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Original poster

To think husband should forgive me for his girlfriend breaking up with him

172 replies

consfusedandlookingforwine · 27/08/2019 12:23

Two months ago I found out my husband had a girlfriend at work. He said that it was nothing serious, just a few dates and stolen kisses in the store room. He would have told me about it when they slept together. I was hurt and confided in my best friend. She did what any friend would do and confronted both of them. His girlfriend didn't like this and felt she was being attacked so broke up with him. Since then my husband has been like a broken hearted teenager. Mopping about I've seen him crying when he thinks I'm asleep. This girl was leaving for uni at the start of September anyway so they would have had to break it off sooner or later but I feel like he blames me. I didn't know my friend would do what she did but I'm being punished for it. We have become more like roommates then husband and wife and not even a family holiday could pull him out of it. He's short tempered with me and it seems nothing I do is good enough. AIBU to expect that after two months I should be forgiven.

OP posts:
Moondancer73 · 27/08/2019 15:25

This is a joke, right?

Boswellisdead · 27/08/2019 15:33

@consfusedandlookingforwine

This is not normal. This is not how relationships normally work. This is not what you want your children to think a normal relationship looks like.

Divorce absolutely IS an option. He's already chucked the marriage away, only thing left to do is get the fuck away from him before he drags you under completely. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN STANDING BY TO MOP UP HIS MISERY-WANK STAINS OVER SOMEONE ELSE.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/08/2019 15:33

You can afford to leave, I left my ex husband and I didn't have a job at the time. You just have to claim benefits for a while, it's not ideal but it's better than being married to such a horrible man to be honest.

stucknoue · 27/08/2019 15:46

I really want you to value yourself better than this - men do not change. My mum's best friend was you 40 years ago, forgave, she was you 30 years ago, forgave, she was you many times and then he walked away leaving her alone at 70

wishywashy6 · 27/08/2019 16:05

Is this a genuinely serious thing? You're asking if YOU should be forgiven?!
Leave him 😡

RJonezy · 27/08/2019 16:05

You know what to do OP ThanksWine

notapizzaeater · 27/08/2019 16:15

There's absolutely nothing for you to be forgiven for. Chuck the bugger out !

Nicecupofcoco · 27/08/2019 16:25

Op you mentioned you have low self esteem, it's only gonna get lower staying with this bloke! Moping because he's not with her! Honestly... The cheek!! How dare he!
You are worth so much more! He shouldn't be freezing you out and making you feel that way! He's in the wrong! You need to let people know the truth! He's got alot to be ashamed of! If he was sorry op he would be grovelling to you not moping that he's not with her!
Leave him! Being on your own will be better than having him destroy every inch of your confidence. You can make it on your own!! Your friend did right in my opinion and she sounds as though she would be a supportive friend to get you through this.

LondonJax · 27/08/2019 16:48

Read what you said OP. Third sentence. 'He would have told me about it WHEN he slept with her'. When he slept with her? Seriously? He was actually thinking that far ahead? That's not 'nothing serious, just a few stolen kisses' like lovelorn teenagers at school behind the bike sheds!

That's a man who was quite able and willing to wreck his marriage for another woman.

If anyone should be doing the cold shoulder it's you. If anyone should be 'moping' around, it's you. If anyone should be making the other person feel like shite it's you. Not him. He should be on his best behaviour, giving you space, buying you gifts/taking you out/buying your favourite takeaway (anything to get you to accept him). He should be mending this - he broke it and he appears to have known exactly what he was doing. He's a grown up - tell him to get over himself FFS.

Forgive him if and when YOU'RE ready. It's not down to him to dictate. He did the dirty, it's not for him to decide if/when you feel ready to move on. And if you do, he should be eternally grateful.

AgentJohnson · 27/08/2019 16:49

Your current MH has taken a beating and your friend has tried to bat for you because at present, you can’t.

