Are affairs more commonplace than thought?

[itsstrangebutitstrue]

DH and I got married when we were 20. We're 22 now. The more I hear/see it/about it, the more I think it'll be inevitable for DH to have an affair. We've only ever 'been' with each-other. What are the odds we'll be together until one of us dies faithfully? I feel so down right now after hearing a few stories and need a reality check. Tia.

@itsstrangebutitstrue practically most people I know have had an affair. Obvs not everyone but the majority.

Sorry but I dont think it is common but I think you're asking on the wrong place.

This is a relationship forum by which its posters have a question or concerns about their relationship. This of course can lead to the discovery of an affair and then said poster frequents the form for support and experience off others. Its social psychology to surround yourself with people with the same experiences or values.
Add to the fact that monogamy is the norm so theres no need to post 'I'm in a healthy relationship and we only have sex with each other'. That's the normal state of a relationship so not news worthy. Therefore by default you only hear about the ones that arent monogamous (for the most part). Also, on here, posters that have discovered an affair will attribute certain behaviours to having an affair due to the previous behaviour of the cheating partner. That behaviour could be quite normal but because they caught their partner out and they were doing it, they're attributing the behaviour and not the individual person to it.
I've worked in a work hard, play hard environment for 15+ years and my OH has been it much longer. I've seen people cheat but seen far more have a relationship that is with the one person. I've seen those people split up, meet new people and carry on, but not always has there been another person involved.

I think MN is a great place for support. I think it's a superb resource for people to get advice. I dont think it's an unbiased or balanced resource though. I think it's very anti men and there are many loud voices and personalities that have been hurt and so speak from this experiences. I think it can be harmful to relationships where there are insecurities.

In conclusion, to answer the OP, no I dont think affairs are the norm or a foregone conclusion of a relationship

I would be more worried about getting married at 20 TBH . People change so much over time.

Loads having or have had an affair in my factory where I work. From the office staff to production workers.

I'd say the workplace is the most dangerous place for affairs to start. My own dm had affairs that started in the work place

Opportunity is key to whether someone has an affair.

I work in a world where affairs are very very very very common - sometimes 'secret' (confided by friends who are involved) and sometimes bragged about openly (where the spouse is kept well away from the work world).

I know more than one man who looks very happily married but have long term ongoing affairs that their wife and family know nothing about. In my world, this is very common I'm afraid.

I use Hook up sites and there are lots and lots of married men looking for 'discreet' or sometimes even 'discrete' 'fun'.

@RamIt spot on. Last year I found out my husband had been having an affair for 4 months with someone from work (we had been together 15 yrs at that time, married for 8). We have four young children. It is an incredibly isolating experience. It feels like the shame now is in staying, as opposed to leaving. People don’t talk about it. If you confide in someone though often people tell you their own experiences. You never know what is going on in people’s heads / lives. I put my mask on a week after finding out to do the first day of new school year - acting like everything was fine with other mothers and friends. To be honest looking back I don’t know how I managed it.

I would say this though - and I am sure plenty of women whose husbands have cheated will say the same - I literally NEVER thought he was capable of this. What @RamIt said about only ever really knowing yourself is dead right.

It can happen in any relationship. Keep communicating - but that takes two people.

PS I worked in the city for a long time and there were affairs. Always older senior man with younger junior woman 🤷🏼‍♀️ Having been on the receiving end of it now just makes me deeply sad when I hear of it. This stuff destroys lives.

Personally I suspect ONS are far more common than affairs, especially in the early days when people aren't living together and its easy to keep things quiet. Sadly i know lots of men and women who have been unfaithful to their partners

To be honest, I would rather get cheated on than my husband die young, abuse me or be a crap husband and father, they are all things to worry about as well but we don't seem to worry about that like we do about cheating.
I'm not sure we don't worry about those things. But we don't feel to blame for them - they are just bad luck, and you are a poor victim of fate. Whereas when your partner has an affair, there's a lot of judgement about you, too - many people assume that there must have been something wrong with the marriage, that it could be your fault, that you must be frigid so your partner needed to look elsewhere. Even if you know that's not true, you may still question your own perceptions of the last 10, 20, 30 years.

In fact, in some ways it is reassuring to know that affairs are quite common... if "everyone" does it, then it's not necessarily your fault if your partner did it.

I married dh at 20, neither of us have been unfaithful as far as I am aware.

I'm not aware of anyone who has had an affair in our circle.

A survey a few years ago put it at 1 in 5. I remember looking at the parents at the school gate after I’d read that and thinking 4 of you should be having affairs according to the stats. Not long after we found out that two were, with each other.

In my family, no affairs that I know of.
In my friends circle, one had an affair before I met her and is now married with children to OM.

I've been cheated on in relationships but now happily married with the most loyal man.

They are common but it depends who you mix with.

I had a few ons during my relationship which were never found out.

When single I joined a couple of hook up sites and reckon at least 35% and probably 40% of women on there were married/partnered and cheating.

I have worked in education for years....not sure if it's just this profession but teachers seem to be particularly bad. End of term nights out......lots of drinking, everyone gossiping about it. It happens a lot. On my street (of ten houses) three women have had affairs. God knows about the men.

There is no point worrying about it though. If it happens, it happens. Then you deal with it accordingly. You can't spend your life with 'what ifs?

I would say about 40% of my friends and colleagues (male and female) have cheated to some extent. That varies from a drunken snog to shagging/emotional involvement for months. But, if that is representative of the general population then the stats are on your side because it means that 60% of people don't have cheat.

