Bloody guilt!

[Winona45]

I've recently ended a 20+ year marriage.
We had drifted apart massively, he hadnt worked in 15 year's due to chronic illness. We weren't a couple, i did everything alone including holidays with the kids. I also worked full-time and did everything at home.
He's also recently suffered with severe paranoia and mental health issues. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had enough and asked him to leave.

6 weeks later he's still devastated. Still phoning and texting, asking to come home. Very sad and often angry about his future , lack of prospects and not being with the kids. He wants to come home.

My problem is i feel SO so guilty. He doesnt work due to his illness so i feel like not only have i ended the marriage I've also taken the home and the kids leaving him with nothing.
I work and pay for everything so technically that's right but i feel dreadful. We rent so there's no mortgage involved.
I feel so stuck. He's so sad. Declaring love for me and making promises. I feel like i should just give in to make life easier and stop this guilt .
How do i move forward?
Im 46 what if im making a terrible mistake?

So his psychiatrist diagnostic appointment is next week.
We have had little contact but today's message is informing me i have to decide once and for all whether i want him back after the appt.
I think he thinks he's going to be magically cured ? Either that or he just wants to move on, which is of course reasonable.
I realised this morning that because we've been together all of our adult lives ive never been through a break up. Ive never experienced knowing I'll get over someone. Which is why i think im so paralysed with fear.
Which i am.
Ive asked him to leave.
He's left.
Yet im still leaving that tiny thread dangling that connects me to him in my mind. I feel so bloody guilty at what im doing to him but also fear at what im doing to me. Im a mess.

Tell him categorically that you are over OP. You don’t want him back. Your wobble is the guilt.

I know. It just doesn't help when he tells me im the only person thats ever helped him. Without me he has nothing etc. I feel horrendous

Things will get better but it could take awhile. Love yourself first and never feel guilty about that. You will have lots of emotions to deal with. Find times throughout the day to just sit quiet and relax. Help him by letting him know he needs to look after himself. I hope the councilling is going well.

I have been here. It turned out my exH wasn't sitting around while I was out at work - he was watching porn and gambling. Not that this is the case for you but he still feels sorry for himself. He moved out 3 years ago and is unable to hold down a job or a GF. Of course nothing is ever his fault, it's always everybody else who is to blame.
But I am so much happier and now have a DH who is the total opposite. Be strong 💐

I asked my husband to leave last October. He hadn’t worked in 10 years due to depression/ anxiety and did not pull his weight at all at home.
I felt SO SO guilty but I couldn’t live a moment longer with him sucking the life out of me. I was also devastated at the loss of what should have been. I missed the man I originally married terribly. Even though he hasn’t been the same person in years. We love mikes from his family and he had to rent a flat and get a job to live.

It was not easy but I stuck to my guns. Another 40 years living like that was NOT what I wanted and I’d asked him to do more so so often I knew it wouldn’t change.

We are nearly a year on now. He is no more or less unhappy than he was living with me but I feel SO much better. I am not responsible for his life.

Stick to your guns.

Thank you so so much for your input.
@Cath2907 that's exactly how i feel.
The guilt is unbearable.
He hasnt worked for 15 years and now with everything going on mental health wise he hasnt stepped foot out the door for 8 weeks and 3 days.

Yesterday i had lots of texts saying we should work through it like couples are supposed to and how we were effectively turning our back on 25 year's. How no one ever helped him with his illness except me. It's so much pressure.
And yes i am massively mourning the man he used to be. I keep remembering good times and faltering.

Today will be interesting. For the last few weeks the kids have gone to his mothers for the day where he is but ive instigated and arranged it. I haven't this time and i dont think they are going. I have been having to tell them to text/ call him etc. I dont know if i should make them go or what. Really if he wants to see them he should come and pick them up?
Lets see what happens..

I am still here.
Updating this so I can read it I think.

We are 4 months post separation now.
It hasnt got any better.
He has alienated most of the people trying to help him. He still believes all the paranoia and the conspiracy against him.
He is very angry at me, send texts to the kids that are unpleasant and borderline emotional blackmail.
He hasnt left the house, and has stopped taking his medication.
People that are still in touch with him say he is out of control. He is smoking a LOT of weed, is constantly on dating apps and is verbally abusive about both me and the children.

All the time I hear this I feel like I have made him like this and that I have clearly ruined his life.
I honestly feel there is something severely wrong with me.
I cannot see a time where I dont feel guilty.

Are you still seeing the counsellor? It's not surprising you are finding it hard to just turn off the guilt after a lifetime with this wanker. However, it's 100% the right thing to do. You cannot be responsible for his happiness any longer. You never should have been. It will gradually lessen. Make sure you foster other friendships. Look outwards, not back to him. Good luck

You don't owe anyone decades of unhappiness. You feel guilty because you're a good person.

This is a grown man, who should be capable of managing his own life. He has not helped you shoulder the burden of life, he has merely taken. Plenty of ME sufferers lead active lives and shoulder their responsibilities effectively.

He is emotionally manipulating you. He is responsible for his own life and happiness, you are not.

