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Original poster

BF secret vasectomy

136 replies

Belles22 · 29/08/2019 15:09

my self and my boyfriend have been together for a year he has kids from a previous relationship and I have one. we have discussed having one more between us in the future but not anytime soon. Anyway I just found out he went behind my back and got a vasectomy. I feel like my world has crashed down around me and am completely torn as to what to do it how to react. I obviously love him and want to be with him but I don't know if I could be with someone that deceived me about something so important. would love some advice I'm so conflicted. thank you

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 29/08/2019 16:47

OP I would be ending this relationship, based on the decisions he made for himself, you need to make decisions now, for you. I you want more children, it cannot be with this man. Flowers

InsertFunnyUsername · 29/08/2019 16:50

I'm not sure. He should have spoke to you about his plans considering children were spoken about, that would be the normal thing to run past a partner so I dont blame you for feeling betrayed.

But I would tell you the same thing I would say about a woman making choices for herself, it is his body and in that sense he has done nothing wrong. You wouldn't be unreasonable to leave him over this if it's not the future you wanted.

Itsallgonewoowoo · 29/08/2019 16:56

My DH and I also get together and married within a year, we're now on year 20 and no abuse so far. So we had had the child chat long before a year, however I don't think the length of the OPs relationship is the point. He is within his rights not to have more kids BUT he chose to deal with it in a planned lie.
Future faked her about having kids, then set up a fake operation to hide his vasectomy. As a PP pointed out WHEN was he going to tell her? Was he going to maintain the lie for ever? 'try' for kids with her, fail (obviously) and quite possibly make out was her at fault?
I would suspect he doesn't want kids but didn't want to risk OP leaving him for someone who did so chose to take her choice from her and lie. That is not the mark of a nice and decent person.

MerryChristmasHarry · 29/08/2019 17:22

It is up to him, and it would be wrong if OP had tried to prevent the vasectomy. She didnt. Meanwhile he lied and he's also now going to be unable to fulfil one of the plans they'd made, and OP is entitled to be upset about both. I'd find someone else.

Original poster
Belles22 · 29/08/2019 17:42

@Jellybeansincognito
Perhaps I was a tad dramatic by saying my world was crashing down around me as you so keep repeating but that's certainly how I felt the very moment I found out and the things he promised me were no longer possible. I will get over the fact we wont have kids but it will take time I'm just not sure the betrayal is so easy to get over

OP posts:
AmIThough · 29/08/2019 18:03

It is fair enough if it was right for him. It's just sad that he didn't tell you, and that he let you believe you may have children together.

Do you still see a future with him? Does he understand why you're upset?

SandyY2K · 29/08/2019 18:10

I couldn't trust him anymore. He should have said he doesn't want any more children and let you decide whether to stay with him.

I couldn't trust him any more....so it would have to be over. It doesn't sound like an ending would bother him really.

ChristmasFluff · 29/08/2019 18:19

I wouldn't trust him again.

Fair enough, it's his body. But if he didn't think he was doing anything underhand, why did he lie to OP and say he was having an op on a cyst?

I'd be wondering what else he was lying about. But not for long, cos he'd be dumped.

MerryChristmasHarry · 29/08/2019 18:29

Yes, the lying is the huge issue. Especially as OP has no way of knowing when she would've been informed.

Derbee · 29/08/2019 18:30

@Belles22 I don’t think you need to justify why you said you feel like your world is crashing down around you. It’s a massive betrayal. If you found out he was having an affair, would you not have a right to be upset and feel your world was crashing down around you because you’ve ‘only’ been together for a year?

Don’t feel like you have to justify your feelings, just because a stranger is minimising your feelings. Your DPs behaviour is terrible.

Yes, it’s his body and he has a right to a vasectomy. But it’s the lies that are unacceptable

StormBaby · 29/08/2019 18:35

I think Jellybeans reaction is way more alarming. Its a bit odd to not be discussing the future, especially if you are 30 and childless. It's should be one of the first things discussed in a new relationship, even tentatively.
OP, I always say that trust is the one thing you can never repair. Once it's gone, it's gone forever.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 18:36

@StormBaby for the trillionth time, it is perfectly ok to discuss things- but you are allowed to change your mind.

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 18:38

Of course I understand you’re upset @Belles22 as I said earlier on in the thread, abusive relationships often start out this intense, and by the way he already doesn’t show any respect for you or any care towards your future wants and needs and went out of his way to lie to you about something that would affect your relationship (because he knew you wanted a child with him) it screams at me red flags, it really does.

millymollymoomoo · 29/08/2019 18:42

I’d never stay with a man who did this behind me back

At 30 you have lots of time to meet someone else who dies the think so little if you that he’d make this decision with no thought on how it impacts you as an individual but also as a couple

Original poster
Belles22 · 29/08/2019 20:18

Thank you so much to everyone for all of your advise it was much needed to see from everyone's different perspective. I just need time to think and reflect. I'm stuck between my heart and my head ♥

OP posts:
AppleBottomJeans · 29/08/2019 20:21

He’s been deceitful about something that impacts you both. I’d be calling time on the relationship, as he’s now made the decision for you and didn’t have the decency to discuss it first.

timshelthechoice · 29/08/2019 20:25

I couldn't trust him anymore. He should have said he doesn't want any more children and let you decide whether to stay with him.