Try not to dwell on this. It could negatively affect your relationship and make it more likely. Just enjoy your time together and stop worrying about something that might never happen (and probably won't).

"Typically it's the ones that appear to have perfect family setups that are the worst".

Absolutely agree.

They tend to project the perfect relationship all over social media in tandem with the guilt. There's a Hamlet quote there somewhere.

"The lady doth protest too much"?

Change gender as appropriate.

Yes.
But you can't dwell on it or think about it.
Live your best lives together and what ever happens in the future happens.
Divorce rate is very high now.
Doesn't mean it's going to happen to you.
Don't jinx it already!

I've known loads of people who have had secret affairs (sometimes regretted them). However there are many, many people who never do so please don't worry in advance.

Sadly yes.

When I busted DH on the brink of starting one, and confided in friends, several told me that their husbands had been caught also. All of them surprised me, as none seemed the cheating types.

The circumstances were all different as well. One rekindled with his first love, another had a side-piece in the town where he worked away, one was a colleague, another was a drunken one night stand.

DH's was a colleague in a position of power who was hugely abusing it after he had suffered a bereavement and turned to her for initially platonic support.

The only thing they all had in common was that the OWs knew they were all married with a young family

That's true Ravenmum. While my husband hasn't ever cheated on me (that I know of) I was cheated on several times in a previous LTR. At first it really shook me but then I stopped caring and just ended the relationship. It never left me with any trust issues I don't think but then that was a 4 year relationship when I was young, not a marriage or LTR with kids involved. I think it hits people harder when it's in a marriage or LTR (like 5+ years) with or without kids but more so when kids are involved as the fall out is harsher to the person that was cheated on. You're right, the cheated on person does get a fair share of judgement too for staying or people assuming they must be giving the cheater a bad relationship. The number 1 reason for men cheating though is a lack of sex at home. The saying 'if you aren't having sex with your spouse, someone else eventually will' rings very true. Although plenty people cheat even with an active sex life at home as well.

I used to use dating sites before I met my hubby and there was ALOT of married men on there. You obviously can't tell right away that they're married but once you got chatting they would they were looking for discreet fun as they were married and hadn't had sex at home for months, sometimes years. Obviously in those cases I was like no thanks but every single one was looking for just sex, not an affair as such, saying they were happy at home and didn't want to ever leave their kids but needed satisfied else where. It was a bit sickening to be honest but you get a real view of how desperate men get when they haven't had sex for some time. They will literally even go for someone that wouldn't look at in real life so to speak

Not sure the OP asked if they were more common now than before though, rather whether they’re more common than we like to admit.

IIRC a survey a couple of years ago suggested that as many as 65% of both men and women have cheated on a partner. That could be anything from a one night stand to a full on affair, and could be anyone from the current wife to the GF from twenty years ago. And that’s just the people who admitted it. There are an awful lot who wouldn’t have admitted it so the figures are always going to come out lower than the actual reality.

Of people I’ve known/known of more have had affairs than not. Off the top of my head all the marriages of the children in the DS’ reception class who got divorced did so because the women had affairs. Although one of them had an affair with one of the dads before she had an affair with someone else. It was commonplace in the office I used to work in for men and women to be having an affairs or even to have one night stands after the Christmas party. And in one company I worked in partners were very much not encouraged at social events so affairs were rife.

My eXH worked with men and women who cheated on their partner. One was an OW in two affairs with two different married men, and going back further I had friends at school whose parents had affairs, one girl’s dad had an affair for the duration of her school career. The OW even used to ring the house to speak to him. and the mum of another girl left her h to move in with some bloke she’d been sleeping with, but went back to him at some point.

And further back even more, I know of at least one family member who had a child by a man who wasn’t her husband, and someone on eXH’s side who was the OW for 50 years. And those are the ones I know about. For the posters saying they don’t know of anyone who has had an affair, that doesn’t mean that the people you know aren’t/haven’t had affairs, in fact it is almost 100% certain that at least one person in your circle will have cheated at some point and if they haven’t then they will.

But you can’t worry about this stuff because no-one knows how life will pan out.

@itsstrangebutitstrue

You are very young. A lot is going to change over the course of your relationship but that does not mean that either you or your husband will have an affair. The key is to keep communication open and if you see/feel there's is an issue (especially after children) then immediate open a dialogue about it and seek outside help (couples therapist for example)

Living in fear is only going to adversely affect your relationship. Constantly worrying where the other person is or what they're doing etc. Enjoy yourselves, take, explore each others's minds and bodies, travel, relax, do all the things that strengthens your bond.

To answer your original question, yes affairs are extremely common. Much more so than people realise. I work in a profession where this is information I would be privy to. People don't tell their friends/family/confidants because they are embarrassed. I know of many couples who are referred to, in the town where I am from, as "ideal", "so amazing", "perfect for each other" A lot of it is show. They are, behind closed doors, struggling.

People who believe that affairs are uncommon are lucky enough to not have had one touch their lives directly or have not had it shared by friends/family. It is one thing, I have found, people are most reluctant to talk about. And you can quote this if you like and tell me your friends/family/circle are beyond reproach and squeaky clean but I would almost put money on it that there's someone everyone knows who has been unfaithful. It happens for so so many reasons, although on MUMSNET there is only one reason, that the person is a hateful person. This thinking is rife with judgement and bitterness and damages the person themselves. Anger is the punishment we give ourselves when someone else makes a mistake.

OP try not to worry about it. If some day something like this knocks on your door you will deal with it, none of us know what's waiting around the corner tomorrow so be mindful, enjoy the days and weeks and months. Life will happen one way or another.