You need to stop living together. If he won't move out, then you should. I understand why you feel guilty; but you are letting him drag you down. Move on without a backward glance.

HE has alienated most of the people trying to help him.
HE still believes all the paranoia and the conspiracy against him.
HE is very angry at me.
HE send texts to the kids that are unpleasant and borderline emotional blackmail.
HE hasnt left the house.
HE has stopped taking his medication.
HE is out of control.
HE is smoking a LOT of weed
HE is constantly on dating apps and......
HE is verbally abusive about both me and the children.

HE IS DOING ALL OF THIS - TO HIMSELF!!!!!
You cannot make someone like this.
This is WHO HE IS.
Stop feeling guilty and feel the huge relief that should be coming at you in waves right now.

He is the most selfish cunt I've ever read about on here.
YOU KNOW you've done exactly the right thing.
He is proving this to you over and over and over again.
He's an absolute waste of space.
He can't even be a grown up and think of his children and their feelings.
NOPE - it's all about HIM!
HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM.

Embrace this separation OP.
Don't feel guilty for being happier or relieved.
That's why you ended it.
Go back to the start of this thread and re-read everything.
Read how you were bending over backwards for him.
Read how it has always been about HIM. Everything has always been about HIM.
And even 4 months on when it still all about HIM... YOU feel guilty.
Stop it - stop it now!
Relish the peace. Soak up the freedom.
Stop with the guilt!

There's a saying that "You can't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm".

Can you not set aside the guilt for a bit and locate a bit of anger at this man? How dare he try to make you fully responsible for everything while he sat around contributing nothing and whining about how bad he felt? How dare he have so little regard for your wellbeing and that of his own dcs? How dare he keep trying to manipulate you and the dcs and make you all feel terrible? Why does he feel the world owes him a living? Stop being guilt and start getting angry!

I agree with bibliomania, you say you’ve never been through a break up before but from experience the emotion that is most helpful for you to reach is anger. Find your anger at this man who is sending abusive texts to your children. Anger for the man who may be unwell but he is also choosing to be an appalling father right now. Guilt is a really unhelpful emotion, HE made you leave him through his behaviour and now he’s making you feel guilty because he forced you into leaving him. Each time you received a message from him start your response (mentally) with HOW DARE YOU..... maybe if you do this enough you’ll start believing it 💐

Thank you.
Just thank you x

Block his number from contacting the kids.. that's not fucking acceptable on any scale... stop letting him abuse you all... you need to take the control back from this clown..

15 years he's sat on his lazy arse wallowing in self pity.... you did the right thing kicking him out...

Good luck OP.

I've also taken the home and the kids leaving him with nothing. I work and pay for everything so technically that's right

It isn't the technically right at all. I think you need to get some legal advice as soon as possible. You can't just make your husband homeless and destitute because you want to leave him - the court will take a very dim view of that.

The man is at his mother's house and isn't homeless or destitute he can apply for benefits

You aren’t doing this to him, he is doing this to himself and to you!

He's hardly destitute if he's buying lots of weed he'll probably be on benefits.

OP it will soon be 2020. How do you want the new decade to be? You still guilt ridden over the selfish whiny git you wisely got rid of? Or ready to begin enjoying your own life?

Hopoindown31 its rented accommodation. I have worked and paid the rent on my own for for 15 years. He doesn't work and claims benefits so has gone to his mothers. He wouldn't be able to pay the rent by himself anyway.
I haven't " taken " the kids. He has as much access as he would like to have. He can see them every day if he likes. He chooses not to.
They are in my care because i have done everything for them every day of their life.

Is it normal to miss someone even though you know you were unhappy and it wasn't working?

Yes. Definitely. Why wouldn't you? He's been a huge part of your life. He's always been there. Of course you're going to miss him.

I remember you, Winona, from a post you wrote when you were still together, and you were so unhappy and desperate. We all advised you to leave him. Now you have done that, and it was absolutely the right thing to do. It's true, that old saying about not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Don't set yourself on fire. Please don't.

I think you should read all your old posts here, from before you left him. You could be starting to forget how bad it really was?

And I'd block him for a while, so you're not having to deal with his angry and self-pitying messages, and the guilt they cause.

Stay strong, and good luck.

Look after yourself OP. This guy's illness is his own and he will find support for it. Get on with your own life. The world is full of men trying to make women care for them - bunch of using cunts.

Stand firm OP and use your energy on yourself, he is a parasite and you honestly don’t owe him anything, I know it’s easy for us to say as we have no feelings for this man, but please remember how drained and unhappy you were when together and know that there is a much better life waiting for you and you’re still young enough to embrace it

OP, you really need to block his number on your kid's phones. Sit down with them, and talk about his behaviour, not in a blame-y way like he's doing about you, but just saying that he is the parent, and they are not responsible for his needs and emotions, and him sending those kinds of texts are a form of manipulation that you need to protect them from. Then block his number from their phones and tell him he can arrange contact through you.

I have read your thread OP and you've got nothing to feel guilty about. He is emotionally manipulating you and you should go and see a councillor if you're not already.