone else, and he decided that it suited him better for you to stay with him and not have a baby.

HaileySherman · 30/08/2019 11:55

That would be a dealbreaker for me. To go behind your back about something that's presumably very important to you shows a serious lack of character. If you wanted a child and he didn't, it definitely warrants a discussion and possibly a parting of ways. He should have been person enough to HAVE that discussion with you. Stand his ground, try to convince you to his way of thinking. Anything but taking the matter 100% into his hands, not let you have your say and deceive you into staying with him on the false assumption that the matter was still open to discussion. I wouldn't be able to look at the relationship the same again. Sorry OP. You deserved better.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 30/08/2019 11:59

Don’t give up your hopes and dreams of a child for a man who will lie to and deceive you. If he can lie about this who knows what else he is capable of.

Lillygolightly · 30/08/2019 13:30

The sheer amount of deceit and betrayal here I would never forgive him NEVER and I would absolutely end the relationship over this.

It is absolutely his right to do as he pleases with his own body.

Eugh but I can just imagine the sleazy sod suggesting TTC thinking of all the sex he would get with you falsely hoping to get pregnant all the while he knows it will never happen. This is beyond sick!!!

LTB seriously Flowers

rvby · 30/08/2019 13:42

He sounds like a huge weirdo, manipulative and cruel and not very clever at all.

Youd be an absolute idiot to carry on with this relationship but I think you are going to.

Good luck, I hope you dont ruin your life or your child's life by choosing such a shit, and stupid, person to be in it. I hope you're well off and can pay for therapy down the road

MulticolourMophead · 30/08/2019 13:49

OP, for me, personally, I'd have to leave.

It's not that he's chosen a vasectomy, that's his right.

It's the lies and deceit. The trust is broken, how could you ever trust anything he says again?

And it doesn't matter if he's promising the moon and stars now, it's too little, too late. Because he should have discussed this with you in advance. He hasn't shown you any respect, so I wouldn't hold out much hope that you will be respected going forwards.

Don't bother about getting used to the idea of no more DC, just leave and find someone who won't lie to you.

Belles22 · 30/08/2019 14:46

I know I have to leave because it would be like emotionaly abusing myself if I stayed. My son is the most important thing to me in the world and he doesn't deserve to have a mom that is willing to do that to themselves. It's such a scary thought

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 14:52

It's not a scary thought to break off with a man you've only been with for a year who future faked you and lied to you and only admitted it when he got caught. It's liberating! For both of you, to be free of a deceitful person who manipulated you.

AgentJohnson · 30/08/2019 16:56

You haven’t missed out on anything, this is who he and always was. Your spidey senses didn’t let you down and has spared you investing more of you and your son’s time, on someone who isn’t worth it.

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/08/2019 17:45

He said he didn't know how long he was going to lie to me about it for as he didn't see past the next day
He's such a lying, manipulative little shit.
He was also prepared to keep lying to you to cover up any side effects from the procedure.

He was lovebombing you and future faking your relationship the year you've been together.
He sold you an illusion.

He was determined to have the relationship his way from the outset - your part is just to go along with it.
i bet he now thinks he just needs to hang fire until 'you get used to it'....then he can carry on as normal.
He has zero respect for you or your feelings.

If he can turn out to be like this after a year, i'm not sure i'd want to hang around to see what else he's capable of.....

timeisnotaline · 30/08/2019 17:49

The enormity of that lie - it’s the end. It’s not the vasectomy it’s the lie.

SpagBowl99 · 30/08/2019 17:55

Red flag as he lied, sorry OP Flowers

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/08/2019 18:03

If he can turn out to be like this after a year, i'm not sure i'd want to hang around to see what else he's capable of.....

True. Be true. This is a massive breach of trust and you've only been together a year. If you take the only rational course of action and end this relationship then Heaven knows what horrors you will spare yourself. I'm not joking

To share dreams of a baby with you while arranging and going through with a vasectomy? That's elaborately cruel.

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