This! This, this, this. It's fair enough his body, his choice. Fine. BUT he wouldn't have told you had you not found out and confronted him, so he'd have strung you along, potentially for years, until you were no longer fertile and take your choice from you because what he wants is more important.

If you really want another child, even to go out and try for one, even if it doesn't happen and then you can say, 'Well, I tried!' then staying with him in a no brainer. He lied by omission, a big one.

Love is respect, and if you don't love and respect yourself first, then I can guarantee no one else will. If he loved you, he'd have been honest with you about never having any more kids (and I can see his point, I think it's a bad idea to have a kid with every 'partner' in your life), he wasn't. He chose himself first.

Staying with him would be foolish. First of all, no more kids. Secondly, he'll think, Got what I wanted, what else can I do? She'll never leave me.

It's only been a year, I'd not invest anymore time in this.

Hidingtonothing · 29/08/2019 20:46

For me it would show that he is willing to make major life decisions which affect you both without giving you a say. I couldn't live with the insecurity of that. And then there's the lying, and pretty calculated lying at that, complete with cover story and an obvious intention to keep that lie going long term.

He has done catastrophic damage to your relationship OP, so much so that it's beyond your power to fix it. He possibly could, if he accepted how utterly wrong he is and was prepared to move heaven and earth to rebuild your trust, but it doesn't sound like that's the case at all. Don't stick around trying to fix something he broke would be my advice, so sorry OP Flowers

Original poster
Belles22 · 29/08/2019 21:30

To be fair he has promised the sun moon and stars. We are Taking a few days break to reasess and figure out what we both want. It would be easier if he cheated aS the decision would be more clear cut

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 29/08/2019 21:30

Is he stupid? Like actually stupid? How did he think this would end? Option 1- you never found out, he agreed to "try" for a baby with no success to keep you quiet, watch you literally break your heart every month and look for answers as to why you couldn't conceive whilst your own fertility declines. That's actually disgusting and more than a bit sick.

Then there's Option 2- get it done on the sly and hope you get over it when you eventually do find out. Better to ask for forgiveness rather than permission, isn't it? Which basically says he thinks you're a mug not worthy of his consideration, or that he doesn't give a shit.

What a decent, emotionally mature person would do is have an honest conversation and say "I don't want any more kids", and give you the opportunity to exercise the same choice over your body and fertility as he has. But he was too selfish to do you even that basic courtesy.

You don't have the relationship you thought you had, and you need to grieve for that as well as realising this man wasn't the person you thought he was. No-one can make the choice for you, but if having a family is in any way important to you don't waste any more time on this dick. And even if you decide kids don't have to be a part of your future, I would caution against building a future with someone capable of this level of duplicity.

Malvinaa81 · 29/08/2019 22:20

I wonder what he thought was going to happen when you found out, or when he chose to tell you?

He couldn't face a discussion before hand, obviously.

It's take it or leave it now, for you, I guess.

Good luck.

50shadesofblackclothing · 29/08/2019 22:21

He has every right- EVERY right to take the decision to have a vasectomy. It's his body and his absolute choice to take responsibility for his own fertility, he wants no more children and that is entirely up to him.
He actually told his partner he was having a cyst removed, knowing you were considering ttc with him. This is unforgivable.
Scenario 1. 'I've thought about it and I'm having a vasectomy on the 3rd of August. I'm sorry if you don't agree with my decision but that's it- I will have no more children'
Scenario 2. 'Cyst removal. Vasectomy? No! Cyst! Nothing to see here, move along! Yes, I would absolutely consider a baby, not just yet but one day!'
I'd leave just based on the deception, if he'll keep this from you what else will he?

LexMitior · 29/08/2019 22:31

He’s entitled to neuter himself if that’s what he wants.

But you want children, and you can’t stay with this man if you want that. Don’t get boxed in with his needs - because while it’s fair enough that he doesn’t want any more, you will come to resent him if you stay. Don’t kid yourself otherwise.

QuiteForgetful · 29/08/2019 22:38

My friends ex did this. But he did tell her when he came home from having it done. They had been together for years. They broke up after this and she is now happily married to somebody else.

LisaMontgomery · 30/08/2019 00:24

Walk away. Fair enough if he doesn't want more kids but lying about such a huge part of any relationship would be a deal breaker for me.