Bloody guilt!

[Winona45]

I've recently ended a 20+ year marriage.
We had drifted apart massively, he hadnt worked in 15 year's due to chronic illness. We weren't a couple, i did everything alone including holidays with the kids. I also worked full-time and did everything at home.
He's also recently suffered with severe paranoia and mental health issues. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had enough and asked him to leave.

6 weeks later he's still devastated. Still phoning and texting, asking to come home. Very sad and often angry about his future , lack of prospects and not being with the kids. He wants to come home.

My problem is i feel SO so guilty. He doesnt work due to his illness so i feel like not only have i ended the marriage I've also taken the home and the kids leaving him with nothing.
I work and pay for everything so technically that's right but i feel dreadful. We rent so there's no mortgage involved.
I feel so stuck. He's so sad. Declaring love for me and making promises. I feel like i should just give in to make life easier and stop this guilt .
How do i move forward?
Im 46 what if im making a terrible mistake?

You care OP.
There is nothing wrong with that.
You were with him for a long time.
You have been conditioned, over many years, to put him and his feelings first.
You will not 'just get over that' quickly.
Don't expect miracles.
But do see your GP.
It sounds like you are spiraling, so you need stop the spinning!

@Winona45 Please read this about Fear, Obligation, Guilt;

''According to Susan Forward, emotional blackmail is a "powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don't do what they want." The main tool of the trade, Forward says, is FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt.''

''the emotional blackmailer's reasoning is illogical; he lives by a double standard.
That's why emotional blackmail is never discussed outright: the minute you try to shine a light on it, by discussing it or asking pointed questions, it will scurry away like a cockroach.
If you try to pin a blackmailer down—"Are you saying you will pout if I refuse to go to the party with you?"—he will project the FOG back onto you, deny its existence; or try to distract you by changing the subject, being dramatic, or getting angry.''

And that is how he makes you feel afraid, obliged to him, and guilty.

www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Fear-Obligation-and-Guilt-FOG-in-High-Conflict-Relationships-36

Your posts are mainly about him, what he says, how he feels, what he is doing.
I think that you should think about making some changes. Moving house would be a big one, but if you make a new home for yourself and your kids, it will feel more like a fresh start and break one of the holds he has over you.

You should also keep an incident diary and a record of every single text. Print it out and show it to your GP.
Talk to Women's Aid, and take The Freedom Program.

The Freedom Programme
freedomprogramme.co.uk/index.php

freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

@hellsbellsmelons that's exactly how I feel ! I AM spiralling! I feel panicky and out of control. I wasnt like this a month ago, I've definitely got worse.
I called HIM yesterday!!
I had gone xmas shopping and was bombarded with 25 year's of xmas memories and felt dreadful.

I called him because i wanted to speak to him. I needed to. I dont even know what i would have said, luckily he didnt answer.
Im such a mess.
I wanted this divorce.
We weren't right together but im now missing him massively despite knowing this .
It also occured to me that this is the first time i have ever been in a relationship that has ended, so maybe its just normal to feel this way ?
God i feel like a teenager.
What a shitty mum i am being calling him after these dreadful texts to the dc.

OP give yourself a break man he's done the script of the dumped. This is just another part of the script.

Print out those texts he sent your children and keep them handy to read when you falter. Remember that taking him back now would have just been them being abused for fuck all. Don't mess with their heads like that.

I KNOW your emotions are being pulled in all sorts of different directions atm. I had a parasite of an ex myself who followed the same script but I PROMISE that next Christmas you will look back and be glad that you followed it through.

He needs to stand on his own feet and you propping him up wasn't doing him any flavours. Now he might find a new path.

Stay strong.

I really feel for you . But I would just say that my daughter has AS and fibro and another illness still being diagnosed and a child with an illness as well. Her marriage is under strain , but she still manages to work as much as she can . Contribute to the home and do as much with the children as she can . She appreciates her illness makes life very difficult and I really feel for her being so ill at a young age . But she does her best and does not lay a guilt trip on anyone . And certainly would never blame her partner or the children for her predicament. Life deals us terrible things some times . It’s how we deal with them that counts .

