Son wants nothing to do with me!

[Wilf1975]

I was married to my first husband, we had a son & daughter together. My husband was mentally, physically & emotionally abusive to the three of us. I eventually found the strength to leave him when my son was 8 and my daughter was 6.
Six months of him leaving my husband took an overdose and ended up in a vegetative state in a nursing home for four years until he died in 2013.
The three of us were always close until my son started going out with his girlfriend 3 years ago. He walked out 2 years ago and I have not really seen him. I have tried everything to try and be included in his life but he doesn’t want that. He totally despises me and blames me for his childhood. My daughter told me yesterday he is getting married in February and will not be inviting me.
I miss him so much, can’t help but think there is something wrong with me. I have a rubbish relationship with my own mum and didn’t want to end up like that.
I feel tired, the people close to me treat me like rubbish and I don’t think I deserve this. It is just one thing after another, I just want some peace and be a family. It feels like I am always picking up after other people and have no say in things. I feel so sad..........

The fact that people are trying to silence, on here of all places, actual victims like yourself is deeply and utterly disgusting

What a manipulative false statement.

@Treesthemovie You clearly do because how else can you be so shockingly ill-informed? And your analogy? Are you seriously claiming that a woman who is raped, is comparable to a third party ie a CHILD being abused while the mother stands by? Omg. This gets more and more absurd. Your analogy would only work if a fellow woman helped catch and abduct a woman with her partner and stood by and allowed the partner to raped the abducted woman. Goodness. Compare like with like. A person who stands by and does nothing while a person is raped, is an enabler and no better than the rapist. This is basic human and societal common sense. How is it that you cannot understand that?

Absolutely stunning ignorance on here from some people. And no interest at all in gaining another perspective.

Shocking.

LaLoba agreed, the lack of awareness on here is disturbing. If these people, who have clearly led a sheltered life, would suggest a mother standing by and not stopping a person attacking or abusing her son has 0% responsibility, it worries me what they would allow happen. Allowing a child to be raped....."oh, it's not my fault, your honour! I know I didn't stop it, I know I allowed it, but...but-but-but I didn't rape her, HE is responsible!" It disturbs me that people who have this mindset may have children themselves.

@saranade this isnt about "basic societal common sense" this is abuse abuse, which is far from a common sense topic. And you are missing the point entirely - my point is that your victim blaming attitude of "strong women don't allow themselves to be abused" is comparable to victim blaming surrounding abuse. There is a difference between an abusive mother and a mother who is a victim of abusive and does not leave an abusive relationship which I am trying to explain to you. Call any decent child psychologist who specialises in DV - they will tell you this.

"Victim of abuse

If these people, who have clearly led a sheltered life, would suggest a mother standing by and not stopping a person attacking or abusing her son has 0% responsibility, it worries me what they would allow happen

I've read the entire thread but didn't see that^. Who suggested that?

@Treesthemovie I did not say strong women don't allow themselves to be abused. The point I was making was that women are able to remove themselves from that situation, if they truly want to. Especially when children are involved, many will find a strength like a mamma bear that they didn't know they had, if it were only them themselves. Most mothers wish to protect their children from harm. Suggesting that all women are too weak to do so, is a misogynistic and anti-feminist insult.

@rainonmyguitar I believe this was aimed at my post, this poster had completely twisted my words in an effort to blame abused women for their children's trauma.

@saranade again you show your complete ignorance of abusive relationships. Though this is not the common sense societal knowledge on the topic - in fact, some women even stay with their abusers because they sense their children are safer, yes SAFER, in the home with the abuser. It may shock you, but some abusive men are so dangerous that they kill their exes and kids when the abused woman leaves. These are the kinds of balancing acts abused women face. Keep patting yourself on the back though at how you're not like those silly weak women.

Too true, @OhHimAgain. The bizarre thing is, they actually think they are right! They actually truly think we are the ones who are uneducated, know nothing, have no idea of abuse etc. Their absolute turning everything about is astonishing. The misplaced self-righteousness and self-belief. It's just. Unbelievable. They are making a fool of themselves, minimising abuse, and suggesting a woman can't leave because.....woman. That this would even be allowed on MN is unbelievable. That these posters have such a profound lack of understanding of neglect (and it's various forms), enabling, abuse etc is just shocking, that they actually think they are the enlightened ones is breathtaking.

There is a difference between an abusive mother and a mother who is a victim of abusive and does not leave an abusive relationship which I am trying to explain to you

This is correct.

But the experience of the child is no different.

Seriously @Treesthemovie You have absolutely no idea. You really don't. You have no idea just how damaging your narrative is, and no twisting of my words will change that. You really have no idea. Sadder than that, the arrogance and lack of self-awareness, the cognitive dissonance means you won't even stop to consider that maybe I/OhHimAgain etc etc are right, and you just might be wrong. You just won't even consider that will you. You and Dishes are beyond reasoning with, I see that now.

@ohhimagain that's true and it's a very sad fact of abuse. However blaming the victim of abuse does no one any favours. A good mother who is in/has left an abusive relationship will accept her child's trauma and work with her child through it, and support the child through any difficult emotions. Regardless victim blaming is pointless and simply ignorant.

@saranade I see you are trying to attack me now and call me arrogant. The only person that has twisted words is you. I hope you have a think to yourself and stop pushing victim blaming arguments as some kind of feminist revolution.

The true victim of abuse is always the CHILD. Above all. They are the true victims and the ones to be most concerned about, because they have no ability to leave. Ignoring this is beyond ignorant, and is harmful. Time for me to hide this thread of ignore some posters (I so wish we could block on here). I am so disgusted.

But because you have shared your experience I think people are a bit loathe to say hang on you are out of order - I'll say it. *OhHimAgain's comment was nasty.
To say 'you reap what you sow' to a woman who was in an abusive relationship is disgusting.

By all means give your perspective but her story is different to yours and your language was out of order.

*or ignore some posters.

Are any of the victim blaming posters here aware that some women "stand by" during the abuser attacking their children because they know he will do 10x worse if she interferes? Yes, some are simply neglectful, but that is not the case for the majority of mothers. Most are doing the best they can in a bad situation.

@saranade and here your real attitude comes out. You don't truly believe that an adult woman can be a victim of abuse. Thank you for making that clear.

OP I'm sorry. The abuse has taken a toll on you all. As much as I am sure you wish you could change the past, you can't. You can and should continue to try with your son, but not at the expense of yourself. He's an adult now. You have regrets. Don't waste the rest of your life beating yourself up for something you can't change. By all means keep trying, but take care of yourself.

A good mother who is in/has left an abusive relationship will accept her child's trauma and work with her child through it, and support the child through any difficult emotions

Again, I agree, so to very tentatively return it to the OP's situation and her son...

Why is her son unable to discuss this with her?
Why, when she has brought it up, does he clam up and end up ranting?
Reading between the lines - the very heavy use of "I" in the OP's postings and very little empathy shown with her son's experience but a lot of why me? e.g. "what is wrong with me?" and "the people close to me treat me like rubbish" and "perhaps he isn't ready to listen to me" it doesn't sound to me as though the son's trauma has been met or that he has been supported to work through difficult emotions.

And that is what informed my advice of needing to meet him where he is at rather than where she is at.

That he doesn't need to hear or understand his mum's perspective at all but that may be will be able to once he feels that he and his experience have been heard and validated.

And that the advice from some people to tell him where she was at back then or write to him about how it was for her is terrible advice and is likely to make the situation worse.

People who feel 'heard' and 'supported' generally don't clam up, or rant, or cut a parent out.

What do you think the son's experience has been?