To think husband should forgive me for his girlfriend breaking up with him

[consfusedandlookingforwine]

Two months ago I found out my husband had a girlfriend at work. He said that it was nothing serious, just a few dates and stolen kisses in the store room. He would have told me about it when they slept together. I was hurt and confided in my best friend. She did what any friend would do and confronted both of them. His girlfriend didn't like this and felt she was being attacked so broke up with him. Since then my husband has been like a broken hearted teenager. Mopping about I've seen him crying when he thinks I'm asleep. This girl was leaving for uni at the start of September anyway so they would have had to break it off sooner or later but I feel like he blames me. I didn't know my friend would do what she did but I'm being punished for it. We have become more like roommates then husband and wife and not even a family holiday could pull him out of it. He's short tempered with me and it seems nothing I do is good enough. AIBU to expect that after two months I should be forgiven.

You're effectively living separated lives anyway, OP, but under the same roof.

Does your DH want to continue in this marriage?

Aside from the fear of being alone/money worries etc (which every SAHP facing divorce has), do you want to be married to him?

If you haven't been intimate for 3 years, you haven't yet had counselling to sort that out, your DH has started an affair and YOU are being blamed for it - then I think your marriage is already over, I'm sorry.

Splitting up seems scary but it is probably for the best for your children, unless you think there is a real possibility you and your DH still love each other and can find a way back to each other.

Life is long, and it may be better for your DC to have separated but stable parents than two parents in the same household who are causing each other pain.

Please get some counselling and spend more time with the friend who confronted them!

Absolutely THIS. You sound as if you’ve lost any clarity to see that this is outrageous behaviour by your husband, @consfusedandlookingforwine. He has brainwashed you and that, combined with your loss of self esteem, is making you think this is acceptable. It absolutely is NOT.

I wonder what advice you’d give a friend in the same situation? Or your daughter if she was older?

You need urgent counselling for the traumatic birth and fear of intimacy and then you need counselling to regain your self esteem so you can find your rightful anger and kick this awful man into touch - not only for your sake but for the sake of your children because at the moment all you will teach them is that you are a doormat and that self respect is optional.

why are you accepting this from him?? He'd be out the door if he was my dh! Doesn't sound like he respects you at all!

Have a plan in place to leave ASAP, not just for yourself, but for your children's sake as well. Do you really want them to grow up thinking that this is how a relationship should be? Children from dysfunctional families, more often than not, end up in dysfunctional relationships themselves where they are not respected and are treated like dirt. Staying doesn't benefit anyone other than your husband.

Ok 2 answers based on what could be answers from questions you haven't responded to.

First. If you guys are in an open relationship/are polyamorous, and you have an agreement to tell each other about other relationships, he still broke his agreement with you, which in my mind is cheating. And his gf breaking up with him is NOT something you should be taking the blame for. Her actions are HER CHOICE. He is treating you appallingly and I do happen to have several grips just lying around should he want to get one.

Second. If you are in a traditional marriage HE IS A CHEATING ASSHOLE. He is still treating you appallingly.

I find your way of thinking seriously warped here and can only imagine that this is because this arsehole has done such a number on you, probably over a number of years.

You owe him no forgiveness or apologies at all. He has behaved atrociously and is continuing to do so. He had an affair (yes, he did, whatever he tries to say). The girl was no better. The pair of them were being utterly sleazy.

Pick up your self-esteem out of the gutter and tell him that you won't be standing for this shit. Of course divorce is an option.

It isn't a question of whether or not he can forgive you for the departure of his sleazy girlfriend. It is a question of whether you even want to try and forgive him for having an affair in the first place.

HE has seriously betrayed YOU. Not the other way round, so if he tries that one again then tell him to get to fuck.

His behaviour since your friend tackled the pair of them suggests that he sees nothing wrong with what he did, so he will probably do it again. Don't hang around to find out.

I wouldn't be able to continue in the relationship.

@Lipz totally this

Initially l thought you had an open marriage but increasingly l don’t think that’s the case. In all seriousness if you let this shit slide and feed into this bullshit. He will do it over and over again. You should feel no pressure to forgive him or even continue your relationship

You deserve better than that poor excuse of a husband.

@consfusedandlookingforwine you poor lass. Nothing to add other than start working on yourself first. Only when you’re in a good place yourself can you start making decisions that are in you and your children’s best interest. Remember, your children are learning their life lessons from the both of you.

OP you need to tell more people

This ^

Tell the truth and shame the devil.

You can self refer for counselling or CBT through the NHS using the IAPT service. Do you think that might help a little if leaving isn't an option you want to explore?

Not quite sure how to put this OP.

Oh yeah - you are married to a cheating bastard. He won't change. Boot him out of your life.

He begged me to forgive him and I'm trying.

So ask him what exactly he plans to do to earn your forgiveness. First thing on the list is to acknowledge that he was 100% at fault and neither you nor your friend did anything wrong; second is to forget about this girl, stop moping around and sulking, and especially to stop being bad-tempered over nothing. Finally, if you're up for it, consider seriously insisting that you both go for couples counselling.

What do your friends in rl say about this? Think how you feel if one of friends was in this situation and how you react/advice you would give. If you can't leave financially then that's awful but you seem to have been blindsided by him and his attitude towards you is totally unacceptable if you can't leave. Just because you aren't intimate doesn't give him the right to go elsewhere. Maybe you are blaming yourself for this but unless you have an open relationship then this isn't right AT ALL. Give your head a wobble OP you deserve so much more.

Are you in an open relationship? I'm very confused by this..... If you'd described her as the OW then you'd be getting the standard LTB responses.

I'm glad you posted here because I think you need a reality check. Please, please do yourself a favour and leave this horrible man. He is pathetic and you deserve better.

Does he believe that you both have made some sort of agreement where he can have sex with other people because you no longer feel able to? And that is why he is angry, because that arrangement has been spoilt by your friend's intervention?

I'm just trying to understand the circumstances in which HE is angry and YOU are deemed to have done something wrong

@Bumpingbumping

Nice.

He begged me to forgive him and I'm trying. Guess I didn't make that part clear
But he's not trying is he?
He's blaming you - HIS WIFE - for breaking up his other relationship. Do you NOT see how fucking wrong this is.
Please kick him out.
Do it today.
Let him grieve for his lost love but away from you and your DC.
What a fucking awful human being he is.
Tell him to fuck off!

God I hope this isn't real.
No-one is this dumb surely?????

Yes YABVVU, OP. Your DH sounds like a petulant, immature twat, frankly. Why the fuck are you after his forgiveness? the only thing you should be after is his money. Once you've got it, tell him the fuck the fuck off. That's what I'd be doing. Bin him off, and sharpish.

You're waiting for his forgiveness for him having a girlfriend?

If you had/have a DD and in years to come she told you her DH had a girlfriend but she was waiting for him to forgive her for causing the break up, what would you advise?

Your situation is all kinds of wrong and I really feel sorry for you that you feel this is all you're worth.

You poor woman. This man ought to be jumping through hoops to win your forgiveness after his behaviour. Could your low self esteem be related to your relationship with him and how he treats you? I urge you to get counselling to boost your self confidence. Once you have learned how to love yourself I think you will be filing for divorce swiftly afterwards, but at the moment I can completely understand why it feels better to stay in a nightmare relationship than to leave.