Are affairs more commonplace than thought?

[itsstrangebutitstrue]

DH and I got married when we were 20. We're 22 now. The more I hear/see it/about it, the more I think it'll be inevitable for DH to have an affair. We've only ever 'been' with each-other. What are the odds we'll be together until one of us dies faithfully? I feel so down right now after hearing a few stories and need a reality check. Tia.

Not common but also not uncommon

I know friends that have, those that haven't, those that would and those that wouldn't.

There may also be some that I'm wrong about - (but what I don't know won't hurt me) I have never been surprised when one has been 'discovered' playing away

for all those saying none of their friends or family have had an affair, bear in mind they might just be good at not getting caught. Husband and I both work in the City and have numerous married colleagues who are either in long term affairs or have frequent one night stands. Their friends and family don't have a clue, they're very good at fitting it around their lives. Typically it's the ones that appear to have perfect family setups that are the worst.

the Internet?

True. Don’t know anyone who has personally but I hear it’s very common for people to reconnect on social and start emotional affairs.

The more I hear/see it/about it, the more I think it'll be inevitable for DH to have an affair.

No more than you having one. Loads of women cheat, it’s not the preserve of men.

and yes conferences and training courses are an excellent opportunity. Last one I was at married guy was proudly showing pictures of his two month old baby (with wife in shot) to everyone that would look in the day before heading off to his room with a colleague from an overseas office for very noisy sex that could be heard down the corridor

@CloudyWithAChance2 I think that's very simplistic. And likely to drive you insane.

So your OH happens to work in a big office, lots of males and female, so start panicking?

Plus the ibtweneat is a huge source for people wanting to cheat now. Even games on phones have chat functions.

Not having hobbies or a just a few colleagues, doesnt really lower chances of cheating. I know quite a few men and women who have cheated after 'reconnecting with an Ex' on facebook.

My exh interviewed his OW for a job, that's how they met. She got the job, needless to say. Two others through work. One with a tennis coach, very corny! Another by going out with a group of friends. One with a neighbour.

There's a good chance one of you will have an affair. Or just leave. Or die relatively young. Basically it's the lucky few who make it to very old age.

So your OH happens to work in a big office, lots of males and female, so start panicking?

I didn’t say that did I i.e. to start panicking?
I was making a point about opportunity (which is plentiful in many workplaces) increasing the chances of affairs and the opposite also being true.

The point about online opportunity is correct though which I missed in my earlier post.

Yes, its very common. Posters saying they don't know anyone in their friend or family circle who have been unfaithful just have friends and family who likely haven't been found out.

I have a female friend who has a wider shared circle of friends who have no idea what she gets upto on work trips and i only found by chance. She is what you would describe as a pillar of the community! Fantastic mum, career woman, looks after her elderly mum! All round great egg!

Also my cousin was a serial cheater for what I now know to be decades and still not found out to this very day. I only know because he confided in me recently as part of a bigger crisis he was having. Had he not told me i'd be none the wiser along with everyone else. He works abroad on contracts a number of months a year. Has done for 20yrs.

It is not my place to tell either of the families or friends involved and make windows into people's souls.

I do not mean to patronise but you are young and you and your DH will both change and grow as people over the next 20-30yrs. Life may throw all sorts at you. Thats ok, thats life. You don't know how you will both feel and evolve over time. Or how life will impact on how you feel about each other. Things change, people change. I hope you and yr DH have a long and happy faithful marriage.

The person you are today may not be the person you are in 20 yrs time. People do things sometimes when they feel trapped. Im not saying it's right but its not black and white either.

I agree with the PP who said that it’s more common amongst women than you’d think - I know several women who’ve had affairs over the last 25 odd years and never been caught.

Agree too that technology makes it easier to be discovered.

More women in the workplace? My late uncle was an accountant and the only woman in the office was the secretary. He’d have had to look elsewhere for an affair if he’d wanted one in the 1970s.

Also, there’s less stigma/shame. Years ago, “cuckholds” felt humiliated and it was a big dark secret. These days there is still humiliation and no one likes to be gossiped about, but it’s not brushed under the carpet.

I didn’t say that did I i.e. to start panicking? I was making a point about opportunity (which is plentiful in many workplaces) increasing the chances of affairs and the opposite also being true

No, but the OP is already really worried. If her dh works with women and has a hobby, she will worry more.

If someone wants to cheat they will find a way.

OP, no one can say wether you will together forever. You might, you might not. Worrying about it not working out long term or worrying about him cheating wont stop it happening.

