Bloody guilt!

[Winona45]

I've recently ended a 20+ year marriage.
We had drifted apart massively, he hadnt worked in 15 year's due to chronic illness. We weren't a couple, i did everything alone including holidays with the kids. I also worked full-time and did everything at home.
He's also recently suffered with severe paranoia and mental health issues. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had enough and asked him to leave.

6 weeks later he's still devastated. Still phoning and texting, asking to come home. Very sad and often angry about his future , lack of prospects and not being with the kids. He wants to come home.

My problem is i feel SO so guilty. He doesnt work due to his illness so i feel like not only have i ended the marriage I've also taken the home and the kids leaving him with nothing.
I work and pay for everything so technically that's right but i feel dreadful. We rent so there's no mortgage involved.
I feel so stuck. He's so sad. Declaring love for me and making promises. I feel like i should just give in to make life easier and stop this guilt .
How do i move forward?
Im 46 what if im making a terrible mistake?

You're clearly a lovely, empathetic lady. Like others said, it's natural to feel some guilt, you had been together a very long time. That just makes you a nice, normal person.

What's not natural? Six weeks on and he doesn't appear to feel any guilt for the impact he has had on your life for all these years. He hasn't taken any self reflection, is simply wallowing and pushing the blame on you. The lady who commented that she has had chronic fatigue but has battled through it with a positive attitude - now perhaps if he had been a bit like that you'd still be battling on together. But you've wasted your life with someone who appears unable to show any empathy for your position. It's all about him.

You've taken a huge step towards looking after you. Don't go back. He clearly isn't going to look out for you. You deserve happiness. Sounds like he's upset that he's lost his cushy little life he had handed on a plate.

Oh and when he realises it's actually over and accepts it, I'd brace yourself for him to get really nasty. Another sign he is only looking out for himself and doesn't care about you and his children as much as he does himself.

If he wasn't a self-centred twat he would have congratulated your daughter and left it at that. He didn't. He used it as an opportunity to turn it into a pity party for himself, at your daughter's expense.

I actually think that is despicable.

Please block him on your phone and your kids' phones for a few days at least. You all deserve a break from his self-pitying whining.

Thank you for your words.
The comments from the poster with chronic fatigue are very helpful.
I've always wondered how much he played on his illness. Its just difficult when you hear " im ill its not my fault " over and over again.
Even now relatives are ferrying the children to and from him because he's refusing to drive or collect them.

He's VERY full of self pity at the moment. I've ended his life, i have the house and kids and left him with nothing apparently.

Aghhh it's so hard to stop this feeling. I ended it so why can't i just own it!!!

Well he blames you, and you blame you, so you agree on something!

Seriously, he's not taking responsibility - he never will, most likely. That doesn't make it your burden to carry for him.

The way he's dragging your children into it is vile, and would be enough for me to go very low contact with him - as others have said, block and use only email re children

Rip off the plaster. Allow yourself to feel guilty if you must - but please, don't ever act out of guilt. Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) are the classic three ways manipulators manipulate. Watch out for them.

My ds has ME. Still expected to do his chores!
You have sent him home to his original dm.
Don't feel guilty for reclaiming your life op.
Imagine him dragging you down for the next 20 years at least.
Canada indeed!! What a twat.
Sounds like YOU deserve the holiday!

Well i knew today would be difficult.
Endless angry text messages.
He wants all his things, everything he owns or has bought including the family tv.
He has told me if he dies not to come to the funeral, ever and that he is sending a removal van to the house.
He also made many sarcastic comments about me " finding myself " and basically told me he hopes it was worth it. Ruining our family.
I actually feel physically sick....

Look, you can keep reading all of his bollocks or you can switch your phone off, or block him.

Ah... here come the nasty angry texts! He really won't take any responsibility will he?

Your family is now you and your children, he is ostracising himself from being a part of it in a new format. As for "ruining" your family, I think you might find it is the making of it. Stay strong. If you got back with him he would still lead a miserable existence. As would you. This way at least one of you can ultimately be happy.

Yep, as expected he's in the nasty stage now. Sounds like he's in a completely infantilised state, having been 'mummied' in his marriage for so many years. As pp's have said, ignore his whiny arse messaging. He's controlling you through your phone.

Please don't waver. This will lessen in time as he can't keep the momentum up. Important to concentrate on yourself and the children.

You cannot be held responsible for his happiness and fulfilment. You cannot fix him. He needs to look elsewhere for help. Park the guilt and concentrate on you and the kids.