Hopefully, this mess will be the catalyst for you to move forward from your current marriage stalemate. The fact you could not see the peculiarity in your initial post, suggests that your ability to see the dysfunction in your marriage and the need to resolve it’s issues, is compromised.

I’m guessing if your H had a ‘gf’ without your knowledge then you haven’t discussed an open marriage. Did the gf know your H was married? If not, the dumping of his arse was more to do with the message (the deceit) than the messenger.

With your marriage in such a precarious position, I think the career break has to be put on hold. The next time your H finds a ‘gf’ might mean that he decides to end the marriage on his timetable, not yours.

Ignore your H’s moping but you cannot go on ignoring the probability that your marriage is over. Which I understand is very difficult to accept but if you don’t, the pretence will destroy what’s left of your self esteem.

Where do you see the future? You can’t get there without some sort of plan. It’s time to start making one.

Dieu · 27/08/2019 17:31

It should be a case of you being the one to forgive him (or not, as I think the case should be!), and not the other way around.
What a sad, sorry and desperate position to be in, OP. I wish you would leave him Thanks

Tongo · 27/08/2019 18:21

Just when I thought I’d read it all on here...OP oh OP. Your husband had a girlfriend!!! NO!!

BarbedBloom · 27/08/2019 18:32

Post on the legal board OP, find out your options from them. You won't be the first woman to leave when you have no income of your own.

Maybe my earlier post was too harsh, I was just so shocked. She wasn't his girlfriend, she was his affair partner. This is in no way your fault, your friend was doing what I think most people would be tempted to.

Whether you leave or stay, I think you need some counselling, just for you. You need to build up your self esteem for a start. There were obviously problems given there was no intimacy for 3 years, but the answer to that is to talk to your wife, not get a girlfriend Flowers

RebornFlame · 27/08/2019 18:34

I think you need to.. sorry no, um that sounds..... im sorry give me a sec, there come a point in every wife’s life...

No I actually don’t know what to say.

Speak to your friend that confronted them. She sounds wise and good.

PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 27/08/2019 18:53

You poor woman!

You need a good heart to heart with your friend, LISTEN to what that fantastic friend has to say. This is not normal. Get counselling, get out of this shambles of a relationship.

Good look op.

Sedlescombe · 27/08/2019 22:05

You have nothing to be forgiven for. He ought to be on his knees

AMAM8916 · 27/08/2019 22:31

Couples therapy for what? Why do people think they have to stay together 'for the children' and live such dull, untrusting and sad lives? He cheated on you! Then spent time wallowing and crying over this woman. Do you not think you deserve better than this or let me guess... it will upset the kids, you like your lifestyle blah blah blah.

The amount of this I see actually turns my stomach. All these kids being brought up in families where there's cheating, no trust and parents off to 'therapy' every week to hang on to a thread of hope that they can tolerate each other until the kids go off to uni.

Leave. He doesn't love you and I'm amazed he has the cheek to be angry at you or your friend for outting him

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2019 04:04

Husbands in open relationships may have girlfriends, separated husbands may have girlfriends but husbands that don’t fall into those categories, have OW.

AgentJohnson · 28/08/2019 04:05

His moping is calculated mindfuck.

Winterlife · 28/08/2019 05:25

I am in no way condoning your husband’s behaviour, but surely you cannot expect a married man in his thirties to remain celibate for three years?

You need to deal with whatever is causing your mental block re sex.

Walkaround · 28/08/2019 06:13

I agree, Winterlife - marriage counselling was clearly needed long before the dh embarked on such a ludicrous relationship. Three years is a very long time to have no intimacy in a marriage, particularly if it really was caused purely by the dw's psychological reaction to birth trauma (and now by the dh's infidelity). Maybe the starting and ending of the affair has made the dh realise he cannot live like that any more and that looking for secret intimacy with inappropriate people is not going to help keep a possibly dead marriage limping along for the sake of the children.

wildcherries · 28/08/2019 09:01

Bizarre. Your children shouldn't be subjected to this. Value yourself above this twat of a moping husband and kick him out. Get angry.

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