The Christmas season is going to be very guilt-triggering and nostalgia-triggering. It will get better, gradually.

In 15 years what did he do to actually help himself and you? I've empathy for anyone that is prepared to help themselves, but it sounds like he didn't give a shit you were doing everything

Let him sort this life out. You've done it for him for way too long.

I can't believe you lasted so long. Don't take him back

Dc have asked to see their dad. Eldest text him. They are making their way there on the bus for midday.( i dont drive )
I asked him if he could please bring them home in the car as it gets dark early.
He replied "whats up do you need to go out and im the babysitter ? Ill have them back within the hour "
So he hasn't seen his dc in a month, wont pick them up and is having them for an hour so that i can't do anything he is paranoid im doing.
Wth am i supposed to tell the dc ! It will take longer to get there then being there!

This isn't normal behaviour when you separate is it ?

OP you know the answer to the question you've asked. You're dragging this out massively. You need to talk to someone about your self esteem. This man has given you nothing for years and since you have split, has been emotionally abusive and ignored your children yet every post you do is about him or his feelings.

Move on with your life and start concentrating on you. If you want to get back with him, do it! What are you waiting for? No, your life wont be any better and you'll be miserable, your kids will be unhappy, but it would be easier. Or, you can start to think about the happiness or you and your children, stop obsessing over this waste of space and his needs and start to build your life back.

Thats just it, im so messed up i AM dragging this out. I dont even know what im feeling.
Im utterly convinced it wasnt that bad and i still love him at the moment!
Its like i can't accept he's really gone.
I think ive been thinking in terms of when he eventually comes back. Ive realised that now.

Fuck.....

You fear change, that's normal. You probably also also fear being happy. You can be, if you decide to cut him loose.

This isn't normal behaviour when you separate is it ?

When I got rid of my ex he at first refused to take all the kids at once as he 'wasnt going to enable my sex life'. It's pretty much normal for these types of men I think.

Well he's blown them out anyway.
Sent a text to dd1 at 5am to say he was drunk so she should call first before leaving.
She just has and he's said hes feeling ill and in a bad mood so no point coming over anymore.

What the fuck is my life..

Can you reframe it? It's not your life that's bad due to your making, it's his, he needs to own it instead of laying all the blame on you and then emotionally abusing you.

What can you do for yourself that values you? I think you need to care for and love yourself here and stop beating yourself up for his failings. You didn't ruin Christmas and birthdays for him, he ruined these things himself...Or more to the point chooses to view them as ruined.

You can't fix him, but you can heal yourself

Sorry but has he actually proactively done a single thing to help himself or get help over the last 15 years.

If not you have been enabling him and making him leave is probably the best thing you could ever have done as he will have to do something....anything, that is unless his mother babies him in which case nothing will change.

Sorry but has he actually proactively done a single thing to help himself or get help over the last 15 years

Not really in terms of his illness no. His answer was that the copious amounts of weed that he smoked would help him.
He attended hospital appointments when he got particularly bad, he was passing blood at one point and had a ct scan and camera inserted etc. But thats it.
Nothing really proactive.

I think you need to focus. Right now it's about you and the kids. He is reacting to the new situation because suddenly he has to be accountable.
You have been a single parent without any help but your husband hinders everything you do.
Of course there is an element of mental health but remember he is safe and with plenty of energy to make you feel guilty.
It may be the make of him to understand that he isn't your responsibility.
He hasn't been a parent or parter to you for years.
Stay strong.

Let me be blunt. Your husband is an absolute wanker and a user. He does fuck all for you or the kids.
He doesn't love. Love is healthy and caring.
He made your life miserable before and now. He lacks basic parenting skills because he was never a parent. You did everything.
You are missing what exactly? He now has money for himself but none to make your life easier.
If I were you I'll ask the kids what they think. I'm sure they feel happier without the unhappy, cranky, vile waste of space you call husband.
You need to snap out of it and get some peace and quiet. Try to find happiness for you and your kids.
Your life sounds exhausting. Make a decision and don't feel guilty for him. Feel guilty for letting him ruin your life.

