Bloody guilt!

[Winona45]

I've recently ended a 20+ year marriage.
We had drifted apart massively, he hadnt worked in 15 year's due to chronic illness. We weren't a couple, i did everything alone including holidays with the kids. I also worked full-time and did everything at home.
He's also recently suffered with severe paranoia and mental health issues. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had enough and asked him to leave.

6 weeks later he's still devastated. Still phoning and texting, asking to come home. Very sad and often angry about his future , lack of prospects and not being with the kids. He wants to come home.

My problem is i feel SO so guilty. He doesnt work due to his illness so i feel like not only have i ended the marriage I've also taken the home and the kids leaving him with nothing.
I work and pay for everything so technically that's right but i feel dreadful. We rent so there's no mortgage involved.
I feel so stuck. He's so sad. Declaring love for me and making promises. I feel like i should just give in to make life easier and stop this guilt .
How do i move forward?
Im 46 what if im making a terrible mistake?

Does he get help for his mental health problems?

Don't feel guilty. It must be really difficult living with him - you don't have to martyr yourself for the sake of someone else.

And was his illness such that he couldn't run the hoover round or wash the dishes?

Don’t have much to say but couldn’t read and run.
Do you think you’ve made a mistake? Do you want him back?
I think these feelings probably just prove you aren’t heartless, it seems right you shouldn’t take ending a 20 year marriage lightly. But that doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong decision.

What illness is it though?
Can he move?
Can he walk?
Can he lift things?
If so then he can do housework while you are at work.
Did he do childcare?

What help and medication does he have for his mental health problems?

You KNOW you have made the right decision.
How old are the DC?

He is due to see someone in September to discuss his mental health. There has been a huge waiting list.
I don't think he thinks there is anything wrong at all but is doing it because he thinks it's what I want.
So i don't know how much he'll get out of it.

His illness is ME. He rarely did house work and hasn't really left the house in a year.

Honestly, i dont know if I've made a mistake. I don't think i have i do think we're over. There was no intimacy, we did nothing together and i don't think im attracted to him anymore. At the same time i just wish he were like he was before being ill !!
He's now starting to send me texts that make me feel like im being emotionally blackmailed. Telling me ive wasted his life, how he has nothing etc

Sometimes i think he can do far more then he lets on.
He sleeps a LOT but was always awake at night. I laterally did everything. I rearranged my work hours to drop my under 10 year old off at school before working full time. Id then collect him on the way home and do dinner, housework etc. I was exhausted.
He would mainly do some light gardening and sit in the garden and smoke.
I was SO resentful in the end i couldn't barely speak to him

What illness is it though? M.E
Can he move? yes and drive.
Can he walk? Yes
Can he lift things? Yes
If so then he can do housework while you are at work. He does not.
Did he do childcare? Not at all.

You've made the right decision.
'Wasted his life', pah! What a joker, you've been baby sitting his butt for years.

You're gonna have to be firm with him. 'I wish you all the best but it's over and that's final. Stop it with the guilt trip texts, and take responsibility for your own damn life like a grown up because I'm done'.

Block him on everything bar maybe one method of contact for discussion about the kids only. If he starts to guilt trip you, or change topic, hang up/don't respond.

You don't need to feel this guilt, you have given this man 15 years of your life, now its time to live for you. You deserve to find happiness.

I know youre right i just can't help feeling guilty.
He hasn't worked for 15 years so has no earning potential and has moved back with his mother. I honestly don't know how he will rebuild a life. But that's not my esponsibility i know.

Today he is texting the kids that he's sorry, that he'll always love them etc and it's really unnerving them.

Telling me ive wasted his life, how he has nothing etc

The cheek of this lazy shitbag has me fuming on your behalf.

Let me get this right, he's saying YOU'VE wasted HIS life?

What a fucking joke! He's the one who's been sat on his arse for 15 years; no help with housework and no help with his children. Yet he can manage to sit in the garden and smoke?

Maybe suggest that if he gives up the fags that might help his other symptoms.

STOP FEELING GUILTY right now. Yes, he is emotionally blackmailing you because he knows you've carried him for years. And now he can't cope with the idea of you know, looking after himself.

Utterly, utterly pathetic. Please block him for a few days to give yourself a break from his constant whining.

And block him on your kids' phones too; only has to be temporarily but he's upsetting them and that's not on. Do what you have to do to protect them.

