Bloody guilt!

[Winona45]

I've recently ended a 20+ year marriage.
We had drifted apart massively, he hadnt worked in 15 year's due to chronic illness. We weren't a couple, i did everything alone including holidays with the kids. I also worked full-time and did everything at home.
He's also recently suffered with severe paranoia and mental health issues. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had enough and asked him to leave.

6 weeks later he's still devastated. Still phoning and texting, asking to come home. Very sad and often angry about his future , lack of prospects and not being with the kids. He wants to come home.

My problem is i feel SO so guilty. He doesnt work due to his illness so i feel like not only have i ended the marriage I've also taken the home and the kids leaving him with nothing.
I work and pay for everything so technically that's right but i feel dreadful. We rent so there's no mortgage involved.
I feel so stuck. He's so sad. Declaring love for me and making promises. I feel like i should just give in to make life easier and stop this guilt .
How do i move forward?
Im 46 what if im making a terrible mistake?

Blimey that was long, sorry I feel strongly about men who grind women down then delight in their own self pity, I saw it first hand in my parents. Your kids will not thank you for taking him back.

Thank you for your continued support. The messages are read daily.
@Flamingnora123 thats the real crux of my guilt. He ISN'T well, physically and mentally. But the physical side , his M.E he says is only managed by smoking weed. And he smokes a LOT.
He wont get any further medical help.
The mental health side he is in denial about. He still believes to this day all of the paranoid thoughts, and to a certain extent that people are out to get him. He believes us separating is what " they want ".
So I do wrestle hugely with my guilt around that.

However, he called me last night. Crying, told me he still loves me, told me he wanted to try counselling, that he couldn't bear being a part time dad etc.
I asked him how things would change and he said he didn't know but couples throw in the towel too easily and i should stick with him. He isnt prepared however to see a doctor re his mental health or to stop smoking.
So ive said no. Again. I also said he's alienated his dc with his behaviour and how would that work if he was home ? He said with hard work and effort.
I said no and he's sent an ominous tell the children im sorry and goodbye text.

This is the hardest thing i have ever done.
I think im going to leave this thread now.
Thank you.

When he pulls the suicide threats OP. Send the police for a welfare check. Don't get sucked in to it, do not engage.

It's just part of the manipulation. Good luck.

Please focus on your kids. Protect them. Can they block him? Have you kept him blocked? Keep records of all his abusive messages to the three of you. You all need to accelerate your detachment from him: he is not your responsibility. Good luck.

He is not prepared to help himself, why would you do anything for him ?
He needs to stop smoking weed. he won't.
He needs to get to the doctor, he won't
He has already blamed his kids.
Boot to touch, No guilt, you have given all you can

Little update from me:
Not much has changed. Christmas happened. He text the kids that he wouldnt be celebrating christmas as you know so we went to my parents.
Eldest DD text him christmas day evening to ask if they could see him boxing day but he declined saying he was too ill and had been drinking. I also text and asked but he told me he would be too twisted on that day as his life is ruined so he wouldnt be able to hold back.
SO here we are and he hasnt seen them for 6 weeks.
The abusive texts still come. He tell me me ive ruined the kids lives, thet they will suffer from mental health issues in the future becuase of me. That I am a disgusting human being and that he is taking me to court for custody of the 8 year old ( our youngest ).
He has text the elder two repeatedly calling me a liar, that ive ruined his life, destroyed the family and that ive stopped him seeing them.
This makes no sense.

I am so tired now. I am sad that this whole chain of events seems to be continuing. I have taken the bravest step of my life and it FEELS lilke it has backfired. He is slowly chipping away, making me feel worse with every message.
He is so so angry with me and now I am terrfied he will take my youngest as well.
I think I am going to have to take legal advice.
There was a short period of about 2 weeks where I didnt get a single message and I felt so much better. Now its started again becuause during the christmas period he has obviously been alone and sad, angry etc.
I just want to shake him and tell him to sort himself out, stop smoking weed and get some help !! I told him he would end up rotting in his mothers front room for the rest of his life and he said yes i will, because of YOU !

Just block his number. Tell the children to do the same. I had to do this with my eldest's dad. He didn't want to see his child, he just wanted to abuse me via text. I bent over backwards for him and all but served my child up on a silver platter for contact, and he still never bothered. He'd just say he couldn't see her because he was busy, then he'd settle down to another enjoyable hour of abusing me via text.

