To think husband should forgive me for his girlfriend breaking up with him

[consfusedandlookingforwine]

Two months ago I found out my husband had a girlfriend at work. He said that it was nothing serious, just a few dates and stolen kisses in the store room. He would have told me about it when they slept together. I was hurt and confided in my best friend. She did what any friend would do and confronted both of them. His girlfriend didn't like this and felt she was being attacked so broke up with him. Since then my husband has been like a broken hearted teenager. Mopping about I've seen him crying when he thinks I'm asleep. This girl was leaving for uni at the start of September anyway so they would have had to break it off sooner or later but I feel like he blames me. I didn't know my friend would do what she did but I'm being punished for it. We have become more like roommates then husband and wife and not even a family holiday could pull him out of it. He's short tempered with me and it seems nothing I do is good enough. AIBU to expect that after two months I should be forgiven.

I will be the first to admit my self esteems nonexistent and posting here was obviously just another stupid mistake on my part.

Eh?!

Not a mistake to post.
Just re-reAd what you've written and think about your options.

"Stolen kisses" smacks of Mills & Boon, OP.

Anyway - you ought to be very angry with him for having had an affair.

If you think your marriage is worth it, then get some counselling.

If your DH is so upset about this it does not bode well for your future together.

I will be the first to admit my self esteems nonexistent and posting here was obviously just another stupid mistake on my part

For what it's worth, I think you've done a very BRAVE thing in posting here. If AIBU is too rough for you, it may be better to explore your problems in the Relationship Board.

It does sound like your real issue lies with your non-existent self-esteem and so this is where you should start.

Please stick around for help and support through all this, not necessarily on the AIBU board though. Don't go away and stop yourself getting the help you need.

People will listen and people do care. Honestly

consfusedandlookingforwine what advice would you give to a friend who told you this was happening to her?

No it wasn’t a mistake you posting here OP, but maybe it will open your eyes and make you realise what you need to do.

It sounds to me as this isn’t the right relationship for either of you.

OP go to relate by yourself and talk through with someone to decide if this is a relationship u want to be in

Have you always had negative self esteem?

I think him forgiving you should be the last thing on your mind, OP.

The fact that he's devastated over another woman means that your relationship is effectively over. I'm so sorry.

The best thing you can do is start the process of making a new life for yourself, and if you ever need anyone to tell him to stop being a complete dick, I'm here.

He begged for forgiveness, but he's not actually working for it is he? Sorry OP, it seems it's difficult for you but I think this time to accept that YOU cannot solve this, and boot him to the kerb. If he's determined to keep you then this may well shock him I to realising that he needs to MEAN IT. If it doesn't jolt him, then at least you're ahead of the game and have kept your self worth intact.

So much nastiness on here

I can understand why someone might be tempted to forgive their OH for a bit of flirtation and a couple of kisses but the fact he's moping around and crying, and thinks you need to apologise for scaring off OW is a whole other ball game. Why on earth would you stick around when it's clear he's fallen for someone else?

Teenage children

I just got frozen out again this morning and it's left me feeling horrible. He begged me to forgive him and I'm trying.

How can he freeze you out and beg you to forgive him at the same time?

Anyway, while its really annoying for your DH to lose his girlfriend I find it unusual that an 18 year old who has just finished her exams to get into uni would be interested in a married man. If so, then she's clearly a threat to your marriage because the best type of person for this sort of arrangement is a confirmed singleton or a walkover who isn't going to expect more.

cf many members of the aristocracy and their "discreet affairs".

He would have told me about it when they slept together.

Well, that makes all the difference. No problems then.

This girl was leaving for uni at the start of September anyway

One suggestion to stop him moping around (which seems to be the core of your issue and the only issue you have expressed with the whole situation) is to sit down with him and think about and organise a ripper going away gift. Something she would really love and would be just the thing for a young new uni student.

Great website - Chump Lady.

Read this page on finding your anger and right to feel angry:

When I read on infidelity boards, and some poor soul is reckoning with the aftermath of DDay, I see it posted time and again “Get mad!” “Find your anger!” “Where are your balls?! Don’t be a fucking doormat!” As is often the case, the chump is wallowing around, trying to make sense of bullshit, doing the humiliating dance of “pick me!” and generally just spinning their wheels miserably

Why is anger so hard for chumps? Well, first of all — you love the cheater. (Or did.) It’s scary to be angry at the people we love. Maybe they’ll leave us. Maybe they’ll let us down in other worse ways (are there other worse ways? Because people, I think you’ve arrived at worse here.) Second, to get good and righteously pissed off at injustice, you have to value yourself. You have to operate from the assumption that you deserve better than this. And that sounds so common sense, but if you’ve been mindfucked for a long time, gaslighted, made to feel only worthy as kibble production for the Great Narcissist, it may be hard to summon up the sense that hey, you MATTER. And third, anger is so hard because we get a lot of messages to not be angry. Especially women. No one will ever date you if you’re angry. Seriously, you’re unfuckable you shrieking harpy. Okay, not only is it unattractive, it’s Wrong! You should forgive and understand and choke down that shit sandwich and say thank you, this has been a learning experience. Don’t do anger, do enlightenment

www.chumplady.com/2013/01/got-anger/

If this is real, OP then you really need to form a higher opinion of yourself because you deserve better!!

consfused - your dh is an arsehole and I think your relationship is doomed. Is he young, or an old fart going through a midlife crisis and having inappropriate relationships with teenagers?! Or is the girl he was slavering all over a mature student?

Your children deserve better than you both tbh, and I pity them.
What sort of a role model are you to them? A mug and a door mat and maybe suffering from a sti.

I don’t think posting on here was a mistake. You’ve seen how incredulous people are that he is behaving this way- harness that- tell him that what he’s done, and is doing now, is completely unacceptable. Do not allow him to wallow- he either shapes up or ships out. He absolutely WILL do this again if you allow it.

1. Kick the dirty bastard out.
2. Work on your self esteem.

You might find pt. 2 much easier when you’ve got pt. 1 sorted. I suspect there’s a reason why your self esteem is so low. You deserve better.

I thought this was one of those piss takes of a soap story line that sometimes comes up on here, for being too unbelievable. If it's not op, and this is really your life then you should have counselling for yourself, not couples counselling when the kids are back at school. Just you. You need to work out why you think it's ok for him to dismiss your feelings. He's your husband, he's supposed to care about you more than anyone else. I feel really sad for you that you think this is what you're worth.

What Lipz said