Are affairs more commonplace than thought?

[itsstrangebutitstrue]

DH and I got married when we were 20. We're 22 now. The more I hear/see it/about it, the more I think it'll be inevitable for DH to have an affair. We've only ever 'been' with each-other. What are the odds we'll be together until one of us dies faithfully? I feel so down right now after hearing a few stories and need a reality check. Tia.

@cukoo omg Cukoo why? What were your reasons?

I’m also absolutely shit scared as well OP so I’m here with you don’t worry.

Do you feel this is something they would share with you if it was going on?

I think yes, it would be known about in my circle of friends.

I think yes, it would be known about in my circle of friends

But not your family or colleagues?

I'd love to see this Venn diagram into which you so neatly place people.

My app drawing skills are hopeless, so I'll respond in words - people who think cheating's fine = inside. People who think cheating's grim = outside. Various categories of social circles and work types for venn cross over.

It won't cover the "one offs" or "cheated to leave actual arsehole" cases, but they wouldn't be representative of a core belief system...which you are more likely to find amongst particular social circles and in certain lines of work.

Some people are just much more likely to cheat than others and birds of a feather flock together so they think all the birds flock like them.

This is why some people think it's common and others think it's rare - it is so in their respective circles.

I'd rather inhabit the loyal circle, wouldn't you?

One lady at work (widowed) seems to attract married men in their 50s. They all complain their wives don't listen to them / Talk to them / only want to talk about the now grown up kids

Frankly these men are all pretty dull in my opinion so maybe their wives are just bored of them

Totally agree PicsInRed

I ended mine today - only one friend knows, and only some of the details (not the extent of it). No one else knows, and there is no reason for them to. We both mutually agreed to end it, and neither of us have any motive to tell the other’s partner. I think if you asked people who know me the likelihood of me being the sort of person who would have an affair, you’d get pretty poor odds.

Which makes me think that it is much more common than we think. You only hear about the ones who get caught, or leave their partners for.

I don’t think it’s every other person or anything...but a much greater number than you’d think. Look at all these DNA tests people are doing now and discovering false paternity for example...people have taken those secrets with them to the grave in so many cases.

Sorry...that wasn’t very reassuring. I think in hindsight better communication and emotional honesty would have helped us...same old story, I guess.

Out of my friendship groups I’d say a 3rd split up in their early 30s due to another women being involved (myself included) so taking into account things I don’t know about them i’d guess about half.

My dps got married at 17 and 18 38 years ago. Still married and no affairs in know about. It can work out.

I don't think it's more common. I just think people get caught, due to technology mostly.
So I feel it's always been the same only less people have been caught cheating

I think it is very common. Maybe not so much full-blown affairs, but ONSs certainly. At conferences and on business travel they happen all the time and partners never find out. Also, there is no type. Some of the most respectable, down to earth people head off to their room with people at conferences I have been at.

Excellent point @Isthebigwomanhere

I'd rather inhabit the loyal circle, wouldn't you?
I wish I'd been offered the choice.

sonjadog, what industry do these conferences relate to?

I reckon it’s 50:50.

The ones where someone has cheated, there have been huge warning signs, where the one of the couple is not happy OR they have cheated before and no matter what is going on, if they get the chance, they will cheat again.

Dh and I have been together 30 years, we were 23 when we got married and I truly believe Dh has never cheated, so it can be done!

I wish I'd been offered the choice.

Never mind. Their disgrace isn't yours.
Life in Venn City is a choice. You didnt choose it, hold your head up.

I think it is becoming more common for EAs due to technology - second phones, apps like Kik etc. Not convinced physical affairs are more common though. I grew up in the 70s hearing about lots of uncles / neighbours/ teachers/ ice cream van drivers / barmaids etc etc all knocking each other off in a regular basis. We possibly just get more proof now due to phones / emails whereas in the past it was just rumours.

That said OP - no reason to suspect it’s inevitable - Even though I’ve been cheated on, I still think most people want monogamy / family / good home life .

OP on the other hand I have heard of lots of couples who have got together when they were very young and have stayed together into old age.

I think it's quite common and think alot of them come and go, without anyone finding out. Either a short fling ONS mainly

I am also inclined to think far more women have affairs, but they seem better at hiding them.

This is my experience in several large offices. Rather than feirns and family.

Alot of people who say 'not in my friends and family' forget that often the one who has been cheated on feels ashamed (when they shouldnt) and dont always tell the people closest to them.

At 44 I think I knew one person who'd definitely cheated, and he was a real ladies' man. Now at 50 I know about 5, plus my exh, and all of them previously gave the impression of being pretty meek, quiet, nice or morally upright. The change in that time seems to be partly because if you open up to other people about your partner's affair then more come out of the woodwork, partly because there really is something to the midlife crisis, partly maybe even because one person doing it seems to spark others to follow their lead.

@sonjadog my experience is the same.

The way I look at it is: who is your SO going to have an affair with if they ARE going to have one? If they don’t work with a large number of opposite sex colleagues or they don’t have any pursuits such as gym etc where they would meet people of the opposite sex, the chances of them cheating are extremely low because opportunity just doesn’t exist.

Nobody I know walks into Starbucks like Joey Tribbiani and gets chatting to a random stranger only to have sex with them a few hours later.

Depressingly common.

Just because you don’t know that your friends/colleagues are having affairs doesn’t mean they’re not happening. Very few people broadcast the fact that they’re cheating.

cloudy the Internet?

Like @CursedDiamond, I had an affair that no one knows about other than the man I had it with. I think we may overestimate the extent to which affairs are discovered, or spoken about to friends, or suspected. Many just percolate on secretly with no soap-opera-style discoveries.