I know plenty of people who haven't (or at least, have never been caught) and plenty of people who have. Weirdly, in some workplaces it seems far more commo n than others. In the army it was depressingly rife, pretty much everyone cheated, especially on tour. I think it was the mindset of, "I'm in a shit place, so I'm entitled to do so"

No, but the OP is already really worried. If her dh works with women and has a hobby, she will worry more.

Yes, in this scenario she should worry more (if she’s going to worry) because the chances are higher.

If someone wants to cheat they will find a way.

Most people who cheat don’t go out and say “I want to cheat” and find a way.
It happens mostly through opportunity and circumstance. See previous posts about workplaces, conferences, hobbies, reconnecting on social media.

Definitely more common sadly. I work in sex health.

Define "affair" do many people carry on an emotional affair involving sex or not over weeks or months or do they have sex with someone once with no emotional connection. Is there a difference? I would say many more people have one off sexual encounters, This is where, i would say the cut off between porn and actual physical sex becomes blurred. If you get off wanking in front of a photo or having sex with the person in that photo what is the difference? If you become emotionally/sexually attached to that women/man does that make any difference?

Yes I think it's very common and alot of people don't get caught.

To be honest, I would rather get cheated on than my husband die young, abuse me or be a crap husband and father, they are all things to worry about as well but we don't seem to worry about that like we do about cheating.

Cheating isn't a big taboo to me. It's not nice, it would be better if it didn't happen but I think someone leaving you to be with the other person is the real nail in the coffin as many couples go on to be happy after cheating happens if they stay together (some find out, some don't).

I don't think my husband would cheat on me or ever has but I certainly don't think about it ever really. What will be will be as they say and if he ever got my feelers up and had me wondering if he was, I would address it and decide from there. I wouldn't stay with him if he told me he was unhappy and didn't love me and that's why he cheated but if he told me he made a mistake and wanted to stay with me (and proved it), I'd probably forgive him.

There's so many stresses in life and worrying about cheating when you have no reason to suspect is just a waste of energy that could go on other things

@ConfCall - I agree, female infidelity is much less discussed. I always assumed it would be my partner who cheated, based on some slightly outmoded ideas about men and also what I thought I knew about myself.

I know personally about 6 people offhand who have had affairs of varying kinds and it’s roughly a 50:50 split as to the gender of the person doing the actual cheating (as opposed to being a single person having an affair).

I don’t think it’s impossible to prevent - but I think assuming it will never happen is not a way of doing that. I’d really recommend Esther Perel’s State of Affairs. I know not everyone is a fan, but I’ve found it interesting to read.

Yes, in this scenario she should worry more (if she’s going to worry) because the chances are higher

See I disagree. I have worked with oota of men, travelled with th for work and conferences. Never cheated. Definitely fancied people, definitely had that spark. But not even crossed the line into emotional affairs.

But then I dont believe people just fall in to affairs either.

I dont see the point in worrying about it either. If your partner works with women and is going to cheat, you cant prevent them working with women or them cheating.

My ex had an affair, apart from that I don’t know anyone else who has had one or who has cheated.

Unfortunately, it's depressingly common. You don't usually know who else is in the club until you're in.

No one talks about it due to the fear of judgement and humiliation.

If the marriage ends, the wronged party usually goes public with the information that their spouse is a cheat. That's how we hear about affairs, and we think to ourselves "thank god, it's not me" and "Tom might not put his dirty boxers in the wash basket but least he's not a cheat"

Majority of the time, the betrayed spouse stays and tells no one, because there is so much more judgement for staying with a cheat compared to throwing them out.

The older I get, the more I see that loyalty and fidelity is in the minority. The only person you can truly know is yourself, everybody else is just showing you a carefully crafted mask.

Workplace affairs have been pretty common in the finance industry where I work. Plenty of loyal individuals too but it’s certainly not surprising to discover someone is having an affair sadly.

Those that don’t know of anyone. Not everyone shouts it from the rooftops. My DH had an affair and I didn’t tell anyone. I know some of his friends have too including sleeping with Prostitutes on holidays abroad!

I work in a male dominated environment where it’s accepted. Staff work long, erratic hours and frequently stay in hotels. I know about numerous affairs among men and women - most of whom you would not consider the “type” ( eg non sleazy) Some of the affairs I know about have been long term with colleagues but others more opportunistic ( chamber maids as an example ). I know about them because I’m not especially shocked and not judgemental about it so people confide. If I was very obviously preachy about it obviously no one would tell me anything. If you don’t know then chances are no one’s confided in you and they’ve been good at concealing it.

Affairs are rife at all ages/stages for both men and women.

Agree with PPs that those who regard it as less common are unaware that the majority of them simply go undiscovered.

The less than intelligent person having the affair inadvertently leaving evidence around or the unhinged OW/OM set on wreaking revenge and letting the world know are comparatively rare imo.

Totally.