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Original poster

To think husband should forgive me for his girlfriend breaking up with him

172 replies

consfusedandlookingforwine · 27/08/2019 12:23

Two months ago I found out my husband had a girlfriend at work. He said that it was nothing serious, just a few dates and stolen kisses in the store room. He would have told me about it when they slept together. I was hurt and confided in my best friend. She did what any friend would do and confronted both of them. His girlfriend didn't like this and felt she was being attacked so broke up with him. Since then my husband has been like a broken hearted teenager. Mopping about I've seen him crying when he thinks I'm asleep. This girl was leaving for uni at the start of September anyway so they would have had to break it off sooner or later but I feel like he blames me. I didn't know my friend would do what she did but I'm being punished for it. We have become more like roommates then husband and wife and not even a family holiday could pull him out of it. He's short tempered with me and it seems nothing I do is good enough. AIBU to expect that after two months I should be forgiven.

OP posts:
SimplySteveRedux · 27/08/2019 13:28

Are you aware you have nonexistent boundaries?

Lulualla · 27/08/2019 13:28

The only way your opening post makes sense is if you have an open relationship with an agreement to always tell each other about girlfriends and boyfriends.

If you don't have an open relationship then what the actual fuck is going On?

Your husband had an affair. But you call the woman his girlfriend, and you let him blame you for his girlfriend leaving him. You watch him cry about her, let him ruin family holidays, let him make your home life miserable and uncomfortable, let him punish you and treat you like you've done something bad? I don't understand any of it.

He had an affair. He casually says that he'd have told you when he had sex with her. And you're just sitting there letting him do that, taking the blame for his girlfriend leaving him and allowing him to make life for you and your kids miserable whilst he cries over her? What is going on in your head?

Your marriage is over. Find a way to deal with that and leave.

Drabarni · 27/08/2019 13:28

Divorce is not an option at the moment as I have taken a career break to raise our youngest and wouldn't have the money to do that.

Your poor children, do you not care? Of course divorce is possible and I can't believe you think so little of your kids.
He's a twat and not worth the steam off your shit, are your kids really not worth anymore.

Catbrat · 27/08/2019 13:28

This must be a joke, if not, pack his shit, and tell him to fuck off and go live with his girlfriend.

RainbowJumpers · 27/08/2019 13:29

People are reacting harshly because it sounds so unbelievably appalling. I think at the minute you probably can’t see the woods from the trees. What you need to do is find your anger and stop letting him make you feel responsible. You have nothing to apologise for. Your friend did nothing wrong.

Why is your self esteem so low? Has your DH always acted so terribly? He shouldn’t even have a gf, let alone be moping around about one. He’s an absolute tool.

Ravenblack · 27/08/2019 13:31

@consfusedandlookingforwine

PLEASE do not let yourself be treated like this. You deserve sooooo much better.

Please look for a way out of this relationship. Sad

Batcrazymum3 · 27/08/2019 13:33

I don’t even know where to start!
I think the number of removed comments tells you all you need to know.

SimplySteveRedux · 27/08/2019 13:36

You should read Susan Forward's book "Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them".

Hotbiscuits · 27/08/2019 13:38

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SimplySteveRedux · 27/08/2019 13:38

Also you should read the outofthefog.website (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).

justilou1 · 27/08/2019 13:38

I know a couple who went through this too. He was almost 50 and OW was early to mid 20’s. He claims that the affair was purely an emotional one and his wife genuinely trusts that this is true. He moped and bemoaned the loss of his “deep friendship” and that he “felt like he had lost a soulmate” all the while stating that it was truly over with OW and he wanted to save his marriage. BUT - his behaviour was never acknowledged, as he clearly did not want to be the bad guy at all. So she lost her shit and told him that SHE was supposed to be his soulmate and the one with whom he should be choosing a “deep” friendship, not some silly, ego-feeding twit who wasn’t going to put up with his moods or those of his teenagers. Much counselling later, they are a strong unit. (Despite nasty little troll getting herself transferred into his department for a while.)