So I blocked him. He knew where I lived. He knew where my parents lived. He knew what school my child was at, and he knew where the solicitor's office and the court was. I suggested that as communication had broken down between us, despite my best efforts, the ball was back in his court and he should use this information.

That was a decade ago, I have not seen or heard from him since.

He is a grown man. You are separated. You owe him nothing. Nobody is helped by sending or reading these abusive messages. You don't have to follow some quota, where if you read 100 messages calling you a bitch, then once the cock crows at midnight he'll suddenly turn reasonable and see his kids. It's not going to happen. This will continue until you block him.

If he can source his weed then he can source a solicitor to make a court application for contact with his children. It's no longer your responsibility to facilitate this. He won't though - he's clearly too bone idle and can't be arsed.

Block him. Leave him to it. I doubt you'll be getting any court letters through the door anytime soon, but if you do then whatever.

Keep a record of every text message though, your children's too

I have blocked him, I read them once a day.
It's his birthday at the end of the week. The kids are asking if they should go and see him with a card but I have no idea what to suggest.
If they text it and suggest it I can guarantee it will open up yet another stream of emotional blackmail texts to them.

Wow. I thought i would have a re-read of my old posts and see how far I have come. UPDATE**
I have now been without him for almost 5 years !
There is not a SINGLE day of my life where I dont almost shiver with the joy that we are apart. I cannot believe I almost took him back and that I was contemplating it for so long!!!

I ended up applying for a non molestation order at the start of 2020, about 3 months after my last update. His texts to me and the kids got worse and worse. I had to call the police as he sent me disturbing images and threats and then threatened suicide to my eldest. He was furious when I sent the police to perform a welfare check as he looked ridiculous.
I ended up paying for all of his things to be put in storage as he demanded them over and over but wouldn't come and collect them.
The order was granted by a Judge for 12 months and then of course COVID and lockdowns hit us.
He has not contacted me AT ALL since March 2020.
He has not seen his DC AT ALL since January 2020.
He has paid and contributed nothing.
We have no contact.
My DC and I are happy, healthy and flourishing. I live a full life with a DP that I have no intention of living with and I enjoy every moment of my freedom.

I hope that anyone who is in a similar stuation gets the strength as life is SO SO much better.

Wow!!! @Winona45 ! I have just read your whole thread!!!
I am so pleased you stayed apart and you are now so happy!! When I read updates like this, I just want to get my Pom Poms out!!
All the best 😊

Well done you! Are you and he divorced now?

@ShakeNvacStevens yes we are. I have no ties to him whatsoever.
I am so much happier and lighter.
I was re-reading my posts and I was just horrifed at how emotionally tied to him I was. It was such an awful time. I felt so guilty for so long. However, as time went on I got more angry.
The fact he hasnt paid a penny for FIVE YEARS or supported us in any way now just makes me furious. I have only just made a claim with the CMS as I am struggling so much financially and I think its time now for him to take some responsibility !!!
I mourn for all those lost years and will NEVER let myself get into a situation like that again.

Thanks for posting this @Winona45. I have read your thread with great interest as so much of it resonates with my situation, I am in the process of leaving my chronically ill, emotionally abusive husband who also suffers from mental health issues. I feel such immense guilt over it, and know lots of people will really despise me for doing this as of course they have never seen what it is like behind closed doors. I only told him three weeks ago that I am unhappy and would like to separate, and he is still in complete denial. How did you overcome the guilt?
Also, have you met anyone new since? We haven't had a physical relationship for more than five years and I desperately miss that (just not with him!). I am also the same age you were when you first wrote here.

@Stuckandunhappy I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation. It was the worst time of my life so I feel for you.
The guilt got less and less as I realised that this was MY life. I'm not responsible for his happiness, I'm responsible for mine. This doesn't mean I'm now a selfish person but he wanted me to do everything for us and for him. He felt that " being ill " meant he was entitled to be a victim in some way. He swore he loved me, couldn't live without me etc but only wanted me for what I gave him. There was nothing in return.
I got angry in time and now I feel nothing. Total indifference. 5 years no contact has done that, so I suppose where he has disappeared from the children's lives has been good for me. Sadly my elder 2, now in their early 20s, do struggle a little. My youngest was only 7 and is now almost 13 is thriving.
Do it. You can't continue like this. I wish every day I could go back in time and live a different life, I wasted so many years.

As for meeting someone, yes I did. I have a DP of a couple of years. We don't live together, we have a good life and he's showed me exactly what I was missing!