Are affairs more commonplace than thought?

[itsstrangebutitstrue]

DH and I got married when we were 20. We're 22 now. The more I hear/see it/about it, the more I think it'll be inevitable for DH to have an affair. We've only ever 'been' with each-other. What are the odds we'll be together until one of us dies faithfully? I feel so down right now after hearing a few stories and need a reality check. Tia.

No. I havent know anyone in my family/ friends circle having an affair so couldt say it is "common"

It is common enough but you can’t go through life worrying about what might happen. As someone who has been married and divorced twice, what I would say is, don’t ever take each other for granted. Work hard at your marriage and make sure you be kind and find time for each other. It’s taken me 30 years to realise this!

It is definitely more common than people realise. Some people can keep it a secret.

Yep, really quite common.

very common, but its not the affair that you should worry about but the reasons why an affair would happen. Every affair is different as well. Sometimes its a fling, sometimes its a relationship. Most affairs happen ( my bff is a sex therapist) when something horrible is happening in ones life: depression, loss, a traumatic event. Some people would go bunji jumping, buy a sports car, some would have a one night stand. It's about feeling alive. Some people feel bored, then they look for entertainment. Some are curious. Some will look for belonging somewhere, feeling wanted, young again. To me ( Im Scandinavian), it's important to focus on the WHYs, not the WHATs. If I know the WHY, then I would probably forgive. But if my SO was just not into monogamy, then things would be different, and we'd split up.

Yep it's common.

Among my female friends/colleagues there are 2 that I know of, 1 that I suspect.

In DHs male friendship group/colleagues we know of at least 5 who have cheated on their significant others.

How sad and depressing

No. I havent know anyone in my family/ friends circle having an affair so couldt say it is "common"

Or no one told you

Very common in my experience and work environments where males and females work alongside each other are the main breeding ground.

Not common amongst my circle of friends, family, colleagues, etc, so I don't necessarily agree that it's very common. There really isn't any point worrying about it, unless you have good reasons to suspect your DH.

I might be living under a rock, but I know of nobody in my social circle who is having or has had an affair.

DH & I have been together over 30 years & have been totally faithful to each other.

Not common amongst my circle of friends, family, colleagues, etc

@Sakura7
Do you feel this is something they would share with you if it was going on?

It's utterly no point dwelling on this. It's something you can't control - either your bloke will stay faithful or he won't. He might also die in a car-crash tomorrow. You just have to live your best life and take no shit.

I only know of 1 affair amongst friends. So no, in my circle affairs are not common.

And yes it would be common knowledge if an affair happened in my circle of friends

I find it astonishing that people think because no one tells them of their relationship problems that it's not happening.

A survey found that nearly 75% of couples continue their relationship after an affair.

They don't shout it to everyone generally. It's humiliating enough.

It's common in certain circles and certain lines of work (but not inevitable even there). A Venn diagram would show rampant promiscuity at centre.

Most people live their committed lives outside of that diagram. The inhabitants of Venn City are extremely vocal about how everyone lives there or wants to. Most normal people take the ring road around, don't enter and leave Venners to each other it.

Hope this helps.

I've known of loads of people who have done it, to whatever extreme and be it flings, one night stands or they've left for the other person I've seen all kinds. I've also done things I'm not proud of, though I can cite reasons for doing so which would probably resonate with most of the forum. No, I don't want to go into it here.

I think it's a mentality, some people just never go 'there', loyalty is everything.

I think that's true, and that groups of friends are likely to have similar values. So some people might think that cheating is no big deal and everyone is doing it if they have friends who cheat, making them more likely to do it. In a group where cheating is rare and something that is very much looked down upon, people are less likely to cheat. This may also explain why children of cheating parents are more likely to cheat themselves.

@PicsInRed

Wtf?

I'd love to see this Venn diagram into which you so neatly place people.

I've had two and never been caught out. I have a few friends who have had them but it has led to the end of their marriages.

Tbh, it's not something we discuss. They don't know about mine, and I only know about theirs because of the divorces.

If you include both physical and emotional affairs I believe the stats (for what they’re worth) are pretty high for this (up to 30 or 40% of married men?)

The question was are they “more common than thought?”

It depends on whose thoughts doesn’t it. Mumsnet is awash with naivety and people living under rocks, so for many on here it is definitely more common than they think.

I've had two and never been caught out.

If you're still with your husband/partner, why? If you feel the need to look for sex outside the relationship, and hide it from him, then clearly something is not right. The poor man.

I presume you're ok with him having affairs? Because it's very hypocritical if you're not.