TooGood2BeFalse · 27/08/2019 13:40

@Hotbiscuits that's out of line

SaraNade · 27/08/2019 13:41

Why would you want your husband to forgive you for HIS having an 'affair'?!?? Why did you call the other woman his 'girlfriend'? How can she be his girlfriend, when you are married, you are his wife? Therefore she was never his girlfriend, because she can't be because he is a married man. Married men aren't allowed to have girlfriends. Unless, as I suspect, you are in a religion where more than one wife (ie 4) are allowed? Or an open relationship? You don't even call it what it is; an AFFAIR. You act as if it is totally normal for a married man to have a 'girlfriend'. That is the chilling part. And that, is why you are getting the responses you are getting. You don't seem to even care that your husband is having an affair?!?? You just want to be 'forgiven' (for something you never did) instead of telling us what a cheating pos bastard he is. Your whole reaction and tone is......completely off for a normal married woman.

LillithsFamiliar · 27/08/2019 13:41

@MNHQ if OP is a long-term poster perhaps you could move this to Relationships for her instead?

OP you need to tell more people. His cheating is no longer a secret anyway since your friend confronted him at work. Tell everyone - your family, his family, your friends.You need to see how people react to this in RL. You need a jolt out of your panic and stupor, and your DH needs a sharp wake-up call. Other people's reactions can help with both.

I'm so sorry that he has you so downtrodden that your focus is on him forgiving you rather than him begging for forgiveness from you. You deserve so much better Flowers

Rainonmyguitar · 27/08/2019 13:41

Oh my...he's really done a job on you hasn't he? You sound brain-washed. He's crying over another woman and you're ok with that? GET HIM OUT!!!

sparkles07 · 27/08/2019 13:43

Please get some counselling and spend more time with the friend who confronted them! You need to LTB, but if you can't face that yet, you need to start working on yourself, your self esteem and your future. You don't have a future with him.

BunnyColvin · 27/08/2019 13:44

as I have taken a career break to raise our youngest and wouldn't have the money to do that

My advice? Make plans to get back into the workforce and take ownership of your life, including kicking him to the kerb.

beccarocksbaby · 27/08/2019 13:47

HE should be making this up to YOU

If he's still moping around after her - how old was she btw if she's moving away to uni 😳 - he's not doing anything to make up for the fact that he's acted like a cunt.

Tell him to go and mope somewhere the fuck else and stop making his inappropriate feelings your problem.

InsertFunnyUsername · 27/08/2019 13:50

No he shouldn't. How could you!!

Hes a tosser and you can do better.

beccarocksbaby · 27/08/2019 13:50

I was a single mum when I divorced my ex. It wasn't difficult or expensive.

I let go of a lot but it was done and I was free.

NeatFreakMama · 27/08/2019 13:52

@consfusedandlookingforwine I can't tell if this is a wind up so just in case it isn't....

This husband of yours has no respect for you, he has a 'girlfriend' outside of your marriage and he had every intention of sleeping with her.

NOTHING here is your fault. You needed the support of your friend (and got it). The only person I'd bother blaming her is your husband.

I sort of understand you are on a career break so it's not a great time but I can't imagine raising children who have a father that treats their mother this way, it's gross. He is a shit husband and your children will learn it. You can leave and many people here can give amazing advise (both financial and otherwise) to support you doing that.

oysterfound · 27/08/2019 13:52

I think people are incredulous at your tolerance and self-blame while this man is treating you so badly. It sounds like he thinks the relationship was ok if no sex? But he has clearly made an emotional commitment to this woman, so has seriously betrayed you, whether or not they had sex.

By all means try couples counselling, but also need to think about the practicalities of how you could cope if it comes to leaving him. Work out the finances - could you get a job & on what pay? How much would childcare be? How much would it cost to set up a second household, whichever of you moved out - rent, furniture, other necessities? How much does he earn? Go to Citizens Advice and get some info on your rights and how this could work.

And do whatever you need to do to work on your self esteem. This man shouldn't be making you feel that you are to blame for HIS horrible behaviour.

LookingForward2020 · 27/08/2019 13:52

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Littlechocola · 27/08/2019 13:52

Do you have an open relationship?

MNHQ
HopeMumsnet · 27/08/2019 14:01

[quote LillithsFamiliar]@MNHQ if OP is a long-term poster perhaps you could move this to Relationships for her instead?
[/quote]

That's a good idea, thanks, we will do that, hopefully that will curtail some of the trollhunters.