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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF secret vasectomy

136 replies

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:09

my self and my boyfriend have been together for a year he has kids from a previous relationship and I have one. we have discussed having one more between us in the future but not anytime soon. Anyway I just found out he went behind my back and got a vasectomy. I feel like my world has crashed down around me and am completely torn as to what to do it how to react. I obviously love him and want to be with him but I don't know if I could be with someone that deceived me about something so important. would love some advice I'm so conflicted. thank you

OP posts:

Whosorrynow · 30/08/2019 18:05

there's no coming back from this, 2 options
1-end the relationship
2-pretend to forgive him and then get revenge

obvs #1 is the 'healthy' option

Whosorrynow · 30/08/2019 18:08

I know I have to leave because it would be like emotionaly abusing myself if I stayed
exactly, he has tried to make you take part in harming yourself, framed you as the turkey and made you vote for Christmas
he's the one whose neck should be on the block....metaphorically

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/08/2019 18:09

Was meant to say True. So true.

Laura221 · 30/08/2019 18:09

Surely that's a discussion you have with your partner, whether you've been together 3 weeks or 3 years. It changes the course of both of your lives. I think it's really unfair he did it secretly. He could have said look I've been thinking I 100% do not want more children so I'm putting the ball in your court, stay if your happy with no more children or we need to split if you do. It's really as simple as that. I'm really sorry, feel for you completely. It would be a seal breaker for me.

WhenPushComesToShove · 30/08/2019 18:52

Why would you even consider having a future with someone who is a liar, untrustworthy and completely inconsiderate of your feelings. If you want an unhappy future, this is your guy...

Original poster

Belles22 · 30/08/2019 19:38

Just had our final conversation I was on the verge of forgiving him and moving on but he had zero remorse and he was just like a stone and couldnt care less about me or my feelings so in that moment I decided that I was worth more than that and so is my son thanks to everyone that took the time to give advice

OP posts:

drowningincustard · 30/08/2019 19:54

Been reading this and was about to write something and just seen your latest post - am so sorry he has been such a shit but I'm kind of glad he demonstrated it so you have been able to see it for yourself and make a good decision to keep such a worthless shit out of your life.
Just remember if he does try to grovel and win you back - he was prepared to sell you a false vision of the future - a happy family with more kids just so you would fall for him and be invested in him, when really all he probably wanted was a regular shag with no consequences and you hooked on a line that would stop you from leaving.

category12 · 30/08/2019 20:11

In a little while you'll think "bullet dodged". Good decision, op.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2019 20:32

rededucator · 30/08/2019 20:37

Sorry to hear this OP. How did you find out?

Original poster

Belles22 · 30/08/2019 20:53

@rededucator I just had this horrible gut feeling and I asked him a few times until he caved when I was sobbing. Always follow your gut

OP posts:

rededucator · 30/08/2019 20:55

You poor love. If you even slightly want another kid I think you have to walk x

timshelthechoice · 30/08/2019 20:57

Honestly, the fact that you have stayed with such a huge liar if he's put on the waterworks is what should really scare you. Please take some time out and work on your boundaries. This person future faked you and love bombed you, and people have to be vulnerable for that to work.

I'm so glad you found the strength to break away because you deserve WAY more than someone who lied like this and only admitted it when caught out. He has no intention of ever telling you until he'd got what he wanted out of you, regardless of how he acted now, remember that, he wasn't going to tell you!

Please look after yourself. But you are vulnerable. Don't date again until you do the Freedom Programme and learn how to spot people who future fake and lovebomb.

BumbleBeee69 · 30/08/2019 21:17

you will find someone who shares your wish of another Child OP, please stay strong.

Frith2013 · 30/08/2019 21:22

An ex of mine did this. We’d been together a year and a bit and he suddenly told me he needed a lift to and from the doctors.

First I’d heard about it.

(Turned our he was shagging an ex anyway but I never looked at him the same after his decision)

helpmum2003 · 30/08/2019 21:31

Sorry this has happened OP. You've done exactly the right thing to end the relationship.

Whosorrynow · 30/08/2019 21:34

He was just like a stone and couldn't care less about me
My guess...he thinks/feels that if he behaves as if he is in the right and you have no reason to complain then you will naturally just fall into line and obey him.
He thinks he just has to frame the situation a certain way and you will accept his narrative.

Al2O3 · 30/08/2019 21:41

What did you discuss exactly? Enough to mean his sterilisation a treachery or was your discussion just a frivolity?

Either way, if you want children in future it won’t be his. But let’s say if he had cancer and his sperm were killed permanently tomorrow, would you leave him?

It boils down to lies in a relationship doesn’t it?

What’s round the corner tomorrow?

TwoCanPlayAtThatGame · 31/08/2019 06:47

So proud of you for realising you and your son deserve better.

Ellisandra · 31/08/2019 07:38

Promising you the sun, moon and stars was (unsurprisingly from a liar) bullshit then wasn’t it? Quickly went to zero remorse.

It’s so good to read that you see you’re worth so much more than that. Well done!

It’s not about having children, it’s about him being a liar.

Original poster

Belles22 · 01/09/2019 10:09

feeling a bit better about everything today and feel like I made the best decision for me and my son Eventhough it was very difficult.i happened to meet him out last night I was pleasent but didn't engage in any conversation. I can do this

OP posts:

crestar · 01/09/2019 13:31

It's his body and his choice - exactly the same way as abortion.

And it's probably mostly pro choice posters that are calling her BF out on this.

Double Standards......... again.

timshelthechoice · 01/09/2019 13:34

If you had bothered to RTFT, crestar, you would see there are no 'double standards'. The problem is that he lied about it and concealed it from the OP whilst future faking her. So your attempt at a crap shot at people who support reproductive autonomy is pretty much an epic fail. 0 stars.

villamariavintrapp · 01/09/2019 13:48

I don't think it's double standards-I think opinions would be much the same if the OP was excitedly TTCing with her partner, and secretly aborting every time she fell pregnant. Especially if her plan was to continue this until he could no longer have any children.

Original poster

Belles22 · 01/09/2019 18:12

I think the whole point is being missed here but quite a lot of people here. It's not the fact he got a vasectomy as yes it is his body and his choice it's the sneaking behind my back and lieing to me about it but for the most part it's the fact he called me paranoid knowing I was right and watched me sob my heart out because I knew in my gut what he had done just wasn't admitting it. He would have happily slept in the same bed as me for god knows how long knowing what he had done had I fell for his sick 'cyst removal operation' excuse

OP posts:

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