I'm sorry op but he is behaving like a piece of shit, and it isn't exactly new behaviour. It's all about him. Treating your own kids so bad it just unforgivable. Now he's both trying to get you back and find another woman to take care of him and support him.

You really need to get a grip emotionally and move on from this man. Everyone deserves better than emotional abuse. Particularly your kids.

OP. He’s a massive manipulative arsehole.

Remember, a heroin addict will desperately want a fix. Doesn’t mean it’s the right decision, no matter how much they want it.

You are feeling nostalgic for the (minuscule) good times, but don’t make the mistake of thinking they actually were genuinely good times. Just slightly less shite in a sea of utter utter bollox.

So he can't even be bothered to pick up his kids?
He can drive, & get out, but for years has played the "I'm sick" card, not even putting the shopping away, or putting the washing on.
However he is able to go & buy his weed from somewhere?
He is a total con, He has made No effort to improve his health situation he could have got a job of sorts, home based, But NOTHING....
You should be incandescent with rage, that he is now turning this all round & blaming you.
You exist, you have a life, you are only half way through it !!! forget this manipulative pity party of a man.
He is so selfish he just keeps hurting his own children, it is unforgivable.
I feel incredibly sorry for his Mother, & I am willing to bet the GDP of the NE Europe that his TV will be on over Xmas, sorry that bit made me snort. it's so pathetic. If he had made an effort you would not have ended it, it is all of his making. You gave all you had to give.
Things will get better gradually, stop organizing for him to see the children, If he wants to see them, & apparently its not a priority, he can organise it, he knows their phone numbers, he is constantly sending them emotionally damaging texts

Well ive just spent all morning reading co dependency for dummies.
Wow. It's my life.
I've made so many mistakes and gone along with so much while inside i was screaming " no, this is NOT what I want!"

I would not have put up with this behaviour for 15 minutes & certainly not for 15 years !

LAZY ! LAZY ! LAZY !

You already do everything yourself

You are not alone, you have your children

Stay strong

Only talk to him about the children

You deserve a better, happier life

It's over with him !

Get ANGRY !

Him telling your children he was too hungover to see them is appalling behaviour yet you see it as your problem. Your children need one stable parent, try to concentrate on being that role because your ex is a waste of space.

Do not contemplate taking him back!! Has a single person who's given advice, input or their experience suggested it may be a good idea? I haven't read every single post but I've read many of them. If everyone is saying it's a bad idea and you need to keep him out, all these people with different thoughts, opinions, beliefs, experiences, attitudes are all coming together to say keep him out.
I started reading with some sympathy for your husband, clearly he was lazy but I did try to change it around and wonder what people would all be saying if a woman had posted to say she had been thrown out of her family home because she was suffering from mental illness and ME and was unable to be much help. I continued to read and this man is a manipulative, lazy, controlling bully who has been able to coast while you do EVERYTHING. He may not be able to help physically at all for all I know (I doubt this from what you've said) but if he really, properly loved you he would see how much you have to contend with and would have supported you emotionally and by doing things to show he cares and is grateful. He's now showing himself to be an appaling father to your children. What kind of man doesn't see his daughter because she doesn't call him?? He guilt trips them and lets them down, and your recent post about him being too hungover to see them has blown my mind.

You can and will make a fantastic life for you and your kids, you are clearly strong, independent, hard working and immensely capable. Don't forget this!! While he's been doing "light gardening" and smoking weed to fuel his paranoia, you've been running a family, a home, and a full time job single handedly. More than that, you've been doing it whilst being emotionally leeched. This is enough, you're better than this. He may have deserved your pity and your guilt was understandable to start with, but this excuse for a man has made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

Merry Christmas and bravo you!! Let him wallow in his dark, depressing room. It didn't have to be like this, from the sounds of it you would have spent Christmas with him and the kids if he'd been a normal human and showed you all some respect and his kids some love. Do not take his self pity and make it your guilt. He has done this, not you. Fuck that l.

My favourite (adulterated) quote of all time applies strongly here, repeat it and remind yourself of how bloody amazing you are - "Don't let the bastards grind you down, you're a fucking gem."