Single mum who has received diagnoses of ME/fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue syndrome over the years since late teens. Am now 39. Have had some periods where I felt so ill and exhausted that I was in bed most of the day and washing myself was a major effort. (My mum gave a lot of practical help with DD was younger but unfortunately is very controlling and didn't like it when I got better and wanted to take back control of my life). Typically these episodes would last a couple of months then I'd gradually make myself do a bit more day by day until I could function properly again (which might take several months). I also have anxiety and have had depression and recognise the link between mental illness, stress and chronic illness. I take responsibility for managing my own mental and physical health, look after my kid, work when I am able on a self-employed basis and do the basic household tasks like cooking and shopping, bare minimum of cleaning, have to pace and prioritise. I know there are people with ME who are a lot sicker and I consider myself to be in remission so I'm fortunate. Your husband could have a worse case for all I know. But he is responsible for his own health, you are not, and you should not feel guilty at all.

@YesSheCan,

Sorry about your diagnosis but it sounds as though you have a really positive attitude; even during bad episodes. OP's husband, on the other hand, just sounds like he's been milking it for years:

What illness is it though? M.E
Can he move? yes and drive
Can he walk? Yes
Can he lift things? Yes
If so then he can do housework while you are at work. He does not
Did he do childcare? Not at all

Feeling guilty is only human and its because you are a nice person. I carried guilt like this for ages. I ended my 17 year relationship but my ex wasn't ill, his mum was dying of cancer.
He still can't forgive me for the 'timing' even 2 and a half years later but he still can't take any responsibility for his part in it because it was his behaviour that made me end it.
Your STBXH is exactly the same. He isn't taking responsibility for his part in all this - just that you are ruining his life. Making promises is too late now, he should have been doing all those things before.
Of course its sad he is ill but that was no excuse for not trying to help out where he could.
My ex suffered badly from arthritis too which was awful for him but he made mine and the kids life hell because of it.
Try not to beat yourself up because you have been very brave to go through with this. You and the kids deserve to be happy.

@greenfingerswouldbehandy agree, it does sound from OPs posts that this is the case. And I haven't always been positive. It's very easy to get used to someone else doing stuff for you, even if you don't like that situation. I had to fight very hard and go to therapy to get into a place where my mother wasn't doing everything and taking over. A lot of the time it was easier to just let her and then I felt useless and hated myself for being weak. OP, it's good that your husband is going to get help for his mental health but it sounds like he could have done with doing that years ago. Again, his responsibility.

I have chronic illness. I do far more than I should, and I work. I think you should start by minimising text replies. When you do reply only short answers so you can't be manipulated. If he can walk and drive he can contribute to house work. I think you have been taken advantage of, and I can see why you have ended it.

I'm calling it now- in a short period of time he'll have moved in with some other poor woman and be mooching off of her. That's how he'll move forwards.

And guess what? He still wont be your problem anymore, so it's all good :)

He's pissed off you are not there to do everything for him. He had ample opportunity to do his bit but did sweet f.a.

Stop feeling guilty. You lasted way longer than I would have.

He did nothing for himself. He's the one that should feel guilty for treating you the way he did.

Thank you all for your replies. I know you're right but even when you're saying to me he could have done more i can hear him telling me how ill he was/is and how impossible it is for him to do anything.

I did every school run, appointment, shopping trip, etc etc alone.
Everyday he would tell us how ill he felt, how dreadful he felt . I can't describe how draining it was and yet i feel terrible for abandoning someone who is " ill ".
The mental health issues have appeared in the last few months. He has become VERY paranoid about all things.

The icing on the cake for me today has been that my eldest has received her gcse grades and i took her out for lunch. He has text her long texts about missing out and this only being the start of things he will miss because he's no longer there etc. She is confused and upset that she's done wrong.
The irony is even if he were still here he wouldn't have come!!
He's also asked her to bring his passport to him tommorow as he wants to " get well and visit friends in Canada "
!!!! I cant even get him to Sainsbury's!
I suspect it's all rubbish but how dare he say this all to her on a day when she is celebrating!

He's completely self-centred. Of course he could have done more. He couldn't be bothered. Until you stop buying into pitying him he will have control over you.

As for the contact today with your daughter, again it's just all about him.

Honestly he's awful your only mistake was not ending it years ago.

I hope your DD does not take his passport to him. Surely he can get it himself! Last thing a 15/6 year old needs is guilt tripsfrom a parent and to be running errands for them.

Well thats brother thing. He hasn't left the house for 6 weeks now. Not one step. Prior to being there he hadn't left our home for neariy 2 months.
He says he's currently too weak to drive but i suspect it'd the paranoia as he's afraid he's being follower and tracked

Honestly this is a nightmare.

Another thing not brother!

It sounds like he's too mentally unwell for it to be good for kids to be seeing him right now, tbh. Like I've said before, his health isn't your responsibility but has he considered getting diagnosis reviewed? Could all be a mental illness. Or some chronic illness can cause psychotic symptoms like lupus or MS. Or is he smoking weed? Anyway he owes it to himself and to his kids to get help and treatment