To think husband should forgive me for his girlfriend breaking up with him

[consfusedandlookingforwine]

Two months ago I found out my husband had a girlfriend at work. He said that it was nothing serious, just a few dates and stolen kisses in the store room. He would have told me about it when they slept together. I was hurt and confided in my best friend. She did what any friend would do and confronted both of them. His girlfriend didn't like this and felt she was being attacked so broke up with him. Since then my husband has been like a broken hearted teenager. Mopping about I've seen him crying when he thinks I'm asleep. This girl was leaving for uni at the start of September anyway so they would have had to break it off sooner or later but I feel like he blames me. I didn't know my friend would do what she did but I'm being punished for it. We have become more like roommates then husband and wife and not even a family holiday could pull him out of it. He's short tempered with me and it seems nothing I do is good enough. AIBU to expect that after two months I should be forgiven.

Not a mistake to post on here op. I think we’re all a bit shocked that this could actually happen.

You need support in real life but if you can get support on these boards until you are ready to speak to someone in rl then please do stay. Yes it can be a bit brutal at times but sometimes we all need to hear it.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.

OP, you need help and you will get it on here, but AIBU is not the place. Please either ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships or start a new thread over there. Many people have been through similar and can give you help and advice.

I just got frozen out again this morning and it's left me feeling horrible

He is doing this to make you feel like crap so you won't stand up for yourself. He WANTS you to feel horrible, so you don't start to feel like you are worth more.

I get the feeling your husband has been emotionally abusive and has been gas-lighting you for some time.

He begged me to forgive him and I'm trying

You don't have to forgive him AT ALL. EVER. If you do choose to, some day it will be when YOU are ready and on YOUR terms.

Can't you see that he can't treat you like this and also get to basically order you to forgive him on command, freezing you out if you don't play ball?

Um? Ok... divorce?

Do you have an open relationship? No? Then it’s not so much a girlfriend as an affair. He’s a cheater. Why are you so calm and more bothered about the fact he’s acting like a heartbroken teen rather than broken your trust and had an affair behind your back?

I'm so sorry your husband is broken hearted - not.

He was in the wrong, not you, not your friend.

To help you find your anger:

Your DH having an affair will:

*Expose you to STDs.
*Destroy your peace of mind and life.
*Affect your children - them seeing their father treat their mother like a doormat is very unhealthy.
*Money that belongs to you and your children will be spent on the OW.
*OW could get pregnant and have his child.
*You never know when he will leave you all to be with OW.

OP you are in shock. You have gone into shut down mode. It's natural especially if you didn't see it coming. In such a scenario the first feeling may not actually be to demand more and give him his marching orders. The tendency may be to go into preservation mode, to protect your life, your DCs lives, because the fear of it falling apart is just too frightening and heartbreaking.

Now you say your husband wants forgiveness. I'm assuming from your OP that he really gave you the difficult details. Facts are he loved something about this woman, and he's not attempted to hide it.

Now this may just be the reality laid bare so im not judging. Perhaps the ugly honesty means you really have a chance to work through it as he's not hiding the fact he was emotionally attached.

But in any case you lost balance here. You can listen and be open to the shitty details and try to work things out fine. But you also MUST send him a message that it's unacceptable. Shouting and getting angry don't mean shit to men. All it does is make you appear unpleasant (no matter how justified) and confirm in their twisted minds that the other woman is sooo much more loving and sooo much less hassle. Men respond to actions.

So you tell him if he can't stop himself from crying over this woman he must get out of your house and go to her. But just so he knows, you'll be seeing your solicitor and the path to coming back will be closed. Permanently. You go ice queen on him with regards to sex. Kick him out.

Forgiveness is fine. But evidence of remorse is pretty important first. Telling you he's finding it difficult, and being open is one thing. Sitting around moping, and shifting blame is self pity and not evidence of remorse.

Wait...

How old is everyone?

You and your husband have school aged children but the girlfriend is leaving for uni, making her what, 18?

Either you got married and had kids as teenagers yourselves or he’s creepy AF.

The question is not whether he should forgive you for his girlfriend breaking up with him! The question is whether you should forgive him for having a girlfriend in the first place!

I am seriously shocked. This is NOT acceptable. If anything you should be forgiving him for having an affair and not the other way round. I would find someone who gives you the respect you deserve. He's not worth it.

He has neatly shifted the blame for his behaviour onto you and make it all your problem. Sounds like a big manipulator who has ground you down over the years.

In everyone's life some rain must fall. Or was it sharks? I always get them mixed up.

Get counselling please.

I would gather all his stuff together in plastic bags, dump them outside, throw him out and change the locks. Oh and ignore him from here on in.

Oft this guys done a good job on you hasn't he OP!

Oh dear, your update was heartbreaking, please don't give up, ask MNHQ to move this to relationships. I think people are reacting this way because it's AIBU and we usually come here to enjoy a bunfight, and also the situation seems unreal, because he really has done a number on you, hasn't he?

I think you're in shock, and are trying to hold together the semblance of your marriage, because to admit it is all over is just too scary to contemplate right now, with kids and your home and your whole life as it is (was) on the line.

If I were you, I would leave him to his moping. He is not your concern. Instead, use the time and energy to contact someone like a counsellor, or Refuge/Freedom programme, to get your head straight FIRST, to work out how YOU feel and what YOU want.

He is not worth a single tear, the self-serving teen-bothering selfish careless cretin. HE'S done this to the family unit, to the kids, to you. He's put a grubby grope on a box of staplers over his entire family life. He deserves to lose the lot.

Jesus, I'M getting angry with him just writing this.

We are both mid 30s. She is 22. We haven't had a physical relationship for about 3 years. Traumatic birth has made me terrified of being intimate even after he had the snip. Divorce is not an option at the moment as I have taken a career break to raise our youngest and wouldn't have the money to do that.

Oh and get yourself round to that friend's house, the one who gave the pair of them a well deserved gobful. She's got your back, even if you are too bewildered, hurt, confused and gaslighted to stick up for yourself right now. She sounds brilliant.

I don't understand this post, can anyone clarify recap? It sounds as if you have an open relationship? If that is not the case then why would you not be hurt, pissed off at him for betraying your marriage? The original post comes across as if you are ok with him having a girlfriend but upset because of the way he is moping about her not the fact that he was seeing a young woman whilst married to you? Really doesn't make any sense to me!

So YOU want to be forgiven or HIM having an affair. cant get my head around that tbh. You need to get out of this asap.

Oh dear, did the poor man not get his willy wet often enough? Well he can stick it where he likes now, he's not your problem.

Divorce is not an option at the moment as I have taken a career break to raise our youngest and wouldn't have the money to do that

There are ways to handle this and I know there are posters here who will help you do just that.

Bet your DH thinks he's got you right where he wants you and thinks you are trapped. That's likely why his behaviour is so outrageous.

I'm sorry, what? He had another relationship and you are worried that he hasn't forgiven YOU** yet???

This is bizarre, if he wants to stay with you, he should be begging for your forgiveness, not moping around like a heartbroken teenager.*
*
And btw OP, in the nicest way possible, please grow some balls and RESPECT yourself!

Get rid. Then you won't have to be forgiven and you'll be free of this 'man'.