Speaking as someone with an ex who was amazingly selective about what he could and couldn't do. The paranoia was the end of things for me, too, as he became quite scary. Amazingly, he played nice for long enough to reel someone else in, then fell straight back into his lazy, manipulative ways.

What an arsehole

At least you know that he doesn't love you or the kids and that there is no future with him

No one treats people they love like he is treating you and the kids

Block his number on all the phones - all of them and buy a burner phone on PAYG and give him that number

He can contact you all on that

Ring his GP and tell him/her that he is threatening to kill himself. Ask them to sort him out

Also tell him that if he keeps upsetting the children he won't be able to see them til he stops upsetting them

Then start the rest of your life with a huge sigh of relief

Block him, op. You're not his nurse, you can't fix him.
The best thing you can do is let him stand on his own
two feet. It will be the making of him, you'll see.

Do yourself and your kids a favour and start planning your new,
independent life - you owe it to yourself and kids so get cracking on it.
Send him an email address where he can contact you for
important kids stuff and check it once a day - just once a day.
Do not engage with anything but important stuff to do with the kids.
Oh, and block him on every other avenue of contact.

And yes to blocking him. I gave my ex one email address to contact me on and blocked him elsewhere. His current stbx has been barraged by nasty emails from him.

If you look at why does he do that, you will find these guys laid out bare under the heading "the victim."

I had a lot of counselling to manage my guilt after ending my marriage
It helped a lot

Actually, like my ex, you'll probably find yours in a few categories in this summsry
www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/the-frightening-roles-abusers-can-play

Dont bend, he is waiting for you yo break and take him back, stay strong and i know you will thrive. For your kids in the long run, they will be ok but don't let him back in to drag you back down again.

It sounds like you've made the best decision of your life by leaving!! Feel free to move on and enjoy your time.

You are not responsible for him. He's an adult and will have to learn how to manage / or find some alternative support. Live your life! (And get a new phone number).

He only cares for himself. You need to focus on yourself and the dc. By the sounds of it he is incapable of empathy. He is so caught up in his own bubble that he can't look outside it.

Aside from being a lazy bastard you are also dealing with someone who is extremely paranoid. You will never make him happy. Can you imagine the dynamics of the relationship if you did go back. You would never hear the end of it.

You've made the break now. Move on and everyone will be happier.

Nope you've nothing to feel guilty about here. You are putting your children's happiness and your own first and that's the right thing to do. Move forward and build a happy life with them. Stress to him that contact will be minimal for now if he continues to be so negative. He needs to be setting a good example to your children, not moaning at them about how hard he has it.

Wow, so sorry for you and your kids, OP. His behaviour is abusive and manipulative and his illness is no excuse. No, it's not necessarily someone's fault if they get sick (sometimes it is if they engage in unhealthy behaviours or refuse to look after themself) but it is his fault he hasn't engaged with treatment or made an effort to learn to live with his condition, if ME is what he has. Relatives should not be ferrying the kids around so he can see them. Do they want to see him? His current behaviour is likely to be very damaging for them. Threats alluding to suicide and saying that will be your fault count as psychological abuse, which is now a crime - coercive control. Your children need to be protected from this. After all your years with him perhaps having some therapy to deal with your feelings of guilt might help. I found therapy helpful in dealing with my mother's manipulative guilt trips and controlling behaviour, although it took a long time. You may need to cut him out of your life altogether - please do not feel guilty about this. You are not responsible for him.

The feeling of guilt can be quite overwhelming. I'm there too so I know how difficult it is. I've had the good advice of 'he is taking advantage of you, you are not responsible for him, he is responsible for his own health etc.' but for me it still doesn't stop me feeling guilty.
I have booked an appointment for councilling to help me with this, maybe you could do the same. I have also found meditation helpful. Found some on you tube, 'meditation for guilt'. I fall asleep to it then wake up feeling more at peace.

Thank you to the poster that suggested i see a counselor. I saw someone on Wednesday and will continue weekly.
I am still so so confused and guilty.
He had stopped contacting me until today. He has his psychiatrist diagnostic appointment next week and wants me to decide apparently one way or another if we are over for good.
Part of me is so terrified im making the wrong decision. I do miss him but i was so so unhappy, and truthfully nothing will change.
Im 44. Terrified of being alone forever for the first time in my life.
Im scared I'll regret it.
But im also scared of hurting him.
Aghhh im so confused i dont know my own mind!!

Is it normal to miss someone even though you know you were unhappy and it wasn't working?

He is still abusing you.

End it, you will recover you will be free